Wednesday, May 17th, 1995
1:13 a.m.
Dear log,
Well, here I am again with yet another attempt to record my feelings and
thoughts and write them down. I had log about 2 months ago but I erased it,
I'm pretty sorry about that but it's kind of late now.
I thought I didn't need that log since I ain't going anywhere, I still think
I'm not, but if something happened to me I guess it's good that there is a
chance that someone might find this log (even though there aren't any computer
experts in this house). My first log I opened with a pretty long background
story so anyone who read it could pretty much understand what was going on,
in this log I won't do it that way, I'll sort of "flashback" with some people
so others could understand but not many full stories.
I don't really know why I'm making another log, I hate reading them later,
I feel stupid, and I hate myself. Maybe I just don't like being reminded that
I was alive back then.
So...why am I writing a log?
Cause even though I'd really like to die soon and have a nice chit chat with
God, I think the guy upstairs doesn't want that at the moment, and since
suicide is not yet an option (jumping from a building sucks (what if you
regret it on the way down?) and taking pills might leave me alive (plus a
record that I attempted suicide - bad for the army and my life). Which leaves
us with shooting myself but I don't have a gun, so that's out (until I'm in
the army).
Anyway, last log I left with unanswered situations, since then they have been
(unfortunately enough) answered, my fault...
So, what's new?
Yesterday (Tuesday, May 16th), I went to a sort of fortune teller, I was
really depressed for a long time (and I still am) and my mom just had to know
what was wrong with her son, I told her that there was nothing she could do,
which is true, and that knowing some of my problems (I didn't tell her all)
would not be good for her. I was right. She found out exactly what her son
thinks about life - he hates it and he prefers being dead.
She was pretty shocked, kept telling me to go to professional help and stupid
guidance counselors, but I know that they can't do anything to help, sure
they can talk about the problems but they can't solve them so what help are
they? Anyway, just when we were about to finish the conversation she told me
about this woman she goes to who reads your future in cards, and asked me if
I believe in that stuff and if I wanted to go. The truth, I'm so down I'll
believe in anything that might help, even that. I thought I knew exactly what I
was going to hear ("I see death, you are dead..." or "You will have an
extremely lonely life" and stuff like that) but she told me I had a long life
line in my hand, great, a man who wants to die has to get stuck with a dumb
long life line, so as long as I'm alive and suffering I might as well document
it. Plus if I write down what she told me I can check them out later and see
if they really happened.
Ricki (the fortune teller) told me that I feel very alone, that I don't trust
anyone and keep things closed to myself, I don't even talk to my friends cause
I think they can't understand and I give them this "live and let live"
situation. She said I have the burden of a 30 year old man and that I'm not as
free as the rest of the teenagers, I'm not having fun and trying to make most
out of my life. All of that is true I don't tell my secrets to anyone, even
my closest friend Lin, a nice redhead girl from school who is most probably
my closest friend (Plus everyone else's, she has MANY friends). I just don't
think anyone my age can understand what I'm going through, I guess you might
say that my spirit is older than my body, I want to be after school and after
the army so I can get a job and start doing things in my life (she said I'll
be a business man, I can't imagine me as a business man, I was thinking more
of 3D computer animation dude - I do fantastic things with a 3D program and
without really studying it either).
About the future...
My parents are divorced my dad got remarried a long time ago and my mom has
a boyfriend who is currently living with us, she said he'll leave in about
2 months, we shall wait and see...
Then she got to the romantic part, the most important part for me. For a guy
whose had pretty lousy experiences with girls (I'll tell you more about it
some other time, most stories are pretty long...) I really wanted to know how
long is it till I finally find some girl who could love me. I thought she'll
say that I will forever be lonely but she said something else. When she
turned those Tarot cards over I was sure there would be that skeleton picture
meaning something very bad will happen, to me. It wasn't there, but I wanted
it to be there. She told me I was very lonely and that currently I don't have
a girlfriend (how true) she said I'll be pretty depressed for 2 months but
it'll pass. She told me that I won't have anything serious with girls for
about a year, I'll look at girls, talk to them but nothing will come out of
it. She said that close to summer next year I'll have a girlfriend and that
she'll make me extremely happy, she said it would last about a year a year and
a half and it will end, no marriage.
She told me I'll be far from home at the army but I won't be in a dangerous
place, and that I'll have 2 really good friends there.
She told me I'll get married when I'm about 26, and that I might live abroad.
She then asked me if I had any questions.
I asked for more details on the girlfriend, I had to know more about it cause
currently only one girl is on my mind constantly, Shawn, (another long and
the saddest girl story I have) and she told me that maybe in the future we
will have something going on but not right now, (the full story will be told
in the future). Since then, she (knowingly or unknowingly) hurt me many times
by telling me about boys she saw, and how cute they were. (* Right now Duran
Duran's song: Perfect Day is playing on the TV, it was
supposed to be our song, cause we heard it together when they premiered it on
MTV, I used to hear it a lot before what happened, now I don't it makes me sad
and depressed).
Anyway, because she kept telling me about those cute boys she keeps meeting
I think she is trying to tell me that me and her will never be together, I
get hints and I live in reality. Ricki said my girlfriend will be around my
age (a year more a year less), she is very nice, she will be open with me and
I will be open with her. She said she has brown-blonde hair and
that she has beautiful eyes, bright color. she said she was kind off chubby, and
it will happen in about 1 year. Well, she definitely described Shawn in that
description, so you might say it's her, but since you can also include my
ex-girlfriend in that description (and another 10,000 girls) it could be
almost anyone, I'm hoping it's Shawn, cause one year isn't enough to get over
her, she is probably my true love.
