Dear log,
FUCKING SHIT!
I was surfing the net again, and decided to make a return visit to my page after a long time…
The counter was at 125 hits, I looked at my what I wrote last time I was here…last I was here it was on 111 hits!
I checked my E-mail and there was a letter for me…
It had the subject "It's been a month", and one line for the rest of it saying "are you still alive?"…
Not much for a first E-mail…
Yes, it's been a month, yes I am still alive…
But who are you? And how in the world did you get here? I didn't tell anyone about this place…
I'm all nervous now…
I don't know if I should be pleased that someone is reading this or just shut the damned place down…
I answered back…
I asked if the person actually read through all this rubbish…
I suddenly feel in a disadvantage position, a person knowing all about me, and me knowing nothing about him/her…
But isn't that what I wanted?
In the past month I got back in touch with Eva again… well not month, actually that happened 3 weeks ago.
I guess the fact that I started filling Shawn with my rubbish was enough for me…
I took a long look at myself, my life, who I have become, and decided to figure out the why in it all…
Why am I like this? Why do I love her? Why am I so fucking attached to a machine? Why this music obsession? Why am I so FUCKED UP???
I guess it's true what they say, you can always blame your parents… and I can…
My life wasn't bad to me, I always had what to eat, I would get almost everything I wanted, but what I didn't get was emotions… sure my parents love me, but they never took the time to get interested in my life, and when they tried later on, it was too late. They could not be trusted anymore…
I got my emotions from machines, the TV at first, then my computer games, my mentor was a computer. It taught me everything about life TV didn't.
It taught me the most important lesson I ever had. MACHINES CAN BE TRUSTED! HUMANS CAN'T!
And so I don't…
Rona fixed me up with a blind date…2 weeks ago…
We talked a bit on the phone, me trying to sound as cheerful and filled with life as possible…
We met…
I don't know what she thinks about me, but I can't think of us together… after being so long with Eva (on and off 3 years) I find it impossible to be with someone so different…
I guess it's not nice to say it, but it's true, I don't like the way she looks… She's not ugly or anything, but she's totally not the person I can think of myself with. I'm not attracted to her, at all… maybe she scares me…
We still talk on the phone… Eva thinks she wants to be with me, I think I already "transmitted" to her the fact I am not interested…
Yes I am fucked up.
I want a virtual relationship to fit my virtual world… In my mind I can picture the perfect picture of it, but I can't turn those images into reality, they simply stay in my head…
Eva has been showing up late at night at my place lately… she'll show up around midnight and stay till 4 or 5 am… and we would talk…
I know what we were missing in our relationship, she never took interest…
And now she wants me to explain to her about the Internet…
She couldn't care less when she was with me…
When the computer was her greatest enemy… well her enemy won…
Rona's friend Vera wants me to give her some Internet lessons as well, naturally I start thinking romantic thoughts, even though she won't have anything to do with me, and she's 2 years older than I am and probably finds me immature or something…
I guess nothing can come out of blind dates and me, unless we had tons of things in common, since I go to everything with such negative thoughts…
I'll be able to love a person after I get to know her… which will give her enough time to not be able to love me at all…
Another thing about the blind date I had was the fact I feel she sees me as a project… again… that she can be the one that helps me out of it, the one to help me regain the trust in people, the usual bla bla…
I AM NOT A PROJECT! I AM NOT A PROBLEM TO FIX!
I wish people would stop seeing me as one… I'll be fine when I find that special someone…
Which means I'll never be fine, not in this lifetime probably…
And as for you, my reading phantom as I shall call you for now, why the hell do you bother with this? Is this a joke to you? Do you find it amusing? Or is it like a soap opera - online book style?
I probably won't get any answers will I?
Hell, it doesn't matter, enjoy the show as long as it lasts, the freak won't stay forever.
END OF LOG
 
 

Wednesday, March 10^th 1999
1:15 am

Dear log,
Heard from my "phantom" again.
Since I stated before that I will reply me mails online I'll stick with it.
So this is the message I got:

 "I'm glad you are surviving, but are you living in the world of the dead or
alive?
I read all of your logs. My friend from Colorado found your site not
coincidentally, you see she thought that you sounded like me. a lot of the
things you said are parallel to my own life. Except I'm not getting over
anyone, just myself. I hope you find your savior but a lot of it has to do
with you making yourself happy, I don't believe that anyone can ever make you
happy if you cant accept yourself. I'm speaking for myself though, I cant
pretend to know you because I don't. But as a fellow fatalist
I hope things will turn around for the better for the both of us. I hope you
post more logs, I found them very insightful."

That's the message I got…
I still don't know why I am doing this… the net at first seemed the best hiding place in the world…
Me? I'm not living. Simple as that. The world around me is the world of the living but I am quite dead I believe, however physically I still breath, only God knows why.
What do you mean by "my friend from Colorado found your site not coincidentally"??? How the heck did your friend know I was here???
You say you're trying to get over yourself… care to share? Savior… I won't find my savior, my savior exists only in my head… and how can anyone find my logs insightful? How can they be insightful???
Questions, too many questions… two people have been here… or perhaps more? How could there be more??? I tried searching for this site in Infoseek and other stupid search engines, I never got here… "not coincidentally" what is that supposed to mean?
I just finished another conversation with my blind date… the more I talk to her the more I want to run away… and we talk everyday… I want to end the conversation as soon as it begins but I can’t… which is odd… I am usually quite good at driving people away…
Eva says she wants to be with me. I think I was wrong… I can't have another relationship just like that… I need to get to know the person first… then and only then can I be interested… but by then the person is running away screaming after hearing my life view…
So "phantom", anything specific you want to know about me or are you just in this for the fun?
GOD DAMN IT!
I just typed up a whole lot of shit and this PATHETIC excuse for a word processor killed everything!!!
Everything I managed to save is written above here…
I hate this stupid program IT SUCKS!
But I don't know SHIT about HTML and this pisses me off…
I'm not going to sit here and start over again…
Note to self, before attempting to SAVE anything, copy everything to the fucked up clipboard so in event of a stupid SAVE crash you'll be able to restore everything over again.
To my phantom: Don't feel bad about not knowing me, nobody does, nobody wants to, my existence is a very dull one and no one gives a damn about me or what I do...
It sounded much better the first time I wrote it…
I spent an hour writing in this dumb log before the program decided to go suicide on me…
I couldn't get back to the window even, and I have no free time to learn Linux…
I don't feel like writing all the shit I wrote before the program crashed on me, it's dead, buried, it just angers me…
And I was all calmed before this…
I will repeat my last few lines…
I don't know how many people come here, but I should think that at least one person does that I know about and probably at the most 2 people. I assume you arrived around January since I had a long break between August and January in which I didn't write anything and I didn't get any complaints then…
I guess I should update the page more now that I have an audience…
I thought the net was the best hiding place in the world.
Millions of sites and millions of surfers, it's only logical that a few would get here eventually…
So my site is now changing from a one person talking to himself to a sort of one-on-one kind of thing, since I'll be addressing my phantom a lot… Unless of course other phantoms will join, but I doubt that would happen soon…
It took around 6 months for the first phantom to get here, so I assume I have another 6 months till the second one gets here…
Till then we'll just have to see how things are going and where I'll be…
Ask me questions if you wish, as you see I don't hide much…
Well, I'm off to copy the entire log to the clipboard to prevent another data loss when I click the "save" button..
Good night phantom.
END OF LOG
 
 

