Saturday, November 4th, 1995
23:40 (11:40 PM)
Dear log,
I have neglected you for the past week, it wouldn't matter usually but a lot
happened last week.
A lot happened in the last 48 hours to be exact.
I'll start with today, two hours ago our prime minister Itzhak Rabin has been
assassinated, the first assassination in this country's history.
I guess it makes this day very special, the sort of day my children (if any)
will be tested on.
I was in Jerusalem on Sunday and Monday, from school, it was pretty nice,
Jerusalem is a very nice place after dark, I never noticed that.
Eva went to Eilat and only returned on Thursday.
I went to her house on Friday (yesterday) and we are now official, boyfriend
and girlfriend.
I bet you didn't expect that after all the last entries, it also comes to
show that the fortune teller was wrong. There is no MW!
Charley and Marva broke up last week, they were a great couple and they broke up
after almost 8 months of being together. The shocking part is I found out that
they slept together (and I don't mean sleeping), I don't know, I think it's
too soon for people to sleep together.
But I bet you're not interested in that, you're probably interested in Eva,
my girlfriend.
Well, we became official yesterday round 8 p.m. she's extremely sweet and
pretty (don't know what she's doing with me).
You're probably wondering if I love her, well, I think I do, I feel weird when
she kisses me and hugs me.
With Shawn I thought it was clear, I love her period, but now I don't think I
did love her, I didn't feel this way, but then again she never hugged me or
kissed me.
I'm pretty happy now, I believe I do love Eva, and I know she loves me, at
least for now.
There is one problem with my very new relationship with Eva, it's too
fast, I mean things are happening too quickly, I need to slow down, she already'
had 5 boyfriends, we already kiss each other (not French but close), and I
feel like everything is happening too fast and that I can't figure out what's
happening. I need to go slow one at a time, Eva is pretty rough, I guess
cause she knows what she wants.
All I know is it's too fast, I like it, but it's just too fast.
Maybe she'll call later, I don't know.
I think about Eva a lot now, but I still need to think about things,
tomorrow I have a day off, I'll think then.
END OF LOG
Tuesday, November 7th, 1995
2:34 a.m.
Dear log,
I'll try to keep it short since it's pretty late and I'm tired.
I didn't do much thinking lately, friends came over both Sunday and Monday,
but I did spend a lot of time with Eva, I'm not sure but I think she's
angry with me, can't blame her. She came home late and she asked me to call
her mom and make up an excuse, I didn't do it, plus my mom disconnected the
phone so she couldn't call me, I'll try to talk to her tomorrow.
I've realized that having a girlfriend is like getting addicted to drugs. You
just can't get enough of it and when you run out, you go mad and need it back.
She keeps on touching me and kissing me and when she's not here I really miss
the hugs and kisses.
I wish I knew what she saw in me, she's probably going to break up with me
soon, I know I would break up with me.
We've been friends for 5 days now, and it seems like we've been together for
more than that, it's probably because we have one hell of a progress, I mean
on the day we became friends we kissed, I was pretty bad at it then, but I'm
improving, or at least I think I'm improving, at first I didn't like the new
kiss type she taught me, I was pretty lousy at it, but now it's fun, I like
it, the best part is to kiss her when she passes chills through my body, it's
like being "high" hard to describe.
Today we French kissed for the first time, plus it was my very first French
kiss ever, I was pretty lousy at it, I may get better at it, but right now
I'll stick to the other type of kisses.
I wish I knew what the hell she was doing with me, I mean, she can do better
than me, how could she have fallen in love with me?
It's unbelievable, I keep feeling it's a dream, that it's not true, weird.
School is killing me, I can't find my heads or tails there, things have been
going too fast and I can't get adjusted, I wish I could die, then everyone
would be happy and well off.
Eva could find a better boyfriend, I won't have school no more, no
problems. I wish I had time to breath, to catch up, to think, but I doubt I
will, I probably won't have time until my pension.
Maybe I'll have time in Hanukkah, though I doubt it.
I think it would have been a good idea to have postponed the time when me and
Eva became friends, perhaps that would have given me just a little bit
more time and caused her less problems.
She keeps complaining that her stomach hurts, she has problems there, I worry
about it but she doesn't, I'm afraid that now that she knows me something will
happen, I'm bad luck, I've been trying to tell her, but she wouldn't listen.
I should be shot.
Well I have a long day tomorrow, I need to sleep, I feel sad, ugly, hated, I
wish Eva were here now to cheer me up, but she isn't, she may never be.
I hate myself.
Sometimes I wish I could cry, but I can't, I just can't, the tears refuse to
come out, I'm not alive yet, and I doubt I ever will be.