Well that's in short what she told me, now we have to wait and see.
I have a Final exam next week too, I don't know how I'm supposed to pass it.
Plus, I've been invited to 2 fire parties, I kind off wanted to
stay home and feel bad, but my friends (Lin, Rona, Mira (who doesn't really
know me) wanted me to come, mostly cause I tell pretty dumb jokes, I make good
impersonations of people and I can always make them laugh, I just wear my mask
and make them laugh, regardless of my own feelings, I'm a born actor.
My birthday is coming up soon.
I hate my birthday, I hate people coming to me telling me it's my birthday,
I don't remind them and I usually never tell people when my birthday is
coming up. I talked to Shawn once, and she told me when her birthday was, but
I didn't tell her when mine was, all she knows is that it's sometimes around
May, I keep saying I'm almost 17. I want to forget the fact that I was born,
and I have to live here, and I don't want to be reminded of it, I hate my
birthday. I'm going to be 17 then, that's good, 16 was the WORST year of my
life, it was sad, bad, rotten, everything but sweet, I had a sorrow 16, I
always thought I was different. What I want now is a license so I can take
the car and just drive, going nowhere, being with myself, wind.
It's 2:47 a.m. and I have to get up early tomorrow morning so I'll leave for
now, I still have many stories to tell and they will be told. Trust me.
END OF LOG.
Thursday, May 18th, 1995
13:04 (1:04 PM)
Dear log,
as you recall I had a fire party yesterday night, I didn't want to go,
but later that night Rona and Lin called and they started to tell me that
I had to come, they threatened me and etc...
So I got ready went down to the bus station and waited for the bus to come, after a while
it did. I got to the fire around eleven o'clock at night. I felt I didn't
belong there, the feeling was right. I hated it, there were too many people
and there were people I didn't want to meet. I met Lin's new friend Don,
frankly I don't know what she saw in him (plus that night he talked to
everyone else except her). So I stayed for a long time and here is some of
the events that took place, there was beer and alcoholic drinks (tequila),
people got drunk (I mean really drunk), people smoked and in other words it
really sucked and I regretted ever coming there. There was another fire close
by which belonged to 9th graders, our boys flirted with their girls, and since
they came to visit us a lot I even got the chance to talk to them and show
them what a dork I am (I guess I don't make very good first impressions, or
any impressions). So I met a few girls I thought I had already seen before
(but only God knows where), and I acted like an ass (nothing new), I guess I
just wanted to feel like I belong, which I didn't. Frankly, if I would have
charmed one of them and I would have gotten a phone number, I don't know if I
would have used it, I don't think I should see a girl that young (around 14
years old), plus they never actually look for a long lasting relationship,
they want something temporary, and it's cool having a boyfriend 2 years older
than you. Anyway, it don't really matter, I guess I wanted to get a phone
number and a girl that's interested in me so I could try and forget Shawn,
I just gotta get her out of my mind and heart, but I can't, I just can't.
Well, one of my friends got lucky, Gus, a really nice dude got carried away
to the girls fire by the girls (or so he claims) and he even got a phone
number, though Rona told me that since he really believes in love that he
isn't rushing into anything, he should talk to me, I'll tell him the horrible
truth: True love between a man and a woman almost doesn't exist in the world
and the chance to find it is pretty much hopeless cause according to theory
there exists only one true love for each man and woman and once you find your
true love (if you do) mostly you have to face the fact that your true love
doesn't love you. Sad but true, I've been there and I'm still there.
Most of my time I was sitting around the area were they prepared the meat,
I talked to Tira a nice girl (plus one of the few that actually talked to me)
but she left around 1 o'clock so I was pretty much alone again.
Around 1:30 a.m. I wanted to leave I was having the worst time of my
life, a friend of mine ,Charley, had a sort of birthday party there and
his girlfriend brought him balloons and other weird stuff to embarrass him.
He was like the reason for the party, I was very jealous, nobody ever cared
about me like that. I don't like being reminded I have a birthday but to get
cute stuff from someone who really cares (a girlfriend), that could make my
day a great one. For my birthday to be perfect a phone from Shawn, fat chance
though, I never told her when I was born before last month and now it doesn't
matter anymore, does it? I guess that in my birthday I'll go to sleep and pass
the day unconscious. I wanted to go home and I didn't care what I had to do to
do it. So I invited some people to stay at my house till morning. The people
who came: Lin, Rona, Gus, Margie and we walked Elda and Dall home. All
of them are great guys. I'd like to know Dall and Gus (especially Gus) better.
So we walked home met another part of the class on the way (they were going
the opposite direction, perhaps towards our fire (where the other half of the
class were)). So we walked (!!!) home, talked a few words to some girls on the
way, talked a bit to another fire, and we were home (my home). Looking back
I wished we talked some more to other people on the way, you know for fun, but
all were tired. We came to my house and we all went to sleep. Lin and Gus
left around 8 in the morning and the rest around 12. I guess it was a bad idea
inviting them over but I wanted to be home (though being alone would have been
better). So 5 people slept on a double bed that was meant for 2 people, we all
squeezed in at the end. I was close to Rona, she likes me I guess, physically
we are very open, we hug and we walk together a lot, the rest of the group
also became a bit more open because of that. But there will be nothing between
me and her cause I do not have feelings towards her, she is nice to be around
with and that's it (plus when we see other girls on the way they think we are
a couple). So that's the story of the fire, I wish I never went, but to late
now.