Wednesday, March 10^th 1999
23:29 (11:29 PM)

Dear log,
Heard from my phantom again today…
The hell with phantom… I visited her web site (I am assuming it's a her correct me if I'm wrong here), and I'll call you what you call yourself there.
I won't reveal anything else but your name/nick whatever it may be.
So our current phantom will now be known as Tiff, till the next phantom reveals itself…
I actually went through my log again… found a zillion spelling mistakes… one of them right in front of me in the index page… it said "My Peronal Log"…instead of personal...
I never really took the time to check what I wrote since I didn't really believe anyone would get here…
I checked "peronal" on Infoseek and found out why I never found my site before…
I was always looking for "personal"… when I looked for "peronal" it was there…
I informed Tiff of the log being updated…
I sent her a mail with the title: "I know you have a little life in you yet"
And with the following lines:

" I should be crying but I just can't let it show
I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things I should've said
That I never said"
"My log has been updated"

That's it…
It's a few of the lyrics from Kate Bush "This Woman's Work", nice song actually, supposed to be more meaningful to Tiff, but only she knows how…
Well, I feel a bit more balanced now… that it's ok that you're here, reading this…
And by the way, by posting those 5 lines of lyrics on my page I'm glad to announce that this page is illegal! Yes, that's correct, I just violated the copyright of the song and I should be shot dead or shut down or something…
Well, to all those big fat music companies that give more shit about money than music here’s what I say to you: "I don't give a fuck".
And with this out of my system I guess I can continue now…
Tiff replied with the subject:

"Read Steppenwolf, please"

However you did not state in the e-mail why, or how it is relevant to my situation here…I guess you'll need to give me some more details regarding that book and what's it about..

The mail continued:

"I see what you mean about driving people away- I found it very odd to have
what I wrote posted on your site, but really I don't care. As for you thinking
I read your logs for laughs, how could I laugh? you're so damn serious. :) I
can't tell you how my friend found your site- I believe it's providence- that's
what I meant about it not being coincidence, she was just surfing and ran into
it. I'm sure we're not the only ones who've seen it. You do have an
audience, people do care, and they do listen, no matter what you believe.
Everyone needs to feel special, to feel really listened to, and worthwhile.
And I believe your logs are worthwhile no matter how much you deny it . ever
thought of being a writer?"

Well, I didn't mean I drove people by posting their mails to me on my log… I meant I drove them away because I act rotten and disappear on them…
Still, I can't not put the private mails since I'm already putting my life out here, so mails are included…
You don't laugh… you find it serious… well, as serious as one's life can be…
Providence you say… I can believe now that your friend ran into my site while casual surfing… I'm listed on Infoseek…
Been listed since July/August according to them…
Odd how I never could find my site back then but now I see almost every page in the log is there too…
You are sure that we are not the only ones… well now that my counter clicks for both you and me I guess any skips larger than 2 should alarm me…
I don't really think I have an audience, not more than a handful at the most, and since they are but lines of text they don't seem real…
They just fit nicely in the book of my life as I continue writing it…
I never said people don't care…well I did… but I meant it differently…
People care if I live or die, people care about my love life…
No one gives a damn about my day or my hobby…
No one ever came to me while surfing and asked me, "hey, what's that you're doing and that button you clicked?"…
No one ever came to me and asked me how my day was and actually wanted the "long" version…
I never got the attention…
I need more listening to than your average person, I need someone to really give a damn about what I do…
Unfortunately that someone has left the planet last I heard to a place called "Dream on"…
My logs are my small thoughts that are just sent out over the web to anyone out there…
Really anyone…
I always believed in net magic… because you see there is a certain magic and all this mess called the Internet… how else do people from far away countries find common language?
2 people in a chat room, at the same room, at the same time, and finding each other by accident out of 100 other people in the same room…
And that kind of stuff happens a lot…too much to just be left unnoticed… I met very special people that way…
And lost some too…
And finally me… a writer? I think not…
During school I wrote a few songs, a few poems… nothing fancy… most of them rather depressing… during my army days I wrote worse poems and worse songs…more dark, more depressive, my thoughts on a piece of paper…
But I don't see myself as a writer…
I guess it's not true when I say no one ever came to me and asked me what I was doing…
Damn… it's almost 00:30 and Neva (my blind date) said she'll call me…
I REALLY don't want to talk to her…
I feel like I want to be left totally alone again…
Ever feel like you want to just fade away in the darkness? I love the dark… it makes me feel invisible… not there… and I guess I'd really like to vanish…
Anyway till that horrid sound of the phone interrupts me, I'll continue…
I stayed up late last night surfing… as usual…
My mom came to check on me in the morning and for the first time in my life asked me what I was doing…
Where were you 5 years ago?
As what I usually do when I feel my mother is going places she shouldn’t I told her "nothing" and continued my surfing…
She nagged about it… she always nags…
She can't take a hint…
So I told her I was looking for music… which I was…
She then asked me that with all this time I invest in music if I don't want to do something in that area?
I told her I don't play an instrument or know how to sing…
She said I can learn on the piano we have…the one I learnt on as a little boy. I told her I prefer the guitar…
She said I should learn then…
I said I don't have the time or money to do it…I tried once a long time ago, but gave up on it after I found out it wasn't that easy to hold the guitar strings in place…
I then told her to drop the subject… but I know she'll pop it up a few more times… she always does…
My dad came to visit me today (since I'm a bit sick I stayed home from work since Monday), we talked a bit…
The good old, "a mind like yours shouldn't be wasted" talk…
I told him I wasn't doing the MCP tests…that I think those tests are stupid since they ask more questions about tiny details you have to remember than the actual way to solve problems in a network…
I guess I'd really like to be a 3D animator… but with the way computers are going we're to be needed 10 years from now…
Mom bought pizza…
I hate it when she does it…
I repeatedly asked her NOT to buy me any take away kinds of food…
She never listens to me…
She never listens…
Like talking to a wall…
Tomorrow is Thursday… (or today even), Eva should be coming back home…
I suddenly want to see her again…
Damn it…
On the 31^st of December 1998 I told her, enough is enough, I wasn't mad, or angry, I calmly told her that we should live our separate lives, no more talks, no more calls…
So we didn't talk to each other for about a month and a half…
But she knows how I think…
She knew that after a month I really wouldn’t mind seeing her again…and I didn’t…
I wish she didn't have this control over me…
We're going to end up together again, and hurting each other again…
This is so stupid…
I'm not going to be able to develop a new relationship am I?
She had another boyfriend that month and a half…
She always could find them easily enough…
Actually she had him around 2 hours after I told her no more…
He was the one to kiss her at new year's…
Jealous? Me? Probably, yes…
I wish I could try it with another girl for a while… without feeling bad about it…
I've been thinking of adding my old original logs to this online one…
Of course I would change names and remove stuff that would be too revealing about me…but most will stay…
So, this goes out to my audience… what do you say? Should I? And if yes, should I put them in the index page before all the new logs or just add them to the ones I write here?
I guess I'm just waiting for one reply anyway…
Well, I'm going to upload the corrections I made and this new log entry…
END OF LOG
 
 

Friday, March 12^th 1999
1:40 am

Dear log,
Tiff wrote again.
Odd, I guess I was expecting a bit more personal letter but here’s what she wrote:

"Subject: An excerpt from Steppenwolf
"Their life consists of a perpetual tide, unhappy and torn with pain, terrible
and meaningless, unless one is ready to see its meaning in just those rare
experiences, acts, thoughts and works that shine out above the chaos of such a
life. To such men the desperate and horrible thought has come that perhaps the
whole human life is but a bad joke, a violent and ill-fated abortion of the
primal mother, a savage and dismal catastrophe of nature."

