Sunday, May 2^nd 1999
19:37 (7:37 PM)

Dear log,
Finally all is quiet...
Though I don't like the new http link (listen.to/the_anonym), I think it's too easy to guess, but I still have my counter and if it ticks to high I will leave again...
Let's end this Tiff issue shall we?
Yes, I looked at her picture...
I don't think she's real...
She looks like a doll...
I swear, it's as if her skin is made of plastic...
She's pretty, but it was obvious she was going to be...
It's me that has to live with my ugly face...
I looked at my picture over and over...
And I wonder if this is really how a monster looks...
Friends tell me I look fine...
Eva was really attracted to me...
But Tiff hit me hard...
I feel so ugly...
Maybe she thinks I'm fat...
I don't know...
What is it? My eyes? My nose? My hair? My ears? My lips?
All together?
I'm not fat...
I was chubby once...
Now I'm WAY underweight...
I feel so empty...
When that blow from Tiff came...
I guess it hit me hard...
I look at my life, and I see nothing... no future, no present, no past...
Everything I did ended up being bad...
My life has no meaning...
And I can't give myself one, since I can't see anymore...
My love life is hopeless...
Shawn never wanted me...
Eva thinks I'm not fun enough for her...
Tiff probably thinks I'm ugly...
Here I am... the monster... the freak...
Net geek...
Computer geek...
Enough of this...
But where can I go?
I don't see any girl in my future...
It's dark and lonesome...
Career plans maybe?
I have none...
3D art and animation will die very quickly as things get easier over time...
Once making a man walk took a long time...
Now with a plug-in, a 5 year old can do better than me...
So 3D is not a good thing to be...
And my future is blank...
I don't have anything to hope for...
No meaning...
No joy...
All I can see is loneliness and despair...
I am taking myself out of the music business...
And the net life...
It holds nothing...
I am going to get some final CD's... after that I'm out...
I don't know what to do...
I need someone to hold on to...
A string to keep me going...
But there is no one...
It's empty...
There is no one around no more...
I took care of that...
I scared all of them off...
My time is up...
My game is over...
I lost...
I lost big time...
I want to die so badly again...
I want to leave so much...
I lead an empty life... empty existence...
I live in a fantasy I have created...
Nothing is real...
So I'm hiding again, in all those web pages...
And I know one day someone will find me, and I'll have to hide again...
Till one day I shall die...
And the page will stay in one place forever...
No... I don't fit with people...
Not even in an online community...
I'm just different...
Nothing can change that...
Ever...
My birthday is coming up...
I'm going to be alone again...
So what else is new?
I hate my birthday...
What do I want as a birthday present?
Someone to care about me and love me enough to be with me all my life and spend those horrid 24 hours of my birthday with...
Eva will probably call to wish me happy birthday...
I know her... my birthday will make a good excuse to talk to me again...
I must be cold...
Cold as ice...
I must drive her away from me...
Even though a part of me is begging me to reconsider...
It's telling me to do anything...
Anything... so I won't end up alone...
I can't listen to it...
No reason to ruin her life because I'm lonely, right?
We don't really fit anyway...
I don't fit with anyone...
I don't "complete" anyone...
I'm not anyone's "half"...
I am too empty...
I can't complete anyone else, not when I am nothing...
Nothing with half still gives you half...
So I shall stay here... in my dreams... waiting for death to take me...
And maybe give him a helping hand?
END OF LOG

Thursday, May 6^th, 1999
13:45 (1:45 PM)