Nilo called me earlier (while I was writing the log) and told me he told Thema
(a girl he really likes, who (by the way) invited me to go to a movie with her
about 2 months ago, but I was sick and didn't ask for a rain check) his
feelings towards her (he had to do it on the same date I did it, didn't he?)
right now, he is passing time waiting for her to call.
Today, exactly a month ago I asked Shawn to be my girlfriend and she refused.
It's been a whole month and I still can't stop thinking about her, I am
obsessed, everything reminds me of her, every thing I do, every song I hear,
I keep thinking of her, I want to stop but I can't. If this is love I hate it,
LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
I can't have her and it's driving me crazy, I can't see my future without her,
I want to be with her for the rest of my life. But reality won't let me.
God, I want to be dead, peaceful, something else.
A full month has past and I'm starting to believe that I'll never get over
her.
I mean, what the hell was I thinking when I asked her to be my girlfriend,
she is pretty, smart, fun to be with, I would go as far as saying that she is
perfect, I can't see one thing wrong with her. She will make the man she will
be with very happy, unfortunately for me (and fortunately for her) it won't be
me. I still can't believe her ex-boyfriend ended their relationship, he must
be the dumbest man on the planet (Ernie is his name). He must be the only man
I really hate, if he didn't leave her, we would never have met again, and I
wouldn't be in the state I am now. I'll tell you about the entire story with
me and her someday when I have lots of time to write, it's a VERY long story.
I'll never get over her, never.
END OF LOG.
Friday, May 19th, 1995
21:18 (9:18 PM)
Dear log,
3 days left until my History final exam, and I haven't started studying yet.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I've been thinking of Shawn again, I just
can't stop. We were supposed to talk on Wednesday, but she never called, she
didn't call yesterday either. I don't think she'll even call to wish me good
luck. I talked to Lin on the phone, she told me that all the boys had a
drink on the fire except me Gus and Dall. After a while Marva, Charley's
girlfriend, panicked a bit and demanded that he break that bottle, he did and
a fight broke. Almost everybody at that fire was drunk. She also said
that not only Gus got dragged to the 9th graders fire, but that Dall also got
himself dragged there, he just left pretty quickly (she said that she was
surprised they didn't drag me there, I wasn't surprised).
We said that next time we will have our own fire, small but better than this
one. I didn't call Nilo to ask him how he is, I guess it don't matter I
can't help myself so how can I help him?
I think I'll ask mom to order pizza tonight and I'll try to study a bit.
I have so many stories to tell and I don't know when is the right time to tell
them. On Monday, after the final, I have to go this stupid convention to
hear this stupid lecture about correct nutrition. I was sleeping like always
one day and suddenly the bell rang, I opened the door and this woman was like
about to leave (and I would have been saved), she said "I thought there was
nobody home" came back and started asking me all kinds of questions (I
remember answering that I'm pressured (school) and really tired all the time)
and the last question was if I wanted more information, I thought she'll mail
it to me so what the heck, I said yes. A few days later she calls me and asks
to meet for like half an hour so we could talk about it. So because I'm this
nice guy, I got screwed. Hopefully we'll have one meeting and end it (if there
aren't other teenagers there, it'll be so humiliating) but at least I'm going
to "Pulp Fiction" afterwards (I have an all year ticket at the cinema).
Everything I do or hear or see, I keep on connecting it with Shawn. WHY CAN'T
SHE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Damn it.
Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn
damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn
damn!
I'll tell you the full story, just not yet. Not yet.
I won't be having pizza tonight.
END OF LOG.
Saturday, May 20th, 1995
18:28 (6:28 PM)
Dear log,
Shawn called earlier, she said she has been trying to reach me for some time,
but no success, made me feel a bit better, though. I have my
final in 2 days and I haven't started studying yet, I just can't get myself
to do it. Shit.
I did have pizza last night, after all.
She is driving me crazy, and she doesn't even know. How can she know when I
don't tell her. We hardly ever talk about personal things, just when we were
starting to open up to each other, I had to ruin it. I am so stupid. I hate
myself. I wish I was dead.
I bet you want to hear the full story, right?
I'll tell it when I have time, trust me. I just need time.
I'd like to blame someone for what I'm feeling, but there is no one to blame
but me, it is my fault, nobody else's. I should have waited, I'm usually very
good at that.
Back at the fire I had a sort of heart to heart talk with Rona, she spilled
her heart, I listened, when I shut up I'm a very good listener. I didn't spill
my heart, I never do, they just don't understand. They haven't been there and
I don't think they shall ever be (I tried to talk to this guy Leon from my
class, I thought he would understand cause he's been chasing this girl for a
half year, but he didn't he took what I told him as a joke. Another guy I
tried to talk to was Ramond, he had a crush on Lin and she at start liked him
but later didn't, so I thought he would understand, he didn't. (I keep feeling
that I had something to do with the fact it didn't work out between them,
even though I did try to help. Maybe I shouldn't have pushed it so hard, I
don't know)). Anyway, Rona told me (cause I looked depressed and I was
depressed) to stop feeling sorry for myself, cause I'm not such a bad guy, she
then told me about her sad life and her LOW self esteem. If I'm not such a bad
guy, I'm cute and nice, how come girls don't talk to me, huh? How come I have
such a bad time getting friends, huh? And how come when the only time I really
wanted something and did everything I could do, I still got a "no"? HOW COME?!
I'll tell you how, cause it's true, I ain't worth it. I am a LOSER!!! (and a
big one to). I keep feeling God created me cause he needed someone to laugh
at, let's face it everything I do is wrong, I'm like the exact opposite of
"The Wonder Years", he's a success, I'm a failure.