(I'll) add more if it pleases you, if not, I'll deal"

HA… the guy sounds like my thoughts…
And here I thought I was original…silly me… well, at least I'm not the only mad person around…
Sure Tiff, add more, no problem, I like reading dark thoughts…
Yes… a bad joke…a bad joke indeed…
You haven't answered my question though… should I post my old original logs? And if yes should I add them before the current ones in the index page or just add them inside my monthly logs?
Since you're the only person I know that's reading this and since you have "made contact", please let me know…
So how was today…
Big day filled with nothing…
I really should be studying but rather I spent today listening to music and playing "Grim Fandango" (a computer adventure game…)…
I was hoping to finish the game too, but I didn't, not even with all them crummy walkthroughs I downloaded from the net…
I really should do something about my life, but I just don't feel motivated… it just feels like a total waste of time to try to do anything in this life…
Most people have a meaning to life, they give themselves a list of goals they must achieve before dying, and have something to live for…
Me… my goals are worthless… I don't even feel I want to reach those goals… I'd rather just leave… so I don't carry much reason to live with me…
Neva didn't call last night… lucky me…
I really am trying to avoid her as much as possible… I know I should just tell her to stop or something, but I was born chicken I guess…
Today Eva came home from the army, she said she'd drop by and she did, we watched some TV together and later on saved me from Neva when she called…(had to make it a short conversation since I had to drive her somewhere…)
I'm drawn back to Eva again… a part of me wishes she never came back into my life, but another part is blessing her for it since she helps me escape Neva…
However I have a feeling that if I continue meeting Eva so much I'll want to get back together again with her… which is probably the bad thing to do…
"Max, don't have sex with your ex, it'll make your life complex, my Max, baby take it easy, Max, don't have sex with your ex, it'll knock you off your legs, stay cool and just relax…"
(my log is turning into a copyright violation extravaganza, GOOD!)
I can’t help feeling that she is the only one out there for me…
Maybe I can live without being listened to? Maybe this log is what I really need? After all I don't think I'll ever find someone that I'd want to be with me for all eternity AND would want to listen to what I have to say… so why not settle with what I can have?
I have to wake up in 4 hours and go to my 3D class… I really don't feel up to it…
Maybe I should get some more CD's to cheer myself up? Like I don't have enough…
Rona is gonna flip when she finds out Eva was at my place today, Neva will probably add to that fire… I'm gonna get bombed with questions like it's a fucking inquisition…
Well, fuck this! I don't owe nobody nothing… I don't need to explain why Eva is coming over to ANYONE! It's my life! Or is it?
Rona wants me to meet her tomorrow and bring Neva with me, I don't mind any of that, but I'd rather stay home, I don't want to meet either of them tomorrow…
Mom bought take out today…
Again…
Is she some kind of robot or what?
I keep asking her to stop it, I don't want to be "spoiled" as she calls it, it makes me sick…
I want to leave…
To leave…
My dad promised to consider helping me learn abroad next year…
He said he'll send me to Canada for a few weeks so I can check out some places there…
I wish I won't have to come back…
I'd just like to crawl to my dark little corner and stay there… in the dark…
I feel alone again… I dropped Eva off at some friends and she went with them to a pub…
She already has a boy list…
Two on her menu, she had three but he's used up…
I guess it's easy when you got looks…
I never found myself attractive…
I'm a "nice guy"…
Shawn told me once… a long time ago… a sentence which remained with me till this day… I believe she meant it as a compliment… to me it was an insult.
"You're to good to be true"…
I couldn't believe those words came out of her mouth…
Too good to be true…
This is definitely some sort of sick joke… I can feel it…
Someone is definitely laughing himself to tears…
My life is going around in circles… it's like a never-ending loop… It must be broken… and as usual running away is the solution…heck why not? I run away from everything in the end… why not life?
I'm tired now…
I should shower and head to bed…
3 and a half hours of sleep remaining…
I know me…
I won't shower I won't head to bed…
"And miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep…"
END OF LOG
 
 

Saturday, March 13^th 1999
1:56 am

Dear log,
Another letter from Tiff today, relax Tiff I checked all week and you and I are the only people reading this as of yet… I guess I don't draw much attention…
So here's the mail I got:

"Subject: junk mail

Hello happy phantom. I know what you mean about running away. I even want
to run away from writing you. I wonder if its good for me to be reading your
logs because it reminds me too much of the thoughts I have long tried to run
away from.
It makes no sense, this world. What is the point of it all.
But I do think you should add your other logs.

From Steppenwolf
" There was no link left, and no one could have had any part in his life even
had anyone wished it. For the air of lonely men surrounded him now, a still
atmosphere in which the world around him slipped away, leaving him incapable
of relationship, an atmosphere against which neither will nor longing availed.""

First of all, why do you refer to your mail as junk mail? It's the only actual mail I want to read when I get online… it isn't junk to me…
It's funny you should start with the words "Happy phantom"… you know Tori Amos has a song called "Happy Phantom"…
"And if I die today I'll be the happy phantom"…
But you probably know that no?
You know, you don't have to write to me if you don't want to Tiff, I can't force you or anything… but to tell you the truth it makes me feel a bit better that you're out there reading this… silly no?
This world has no sense…this world is pointless… yet we all exist and continue to exist somehow…
You said I should add my logs…should I add them to the index or to my daily thoughts and ramblings? That's the final thing I need to know before I start editing and pasting them (a few things will be cut out such as locations/names/stuff that's just too revealing…).
Also be warned I wrote A LOT… so you'll need to clear up some time…
My old log begins on May 1995… when I was 17.
You know Tiff, if you have thoughts to share or anything you would like me to post I would, I can also try to help in any way possible through these lines of text…
I'm actually pretty good at helping others…
Would you believe I talked a friend of mine out of committing suicide in high school? Me, Mr. Suicide himself…
But for now I'll continue with my briefing and updates…
Met Eva today…
She came over for a short while, and then I went over to her house…
I knew exactly what I was getting myself into… I knew exactly I was going to get hooked on her again… I knew exactly that before I left that place I'll be toying with both are feelings so I'll get a kiss and a hug at the least…
I don't why I do this, I know it's bad for me, I know it won't work…
But I feel that if I don't get some human affection I'll go mad…
Even though she leaves for her personal activities later on and I'm left here all alone with my thoughts…
She went out to a party…
I wish I could go to parties… but I just don't fit in… I don't dance, I don't drink, I don't smoke… I'd just stare at them all… I wouldn't fit in… I never fit in…
My idea of a good time is going out for a movie and then having a nice rest at some coffee shop or small restaurant…
Why can't I have a good time dancing and letting go? Most guys my age don't have a problem with that…
But I'm fucked up…
So she left…
And I literally begged her to drop over after she's done at the party… even if it's 6 am…
I feel so alone…
Is it my loneliness that drives me to her?
Or perhaps I really do love her?
And if I love her and she loves me… why couldn’t we make it work?
We are too different from one another…
How can it work out?
Pointless… this is all so pointless…
Anyway, just waiting for that last log answer from you Tiff and I'll put my original logs out too.
END OF LOG
 
 

Sunday, March 14^th 1999
2:52 am

Dear log,
Almost 3 am again… and here I am…
I really should be sleeping… work tomorrow…
Tiff wrote again.