Dear log,
Finally my day off work, and I spend it at home listening to music and basically wasting time...
I had a strange day yesterday...
Which is odd... for me...
On my way to work I got on my regular bus, and near the end of the bus there sat this girl, in a blue buttoned shirt, with just a bit of her black bra showing...
It kind of got my attention... (the girl not the bra)...
I take note of people, I usually remember a face when I see one...
Especially women, I examine their "behavior" if you can call it that, I notice things they do...
Now this girl had a very pretty face even though it is extremely standard, a clip in her hair, which was black, and brown eyes...
But she was cute...
In fact I don't even remember how she looked now... I'll know if I see her again though...
She turned to me near the time when I had to get off the bus and asked me what the time was...
It was 8:45 am...
I got up to leave the bus, and waited for the bus door to open, she kept staring at me...
Or at least I think she was staring at me...
Either that or she was staring through me...
Or trying to read my "Sister went to London" T-shirt...
I got off the bus...
And I can't stop thinking about her...
Which is odd...
I'm usually not like that...
I'll never see her again, I'm pretty sure... since I never saw her before in the past...
And still I can't get her off my mind...
WHY???
Because she asked me what time it was?
I notice many pretty girls around, some prettier than her...
Do I need attention that much that her asking for the time triggered me off?
Am I THAT desperate...
Am I that lonely?
I usually have some sort of string to hold on too, to keep me going...
I don't have anything now...
Not since Tiff went...
I examined myself in the mirror a lot...
I was unshaved...
There was no way that girl was looking at me...
No way...
My mind knows... my mind always knows...
But my wishes want something different...
If ever I shall see her again, I know I won't make a move...
I'm too shy...
And I know she isn't my type...
Maybe I'm just alone...
So alone...
No more strings to hold on to...
And I'm falling...
And my birthday is coming up...
And I'm going mad!
I don't know what to do... I don't know where to go... I don't know where to hide...
And what if I DID make a move??? What the hell can I have to offer?
Nothing! Absolutely nothing! I'm pathetic! I don't even have a fucking life! How can I be with someone???
What's the point in trying?
What's the point?
It'll end up bad... like the rest of my actions...
But there's always my imagination...
I told my sister a bit about Tiff...
My sister wants to see a shrink to get a bit of order in her life...
HA!
Miss popularity herself, with problems?
She thinks so highly of herself... How can she have problems...?
She want to take me out on my birthday...
I don't want to go anywhere...
I wonder if I should try anything if I ever see her again...
Maybe she was wondering how ugly I am when she looked at me?
How the hell can I know?
Eva liked the way I looked...
Eva was too much into physical shit...
I need someone to talk to... How do I know I can talk to her???
Why do I even bother with these questions? I'm not going to see her again, but I can't stop wondering "What if?" I hate wondering...
I hate this...
I'm like my mom... damn it...
She's probably underage or something... with all the shit going on 15 year old girls look like they are 25...
Stop...
I must stop thinking about this...
I MUST...
I'm so fucking lost...
I'm so fucking alone...
I don't want to do anything...
Yet somehow I make it through another and another day at work...
Waiting so much time...
Waiting too long...
For death to just take me away from it all...
END OF LOG

Saturday, May 29^th 1999
2:24 a.m.

Dear log,
Another month, another move...
I put you in a new location again...
Why?
I got an E-mail from a person that said I could relate to her...
So me, being the idiot that I am, believed her... and told her where to find my continuing life story...
I read her diary entries on My Dear Diary, and when she started describing the way she masturbates...
Sorry... no connection there... I had to move...
So I did, and I am now in my new location... the easiest one yet... listen.to/mydiary...
I don't want to move anymore... I'm sick of it...
Sick of everything...
My birthday came and left, like every year... and I hated every second... like every year... I was alone mentally... but not physically..
I feel madder than ever...
I don't know how long I can keep up the performance that I am sane... I am NOT sane...
I bought music on my birthday, my drugs...
I bought the last "Eels" album...
I bought it on impulse... something I only have when it comes to music...
Turns out to be the best album from all the other 5 I bought...
So many songs about death...
"My descent into madness"
I can feel my sanity leaving me...
I'm not ok...
Not ok...
I talked to my dad a bit before my birthday, I told him everything I could think off... especially the fact I want to leave the country so much...
But I'm not going anywhere am I?
And I'm still stuck in the same job... and I can't get out, cause if I do... then I would just go mad...
Always the easy way out...
I feel so alone, so empty...
So mad...
I want someone to be with, but I have absolutely NOTHING to offer back...
Just my madness...
Who would want to take care of someone that has lost all hope, someone that simply doesn't believe in life, doesn't believe in himself...
Doesn't believe in anything...
I got an E-mail from someone that called herself Angel Curtis... some kind of Internet psychic medium...
And I'm almost mad enough to believe her words...
It'll cost me 60$ for a reading...
Why am I thinking of this even???
It's a hoax, I know it is a hoax...
But I have NOTHING to keep me going, nothing... maybe believing in pure rubbish could keep me sane for a little while longer...
I'd keep chanting to myself those stupid words that aren't true...
Till they fade... with me...
She claims I will have the chance to meet the love of my life in 56 days... and if I don't consult ANY help (hers or someone else's), then I will miss this opportunity...
And isn't missing any good chance I get and making mistakes is what my life is based on?
And losing 60$ is just another mistake...
I could just add this to the list...
I used another E-mail address and asked her for another reading based on someone I know birthday...
Charley's...
And even if the response will be identical, won't I still be stupid enough to do it?
Probably...
I learnt recently that both bands K's Choice and Garbage are performing at my country...
That doesn't happen to often... almost never...
I must find a way to get there...
But I really don't know how...
I have money, but I have to go to a different city and I don't know how I'll get back...
Tel Aviv...
Same place I'm taking my animation course...
Haven't been to class in 3 weeks...
I can't get up in the morning...
And my madness is building up...