Rona told me to stop blaming the world, I'm not, I'm blaming myself. Let's
face it, it's my fault, all the situation I have created, it's my fault.
That's why I want to die, cause then I won't be causing any trouble, I won't
be hurting any more people, and all are happy.
I guess the person who'll read this (except me) will think I'm crazy, let me
help you out, I am. I went crazy some time ago, I talk to myself a lot since
only I can understand myself, I make dumb dialogs with myself (like it's a
part from a stand-up comedian) and I really think I've lost it. Life no longer
holds an interest for me, I think it's really rotten that a guy my age feels
this way, but that's the fact. I hate living.
You think I should see some professional help? Why? What good can he do?
Can he undo the past? I don't think so. All they can do is talk, try to make
me feel better (which won't work) and send me to the funny farm...
So, seeing pro help is not really an option, is it?
You can say that the only place my feelings show is on my computer, when I'm
creating animations on 3D. I always hoped I'll do something in that
area in the future.
Now that I think of it, computer animation is the only thing I
do good at, I'm the best at it in the area and I'm only 17 (soon).
If there would have been some job using it in here I bet I could impress the
hell out of some people.
[cut out a lot of lines here - revealing, and too many people could realize who I am - March 1999]
It's 20:05, I could write in you forever, but I should stop for now.
END OF LOG.
Sunday, May 21st, 1995
17:49 (5:49 PM)
Dear log,
half a day is gone, and I still didn't start learning for my final exam
tomorrow, I just can't sit and study. What am I going to do?
I'll probably stay up all night, and study. I probably won't finish all the
material I have to learn. Right now, I couldn't care less, tomorrow I won't
be able to care more. I have a bad feeling about that test. I just haven't
been myself in the past months, and I don't have enough time to spend with
myself to get my fucking life organized.
I feel like I'm losing my mind, I can't think anymore, I'm depressed 24 hours
a day. Usually when I was depressed I could hide it and people would think I'm
fine, happy and content with my life. But now, I can't hide it anymore, I
don't have the power to hide it and show the world I'm O.K.
It looks like my entire life is destroyed, I have no past, I have no future.
It happened, one day I woke up in the morning went to school and realized my
life is leading nowhere, I have no one to care for me, I am a nobody. My life
is sinking right to the bottom, and there is no way up for me. I left computer
studies at school and that was my only ticket for the future. Right now, I'm
learning literature instead, what the hell am I going to do with that in the
future. I'm not learning enough things in order to become something in the
future. I am a goner.
My birthday is coming up, maybe I'll ditch school that day. I don't want my
closest friends coming to me saying happy birthday. With other kids at school,
they have a birthday and everyone knows, and they have their boy/girl friend
to make sure he'll be surprised with something cute to make him feel good he
was born. In my case, Lin will probably give me something cute like a poem
or something, some kids at school will greet me with a happy birthday and
that's it. What would I like? I guess I'm hoping Shawn will call, but I don't
recall giving her my birthday date, so it's a long shot. I guess I'd like to
be loved, to feel needed, but since I'm not, I won't feel like it. I want to
disappear on my birthday, to not exist, and come back the day after if I have
to. I tried to find Lin's poem from last year, but no luck.
END OF LOG
Same date (supplemental)
Time: 20:53 (8:53 PM)
I didn't really finish my last log since I tried to find Lin's poem, as I
wrote, no luck. I still haven't started learning for history. I am history.
So we left off at my birthday. My dad said he wants to take me out on my
birthday. I don't want to go out on my birthday, I just want to sleep and let
the day pass...
I found a copy of the letter I Ken on April 18th, only a few hours
after I got the "no" answer from Shawn. I sounded pretty desperate there, I
don't believe I wrote what I wrote, I sounded really stupid, he's probably
going to laugh at me. Problem is, I still feel the same way, I still feel like
I have no future without her. I know I won't be able to ask her to be my
girlfriend in the future, even if I'll be very close to her, I don't know
where I took the guts to ask her a month ago either, it was like my body was
taken over by someone else, it asked the question and then let me back in to
deal with the results. I know that I'll never have anything romantic to do
with her in the future unless she makes a move, and I don't think she'll do
that. I want to be with her more than anything in the world, I'll give up all
I have just to be near her, hold her, hug her, touch her and kiss her. Simple
things that are meaningless to some people but for me it'll mean the world.
I want to dance with her, smell her hair, hold on to her and never let go.
Am I asking for to much? I guess I am.
I gotta go eat now, and hopefully start studying for my exam, I might write
more tomorrow.
END OF LOG
A tad before my birthday, May 1995
15:48 (3:48 PM)
Dear log,
well my History final exam is over (for now), I don't know if I passed or
failed yet, though I have a bad feeling about that test (let's say I rewrote
history). Now there is only about a month left before my final math exam.
Since I didn't sleep all night yesterday I felt like I'm in a constant dream
I didn't feel like I was doing that test or going anywhere, plus it was so hot
that you couldn't think much, it's like a dream (speaking of dreams, I had a
dream tonight that Shawn asked me to be her boyfriend, it really sucks getting
up and finding out it was only a dream). After the exam I waited in order to
talk to other people and I got home around 17:40 (5:40 PM) just to leave it half hour
later in order to get to that dumb correct nutrition lecture. I got there a
bit before 19:00 (7:00 PM) got in this room, met Carma and listened to the lecture which
was all about: HOW TO MAKE MONEY BY SELLING THEIR DUMB PRODUCTS!!!!
So Carma is coming to my house tomorrow in order to explain how to join in
(by the way, I was the only one there who was still learning in school!).