"Subject: the subject "junk mail" was my attempt at a joke(will you laugh for
me?)

I could never commit suicide because I'm afraid of death. What if death is
still not the end of pain and loneliness? Are you somewhat afraid of death?
but at the same time, I'm afraid of living too. It's such a double-edged
sword.
Anyways, I think you should put your logs in separately in the index. Give
them their own special place ;) as for setting aside time, believe me I have
plenty of time, as pathetic as that sounds. But whatever.
"Silent All These Years " is my favorite from Tori"

I will laugh for you Tiff, I didn't know you meant it as a joke… I suck sometimes at knowing this…
I don't know if death is the end of it all, I do know that if you get to take your feelings with you when you die, then death isn't much of a way out is it? I guess I'm hoping and wishing death is better than life, but I'm known to be wrong… and if it isn't the end, then pain is the way of the universe, as sad as it sounds…
Why are you lonely Tiff?
I am not afraid of death. I wished it for myself ever since I was 16. I'm just too scared to do something about it… I'm to chicken to end my life myself… like I'm afraid death will punish me for it…
So I am waiting to die "naturally", hoping it'll just take me already… but he's in this joke as well…
I guess I'm afraid of living myself, scared to get hurt again. I don't see the point in living… I'll probably regret not living 20 years from now (if I'm still alive)…
May 1995 is almost ready to post, I'll maybe even post it with this one, I never meant anyone to read it so though it sounds the same as this one I allowed myself to express myself more freely, I also cut out a few parts that sounded too revealing…
About your time, there is nothing pathetic about it, I wish I had all the time I wanted… but I never have enough time anymore…
Tori is a great singer… she's a very strong woman, especially after what she went through…
I really love her songs, people claim she has something supernatural about the way she sings… I think they have a point…
I have 4 of her albums and many rarities as well…
Well, back to my life…
I went over to Eva yesterday…
She came to my place around 4 am, and I went to sleep over at her place…
We woke up around 15:00 (3 PM…)
I guess I really wanted to feel loved by her again… but she was pretty cold…
We slept partially hugging that night…
It feels so pathetic… I feel I want her so much again, yet she doesn't…
I pretty much spent my time trying to convince her to let me touch her body and feel it…
I don't know if you know how it feels to hug someone with no clothes on, and feel them so close…
It's so fucking addictive…
Physical attraction… the chemicals that your brain releases… or is it fucking hormones? It's so addictive…at least to me…
Yet I ended up feeling alone, unwanted, unloved…
I know she has feelings towards me… she wouldn't have showed up if she didn't…
And I know I should stay away from her… that I should move on… and let go of her…
But every time I try, she calls again, and I find myself wanting her again…
I am a broken record…
I need to believe things can be different this time, that she'll listen to me, take interest…
But she won't… she never does… and I find myself stuck in a loop…
And I can't break through…
So we went to a movie tonight, me her, her friend Guss and a friend of his Mishel.
By the way, May 1995 logs have a HUGE amount of names there…
Try not to get too confused, and ask questions as much as you like…
We went to a movie and a coffee shop/restaurant (my kind of outing)…
I invited Gob to join in for my sake, he's a friend from work I know since high school, loves special effects films and stuff…and since this movie had lots of effects in it I wanted him to tag along, even though he split right after the movie since he doesn't get along too well with my friends…or people for that matter…
Eva called when we got back home… she wanted me to drop over… I said I'd rather not…
After all, I want more than talking and she doesn't so what's the point…
I need to be needed…
I need… I need… I need…
Everything I NEED…
But I couldn't give her what she needs either…
So I'm no better…
Well, it's 3:30 am…
And I have to get up in 4 hours…
I also want to add May 1995 to the index…
END OF LOG
 
 

Monday, March 15^th 1999
1:06 am

Dear log,
No letter from Tiff today… I guess I kind of got used to them coming in…still, I know she's reading this, or will read this, so it's ok…
I had a pretty horrid day today (so what else is new?), I really hate my job sometimes…
At first things were going ok, managed to fix a defected Win95 and save myself from reinstalling it, then I had a run down with some viruses and an annoying program called "Winmenu", that puts security on your computer…not letting me access the network for a computer I needed to install stuff on…
I got home around 18:00 (6 PM) and I got a phone from one of the teachers that taught us 3D art in that small school I go to on Fridays…
The teacher just vanished one day, and never came back…
At first they told us he was sick, but he never came back… last Friday a girl from the class told me he left cause he didn't get paid, I verified it with him today, he really didn't get paid…
And last Friday we had a new teacher…that was the 4^th teacher they gave us…
He also told me the school was falling and they are having a lot of cash flow problems…
He believes they will go bankrupt… and I believe it…
And I paid 3000$ for that damn 3D course…
I always had suspicions that they were using illegal software that was cracked on their computers, but now I am absolutely sure they didn't buy any license for those 3D programs…
And they are going down… and taking everyone with them…
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!??!
Can't I ever make a right decision??? For once in my life make the correct choice, the correct school?!??
How can one person have so much bad luck?
Why can't I ever get a break???
And then people wonder why I'm pessimistic..
What reason do I have to be optimistic?
This must be some kind of joke, some very big funny universal joke…
"oh, if I'd only seen, that the joke was on me"…
I added May 1995 last night…
I intended to add June 1995 tonight but I just don't feel up to it…
I tried going to sleep to get the day over already… to end it…
But I kept getting phone calls, Eva, Neva and Rona…
Neva I haven't talked for a while, I just don't feel like it…
Rona would like explanations why I'm seeing Eva so much…
And I guess Eva just wants some attention from me while she spends her week in the army base…
I hate the army…
I didn't want to talk to any of them…
When I suffer, I suffer alone, with my computer…
I don't need no one telling me "I told you so" or asking me why didn't I check out the school better…
I'm a fucking natural born loser…
Nothing I do ever ends up right…
I keep making mistakes and more mistakes and more mistakes…
I'm a fucking walking curse…
I want to leave this place so much, I hate this country so much…
I wonder what my dad will have to say about it…
I think right now I won't tell anyone about this…
I told Gob, but he won't say anything bad about me… others however will ask me why didn't I check out the school and other annoying non-useful suggestions that I doubt will make me feel better…
And once again no one will understand, and no one will care…
Why should they?
I hate my life…
END OF LOG
 
 

Tuesday, March 16^th 1999
18:10 (6:10 PM)

Dear log,
Hello again, yesterday was just one of those days, the damned phone company went on strike leaving me stranded…
No net connection for 24 hours… for now everything is fine, but I need my net…
Yes, I'm addicted, yes I have problem, yes, I don't care…
I need to surf EVERY night, or else I feel bad… I need it… like drugs…
I got yelled at today… not something fancy… but still I get hurt when people yell at me, naturally I explained the situation tilting the sides to mine, but I can't stand being shouted out, especially by someone who isn't really my boss…
Still…
I went on the net for a short while to get my e-mail from Tiff:

"Subject: did your counter ticker go down, or am I crazy?

I finally finished May 1995, and I was somewhat confused with all the names. I
don't think I can remember which person is which. That's a bum deal on your 3D
class, you could probably slap them with a lawsuit, and get your money back,
but you know that probably would be a big hassle you don't need. Do you have
any 3d work on the web you wouldn't mind me seeing? is that an expressive art
form, or more technical? or both? I myself dabble with sketching and
drawing on paper of course!
you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but what exactly made you
fall in love with Shawn? and how did you know it was "love" and not obsession
or infatuation? see, I've never been in love before, so I'm just curious..."