"Feeling scared today
Write down "I am ok"
A hundred times the doctors say
I am ok
I am ok
I'm not ok"

Electro Shock Blues - Eels

I learnt more about myself... my madness...
As a boy I watched TV, all the time, it was my mentor, my tutor... it taught me everything...
It gave me this whole fucking naive twisted way of mind...
I am so fucked up...
I don't believe I can handle another relationship...
It's simple...
I don't believe in having more than one sex partner...
I had sex with Eva...
She had sex with me...
Only me... at first...
That was fine...
Then we broke up, and she found someone else and had sex with him...
And suddenly I realize this...
I lost...
I screwed up...
AGAIN...
AGAIN...
AGAIN...
I was never supposed to have sex with more than one woman...
Having sex with more than one person seems IMPOSSIBLE...
For me...
And Eva had sex with more than one person...
And now she can't be the one...
And I have to move on and find someone else...
But I cannot be the one either...
I cannot go to bed with her...
It's wrong...
My mind keeps telling me it's wrong...
It wasn't supposed to be this way...
Fuck...
I screwed up...
Why... WHY DIDN'T I SEE THIS 3 YEARS AGO WHEN I STILL HAD THE CHANCE TO CORRECT EVERYTHING...
Before I had sex...
Before I got myself buried over my head...
As much as I want to bury Eva in my mind and never think of her again...
I can't...
She was the first...
There was not supposed to be another...
It's not "one night stands" I am against...
I am against it all...
One partner for each person...
FUCK THAT DAMNED TELEVISION SET!!!
I have grown up believing in worlds that don't exist...
Lives that don't exist...
Stories that are untrue...
And now I see how wrong everything is, the world is nothing like the TV described it...
It's like 2 totally different planets...
And my mind got stuck in the unreal one...
I realize now, I will have to stay alone...
Till I die...
I will not be able to forgive myself...
I will not be able to forgive others...
There is no hope for me...
Eva called me on the day before my birthday, she wanted to meet...
I knew she would call, I was just expecting her to call after my birthday, not before...
She said she took a day off the army just for me...
I decided to check for myself...
So we met the night before my birthday...
And my head was wondering what the hell I was doing...
I gave her the "deal" details...
26 hours, she sleeps when I sleep, and is with me all the time...
No matter what I do...
I wanted her to give up her cell phone calls, that she wouldn't do, so we agreed that every call she has, unless it's "crucial" army calls, she'll have to end after 1 minute...
I don't need to feel like crap on my birthday because of her, I can do a pretty good job myself...
She agreed...
And so she spent those 24 hours of hell with me...
And still I was alone...
I was alone, and my mind was racing on its way towards madness...
I let her see what my life was like, and told her everything I had to tell about myself...
I even told her I keep an online log of events from time to time...
Since I don't have anyone to talk to, no one to listen, no one to make me feel like I am worth anything...
Since I live in my "make believe" world... I need you in my life...
My log will always listen to my shit... even if people won't visit, even if people won't care...
Till I die, I'll always be able to write in you...
The time was around 11:30 PM, we went out to a local restaurant...
If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have eaten anything for the whole time I think...
I want to lose weight again...
I want to be really skinny...
So skinny, I'd almost be invisible...
So we sat and ate...
And then we went to my place... around 2 a.m. we entered the house...
I wanted to make sure everyone was sleeping and no one would greet me with the infamous "Happy Birthday" shit...
There where balloons on my bed...
At first I figured Rona was here and I missed her, later I was told by my sister that the balloons are from her...
Rona wanted me to call her that day, but I didn't...
I wanted to be left alone...
We logged on, me and Eva... to my World Wide Life...
And I played music for her through the night...
A lot of songs that meant a lot to me...
We went to sleep around 6 or 7 am...
After she said she was feeling totally sick...
I kept the computer on, as I usually do...
I find it impossible to sleep without that calming whir noise it makes...
The quiet will drive me crazy...
Or am I already mad...
The night was a nightmare...
I couldn't sleep most of the time...
