Tuesday, September 5^th, 1995
2:14 a.m.

Dear log,
well school returned and it's crap as usual. I find it difficult to
concentrate on anything but my computer. I didn't talk to Shawn since the day
after I was at her house, she didn't even call to find out how to operate the
programs I gave her. I should call her I guess but I'm scared, she isn't
going to have good news for me, you can bet on that.
I went to someone's house, a not so close friend of mine who lent me some CD's
for my computer, in one of the CD's there was a list of music disks,
which are many music modules. One of those music disks was called Agony,
a symphony in 10 parts. First time I saw it I didn't pay much attention to it,
it's the second time that grabbed me. I don't know the exact story of the guy
who did it, but it's sad and it has a bad ending, kind of like mine, I think
he is also in love with a girl who doesn't return his love, problem is I have
a feeling this girl might be dead. I don't know if I'll try contacting him,
the music disk was created 2 years ago, I gave it to Nilo, maybe he'll like
it too.
Thema is giving Nilo a hard time, I don't know why, I don't know if Nilo loves
her as much as I love Shawn cause he isn't just thinking of her happiness he's
also thinking a lot about his own, even though he's pretty low and depressed, he
didn't get as low as me, he has some self esteem even though he doesn't know
it, he cares about others, more than himself, I do also, but when I'll see a
chance to end my life, friends or no friends I'm not going to miss it, be it
a robbery at a bank or a fucking terrorist, I'm going to act dumb and end my
life, hopefully I'll save someone else's in the progress and then my life
wouldn't have been an entire waste.
Nilo invited Thema and me to a movie last Friday, I was depressed (as usual) so
I decided I'll stay home, when Thema heard that, she said that she's not going
either, I don't get her, what does she fancy me or something, I don't think
so, plus being with her will break Nilo's heart, I don't love Thema therefore
there is no reason for me to be with her.
Shawn on the other hand I do love, I'll always love, she'll never love me back
though, what am I supposed to do?
I asked Rona to talk to Gaia, remember the girl who liked me and I didn't
call back, Rona said Gaia understood and that she ain't mad (Rona told
her I'm in love with someone else and I can't be with anyone even though there
is no chance for me to be with the one I love). I don't believe Gaia isn't
mad and perhaps even slightly disappointed in me. I don't believe she actually
fell in love with me or something, that's impossible, but maybe she was
looking for a friend and I wasn't there, I'm such a jerk.
I'm also trying to rebuild my connection with Bala, though it's not working
very well, I don't know why I'm doing it, perhaps I'm trying to find someone
who can help, even though he doesn't exist.
Ken came over to my house today, he's leaving tomorrow, I'll see him one
more time in December and that's it, I'm gonna lose a friend, but that's life.
Crap!
I guess it doesn't matter, I'm also going to lose Shawn, very soon, I can feel
it. I love her so much, and I hate it.
I'm trying to think of other girls but it only ends in getting back to Shawn.
I'm thinking, there's a cute girl and she looks at me in a funny way
(I wonder if that's a usual look, or perhaps it's more than that) but anyway
one second I'm thinking of her the next I see something that gets me back to
Shawn.
Another reason I liked Agony was because it had some quotations from Lou Reed,
DD have made a new version of his song "Perfect day", which was supposed to be
me and Shawn's song but that didn't work out. Anyway I never heard Lou Reed
sing it, only DD, and there's a line there that I always thought that said:
"...I thought I was someone else, someone new..."
I found out from Agony that the words are really:
"...I thought I was someone else, someone good..."
which makes it even sadder for me. There's a story behind that song, and I
still owe it to you don't I? I started telling it but stopped. It still is
pretty long. Maybe I'll write it this Saturday, if I have time. I should work
on my SAT, I stopped doing my homework in it, I just can't concentrate
I think I'm going crazy, I think I'm losing my mind, will someone please end
this!!!
I'd better get some sleep, it's 2:48 now, I didn't do my homework, I'll get up
extra early (hopefully) and do it.
I wish my life wasn't so fucked up, hopefully I'll move to the states and open
a new page there, running away from everything from my past, never having to
deal with it again, the only thing left will be the painful memories who will
follow me for the rest of my life.
END OF LOG



Wednesday, September 6^th, 1995
1:40 a.m.