Well, my counter hasn't gone down (and I'm writing it down so I should know) but it does seem like a few people came by (or was it just you?)…
As I said, May 1995 was my REAL log, not something I intended to share with anyone, so I used all the people's names since I knew them, I also took down a few… problems happened when I needed to change all the names of the people (I actually have a long list of the people's real and fake names…), I also needed a unique name for each "character", so people with the same name got different fake ones…
It was my school days and I knew many people back then…
However I do believe the main people you should take attention off (more plot related if you will), are Rona, Lin (best friend back then), Shawn (who else), and Gob, who's working with me today at the same computer company…
I didn't know Eva back in 1995 so she will pop up later…
All the other people eventually will fade away…
As you saw I didn't put many names in my online log in order to save confusion… I only put the names of those who are more "plot related" than others… and when I add new names I do it gradually…
If you need any help with the names just ask…
I doubt I'll get any money if they go bankrupt… nor can I afford a trial now…
It's just my luck…
I don't have any web posting my work, nor do I have any work to post…everything I did back in 1995 was pretty much destroyed in a hard drive crash, and the things that were left aren't worth displaying since people can do much better today with all them fancy programs…
Maybe if I do something real nice I'll add it to this log…
I guess it's more technical art than expressive since you strive to copy real motions and real objects… "create" a new world if you will…
I don't do much sketching, I can draw a few comic characters but that's pretty much it… I like animating in 3D, it excites me. I love playing with camera angles (virtual cameras that is)…
And finally Shawn… I'll answer your question, or at least I'll try… after all that's why I'm here for…
I met Shawn when I was about 4 or 5 years old, I lived abroad then, in Africa, with my mom, dad and sis… Shawn was also there with her family and was a year younger than I was… we used to play a lot together and do lots of things together… my mom still reminds me how we used to say that we'll marry each other when we grow up…
Anyway, at age 7 I got back to my own country, while Shawn stayed abroad for a few more years… we met a couple of times when she returned to my country but not much, and since we were a tad older had more communication problems…
At age 13 I invited her and her parents to an event I had, her parents showed but she didn’t…
That was the last I ever tried to make contact with her…
I decided she's not interested in staying in touch and so I decided to give up on trying to see her again…
Everything was going fine till I reached 16, and then, on summer vacation, around July, I get a telephone call that she'll be near my city and she'd really like to see me again…
Well, I wasn't exactly Mr. Popular back then, and a phone from a girl wanting to meet was a lot, so naturally I agreed…
We met, my mom and her boyfriend and her and her family (mom, dad and two sisters), we went out to eat in a restaurant, and I made one of the worst first impressions ever… which in itself is odd, since I usually make a very good first impression and then ruin it later…
I'm still having problems with my memory from then… you see she told me all kinds of stuff and later told me things that were ENTIRELY different… now I was totally in love or obsessed over her, I remembered everything she said down to the most tiny detail… so I knew when version of stories changed and they changed… I still don't have answers, but I probably never will have answers…
When the meeting was finally over she said we'll talk sometime and I totally believed I'll never hear from her again, but I was wrong, she called…
She came over to my house and stayed the night…
Now I understood that Shawn was pretty much into computers so what did me, Don Juan De Idiot do?
You guessed it…
I sat her down in front of my machine and showed her my wide collections of games…
Lame, huh?
Well, it's all I had and knew back then…
That evening we went to a movie (Speed if I recall correctly, it was the second time I saw it just so we could go to a movie she wanted to see), I bought us a large popcorn…
A day after I was a bit smarter and I took us for a walk and we talked a bit… (later on telling different versions of stories she told me that day)…
And so, I ruined any good impression I had…
I visited her place too, she went on about her favorite band a lot, but I didn’t mind that much…
With the passing few months I lost touch with her again, school began and I met someone from my class and we decided to be a couple…
Problem was she didn’t want to be seen with me in public (with her friends around that is), which dropped my self esteem to the floor…
Not that she was such a great catch, whenever her name pops up, I get a bit laughed at for even dating her…
("show them her picture… ha ha, see he dated HER!!! WHY? Ha ha)
One day, I was with my girlfriend playing a dumb game of writing names on a piece of paper and then making a dumb math procedure to see the percentage of how much they match…
For fun I put my name in and Shawn's…
The match was around 97%…
And suddenly I realized I was with the wrong person…
I got back in touch with Shawn, I split a couple of weeks later from my girlfriend (we only lasted a month and a few days anyway, so I really didn't care, I wanted Shawn)…
And I guess I've been obsessive with her ever since…
I don't  know if this is love, or just obsession… it seems to be more obsession since I don't really know Shawn, we never had much heart to heart conversations…
Not even after I got together with Eva…
I guess I wanted her ever since, and when I finally dared and told her I wanted her, I got a big fat "NO"…
My self esteem (what was left), was lost there and then…
Never have I wanted someone so much, and never have I felt so bad and unwanted…
I cried a lot that night and the day after…
And my pessimism became worse, and so did my attitude towards life…
I shut down most of my feelings…
And I became more addicted to the machine…
I believe I fell in love with her because of that day when I put her in front of the computer and even though she was bored to tears, she didn't say a word, and she listened…
No one ever did that for me…
So I now find any person remotely looking like her attractive, and people who like the same things she does are also looked up by me…
So what is it Tiff? Love or obsession?
I don't remember if I defined love on my log, if I didn't I'll tell you what I think love is if you want…
For now I'll try working on June 1995 of my log so I'll be able to post it with this log entry…
Also I just discovered my pathetic excuse of a HTML editor keeps fucking up my text and joins two words together at random, I found out about this and I fixed every place with a typo… if you run across weird unexplained words that make no sense please tell me and I will fix them…
END OF LOG

Thursday, March 18^th 1999
17:28 (5:28 PM)

Dear log,
Well, here I am again, this time with a new HTML editor, which will take much time getting used to, but still should be better than the last one (with hopefully less repairs to make on the text).
Tiff wrote again:

"Subject: found these lyrics on the web

In Gethsemane Today

It's Monday and I'm going to be down with all the other fools.
And I'm lucky to have two friends, to hold me up and bring me down.
It's funny how they say to me "I care." "I care now."
Well, they don't disguise it so well. They don't.
I'm kinder than I ever was, but I'm screaming for you now.
I used to be simplicity, when my eyes weren't open.
I'm telling you I love to be wanted by you.
And I'm selling all of my thoughts that you've misconstrued.

Have fun in Gethsemane today, you pray, you pray.
Don't light up the sky with your cigarettes, you know you'll die.
Love your brother and sister and God I say, excuse you not.
Have fun in Gethsemane today, seek what you've sought.

It's Monday and I want to be loved by everyone,
But this time I have no friends to hold me up or bring me down.
I swear that I could use some love, but who cares? Who cares?
I swear that I could use some love, but who cares?
It's Easter and that time of the year that I don't long for.
Death and life and everything. My feelings bruised and sore like yours.
It's Monday and I'm closing my eyes. I don't want to see anymore,
I am so naive. And I'm washed up on your shore.

Have fun in Gethsemane today, you pray, you pray.
Don't light up the sky with your cigarettes, you know you'll die.
Love your mother and father and God I say, excuse you not.
Have fun in Gethsemane today, seek what you've sought.

And I know I'm lost and I know I'm dead.
I know I'm gone. For this, I've bled.
And I know not myself, just I like this mind.
This body stained. Ten of a kind.