She fell asleep pretty fast...
My mind was racing...
I am sleeping so near a woman, and I couldn't be more alone...
I know...
I know that if I would have wanted, I could have convinced her to have sex with me... to fill me with untrue feelings of something that isn't there...
And the thought of that made me feel more empty...
More alone...
More mad...
Any other boy would try, right?
RIGHT?
But I'm not any other boy...
And so I lay there, wanting to cry... wanting to die... with her by my side... so alone...
We woke up around 4:30 PM...
I played some more music, then my sister came home...
She arrived around 5:30 PM...
I didn't expect her so early...
I knew I must leave the house...
FAST!
My sister complained about the fact that I didn't answer the phone at home...
I never do...
I didn't want to...
We left...
We went to a local CD shop...
I bought 6 CD's...
They had a CD there once from KE, but it was gone...
And so, I got another CD instead... Eels...
Not bad of a choice...
I guess in any other scenario I would have hated that album, but it was right in place...
We went to eat after that...
I was so not hungry, I just wanted to throw up all the time...
I didn't tell her that...
We walked from there to her house...
Talking... along the way...
I wanted to cry so much...
But the tears... they won't come out...
Will I lose my mind if I cry?
I asked her what the hell she wants from me, why was she there, there's no reason she can give me to explain what she is doing there...
I told her she hasn't have to keep her part of the deal, she can go home, she doesn't have to stay...
It's my birthday, I was meant to be alone...
I apologized for who I was...
For the way I behaved...
For the lack of respect...
For not knowing sooner what I know now...
How it haunts me...
Why did she call?
Why did she spend that day?
Was it because her latest boyfriend addition flew off to Canada never to return?
She loved him, or so she claims, she might have just grown attached to him...
He never loved her, he never hid that fact from her...
Why would someone totally devote themselves to someone else untrue?
Why would she lie to herself?
Will I be able to start again in a new place?
Or is it just my head lying to me again...
And she found other arms after him too...
She does that...
Does that make her weak?
Does it make her normal? Strong?
Am I the weak one? For not being able to find a replacement, to not being able to find a place I belong?
Am I weak for being alone and empty?
She drove me home...
And I stayed up all night...
With my music...
With my net life...
I don't fit in the net community either...
Not amongst the people at least...
Only amongst the cold HTML pages...
I slept half the day the day after, then my dad took me and my sister out for dinner...
I still didn't feel hungry...
I'm so sick...
Sick of everything...
On last Thursday she called me and asked me if I could pick her up from the bus station...
I did...
I guess I'm a sucker...
I drove to my place, got my Eels CD, then kept driving to her place...
I needed the music...
I felt mad...
I needed to chant the music...
I needed to go home...
But my mind was confused...
I shouldn't have went to her place...
My mind went mad...
I stayed...
She made me some eggs... and cut a few vegetables...
I confronted her a bit...
Tried to find some hints as to why she does things the way she does...
But it quickly got back to me...
As my mind entered another step into the madness...
My dark void...
I left for home around 1 am...
I stayed up all night again...
And today I didn't go for my studies...
It's 6 am now...
I'm still up...
I'm listening to music and typing...
I have to go to my dad's house today...
Tomorrow he flies off for a trip in the USA...
I should go to sleep...
But if I leave my machine...
The thoughts will return...
If it is quiet, I will start thinking...
I don't feel tired...
I will not fall asleep soon...
I will have time to think...
I mustn't think... I mustn't...
Keep hearing the music...
I'm lost...
I'm alone...
And forever I shall be...
I have nothing to give...
Nothing to offer...
I am nothing...
And I will stay nothing...
THAT is my destiny...
I'll probably pay for that psychic reading...
I am quite mad... so why not...
I'll probably have to cancel my Visa after that... since it'll probably get stolen or something...
I should know not to trust people...
I should have learnt already...
But I am so lost...
And my death doesn't seem to come...
And my life doesn't seem to end...
And I need something to believe in...
Even a fucking lie...
Even that...
END OF LOG