Dear log,
here I am again, nothing new really, I just prefer to write in you than doing
my homework. I'm going to Rona tomorrow, and I'll get a haircut, I gotta
put fliers in mailboxes too, but I guess I'll do it Thursday, cause I finish
school pretty early that day. I have a new program now, a program that teaches
you how to type, it's old but pretty good, I'll try it out and who knows,
maybe I'll know blind typing, and I'll type my logs faster, it'll be a lot
better. I feel I'm going crazy, what am I supposed to do?
I want to die. I want Shawn to love me, she'll never love me.
Gus has a birthday party this week, so Rona wants me to be there, I don't
want to go, I know I'll be depressed there. I told Nilo I'll go to a movie
with him, I hope he figured out how to run Agony (he had problems with it).
I still didn't talk to Shawn, I bet she doesn't want to talk to me, I guess
I'll call her this Saturday. This Saturday might just be the last time I'll
ever talk to her, I bet she already has a boyfriend, I hope she'll be honest
enough to tell me, I'm going to have to know about it sooner or later and I
guess the best for her will be sooner, then I'll stop bugging her.
She thinks I'm a computer freak, with only computers on my mind, maybe I
wanted to give her that impression, my computer is the only thing now that
keeps me from going insane, if I didn't have one I would have been dead today.
It keeps me alive, a machine, most people won't understand what the computer
is for me, Shawn is one of them. So this Saturday will be the last time I'll
ever speak to her, probably, I won't call her again, she'll have to
call me, and I'm sure she won't do that, and then our ways shall split and
we'll never again cross each other's path, she'll have a normal life and I'll
forever be lonely, and in love with her, just me and my cat and hopefully my
computer. I don't want to go to Gus's party, I don't want to be around people,
I feel bad, unwanted, why is Rona making me do this, why can't she understand
that I don't want my life anymore, and I don't want to meet more people.
Kill me, please. How the hell am I supposed to make it till the army? I'll
go insane.
Ken is going home soon, I'll see him one more time and then he'll leave my
life forever, I guess it's that time of life when some people you care about
and love just go, cause surprise, surprise, they don't like you that much.
Shawn, I'll forever love you, I don't think a day in my life will pass without
me thinking of you. I really do love you. I hope you'll forgive me one day.
END OF LOG



Saturday, September 9^th, 1995
15:27 (3:27 PM)

Dear log,
I went to a movie last night, "Die Hard 3" pretty cool, I went with Thema and
Nilo, we didn't get to do much cause right after the end of the movie Nilo's
mom took us home.
Gaia called me on Thursday, right after school (I was in the shower when
the phone rang) told me she was fine and that it's very sweet that I asked
Rona to check on her, I don't know about sweet I feel like an ass, I'll call
her later today to talk for a while, I don't want to act like perfect
strangers if I meet her.
I didn't talk to Shawn yet, I guess I'll call her today too, it's time I heard
the news she has, bad news for me, good news for her. I'd better think about
what I'll say cause this can be the last time I'll ever speak to her.
I had a dream about it tonight, she told me she has a new boyfriend
I said that's nice, then I was at this weird park waiting to be opened,
and when it did she was inside, I was in a room, she was in the swimming pool
outside, I hid in the room but then she came inside, we talked, I asked her
how's things she said she was sorry, I asked her "why are you sorry, you do
like your boyfriend don't you?", she said not really, said something about me
being a chauvinist, I said I'm not, I have lots of girl friends, and that I'm
actually more of a feminist, I say if women want to do something they can do
it. Then things started getting weird, she was gone, and these weird things
started growing from the ground, I woke up at that part. I don't know what it
means, if it means something.
I love her so much...
END OF LOG



Sunday, September 10^th, 1995
1:22 a.m.

