Wednesday, May 1996
4:13 a.m.

Dear log,
well it's almost morning and again I found a horrible time to write.
I did neglect you for a long time didn't I?
Well during this time I found out that there are certain things I can tell and
certain things I can't tell Eva, I mean other peoples secrets, so I am
going to play clever, a secret is not worth shit after a certain amount of
time and since I am the only one to access this log (at least till I die) it
is pretty safe to tell you everything (unless of course I do die, and
suddenly the entire world knows of others people's problems, but since they'll
also know about mine, I don't give a fuck).
Excuse the language I started swearing lately.
Do you know I had you for more than a year now? You served your purpose back
then but now, I hardly ever write, maybe it's because I finally have a
shoulder to cry on, I dunno.
That also means my birthday is coming up, this year - no surprise party,
nothing, nada, zilch. Hopefully I'll just stay home and die, but that won't
happen would it?
I don't know what I'll be doing this Saturday, it seems that everything is
going from bad to worse just for my birthday, things are getting worse.
I want to stay home in bed, I don't want anyone to call, I want to disappear
for a day, just not be here at all, return after I'm 18.
I struck gold this year with the tests that fell in the lot, Literature fell,
and so did Bible and History, the army is coming towards me in top speed, and
soon I will die, I promised Eva I'll try to stay alive there, but I don't
think there is much hope for me, I wanted this for too long.
Nilo is involved in a new relationship or something, the girl he met,
has a boyfriend but she told him she thinks of him and kissed him, I hope Nilo
won't get hurt again, she shouldn't toy with feelings like that.
Rona and Mick are going to get to the point of no return soon, that is sleep
together, I hope they enjoy it, we do.
It seems like we pretty much fit together in bed, Eva and me, I can make
her reach an orgasm during intercourse (sounds like a meal). That means she's
a pretty rare woman. I sometimes wonder how long it'll last, our relationship,
surely sooner or later she'll wake up and see who she's with and leave, and
then I'll be free to do anything I want without thinking.
I have been with Eva so much that I started to neglect my other friends,
Rona thought about breaking contact, is my sub conscious kicking in to take
care of my grand plan? I don't know...
Rona asked me if Eva was enough for me and that I don't need other
friends, I lied, I told her I do need other friends, but frankly I don't.
I'll be just fine with Eva and my computer, sick I know, but I don't need
people, if Eva should ever leave me, I'll get over her after some
extensive playing in my computer, I know I can manage without them, I soon
will, after I get drafted I intend to break connections with almost everyone.
Then the question will be to live or die, I don't know.
My computer will soon be sent to be fixed, what means that I'll have to hide
you in a disk, and return you later, my CD-ROM drive went crazy again. I hate
it when that happens.
I feel weird now, I feel like I'm flying, I'm fucking depressed.
I hate my birthday.
Last Saturday when I was at my dad's, my stepmother and my sister had a pretty
loud argument now my sister told me that when we go out
this Saturday (which is my birthday), it's either my stepmom or her, I told her I
don't want to get in a fight with my stepmom, so she told me she's not coming.
I'll call the entire meal off, fuck it, I don't need this shit, I hate my
birthday, I don't have any fucking thing to celebrate, I'll stay at my fucking
home and do nothing! I won't go out with anyone. I'll either be alone or with
Eva, that depends on whether she'll sleep at my house or not, like I know
her parents and my birthday, she probably won't.
Just as well, I'll stay home all day, do nothing, feel miserable, and
disconnect the phone.
Or maybe I'll jump from a really tall building, and faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall
down................
I'll fly down, to the floor.
God, I wish I were dead, never mind.....
END OF LOG