So after that was over, and I made up my mind that I'm not going to be a dumb
salesman yet, I went to the Cinema in order to see the movie "Pulp Fiction"
(Which I had already seen before, but wanted to see again). I went to my
grandma's house saw her new (old) video, talked to mom on the phone had a
drink of water (it was very hot) and left, by then I was awake for more than
30 hours, you can understand why I felt like I'm in a dream. The Cinema was
full of people, and after the movie if I wasn't so woozy I might have met
some nice girls, and shared a taxi home. But I was so tired I couldn't think.
I got home around 00:30, saw what I taped on the VCR and went to sleep around
2:00 a.m.
I couldn't get up this morning, so I stayed home. I slept for about 12 hours
(I was tired) and now I'm up. My B-Day is coming up soon,
it's probably going to be a horrible day.
I haven't eaten anything since yesterday morning, before the test, but I'm
fine, just a bit underweight. I might eat something later on, we'll see.
Well I think I'll be going now, I'm thirsty, and I have some things to do.
I'll probably have a literature quiz tomorrow too.
END OF LOG
Birthday date, sorry but I don't want the world to know…May 1995
00:21 (night)
Dear log,
crappy birthday to me, crappy birthday to me, crappy birthday dear the_anonym,
crappy birthday to me.
I'm fucking 17 today, shit. Shawn called on Tuesday to ask how the final went,
that was sweet. I really do love her, and she doesn't know how much.
So, today I'm 17, hopefully not many people will remember and I'll be left
alone. I'll try to get out of peoples way and to be alone at school, that
shouldn't be a problem. I've got lots of tests coming up, shit!
I was supposed to be dead by now, I was supposed to kill myself 3 months ago,
I never did. At least one good will come out of this b-day, I might be
upgrading my computer (which also means I won't be able to write this log for
a while), I want to make it a 486-DX4, 8 megs upper memory, a better
SoundBlaster card (16 bit) and a quad speed CD-ROM. Sounds cool, right? knowing
my luck I probably won't get any of it. My dad is supposed to take me to a
restaurant today (birthday crap) I'll talk to him about it. Man, I hate this
birthday shit, I was expecting that 16 will be the best year of my life, it
turned out to be the worst. Actually it started good, gave me lots of hopes
and then let me down one by one, no hope left. This year I'm going to be a bit
smarter, I expect 17 will be as bad as 16 if not worse than it. My life is
going down and nobody can change that. I hope I don't talk to many people
today, I just want to be over this day. If people that I want attention from
don't give it to me, neither should the rest.
I also want to stay home on Friday, cause if I go out it might seem that I'm
actually celebrating my birthday, which I am not. I'm going to hide at school,
I'll stay in class and try not to meet anyone, and at the end of the day, I'll
try to leave unnoticed.
[clipped out big part - too revealing - March 1999]
Well that's it for now, I'd better get ready for bed now. It's 00:53 a.m.
and I have a birthday to run away from.
It's not that I don't want to be 17, I do, I just don't want to be 17 in one
specific day, I'd rather it would like take a month: April - I'm 16, May -
I'm 17. no need for a dumb birthday.
END OF LOG
Birthday date, May 1995
12:27
Dear log,
came back from school early today, I don't really know why but I'm not
complaining. I did hear a lot of happy birthday's today, but I passed it.
I got a flower and a "don't be depressed" letter from Lin, that was sweet
and I kind of expected it, she also asked me if Shawn called already to send
a happy birthday, I said she didn't and that she probably won't since I didn't
tell her it's my birthday, she asked me why and I told her that it'll make me
really depressed if she called. I am already depressed I'll just feel worse.
I got another birthday letter from Luda, she drew Garfield on it and wrote
happy birthday, I was kind of surprised that Luda remembered my birthday
since we are not very close, it's probably written in her diary. I'm surprised
she found time to draw that card since she had 3 final exams day after day.
Now that I think about it, Luda also fits the "future girlfriend"
description, but like I said so does other of thousands of girls. It probably
won't be right anyway, I probably won't have a girlfriend by next year, I know
me.
When I talked to Lin today, she asked me if I was still interested in Shawn,
I said I am but she isn't, I also said something about not blaming her and if
I do recall correctly Lin agreed with that opinion, she usually doesn't so
I guess she wasn't really listening, she was pretty much depressed herself.
Lin told me that after school she and Rona are going to buy me a birthday
present, that's sweet. I wonder what they can possibly get for me that I don't
already have, probably something small and cute, something that 20 years from
now I'll look at and remember today. Right now everything is quiet, my mom's boyfriend is
moving his furniture and getting ready to leave (which means that the future
teller was wrong about the date, or did she mean that the relationship itself
will end in 2 months). I expect no phones today (hopefully), the only one that
might call is Rona to tell me happy birthday.
Well so much for birthday.
END OF LOG
Day After Birthday, May 1995
16:38 (4:38)
Dear log,
so I went to eat dinner yesterday at Pizza Hut, it was fine, and then we went
home. I talked to dad about getting stuff for my computer and now I have to
search for good prices. I got a phone from Lucy yesterday and she called to
say Happy Birthday, but I wasn't in.
Today I asked Lin for Lucy's phone number and she said that I won't be able
to reach her today because there is this birthday party for a guy named Kob.
