Sunday, October 1^st, 1995
00:33 a.m.

Dear log,
another day without doing my SAT homework, I am so stupid.
Nilo had a "date" with Snow yesterday, it was supposed to be a real date,
but then she invited 2 friends of hers, so it wasn't really a date.
Well, from what I know Snow is giving Nilo a chance, to see if she likes him,
I guess it's something, I know I didn't get that chance, or did I? Did I
have a chance and blow it? I might have...
Never mind, Snow knows Nilo likes her, so she is going to see if she likes
him, that's good. I guess it also means he's getting over Thema, which is also
good. I guess I'm proud of him, cause he can move on, and I can't, I'm stuck
and I'm afraid I might always be.
Rona will soon have a visit from her, she said that we
will do a seance, I must be there, if something goes wrong and a sacrifice is
needed, well, let's just say, I gotta be there. All those spooky stories of
mad ghosts who want to kill, I might get a chance to die, I'm not afraid.
I didn't do anything last night, that's good, just stayed home and went to
sleep early.
Shawn wants to see me this Succoth, Rona told me to tell her I'm going to
Ashkelon, I think that's a good idea, I did plan it for quite a while, I'll
talk to him this Thursday and see when he's available. I can't see her, it'll
destroy me, I can't stand this. Why the hell does she keep calling me, and
asking to meet.
You see, every conversation, I never ask to meet, she always does that, why?
Does she really want to meet me? I don't think so. So why does she keep asking
to meet me all the time, why can't she just tell me to go to hell, and
disconnect? I don't know.
I read the horoscope section about what do the Aries look for the first time
they meet a person, it said that they are looking for a muscular guy,
decisive, anyway, all the things I'm not. Too bad I didn't know that earlier.
I think I'll go now, it's a big month, with a holiday, and a big test, I might
write my story too.
END OF LOG



Sunday, October 8^th, 1995
21:24 (9:24 PM)

Dear log,
Shawn just called, I have no idea why.
We talked much about nothing. She damaged her ear. She didn't mention coming
over so I didn't, it's for the best.
Nilo and Snow are doing well, they talked and she said she doesn't know yet
so he has a chance.
Yom Kippur came and went, I didn't do much thinking after all.
END OF LOG



Wednesday, October 11^th, 1995
18:24 (6:24 PM)

Dear log,
I didn't finish my last entry, I just didn't have the will.
I bought my new contact lens and I'm trying them out from today, great, a new
image. Too bad Shawn won't get to see me with them, it doesn't matter. I'll
try calling the guy from Ashkelon today, I gotta meet him.
As I said I didn't do much thinking in Yom Kippur, I spent most of my time with
Lin, sharing each other's problems I guess, sometimes I wonder if we might
be getting too close to each other, but I'll never know, I guess she cares and
I care about her. I still didn't start to learn for the SAT exams, I guess
I should.
What's the point huh? I have no future anyway, do I?
I love Shawn so much, I wish I knew why, I wish I could stop.
I'd like to tell you the rest of the story, but I don't have the patience to
write or do anything productive, I just feel lousy.
Did I write about the party I was last Friday, no I didn't.
I was at a party Friday night, for Mena's friend. I didn't have a very
good time at the beginning but it got better towards the end. A friend of
Mena, Eva, returned from the hospital and came to the party, and towards
the end of the party, gave me some attention, that was nice, nothing romantic,
but it's nice to get some attention I guess, why did she give me attention?
I have no idea, like the rest of my life.
Well, I'll sign off, I don't want to write anymore now, maybe later.
END OF LOG



Sunday, October 15^th, 1995
23:20 (11:20 PM)