Have fun in Gethsemane today, you pray, you pray.
Don't light up the sky with your cigarettes, you know you'll die.
Love your brother and sister and God I say, excuse you not.
Have fun in Gethsemane today, seek what you've sought."

What a great song... is it a song? Do you know who sings it?
Eva came over to my place late at night on Tuesday, she was dead tired, we talked a bit and she fell asleep...
I feel alone and empty again... I woke her up at 3:00 am and watched her leave...
I still haven't done that June 1995 page, I know, but this program will give me a real hard time... I guess you could say I got used to the other one... at least this one won't crash when I save my file (or so I hope).
I should be getting my DVD today, I'm going to hook it up and play Overseer again (another one of my computer adventure games), this time on DVD...
I really should stop buying all these useless toys...
Tomorrow I'll go to see "Bug's Life" and now that I have a DVD, I want to buy it from some online store...
I've been listening to a lot of music again lately...
Too Much...
Ever hear of KE? He's a pretty good singer, even though he does sound like a woman sometimes (which made it hard for me to find his CD, since I thought he was a girl at first...)

"I try, yes I am trying, but I'm more afraid of living than I ever was of dying...
I am what I am, I am, I am lonely, I am lost
searching for a reason, no matter what it cost
Need to believe, is this all there is to me"

This is the lyrics as I hear them though, I may have a glitch...
Check him out on www.cdnow.com or www.amazon.com
Well, I'm off to try and understand this new HTML editor...
END OF LOG

Wednesday, March 24^th 1999
9:30 am

Dear log,
I know it's been a long while since my last log, 5 whole days, usually I wouldn't care much, but maybe this time I have a few readers I'm disappointing...
I know Tiff isn't reading this or missed the log during the week...
She sent another E-mail:

"Subject: this is the singer and his website

http://www.communicopia.com/41flavour/adlib/bri.htm

I really liked those lyrics of KE, thank you for finding him. I'm going to
buy it as soon as I pay off my credit card bills! I won't be visiting your log
this week, I'll be on vacation. I'm going to miss reading them. I think you
are so courageous taking your mask off when you write. I admire you. "

I went to the site, I wish he had some music there like in mp3 format so I could listen to, but he didn't... he's thinking of adding them though...
KE is nice, I recommend listening with Realaudio to find out if you like him before buying (both amazon and cdnow have parts of his songs).
So Tiff isn't visiting this week, it's like a week off for me no? No one is here and all is quiet... I actually feel alone because she's not reading this... I guess I got used to someone out there and now that She's gone, even if it is for a week, I feel like I'm writing to space... But she'll be back... she'll be back...
I wish I could take a vacation, far far away...
Courageous? Me? No... I'm not the courageous type... what's there to admire? A silly 20 year old boy/man that keeps complaining about his life on a web page... I don't see anything admirable in that...
No masks here... that was the point...
I had a horrible week... simply horrible...
It all started Saturday I guess... Or Friday?
I slept over at Eva's house, I for once felt we were going somewhere...
I got my DVD player on Thursday, and I really wanted to get some movies so I can see them on the player, I asked Eva if she'd like to accompany me to the store so we can pick up a couple of movies... She said yes, that we'll probably go...
Saturday is what I call "Dad day", my parents are divorced and I live with my mom, every Saturday I go and visit my dad, a pointless visit if you ask me.
I get to him around 2 PM, I eat lunch, and then I either watch TV for an hour and a half or play with his new wife's daughter on the computer...
I got home around 5 PM, and played a bit on the computer before calling Eva... She had a couple of her friends over... Guss and another friend...
I know you're already confused with names, so for now I won't add his name to the list... anyway she said she'll call back later and tell me what goes on.
30 minutes later she calls and tells me she's going out with them, probably to a party or something... totally destroying any plans I made...
What could I say... I told her to do whatever she wants...
The DVD store was closing at 10 PM, so finally I went around 8 PM to the store with my sister, I took out two movies and went for home...
After a while I got a call from Eva, she thought the DVD store closes at 9 PM, since that's what I thought at first and that's what I told her, so she called to tell me it's open till 10 PM, I told her I knew and what was she doing near the DVD store anyway, she was supposed to go to a pub or club or something...
She told me that she and her friends are getting a movie for the VCR and a pizza and going to watch it at one of her friends house...
Did I miss something here?
She basically did what I wanted to do with her with her friends...
She preferred to see a movie with them than with me...
I guess I wanted to know why...
WHY?
She came over around midnight again, I already started to see one of my movies so I told her to sit down and not talk while I was watching, I didn't want to be disturbed...
After the movie was over we started talking... she told me she didn't feel comfortable in leaving her friends after they invited her...
I asked her where do I fit in the picture, since I definitely wasn't on her mind when she made the decision...
It doesn't feel good to say no to her friends, but it feels great saying no to me... And I asked her to go with me first...
I could somehow accept the fact that she didn't want to take a movie with me since she wanted to go dancing or drinking and I do neither... But she ended up seeing a movie with them, which was what I wanted in the first place...
She cried, she apologized, she said she was sorry...
But she'll do it again, I know she will, I really thought that we can make a difference, that if we both try to listen more to understand more, I am going out of my way to do my best, I listen to her army stories, even though I hate listening to them since the army was hell for me...
I try to be as patient as possible, but it's like I hit a brick wall...
She's always sorry after... but she never thinks of me during what she does...
Why does she like being with them more than me? I'm guessing it's because I'm not a fun guy... to say the least... truthfully, how can anyone say I'm fun? I'm so fucking boring...
I got an E-mail from Shawn on Saturday... she was sorry for not writing for so long... I was so fed up with everything, I just wanted to tell her to fuck off...
I replied with a cold letter stating hard cold facts rather than my usual long philosophical ones, after all I don't need her anymore do I? She doesn't really care about me, she never did...
I feel you care Tiff... I know it's stupid, I know it's crazy, but here you are, half the world away, and you're reading this, not because I want you to, but because YOU want to... and you keep on reading... maybe I'm wrong, maybe you don't care, maybe for you it's like a book being written while you sit aside and watch it develop, but it feels like you actually give a damn... unlike so many others...
And then my week began...
Sunday... the first day of work for me...
I started it with a pretty depressed mood, and it became a horrid day...
I spent 6 hours at some stupid company... I needed to add more RAM to a computer and the damned computer started going haywire... In the end I replaced it's mainboard... that solved everything, then I had to give someone in the same company (the CEO or something), he's new Pentium 3 computer...
And naturally the guy has no clue whatsoever about computers... I hate explaining to people, especially after fighting for 5 fucking hours with that other computer... Naturally the modem card didn't work on that computer, so I had to replace that as well, it made me furious, they are supposed to test the damned card in the lab... but the lab is in total chaos ever since I left it for being a field technician...
After that crap, I went to some customers house because my boss really wanted me too, I thought it would be simple, I had to hook up his scanner and his printer to the computer... I mean it SHOULD be simple, no? OF COURSE NOT!!!
The scanner was no problem, but the printer... What my annoying boss didn't tell me was that this was not a standard printer... it doesn't go to the parallel port like any other standard printer, this was a very big and expensive color laser printer that goes into a network card...
And in my entire life, I never EVER installed that kind of printer...
After an hour and a half I gave up, and ran for home...
I got home around 10 PM...
I was so fucking exhausted and depressed...
I had to watch my second DVD movie since I had to return it a day after to the DVD store, so I stayed awake till 1:30 am to watch the movie... at least it was a good movie...
Monday...
I woke up late on Monday, and rushed to the office, I had to be the entire day at some company since they "bought" me for one day every week to work for them, I know it should make me pleased that companies think I'm so good with computers that they keep wanting me back, but the fact my boss tells me (in humor though) that I was sold, and the guy in the company says he "bought" me makes me feels like a worthless piece of shit...
I was supposed to start my day in the office, then someone was supposed to drive me to the company, in the end I took the car myself from the the office to the company... my day there was ok I guess, I finished working around 6:40 PM, and went home to return my DVD movie...
I got back home, ate, and fell asleep...
I got up around 2 am, I found out I ripped my watch's wristband, and I had a big pain in my stomach, I surfed a bit on the net and went for bed, I usually surf much more but I felt crummy so I let it go...
Tuesday...
I had to go to this local clinic to test their backups, I got there and since I had a few minutes before I had to go in there, I stayed in the car and tried to fix my watch a bit... I fixed it with a rubber band in the end, I got out of the car locked the door and stopped...
I left the car keys in the car...
I agree this is a very funny situation, unless you're the person in the situation...
And I was...
So I had to call the office so that someone would get me the spare key...
I did 2 more companies, and then I worked on computers in the office...
My chest hurt all day though... it's better now but still I don't know what happened to it...
I got home pretty early and watched the DVD title I got from the video store on Monday with Gob, who came to my place after work, Eva called and told me she's getting home from her army base...
I picked her up from the bus station and we talked again at her place...
She decided she wants to go out to eat with me and Guss, while I was driving us to the meeting location, she totally shocked me...
She told me that on the 2 months that we were apart and she had a "sort of" boyfriend as she calls it, she slept with him... and I don't mean the kind of sleep of going to bed and closing your eyes... like we do now... she had sex with him...
It suddenly hurt, bad, I felt so small, like I was nothing to her all these years, you see, she told me she didn't love him, but she slept with him... "for fun"...
"fun"...
The one thing I can't be...
I am no fun, people who want to have fun, don't call me, cause I'm no fun...
I'm a fucking boring computer freak... Where's the fun in that?
When she told me, there was a beautiful song on the radio by Garbage called "The Trick Is To Keep Breathing"