(I forgot to mention that I got a sweet birthday card from my sister)
Nilo asked me to come over to his house today, so I said I can't cause Gob
might be coming to my house (which was true), now everything would have been
fine, but Nilo kept insisting that I come to his house. And he kept whispering
to people, so I thought a small surprise party was being held for me (and that
3 guys only would be there cause Nilo's mom is very strict about people in the
house) I started suspecting when the excuse he gave me to come over his house
is the birthday present he bought me. Later on I talked to Thema and my friend
Charley came telling me he was sorry, but he won't be able to come to my surprise
party, I said it was O.K. cause I thought it's going to be a small party
anyway, I told Lin that I think Nilo is holding a surprise party for me and
she told me that she will be at Kob's surprise party. Too bad but I figured
the party will be small, quiet and will end really fast.
So I told my friend Gob in class later that I know that there is a surprise
party at Nilo's and then he told me that it's not at Nilo's but at my house
(which means MORE people), Nilo was supposed to get me out of the house so
they can arrange the party. Later on I found from my friend Ron that Lin is
arranging the entire thing! There is no Kob, Kob's party is my party! And
I am the fucking surprising victim. I have to go to Nilo's house, stay, and
then Nilo will say he needs something really urgent from my house and we'll
come together and I'll open the door and "SURPRISE!!!"
Shit, fuck and all the other bad words!!!!
I don't want no surprise party, and I don't want many people keeping me awake
all night.
I don't believe they are doing this to me. Lin is doing this to me cause she
thinks that will stop my depression. I don't believe this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am a nobody, I always have been, why change that now?!
Why make a surprise party for me? WHY? WHY? WHY?
I don't want it. I hate this. I thought it was over, my birthday is over and
I can get on with my horrid life, but now I have to suffer from the
consequences of my birthday. Why me? for 3 years I had a lonely life and this
year I started getting into the center of things thanks to Lin, but I never
expected this! I don't want company, I hate the fact that I was born, and I
want to forget it and get it over with.
I mean, it's a nice idea, and a year ago I'd love it, but I've changed, I
don't want to be reminded that I have a birthday. And I thought, great I'll be
able to be home watch this movie on TV and go to sleep, but that's gone now.
I still hope this is a joke and I'll end up with no party, I am a nobody and
I wish to stay a nobody.
After Shawn my self esteem went down to the floor and I guess Lin noticed
and wanted to cheer me up, but I don't want to be cheered up.
I had a small talk with Lin today, we talked about Gus's girlfriend. On the
fire we had he met this girl Karen, and she said: "I'm tired of not having a
boyfriend." Gus said: "I'll be your boyfriend." and apparently he wasn't
kidding, Rona says that he's changed now and that he is really open. She is
really sweet (I talked to her a bit on the fire). Anyway I was telling Lin
how like, Karen looks sweet (and it turns out she is REALLY sweet) and she
said that it was like Shawn being so pretty, so I said that Shawn isn't that
pretty but she is too pretty for me, better boys than me try to hit on her
and with that selection who needs me? Lin said that's not true and that I am
a very nice fellow and stuff, still feel depressed though.
Nilo just called to make sure I'm coming to his house, I said I'll be coming
around 19:30 (7:30 PM) and I asked him until what time I'm staying, he said until 22:30
(10:30 PM) cause then he has to leave (Nilo is usually not allowed to go out in these
hours), he told me he met this girl on the bus and that they are going
to this pub-restaurant), worst lie I ever heard. asked me to bring
him some mods (computer music files).
I didn't ask for the party and I don't really want it. I'll
settle for a nice night at home being depressed, and now I have to act
shocked (which won't be hard) and then act happy (I hate being funny and
act like I'm fucking fine).
Well at least I'll have a story to tell you, I hate this.
I'll give everything I have for a "yes" from Shawn, EVERY FUCKING THING!!!
I fear that she's in this too (fat chance) and that I'll open the door and
see her, I'll be like totally shocked and I don't know what I'll do, it won't
happen though.
I wish Lin didn't care for me so much, I'd rather be alone tonight.
END OF LOG
Sunday, May 28th, 1995
2:16 a.m.
Dear log,
well I was right, there was a "surprise party" for me. I went to Nilo and
almost fucked the whole thing, but I figured that since they went through all
this trouble I better show up. Gob came to Nilo and after telling Nilo I
don't want to go to my house and watching him trying to persuade me to go back
to my house I told him I knew about the party. We then had a discussion about
why I have to be there and after reaching the conclusion that they probably
won't talk to me anymore, I decided I'll go home and take the party and be
humiliated by friends (I just hope that they won't throw anymore parties like
this, I don't want to feel cared or loved by anyone but Shawn, and if she
doesn't care or love me, well neither should the rest of the world.
We then tried to find something to say after everybody shouts "SURPRISE!!!"
At about 22:40 (10:40 PM) Lin called to Cue Nilo, Nilo's dad drove us to my house I
went up the stairs, opened the door, the house was dark, I think mom was
standing next to the door, in front of me was this Helium filled teddy bear
and the floor had about 15 balloons on it. People started peeking behind the
wall and everybody came out, they came from 3 places: the room at the kitchen,
the balcony and from the wall just in front of the front door. I acted kind of
shocked and when people asked if I knew about it I told them I thought it
would be at Nilo's house. After asking around, I found out how the idea began,
Lucy (another girl, just a friend) asked what are the plans for my birthday
and then Lin and Rona thought about the surprise party. The problem was
that half the guests had some sort of quarrel or just didn't like the other
half. Examples:
Luda had a fight with Elda (another girl, just a friend) and now they are not
talking (I spent most of the night talking to her and Thema, Thema didn't have
much company cause she didn't know almost anyone there, she is sweet, if I
wanted I could develop a relationship with her, or so I think).
Almost nobody likes Nordo, cause he thinks he's the smartest one in the world.