Dear log,
my SAT is coming and I didn't even start to learn, same old me.
Nilo had a Friday the 13th, party (on Friday the 13th) and I went, I had a
real good time. It's been a long time since I enjoyed myself like that.
A long time. The entire evening passed without a thought about Shawn (until
I walked Lin home and started thinking) I don't really know why I had such a
good time.
Maybe it's the fact that I got lots of attention, I knew almost all the people
invited but not all the other people knew the rest so they were with me.
I was with Eva most of the time there, except from me, she knew just 2
more guys, so I had most of her attention, sweet girl, but more about that
later on. Rona was upset at the party that I wasn't paying attention to her,
and I found out Lin didn't have a great time there. Nilo didn't enjoy his
party either, we offended him when he came to his room (we were watching
Garfield there) and we told him to go away (since he was talking and there are
no subtitles). At the end of the party (around 2 a.m.) most of the people
went to Horev Center. I walked home with Lin, so she won't have to go alone,
I know she cried that night, I don't know why, but she's had a lot on her mind
recently.
Eva made me promise to call her (she's a weird one), and I did call her
last night, we talked from around 12 at night till 5 a.m.
She's one of those night types, she's also another person who thinks she can
solve all my life problems, somehow I don't buy that. So I talked to her all
night and told her about my wonderful life philosophies, and about Shawn,
amazing what she can make you say and do.
She recently had a boyfriend, they broke up though, and the bastard doesn't
even call her anymore.
Typical, isn't it?
I guess I should study boys as well as girls since I don't have anything in
common with neither.
So now Eva wants me to go to this dance next Friday, and she wants me to
dance with her too, picture me dancing, I don't think so.
It's not like there's anything going between us (and trust me there isn't) she
wants to get my mind of Shawn, something I wasn't able to do for the past
year. We could have been a great couple you know, at least for that last year.
Anyway, about 200 people are expected at that dance (something called teenagers
for teenagers when translated to English)
So, picture this:
Me
200 people
Me
200 people
Me
200 people
You get the picture?
Let me spell it out for you:
I'LL FREAK!!!!
Me with 200 people at the same place is not good.
Eva thinks I'll do fine and have a great time. I believe that the second
I see all those teens I'll feel alone, and we are talking one major alone.
I'll automatically think of Shawn, and WHAM I'm depressed.
Eva has good thoughts, only she's trying them on the wrong guy, she should
help someone else, someone with hope, I gave up on myself, surely she'll give
up too.
I'll call her soon, even though I have a feeling I shouldn't, she's getting my
life story out here, I don't like that. Maybe I shouldn't call, I'm wasting
her time. But I guess I will.
I don't think anyone can make me forget I love Shawn, and so it ends.
END OF LOG



Monday, October 16^th, 1995
23:20 (11:20 PM)

Dear log,
I'm waiting for a call form Eva now, so I'll just wait till she calls and
in the meantime write in you.
We talked yesterday for 3 hours (till 3 a.m.).
She is one hell of a girl, I mean I don't know anybody who'll talk to me till
3 a.m. without wanting to shoot me, she is amazing.
She also has like a million friends, nothing that should amaze me.
She is a likable girl.
Me? I'm the same, no change yet. Eva says that she'll change my way of
thinking, I don't buy that. She told me I need a girlfriend, I told her:
"Yeah, sure, I'll just choose one of the many girls just waiting in line".
Perhaps I do need a girlfriend, but the girlfriend just doesn't want me.
Just like that Dr.Sbaitso shit that happened a month ago.
Since nothing important happened recently, I'll just write the Shawn story
again, I know you've been waiting for it, right.
Who am I writing this shit for anyway? I know the story, I won't forget it or
something, now will I?
Am I actually writing this log for someone else rather than me? Who else will
ever see these words? Probably no one...
I was after the part with my girlfriend, when I called Shawn again after I
broke up with my girlfriend.
I started calling her more and more, she told me to call her if I see DD on
TV, so I took her words literally, I started watching MTV all day long so that
the second DD were on I'll be able to call. I called her a lot.
I also started to make her a clip, a DD song.
I taped the song "Ordinary World" to my hard disk, and animated it with a
3D program. According to my friends who saw it, it's good, I think I could do
better. It took me 2 and a half months to complete it. The result, part good
and part bad. Actually mostly bad. Today my clip has been uploaded to about
3 BBS sites, and is being spread, I don't know how much, but I do know it's
out there, and people can see it.
I hope I'll be able to work on my second clip and make it unbelievable.
So the time passed and Shawn asked me to come over to her house about 2 weeks
before Purim (holiday). I was going to ask her to be my girlfriend.
I don't know why but I always felt good about my chances with her, too much TV
I guess. I always thought that she wouldn't mind being my girlfriend, I mean
when I told her that the DD lead singer has brown hair and not blonde (he
colored his hair blonde when DD released "The Wedding Album") she said that if
I was there (with her) she would hug me. She asked me to go with her to DD's
performance when they come here, and said that it's a date.
I guess I'm just stupid, very very very stupid. Just unbelievable how stupid
I am. Today I know I never had a chance, I was never a part of her life and
I never will be, It doesn't matter how much I love her. I can never sort of
mingle with her friends, I'm someone far away, who visits every now and then.
I'm a stranger, she doesn't know me, she's a stranger, I don't know her.
I don't tell her about my life and she doesn't tell me about hers.
Maybe Eva won't call, why should she? I mean, there is no reason for her
to call, she doesn't owe me a thing.
Why is she doing this, I'm hopeless, I am the worst case of life you'd ever
seen. I don't think I'll write anymore, my eyes hurt from looking at the
screen. I have a feeling my contacts won't do good on my eyes after all, darn
shame, I enjoyed to be someone else for a while, someone with no glasses.
END OF LOG