"She's not the kind of girl,
Who likes to tell the world,
About the way she feels about herself

She takes a little time,
In making up her mind,
She doesn't want to fight against the tide

Lately, I'm not the only one,
I say, never trust anyone,
Always the one who has to drag her down,
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

Can't bear to face the truth,
So sick he cannot move,
And when it hurts he takes it out on you

Lately, I'm not the only one,
I say, never trust anyone,
Always the one who has to drag her down,
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

The trick is to keep breathing,
The trick is to keep breathing

She knows the human heart,
And how to read the stars,
Now everything's about to fall apart

I won't be the one who's going to let you down,
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around,
(The trick is to keep breathing)
I won't be the one who's going to let you down,
(The trick is to keep breathing)
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around,
(The trick is to keep breathing)
The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing..."

So I breath... and exist...
I feel so small, so insignificant...
Not fun...
I'm no fun...
What a horrid week...
And it isn't over yet...
Why am I so fucked up? Why can't I have fun and like discos and pubs and drinks like other people my age?
Why am I so settled down...
WHY AM I NO FUN!
Wishing for someone who'll be no fun like me is a complete waste of time, I have nothing to offer... nothing...
I'm waiting for you Tiff, I'm waiting for you to read this... so I can believe you care...
The truth is not relevant...
END OF LOG

Sunday, March 28^th 1999
1:35 am

Dear log,
So here I am again...
Another dull and crappy day in my existence...
Eva slept over, again I felt like we are getting close, again she shuts me out...
Why do I do this? Why do I torture myself with her?
I drove her home this morning around 11:30 am back home. She spent time with her friends, then she spent time with her cousin, then she spent time with her other friends...
I'm still alone...
I feel alone...
I wish I had a life...
Not the social life I had with my old friends...
But something new, then I could boomerang her and tell her I have plans...
Well, I could always invent imaginary plans...
Go to see movies with fake people while I actually go see them alone...
Should I?
Should I end it?
Why did I get back to her?
Is it for the sex? Cause I would like to think more highly of myself... but maybe it is for all that physical touch... She can't make me feel she loves me, she always makes me feel the opposite, that I am a boyfriend on standby, a teddy bear to hug at night and toss away when morning breaks...
I'm no fucking teddy bear... she wants to come over after she goes out with her friends, after midnight...
Late at night, when she has nothing better to do, THEN she comes over, then she needs MY attention...
The rest of the time she gets it from her friends...
I need attention too, that's why I'm here, tossing my thoughts into the Internet void...
Tiff, where are you?
I feel so alone and desperate again...
Please read this...
Please listen...
You're the only one out there that does it out of her own free will...
Please don't stop...
I need that...
That attention... The thought that at least one person, even though so far away, takes interest...
Would read anything and everything I write, no matter what...
I am alone...
Perhaps I always will be...
Me and Eva won't last... not like this... yet every time I break up with her, I end up a month later fearing the fact that I'll be all alone forever... That she is the only one that would put up with me...
So maybe the price for that is to let her do what she wants and ditch me whenever she feels like it?
Maybe being treated like crap is what I need to pay in order to have a girl in my life...
And maybe one day I'll be able to fade away...forever...
END OF LOG

Monday, March 29^th 1999
1:04 am

Dear log,
Tiff is back...
I guess finally things are back to normal, if I can call this normal... writing a silly log and getting addicted to the one person that reads it... But I guess it's pretty obvious since I really need the attention... So I take what I can...
Tiff wrote:

"Subject: I'm back

That is weird that you mentioned garbage in your log last time, because I went
to see them and alanis morisette in concert on my vacation. They were very
good.
I had a complete breakdown on my vacation, it was, umm, interesting..
Anyways, I read July.. What is MW, I know you mentioned it in June, but I
forgot. I have a bad memory. Is it an acronym for the girl you were supposed
to meet?
I want to know about your childhood, for instance, were you a sad or a happy
child, stuff like that, defining moments, and whatnot. I also watched a
really good video I think you would like, it's a woody Allen film, called
Annie hall. Have you seen it?"