Dear log,
I don't know hat to do, I'm going crazy.
Once again I didn't do my SAT homework, it'll only hurt me at the end, but
I'm stupid. I talked to Gaia today, we spent an hour on the phone, she is
weird, no doubt about that, I'm sorry about what I did to her, I'll try to do
something, before it'll be too late.
"In reality, as in dreams, nothing is quite, what it seems." A quote from the
Agony program I was telling you about, Nilo will try to E-mail the guy on the
Internet, I think he'll have no luck. The quote was from the book of counted
sorrows, I wonder where one might find such a book?
I called Shawn after Gaia, we talked for about an hour and a half, I tried
not to bore her. She wants to see me again, god knows why, but the feeling of
us never meeting is strong, very strong, she's not telling me something.
I asked her about the party, but she left out the boys, why? I know that that
guy was there, he had to be there, why else would she go if he wasn't there?
What happened there? Why can't she just leave me alone? Why can't I just
leave her alone? I wish the army would come sooner, I need to get out of here,
I need to die.
I saw a movie called "Flatline" today, about death, cool.
I want to die, I want to die so badly I started thinking of how it would be
like. I don't know what I'll do if I'll be alive after 3 years of army
service, without Shawn, I'll kill myself.
I can't take the pain, I just can't take the pain. Yom Kippur is coming, and I
am waiting for it. It's a day where everything is prohibited, eating,
drinking, doing anything (aside reading the bible and praying).
On that day I'll have to be one with myself, no computers, no TV, nothing.
I'll have to confront myself, there is no choice, no other way of spending
time. I'll have to just sit and think about myself and about my life and find
answers, no friends, no help, just me.
Why doesn't death take volunteers? Why can't I go instead of a five year old
child? Or a baby killed in an accident? WHY? WHY?
Why do people who want to live, die? Why do people who want to die, live?
I wonder what will happen to this log after I die, will it just stay here,
waiting forever for someone to search for it, no one will find it, it's hidden
to well, it'll probably just sit here in the computer in some basement until
a kid will mess with it and find the hidden files, read them, and then know
all about my pathetic excuse of a life. He'll probably show it to his friends,
and they'll all have a good laugh at it, but I won't care, I'm dead, remember?
I'll go now, I guess I won't be doing my homework, again, I am so stupid.
END OF LOG



Monday, September 11^th, 1995
00:22 a.m.

Dear log,
nothing to tell really, tried to get some sleep today, but the damned phone
kept ringing all the time.
So this is what it feels to not be loved by the person you love, frankly, it
sucks. I wish I could stop thinking of her, I wish I could fall in love with
someone else, but I can't. It doesn't matter though, if I were to fall in love
with someone else, she won't fall in love with me.
I guess I was destined to fall in love with someone who won't fall in love
with me.
I still don't know why Shawn wants to see me again (I wouldn't like to see me
again). When I left her house, I felt it, I know she felt it too. We both
knew that this is supposed to be the last time we meet, why the hell does she
want to change that all of a sudden. She wants to meet me soon, before
something happens (probably boyfriend), I don't know why. I'd rather not meet,
cause after every time we meet, I'm crushed. If she wants to meet me, she's
gonna have to come here this time, I'll need my friends with me on this,
and I'll need all the support I can get, on-line!
I don't know what I'm afraid of, most chances are that we won't meet at all,
ever. In Succoth (holiday), I'll have to study for my SAT exam, so that's out of the
question, after that the next holiday is Hanukah, I believe that by then it'll
be too late, she'll have a boyfriend and I'll be way out of the picture, for
good.
Look at me, I'm treating this boyfriend thing like Shawn is getting married or
something, but in a way, she is. Look at my sister, same boyfriend for over
5 years. So I guess I have good reasons to believe that if Shawn finds a
boyfriend, chances are it'll be for life.
I know I'd marry her if I could. It's kind of hard to imagine my life without
her.
I only wish I knew why I was in love with her, for what reasons, why can't I
stop thinking of her? What is it about her?
I want to take a quote from Agony, so I will. Hold on.
It's what the creator wrote, I wonder what really happened to him and that
girl Anne, he dedicated the symphony to, I can't help but think that she
died, I'll tell Nilo to E-mail him tomorrow.
I'll write what he said word for word, I'll just change the names, some people
have creative writing, I have creative images and pictures. The creative
writers write, my pictures and images stay inside my head, trapped, trying to
break free, but there is no way out, yet.
Anyway, here's the line from Agony (with slight change).