Wednesday, October 18th, 1995
23:51 (11:51 PM)

Dear log,
I'm on the phone with Eva right now, but this is a pretty "special" day.
Why? I'll tell you why. Today exactly six months ago, I did my fatal mistake.
I could have had a six months anniversary, but I guess I don't have that do I?
I guess it's for the best since she deserves better than me anyway.
She called me today, to wish me luck on my SAT exams, but we didn't talk much
she was waiting for a call from abroad. Probably her friend who's abroad.
(Just finished the conversation with Eva, her mom woke up.)
I wish she didn't call, not today. I bet she didn't even notice what today is,
why should she? I did though, I hate it.
My SAT exams is tomorrow, great, I hardly studied at all. I guess I'm pretty
stupid, if I'll live through army I'll do it again, I guess.
Eva came to my house today, she tried to help me study, I don't know if it
helped or not, I'll find out tomorrow.
I got my eyes checked today since they got red and stuff, I'm supposed to go
9 hours with them tomorrow, but I don't think I'll do it since I'm doing my
SAT with glasses and I'll come home pretty late.
My mom has a birthday tomorrow, hopefully I'll get her some flowers.
When Eva was here today, I don't know, for a brief moment there was that
feeling that we're about to kiss or something, odd, I'm sure she's not
attracted to me (would you be?), I'm sure she didn't think about it or feel
it either, just weird. She's strange.
She is the first person I know, who really wants to take care of me, I don't
know why. It's a total waste of time, she should help someone worth helping,
not me. I've lost my interest in life, I just want to die...
I'm going to be Eva's date at the dance on Friday, I have a feeling that
coming to dance is going to be a big mistake, not as big as what I did six
months ago, but big enough.
I won't dance there, I know I won't. I invited Rona to come and I know Lin
might be coming. Both think that Eva is trying to hit on me, I know
she isn't, it's pretty clear, it seems she still has something going for her
ex-boyfriend, they were together for a year.
He called her today, after a long break, now she's all tense, she's wondering
if he broke up with his current girlfriend, and if he did, will she take him
back or not.
I wish Shawn had a boyfriend, at least then I would now that I don't stand a
chance. She said we'll talk tomorrow, hopefully we won't.
I hope Shawn will find a boyfriend before her current birthday, I believe that
on her birthday, since it turns out to be on a holiday, she will have a party,
and I don't want to be invited, she doesn't need anyone to see what a loser
friend she has, I'll save her the humiliation.
Maybe it'll be an all girl night or something (hopefully).
Well, I should go now, Eva might call again, though I doubt that, and I
should learn, should. I wish I could just stop thinking about Shawn.
END OF LOG



Tuesday, October 24^th, 1995
1:36 a.m.

Dear log,
well, I'm after my SAT exam, it sucked, I guess I'll have to do another one
after the army. Remember I told you about the dance, well I went, it sucked,
and I mean really sucked. That dance was weird, I just felt so alone.
At one time, the DJ started the song "Ordinary World", and I thought I'm going
crazy, but he stopped playing it after a few seconds.
You were supposed to go to the dance in pairs, Eva wanted to be mine (I
still didn't know why, I hardly spent any time at all with her at that dance).
I went to the dance with my contacts, a girl said I have weird looking eyes,
my contacts are light blue in color cause all contacts are like that now (also
makes it easier to find them when they fall on the floor) so my eyes are now
a disgusting turquoise color, never mind.
I did try to have a good time at that dance on some occasions. I talked to
some girls, felt they hated me, stopped talking to girls. I danced a bit, this
is a weird part, I felt depressed so I started walking, then I got in the
building (where people were dancing) and a girl whom I met
earlier asked me if I was dancing, being the ass that I am, I looked at my
feet and said that I'm not, so she asked me to dance with her and her friends.
It wasn't a close dance, the music was loud and you had to free your body and
stuff, just go crazy, anyway, five seconds later I got no attention from her,
and gradually she and her friends disappeared, and I quit dancing, since I
felt stupid. In other words I had a lousy time (like most people).
Lin met a guy there, she has problems with him since he's smaller than her
in age, I wonder if he called her since that dance?
Lucy and Mick got to know each other better, a lot better (Mick is a friend
of Mena, she has a crush on him and is very much depressed by the fact that
he isn't in love with her. I met him at Mena's friend party.)
So anyway, they got real close, maybe something will come out of it?
Eva spent a lot of time with a guy there, they were hugging most of
the time, but according to what I understood she has the hots on a friend of
his. She doesn't want him to fall in love with her since she
doesn't want to hurt his feelings.
After the dance was over (cops came cause the neighbors started to complain),
we went to Carmel Center, Gus (Rona's friend) went home, he was depressed, I
think, he saw his ex-girlfriend there, and according to what I understood, he
really cared for her. He wasn't in a good mood, but he did get some girl's
attention, he's very talented in getting attention.
So the only ones who were at Carmel Center was me, Lin, Rona, Mena,
Eva, Mick, Lucy and the guy whom Eva spent time with.
Lucy and Mick went aside and hugged each other constantly, Eva and her seance mate
were in the sort of the same condition, away from me Lin, Rona and Mena.
I talked a bit to Rona, and then we went home. I got home around 4 a.m.
I have a math test tomorrow (more likely today), I have a literature test on
Friday, I'm also supposed to give him a paper assignment which I didn't even
start doing. I also have a History quiz and an English quiz on Wednesday, boy
will I be glad when this week is over.
I've been talking a lot to Eva lately, she's trying to cheer me up, and
it's not working for her, why is she wasting her time with me?
She says I've got to get over Shawn, I can't, I just can't.
She said I need a girlfriend and I should try to find someone else, I don't
see the point, it'll be just like Shawn all over again, she said that she can
promise that next time I'll succeed, she can't promise that, it's beyond her
powers.
I wish I were someone else.
Eva said she could fall in love with me, and that if I get over Shawn, I
actually have a chance with her.
I don't believe that, I can't believe that, she's not fit for me either, she's
one of those pretty girls, out of reach, you can only look, she can't fall in
love with me, I'm a lowlife.
It's 2 a.m. now, I should learn for my math exam, but I'm a dork, nothing new.
I wonder how Shawn is doing, I wonder if she has a boyfriend yet, it can't be
hard for her to find one, it should be pretty simple.
Would she tell me if she had a boyfriend?
Eva says I shouldn't call her, and that I should disconnect, I don't know
if I'm able to do that.
Will I ever get over her? Ever? Probably not.
Sometimes I wonder who MW is, I know she won't be my girlfriend, but does she
exist? Is she really out there?
I bet she isn't.
END OF LOG