Welcome back Tiff... I missed you being here... you know...
It's times like these I wish I knew more about you, but I guess I can't really expect from you to add too much detail, since maybe you don't want to share...
Still, if you want to tell me what happened, why did you have a breakdown on your vacation? Who did you take the vacation with? Friends? Family?
You don't have to answer, but I really would appreciate it if you do...
MW is short for "Mystery Woman", the girl I was supposed to meet 3 years ago and fall for... never did meet her you know... conclusions? Don't believe fortune tellers...
My childhood?
I grew up in ages 3 till 7 in Lagos, Nigeria... that's in Africa... somewhere...
I believe that I had it great there in Africa, we had a large house a nanny... only bad things I remember are occasional fights with my sister... She always won since she was bigger than I was...
Then we got back home to my country, I used to love it as a little boy... Now I hate it...
I was with Shawn there, in Africa, we used to be together all the time... what bothers me the most today are the things I did as a little boy... I know it's normal, but I can't stop feeling ashamed and bad about it... I explored my sexuality with Shawn... the sexuality of a 5 year old...
I remember a certain moment when we are both under the sheets, we are both naked, as we were many times... I don't remember why, or what we were doing, but I remember my sister got in the room and told us not to hide under the sheets... Then my mom entered...
I don't remember what happened next even though I try...
I feel terrible for the things I did...
When I got back to my country I continued though...
I guess you could say I wasted all my charm and luck on girls till I reached 8...
I remember 2 other specific girls I "explored" with...
Sometimes on rare occasion I see them, on the street... and I want to apologize... for things I did 13 years ago... I wonder if they remember, I wonder if Shawn remembers...
I think she does, I think they all do...
It fills me with shame...
After I got back to my country I lived with my mom alone for a while since my dad was still in Africa, eventually he joined us...
And I guess this is were crucial events started taking place...
My parents would always fight... screaming yelling... and I developed a system... a system I use till this very day... I would just close myself and not say a word till it's all over...
Every time there is a huge fight near me, I close, if someone asks me something, or wants a comment from me, I just stare... I dare not speak...
Sometime at the age of 8 or 9, my dad called me to the kitchen and asked me if I wanted a brother...
I asked him if mom was pregnant...
She wasn't...
He told me that he cheated on my mom with another woman and I have a half brother from someone else...
Naturally he didn't say it in those words, he softened it up a bit...
I never saw this "brother", I guess I deny his existence...
Moments I remember from my childhood...
My first suicidal moment...
Sometime around the age of 10 or 11 I believe... I actually had a small log I put in a notebook back then... HA, maybe if I'll find it I'll translate it to English and put it here also...
A log of an 11 year old...
That should be amusing... and maybe give a shrink something to work on...
My first suicidal moment... after a beating from my sister, I crawl to the kitchen and hide under the table...
I'm bleeding, she used her fingernails and cut me...
I start thinking of death and ways to die...
Mostly sticking a knife in me...
I suddenly realize death does not frighten me...
That if I die, I shall not regret it...
I was not a popular child either, I'd go out Fridays with the rest of the class, and they would walk around and at some point I would just stand still and watch them fade away in the distance... they never missed me... I would just head for home...
I guess I need more specific questions to give you more specific answers... I was never good in giving out information about my life...
I surfed the web again and decided to see if I'll have any luck finding other people's personal diaries...
I succeeded...
When I first started out this page I thought I was original, here I am, revealing myself to the world...
But as they say, if you build it, they will come...
And someone made a place just for personal diaries...
I'm guessing I'm still a bit original since the earliest log there is from December 1998, and here I started my page around June 1998... who knows, if I would have found that place almost a year back I probably wouldn't be writing here...
Or maybe I would have added myself to the list of hundreds of people who "share" their lives...
Anyway, maybe you'll find it interesting Tiff, www.mydeardiary.com...
I'm thinking of shutting down...
With a collection of almost 700 personal diaries, I don't think the net needs my presence here...
I feel small and useless again...
I checked a few of the logs...
Unfortunately 80% of them were just filled with stupid sex stories and experiences... sex, sex, sex...
I'm so fucking fed up with it...
Yes, I had sex, yes it's good, but I'm not going to write about it day after day after day...
Au contraire even...
In one of my original logs I describe some of my first sexual experiences and I'm thinking of cutting them out since I don't feel they are appropriate...
What do you think Tiff?
Or if there is anyone out there but Tiff, I'd gladly take more opinions... even though there is time till I get to that month...
I have to work on August 1995, probably the biggest log entry I ever made... almost 100k of text... that's a lot to go through and edit...
I wish people would be more true... or perhaps they are and they are obsessed with sex...
I need sex, I'm not kidding myself... it feels great, it feels loved...
But I need more than just sex...
I talked to Eva a while ago...
I asked her why is it I only get to be with her only after she has nothing better to do...
I mean, she wants to have a more meaningful relationship, as do I, but it seems like the only one that's really trying to make things different is me...
She keeps doing whatever she wants...
If she wants this to work, she needs to give me more attention, more of her time, not after midnight, but time to do things...
I mean if she keeps having fun with her friends and then shows up around midnight just to fall asleep it's not worth much is it?
It seems like all I'm good for is to hug her at night...
This is going right back where we started, sex only...
Cause she'll be doing all the fun stuff with her friends...
I told her to make up her mind...
And if she won't make it up soon, then I'll make it for her, and fade away from her life...
As much as I can fade away from it...
She'll have to promise not to get in touch with me again... not till I find someone else...
Well, I think I'll go read others peoples logs and try to find someone I can relate too...
In the meantime I don't know what to do with this pathetic excuse for a web page...
After all, you're the only one here Tiff, all the past week you were on vacation, no one came...
Maybe I should just leave the place to die... or delete it...
It doesn't seem needed anymore...
About Woody Allen, no I haven't seen the film, I'm not a big Woody Allen fan, last movie I saw of his was Antz, and that's just cause it was made with computer animation... lame huh?
END OF LOG

Wednesday, March 31^st, 1999
2:23 am

Dear log,
Well, starting April 1st 1999 you can read my log both here and in www.mydeardiary.com just look for "the_anonym" and read ahead...
The first 2 entries are unique (first 3 actually) but the rest will be identical...
I guess I just need the attention, ever since Tiff found this page I don't think I have anything to hide...
It's too late now anyway... I already posted the address anyway and you can't remove it...
8 people looked at the log in 24 hours... can you believe that?
I've been here for 9 months and only 3 people came by... the counter is mostly counting me in every update and counts Tiff whenever she reads my log...
I had a long day yesterday...
I spent 7 hours of work looking for anything relevant to the year 2000... it fucked up my head entirely... looked through dozens of sites to find year 2000 compliance's crap... I wonder what will really happen to computers when the turnover to 2000 occurs...
Eva came home from the army yesterday, I drove her home, we talked an hour in the car, then I had to go to my grandma, later I returned home...
She came around 23:40 (11:40 PM) and we talked a bit more...
Basically she says she loves me, but she doesn't have enough time to spend with me... She has to share it with all her friends...
And me? I have to feel special, like she cares, and it doesn't feel as if she cares...
I told her she has to decide if she's going to try and make this work out, by trying by changing, both of us... to change for the other because we want to be together because we care... I'm willing to do it, and I already showed her I'm serious...
She cried, she's very good at crying... I'm very good in making her cry...
She then said that we should see other people... that she wants to be my friend...
I told her I don't need friends, they don't help in anything... I don't want someone just to sleep with, and I don't want someone just to talk with... I want them both, I want someone to care enough about me to give me both...
I told her if I was supposed to move on then she can't call me anymore, she can't see me anymore... Cause if she does, we'll be stuck in a loop...
I don't want to know, not anymore, I don't want to know who's the person she spent her 2 months with, I don't want to know what she did with him, I don't want to know how happy she was...
I simply don't want to know...
And if she calls me in 2 months I'll know...
She wants to have fun, so she chooses her friends over me, or perhaps she simply doesn't love me enough, because now that I want to get back together, to really make a difference, she's not willing to contribute in it...
She doesn't have the time...
She needs a boy that could have fun with her and her friends... or in other words, not me...
Mr. Boredom, at your disposal...
What's left for me to do?
Time to rent DVD movies like mad I say...
I've got time to waste and I can't concentrate anyway...
Another mistake to add on my ever growing fuck ups list...
It seems like every time I set my mind to set things better, I end up making them worse...
The star of some fucking cosmic joke...
"Lately I'm not the only one
I say never trust anyone"...
If she loved me, if she really truly loved me, she'd try, for my sake... for OUR sake... but I know who she really loves, who she really loves to be with... her friends...
Back to the computer we go...
END OF LOG