Shawn, I can't really help wishing we had never met each other. Not a fair
wish - to be sure - but what's fair? Not much at all.

I'll miss her for the rest of my life.
I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'll make sure Shawn is happy for the
rest of her life, I won't let my true love ever be sad if I can do something
about it. I wish I had more time now, perhaps I would tell you more about the
time I spent with Shawn, but I don't have time right now.
I'll do my best to find some time though, before it's too late.
Saturday, when I called her, she said:"Long time no hear"
I wonder if she meant that it's good to hear from me, or perhaps it meant, why
did you bother calling now.
I'd better get some sleep.
Please God, don't let me wake up in the morning...
I love you, Shawn, please forgive me...
END OF LOG



Wednesday, September 13^th, 1995
1:48 a.m.

Dear log,
our phone died today, again. I was talking on it and the line went, so now we
have no connection with the outside world. Maybe it's not so bad.
We had a discussion in English class today about the difference between boys
and girls, in an astonishing coincidence my mom went to a lecture about the
subject later on at night, and they said almost the same thing.
One thing they talked about was how relationships are different for men than
women. How men keep thinking about sex. How we never express emotions, or cry
cause it ain't macho.
That's a load of crap!
Or perhaps I am not a man? Who knows?
I am looking for love, I have found my love, and I would do anything to have
a relationship based on that love. Something I've learnt in life is that love
and sex have nothing in common, they are both separate.
I have no desire to have sex right now, even if it is with Shawn.
I'd rather just hug, be held, be loved, feel like a human being, feel like
someone out there cares and I care about someone.
But I guess I'm just dreaming. I'm always dreaming.
If I could I'd marry her in a second, but that won't happen.
Why don't I show emotions? Or at least why do I try not to show emotions?
Well when I'm with Rona pouring my heart out, there's tons of emotions, I
don't think my emotions is public information, I'd rather few people know
about me.
And last but not least, why don't I cry? Simple, I'm dead.
Crying means I care about myself, I don't, thus I don't cry for myself
anymore. I don't feel alive anymore, I feel I'm a dead guy with a pulse.
I believe only the living can cry, and since I don't see myself as part of the
living, I don't cry. I want to though, every time I meet Shawn, talk to her
on the phone, I want to cry, but I just can't, as long as I'm not alive I
just can't cry. I don't believe I'll ever cry again, I don't believe in people
returning from the dead, not after being dead for such a long time.
So I walk the earth, lifeless, with an eternal sadness inside, the dead can be
sad, they just can't do a damn thing about it.
The last time I cried was when I asked Shawn to be my girlfriend and she said
no. It was a Tuesday, April 18th, 1995, around 19:00 (7 PM), I'll remember that day
for as long as I live. Exactly one month later May 18th, Nilo made the same
mistake with Thema.
She cried in front of me, I hated myself for that, I still do. I can never
forgive myself for making her cry over something as unimportant as me.
She asked me not to cry, but I had too, for the last time. It took all I had
to keep the tears inside until she goes, she didn't want to see me cry, so I
didn't let her see me cry, but she knows I did. As soon as she left, I dashed
to my room so my mom won't see me, she wouldn't understand, she can't
understand, as soon as I was in my room the tears came out, I hadn't cried
like that since I don't know when. I have to fight the same feeling every
time a visit at Shawn ends, so long as I see myself as a dead person, it
makes it easier, but I'm afraid that one day the tears will come out again,
and then I'll just have to end it the direct way, killing myself. I won't be
able to survive a second time, I hardly made it through the first, a second
one will kill me. If I do kill myself, all contents of my logs will be erased
and destroyed, no one need know why I did it. No one should blame themselves,
only me. She cried because of me, I'll never forgive myself. Me, I claimed I
loved her, and I made her cry, what kind of love is that? huh? I say I love
her and hurt her. WHAT KIND OF PERSON AM I?!! I hate myself. And I can't
blame anyone for hating me, cause I know what they hate and I hate it too!
I can't blame you for hating me, Shawn, I know your right, you were always
right, and you always will be.
Another friend is having a birthday party today, I think I'll stay home, even though I
was invited, probably because Lin is a friend of mine. Everybody loves Lin
and I'm a pretty close friend of hers, so when they invite her, they
automatically invite me. I think it's stupid, they shouldn't invite me, I
wouldn't.
I have to start disappearing now, I have to lose contact with people, the army
is coming soon, and for me it's the end of my life. When I get to the army I
want to be without friends at all, cause then when I pull the trigger, no one
will give a fuck about that damned good for nothing the_anonym, and will go on with
their lives, no sorrow no grief, and that's what I want. In my funeral I want
no one to be there, I want them to dump my coffin in, fill it with dirt, spit
on my grave and go away. I want no one to be there but the people who have to
bury me. And in order to have no one there, I must have no friends, at all.
Shawn will be easy, after I get drafted, I just don't call her no more, she
won't even know I'm dead and she won't care anyway, she'll go on with her life
with me watching her, to make sure she's OK. My other friends right now, are
also pretty easy to get away from, all except from Lin, Rona and Nilo.
They will be tough to get away from. But Rona expects this, she knows I plan
of killing myself in the army, she doesn't like the idea, but I don't like the
idea of living, when I have nothing to live for, nothing at all.
All I have is gone, and all I don't have I never will have. Not much reasons
of staying alive as you can see, I completely destroyed my life in less than
18 years, pretty talented, ain't I? You gotta be extra dumb to be able to do
that, and I guess I just got that extra stupidity.
END OF LOG