Sunday, October 29^th, 1995
0:12 a.m.

Dear log,
October 28th, I'm going to have to remember that date, I suppose.
Why did I ever create you?
I'm actually expecting an answer, I mean, I'm supposed to write my life story
here right? I'm supposed to tell you my feelings and be honest with you at all
times, right? No one is ever going to see you but me so I can tell you the
truth, right? Right or wrong? All these months, did I lie to you, did I tell
you the truth, I don't know anymore, I don't know if I should keep you or
erase you, are you a recording of my thoughts and feelings? Or maybe not?
What are my feelings?
Mark the date.
It's pretty important.
I guess there is only one way to describe the past few days, weird, definitely
weird. I met some people Friday night, they were: Eva, Mena, Nilo, Thema,
Mena's friend and another girl there.
I spent most of the time hanging around Eva, I guess she just makes me
feel good. Mena was depressed and hated the fact that I was only with
Eva. I came home that night with a weird feeling, it's a feeling I still
have, something changed.
After one year from that six months of depression and pain, me, yours truly,
had problems of thinking of Shawn, I couldn't feel anything for her, I still
can't, it's weird, I think of her, but I don't feel nothing.
Am I no longer in love with her?
There's only one way to find out you know, and right now, I'm afraid to use
it.
And then came October 28th, Lucy's birthday, we met her at the statue garden,
I went there with Shawn, on April 18th. Later on Eva came and once again,
we were most of the time together again. I wouldn't mention it if it wasn't
important but when Gus sort of hugged Eva, I felt weird, I guess you could
even say jealous, I wanted to hug her.
I went to Eva after the sort of party was over, Gaia was at the party,
I bet she hates me, and I can't blame her.
We talked for a while, according to what I (with my very limited intelligence)
understood, she fell in love with me. Now why do I find that hard to believe?
She said that when I hug her I give her the chills.
ME! That's impossible, but she was shaking when we talked, I was shaking a bit too.
What is happening to me? What am I getting myself into this time? I thought
I learnt my lesson...
Eva said she loves me, why?
How can she love me, when I don't love myself, I hate the image I see in the
mirror, this is wrong.
I don't get it!
Tons of boys, and I'm saying tons of boys, a whole lot better than me have
tried to pick her up, what makes me so special?
How can a pretty girl surrounded by boys fall in love with a boy like me?
And why do I get the feeling that I'm falling in love with her?
I'm going to disconnect with Shawn now, and I feel like I can do it, like I
don't need to talk to her anymore, right now it feels like a good idea, but
everything I do ends bad.
So right now I'm confused, very confused.
I'm going to have to test myself, I'm going to have to hear a DD song and see
how I feel when I hear it.
I hope I know what I'm doing, if I hurt her, I'll kill myself.
END OF LOG