The geek squad: Gob (even though he is the lesser geek), Ron and Leon,
they usually stay home Friday nights and go to sleep early, they didn't really
fit in so usually followed me wherever I go, they didn't have such a good
time, I think.
Lucy was alone most of the night thinking (perhaps because she split with her
boyfriend, which is good cause he smoked a lot and he was really dumb)
Nilo was alone too, he didn't even talk to Thema.
And thus most people hung around in small groups.
During the evening, Charley had a serious talk with Mira (a girl, not such a good
friend) in my room and I interrupted them twice, cause I needed some stuff
from my room, later on Charley's girlfriend went in the room (replacing Mira) and
they talked, I wanted to go back in the room and decided not to, Gob was with
me and I told him we better not go in there cause they are probably talking
and I already interrupted twice before. Charley's girlfriend, thought I
said that we are not coming in because they are making out in there, she was
looking weird so I asked her what the problem was, later on she told me and
I explained, I don't know if she believes me or not, I'm not the kind of guy
that says that kind of stuff. I think she believed me, cause later on she was
smiling again. They took some silly pictures of me but luckily the film run
out so I was saved from more pictures. I got a nice shirt from Rona, Lin,
Lucy (and I think also Gus and Thema). Gus's girlfriend wasn't there, she
couldn't come, I also found out I better not talk about her when he's around
cause he doesn't like it so much. The final guests left around 4:00 a.m.
I slept until 15: (3:00 PM), and I didn't do anything today.
I didn't talk to Shawn since last Tuesday and I'm thinking about her a lot.
She thinks that I'm a geek, or just a boring fellow cause when I'm with her,
I'm quiet and I don't tell many dumb jokes or say dumb things. Plus, on
independence day I was with her and her friends and I was quiet, I felt like
I didn't fit in and that I'm not wanted and that if I lived around I could
disappear without anyone noticing.
She doesn't know about my birthday, but I wonder what she'd think about me if
I told her I had a surprise party.
I feel weird now, nobody ever threw a party for me and I was never much of a
popular guy, Lin sort of changed that but still most people DO enjoy me
being round and don't care that I'm there (unlike some of my friends, on
Luda's party I was invited and Nilo was not cause he is considered a sort of
nerd or not a fun guy).
I changed a lot this year, I am totally different and I like it, I always
wanted to change and I thought I couldn't. I wonder what changed me, having a
girlfriend for a month or finding out I'm in love with Shawn. I don't bug
many people anymore and they started treating me different to, well not all
of them but many of them.
The point is people do sort of care about me and like me and I'm not used to
that, and I don't know if I want that, I mean, I'm still alone aren't I?
People really opened up physically at my party, I got hugs from the following
girls when they left:
Lin and Rona, which I'm pretty used to cause we're close.
Thema, that was weird cause we never had any physical contact.
Elda, she is opening up bit by bit.
Marva, Charley's girlfriend so I felt weird when she hugged me.
But then again I was the birthday boy.
Lin made a cake, it was soaked with rum but still O.K.
I didn't blow all 9 (yes nine) candles at once so I don't get my wish this
year, and they tried to bash my head in the ceiling while lifting me up on a
chair 18 times.
We also got the phone bill and it seems I've made to many calls to Shawn, so
I'd better call her on weekends only now.
I wish I could stop loving her and have the guts to invite a girl on a date,
I can find someone now cause Lin can help. I think Lin is getting really
close to me lately, I wonder if she likes me just a bit more than just a
friend? nah. She is trying to find dates and other boys, so it's probably
just a feeling. Well it's 3:06 a.m. so I better go to bed.
It's not over yet, I still have to get presents from those who forgot to bring
them on Friday.
END OF LOG
Sunday, May 28th, 1995
14:54 (2:54 PM)
Dear log,
guess what, back at the fire, Dall also found a nice girl and he dated her on
the night they threw my surprise party on. Which leaves me as the only boy
from the three who didn't drink and has a baby face that didn't meet a girl
that night. Remember that I said that maybe people do care, I guess they don't
I have my group and that's it, I will never be able to find someone else.
I mean if they did it and I didn't that means there is something wrong with me
doesn't it?
So I'm just going to be lonely until mystery lady pops up next year, I don't
really want a girlfriend just someone to care about me. I am asking for too
much, aren't I? I just don't want to be so lonely and feel like crap till next
year, I just want to meet someone nice and spend some time with her till
my mystery girl shows up. I feel left out, like the only boy in this world
who can't find a girlfriend, who knows perhaps that's true.
I have a Biology test coming up soon and I don't know the material.
Well that's all for me.
END OF LOG
Sunday, May 28th, 1995
19:25 (7:25 PM)
Dear log,
SHE KNEW ABOUT IT ALL ALONG, SHE KNEW, SHE KNEW, SHE KNEW!!!!!!!!!
SHE WAS INVITED!!!! DON'T YOU GET THAT?! SHE KNEW!!!!
Shawn called earlier and asked what happened on Friday, I in my stupidity
thought she didn't know it was my birthday and that she doesn't have to know
about that party. She kept asking about Friday until I realized, SHE KNEW
ABOUT IT ALL ALONG!!!
I don't fucking believe this, Lin called her and tried to arrange for her
to come!!!
What the fuck was she thinking about?!!! If I would have seen her at the party
I would freeze and get into shock!!! I wouldn't have known what to do with
myself?!
Doesn't Lin realize that this isn't just any girl?! That I love her and I
can't get her out of my mind?!
I would have stood with my mouth open and a blank expression and I wouldn't
have moved!