I wish I could stop hurting people, but I guess it's just something inside me,
something I can't stop and can' control, I wish someone would kill me.
I don't deserve to live, I don't want to live.
END OF LOG.
Wednesday, November 15th, 1995
2:16 a.m.
Dear log,
had a talk with Eva a few minutes ago, we're still together.
It seems Charley broke up with Marva for a reason, get this, Charley broke up with
Marva in order to be Ana's boyfriend.
None of that would have mattered if Ana hadn't been my ex-girlfriend.
The fact I don't understand is:
Marva is a lot better than Ana, she's prettier, smarter, more fun to be with,
and so on.
Ana on the other hand isn't something, and it's not just me.
I know I don't like her cause she made me feel I'm a lowlife (which I am) but
all my friends have the same opinion about it.
They became official last Friday, the 10th of November.
Charley didn't even wait, and that pisses me off.
I mean, Marva still loves the guy and he knows it! Why the hell didn't he wait
until Marva got over him a little before becoming Ana's boyfriend?
Charley said I don't know the entire story. What story?! You wanted each other so
much you couldn't wait for another 2 weeks?!
Another annoying part is the fact that Ana was Marva's friend in a way and
she back stabbed her!
I mean, Ana knew that Marva loves Charley and she didn't care, she wanted him
for herself! Marva isn't angry at Ana at all, she still wants to be Ana's
friend so she can be close to Charley, Marva thinks that Charley will find out that
he doesn't love Ana and will return to her.
Why is Marva doing this to herself? She told me that she's happy for him, but
inside she must be dying, and I can't help, I'm just watching, I wish I could
help.
I talked to Eva on Sunday and we started talking, we started talking
serious, I started sharing her with my death feelings, it scared her so much
she started crying.
I never meant for her to cry. It made me feel worse. I told her she's wasting
her tears but she didn't listen.
What made her cry?
I told her about my death philosophies, of how the world will be a better
place when I'm not around, about how much I hate myself.
I think I started hating myself even more after she became my girlfriend,
when I hug her, for example, and I see my hands touching her, I get disgusted
by them, I can't stand the feeling that those hands are mine, they look so
ugly on her.
I hate to even look at myself in the mirror.
She came yesterday and tried to cheer me up, sometimes I don't believe her
that she loves me.
How can she love me? Look at me, a freak of nature.
She was at a place with her group of scouts last Friday and Saturday, I came
there on Friday and spent the night there.
She took me to this roof at night and we looked at the stars and hugged and
kissed and stuff.
We tried to sleep around 5 a.m. but our room mates didn't help us at that.
Our relationship is on full speed right now, currently when she hugs me and
kisses me she wants me to take of my shirt, I think I look ugly but I do it
anyway. I think we're going to slow down now cause now the progress sort of
depends on me, and you know that I'm pretty shy and passive.
She says that I can take of her shirt too if I wanted to, but I don't do that,
it's something I don't feel right doing, even though I can.
I do put my hands under her shirt but I usually touch her in the back, and I
never reach her breasts.
Yesterday when she was here, her shirt went up a little, I pulled it down
again, and she told me that was something that most men wouldn't have done.
I don't know, even though when I'm with her, every instinct tells me to take
off her shirt, I won't feel right after doing it, I mean, so now that it's
off, what do I do? What do I look at? What do I touch?
I'll just sort of panic.
So I guess it's going to have to wait, so things will remain the way they are
for a while.
Well it's almost 3 a.m. I'd better take a bath and catch some shut eye,
hopefully I'll write some more in you in the future.
END OF LOG.
Sunday, November 19th, 1995
16:55 (4:55 PM)
Dear log,
what am I doing?
Later.
END OF LOG.
Tuesday, November 21st, 1995
2:16 a.m.
Dear log,
I'll try to keep it short as it's late and I gotta get some sleep.
You're probably wondering what the hell happened on Sunday, right?
Well let me tell you, Eva is changing me, I don't know how she does it but
I can feel myself changing, I'm losing my innocence as my friends will call
it. A part of me wants that, that when a joke is told I won't be the one who
doesn't get it, but another part of me is afraid of that kind of change, it
thinks I'll become like all the other boys, a big ego sex hunting man.
On Sunday while I was writing my very short log entry, Eva was in the
bathroom and she was shaving the hair off from under her armpits, she did it
cause she thought I was going to take off her shirt, I did take it off after
a short while, and I saw her with her black bra, she looked great in it, plus
it's the first time I saw a girl with a bra up close, which is very exciting
as it is, so now I touch her a bit more, I still don't dare touch her breasts
even though I think she won't mind.
Today she came over again, this time she was wearing a tight shirt which snaps
(kind off hard to describe what she wore, it's tight but it's not a regular
shirt, it's a body shirt.)