How could Lin do that to me?!
All I wanted was my birthday to pass in peace but it keeps coming back all the
time and it's getting worse!
I didn't want no party, and I didn't want for Shawn to know when my birthday
is. I want so much to forget her, to stop thinking of her constantly and I
just can't. I don't know what I would have done if she would have been at the
party. She knows all about it, so she probably figured out that I didn't want
her to know, my feelings are already shattered on the floor and my birthday
keeps on jumping on them, breaking more and more to tiny little pieces.
She said she sent me something in the mail, I don't want it cause the second
I'll get it I'll get attached to it, no matter what's in there. I have to
continue my life and I can't. Shawn wasn't supposed to know. I didn't want her
to know, I want her to forget me so that maybe sometime in my life I'll be
able to forget her. I don't know all of the story yet, I'm going to ask Lin
exactly what she said about me. I bet Shawn doesn't really know where to put
me right now, cause I didn't give her the impression that I party a lot with
friends. Also Nilo is really depressed and wants to lose weight fast to see if
Thema will take him if he is skinny, I think I'm going to put a stop to this
business soon, I'm going to talk to Thema and ask for her feelings, I'm usually
very good at helping others but I'm crap when it comes to helping myself.
I still can't believe Lin called Shawn, it's not her business, I know she
has good intentions but still she shouldn't have done it. I guess that's why
she asked me if Shawn called to wish me happy birthday, she knew that Shawn
knows about my birthday, Shawn didn't call and I thought I was clear, boy was
I wrong.
I feel like shit, I can't stop thinking that Shawn knew about it all along,
I wonder what her thoughts are of why I didn't tell her my birthday was coming
up, Lin probably has the answer to that.
I just hope this is the last surprise my fucking birthday has in store for me,
and that now I'll be able to continue my life.
I wish they never planned that dumb surprise party, if they only knew how much
pain it cost me, and that that pain wasn't over yet. Now Nilo doesn't
understand how come I have so much company around me all of a sudden, the
truth, neither do I, I guess it's cause I'm a close friend of Lin and she
drags me along and people don't care that I drag along, I wish I could give
him my friends from the group, cause I just want to be alone, I don't want no
more company, it's no use having many friends around you if you keep on
feeling lonely, and god knows how lonely I feel, I bet he's having a good
laugh about my life once again, see god enjoys seeing me suffer, that's my
only explanation for why my life is so fucked up. I'd give everything I have
to Nilo, he can take it, he'll find out sooner or later that all these friends
don't mean anything if you can't talk to them, and I never have serious
conversations with people from the group.
Right now, I wish I could just stop thinking about Shawn so much, maybe if I
dated some girls that would make me feel better but I bet I'll just feel
guilty cause I'll feel like I'm betraying Shawn.
Man my life is so fucked, I just want to be left alone, I just want to die.
die die die die die ...........
Well now I definitely know that my 17 year will suck cause it started
terrible meaning it'll end horrible. I just want to be somewhere else, get
away from it all and never come back, just run and run and run.
well that's all for now, I'll brief you again tomorrow.
END OF LOG
Monday, May 29th, 1995
17:03 (5:03 PM)
Dear log,
I talked to Lin a bit, she said she invited Shawn, but after I told her I'd
rather she didn't she thought about ways to cancel the invitation, and later
on she figured that since she didn't call she isn't coming. You could tell
by the tone of her voice that she isn't fond of the girl plus when I told
her what Shawn told me, that she fell asleep on Thursday and couldn't reach
her on Friday, Lin made a comment that she probably didn't try.
I came home and took the mail, Shawn sent me a birthday card, at least she
didn't send me a present it'll be easier to hide a card and try to forget it's
existence than a birthday present.
Guess what was written on the card? "When my computer told me you were weird,
outrageous and completely crazy... (you turn over the page) I just knew we'd
end up best friends!" Did she look all over for a card like this? Does it
have some special meaning? I say it does! I say she sent it to make it
absolutely clear that we are just friends, and that we'll never be more.
I was totally depressed and just when I was thinking I was getting out of it,
it came back twice as hard, I just want to die, life no longer holds an
interest for me. I mean what do I have to live for? Love? no one really loves
me, and I'll never ever be Shawn's boyfriend (dream on, man). Future? I don't
give a shit about my future. I'm a total loser, let's face it, everything I
do ends up wrong, I keep on hurting people, and each time someone is hurt by
me I feel twice as worse than him, plus people keep offending me, and I'm not
strong enough to stand up for myself. I think the world would be a better
place without me. If only I had a gun, you point to the head and "BANG" no
more worries, just peace and quiet, I wonder where I might find a gun. I would
take pills only I don't know what would be a sufficient amount, I don't want
to stay alive and have a record saying "attempted suicide".
I feel like shit now and it's not getting any better, tomorrow I'm going to
find Thema and I'm going to ask her to have a nice long talk with her, Nilo
isn't eating, I wonder if he feels for her like I feel for Shawn. I know I
didn't eat for a few days every now and then, I just feel like I have to keep
on punishing myself, I did so many bad things and I can't make it right so I
feel bad about it and I just starve myself. I usually eat after 2 days, but
Nilo isn't used not to eat and he told me that he ate rice but threw it all up,
it's time to have a long talk with Thema and at least solve (or try to solve)
his problem if I can, cause he needs help and wants it, and I can perhaps
help him or just make him feel better, I doubt that he really loves her.
Me, nobody can help me, and I don't want anybody to help me but death, I want
to die so much that I even envy people who died in army accidents and in wars,
sad isn't it?
END OF LOG