Anyway, she took it off by herself today (she asked me if I want to wear it
to see how tight it is, I said sure, so she took it off).
She would agree to take the bra off but she has a crazy feeling that she'd
look bad without it cause she's pretty flat.
She said most other boys would have already tried to get the bra off, me I
still don't dare. But I'm getting close to those boys.
I know I don't have the guts to take off her bra just like that, she's going
to have to tell me it's O.K., but I sort of let her know that I want to do it,
cause I kept telling her how I think she'll look great even without the bra.
I think I'm going down, when I'm not with her, I can't believe I did that, but
when I'm with her I act like a sex crazed maniac. All I want to do is take her
clothes off, that isn't me!
What's happening to me?!
I never thought I'll do that, you know, actually take off clothes from a girl.
I fear that sooner or later I'll even go for sex, and I don't want that, I
always took pride of the fact that I knew that physical contact is not what a
good relationship is based on and that's why I could be Shawn's boyfriend from
far away, but look at me now, I can't get my hands off Eva. I don't want
to think about when I'm going to have sex with Eva, I don't want to become
that sort of guy, I never even thought of having sex before marriage till now.
Maybe it's because our relationship is going a bit fast and when it'll slow
down everything will come back to normal, I don't want to change, I'll fight
it. Easy to say, hard to do when she's around here, I like change to someone
else, and frankly that other someone thinks things that I'm ashamed off. I
lose my head when I'm with her, I gotta get a grip or something bad will
happen. Can I stop myself from changing, or is it just something I have to go
through?
Shawn called yesterday (Sunday), I haven't talked to her for a month, and
suddenly she calls, I'd like to know why, we never really talk in those phone
calls, didn't she find a boyfriend yet?
This was the first time I talked to her without feeling anything, and better
yet without getting depressed after the call.
We kept talking about nothing (and we did it for like 2 hours I think), why
did she even bother to call? I didn't tell her that I have a girlfriend now,
it really didn't matter, she told me about how her friend is trying to fix her
up with someone, and I couldn't care less, I think I kind of shocked her when
I asked if he wasn't a nice guy, she told me she learnt her lesson from her
last boyfriend, gee, what now Shawn? Wanna become a nun?
You had one crummy boyfriend and that's it? No more? I think she didn't grow
up yet, she's still a child trapped inside a teen's body, she should find a
boyfriend, maybe that will clear her senses a bit. She really needs to grow
up.
I felt good yesterday, like I didn't feel for a long time, I felt free, so
free, Shawn doesn't have a grasp at me, not anymore.
Eva is afraid that I might fall in love with her again if I remained in
contact with her, frankly I'm afraid of it too, I wouldn't want that at all.
I haven't made up my mind yet if I should call her or not. For now, I'll wait.
I would like to tell her that I have a girlfriend, but I want to really shock
her when I tell her, another change, I'm turning mean.
My sister broke up with her boyfriend, after 4 years of being together with
him, what a waste of time.
Currently I don't know what will happen next time Eva comes to my house,
I'm afraid that next time she'll be here, I'll take off the bra, right now I
find that impossible but when I'm with her, I change and I might do it,
hopefully she'll stop me cause I find it hard to control myself lately, I hope
she stops me, then I'll know my place and hopefully everything will be normal
again.
Well I'd better get some sleep.
END OF LOG.
Tuesday, November 28th, 1995
3:14 a.m.
Dear log,
here I am again, this time I have a math test I'm not learning to.
I'll go to sleep and wake up around 4:30 a.m. and learn some then.
Look at the last few lines of the last entry, now let me tell you something.
Last Friday I was feeling depressed after a terrible Thursday. My CD-ROM went
crazy again and I had a terrible Bible test, and Eva was supposed to come
and I waited like an ass in the rain, and I skipped math and the teacher got
pissed, in other words, a lousy day.
Eva came on Friday, listened to my dumb problems, and cheered me up.
She thought I was going to dump her cause when I'm depressed I don't sound
like I mean things. Anyway, after a while, I took off her bra...
The room was pretty dark cause she didn't want me to see her breasts (even
though I did see them for a short while 3 times), I now touch her breasts and
stuff. And I thought we'll slow down a bit, smart me.
Well, at least now, there is no more to go, that's it, end of line, we are
going to stay like this for a while, I know it and hopefully she knows it.
She is supposed to come over to my house today, I hope she will, I miss her.
Sometimes I feel so alone and I want her to be with me, but she isn't.
Our one month anniversary is coming up, I should think of something romantic
to do.
Well it's late, I have a test which I'll probably flunk in and I'm tired, I'll
probably write some more next month and not this month.
END OF LOG.