Saturday, September 16^th, 1995
3:49 a.m.

Dear log,
just came back from the fire party for Gus, and I'm waiting for my hair to dry
so I'll write some crap in you.
Well the party certainly got me depressed, I made a bet with Lin that no
girl will be with me, guess what? I won, no girl was with me for too long. I
guess it's just me, huh.
I had an extra bad/sad attitude, I guess. Lin wasn't too happy either.
There was a lot of newspapers near the fire, I took 3 articles about DD, I
don't know why, it's not like I'll have the chance to give them to her, is it?
I also took out an article about "Take That", I really hate that group, it's
not their fault really, I just hate them. Let's say, they stuck a knife in my
back. There were 2 "Take That" fans in the party (and I mean fans!), I wanted
to burn the article, but after destroying another one and talking to Lin, I
guessed that the 2 girls hate me enough and I gave it too them, they still
hate me though, I guess I just have it in me, huh?
So I had a pretty crummy time tonight, met some new folks, but didn't like it
very much, I wasn't in the mood to be there, I am never in the mood to be
anywhere. I felt so alone today, so bad, I felt like crying, I wanted to cry,
I didn't though, you know why.
I have decided that I'll wait for Shawn to call me now, and if she doesn't
call me, I won't call her back. It's time for me to disconnect from everyone.
I have to disconnect from Shawn, I have caused her enough damage in her life,
she doesn't need me, she won't hear about my death, she won't know, and I
guess she never will, cause there will be no connection with me or anyone
related to me.
Next step, I'm not going to anymore mass parties (like the one tonight), I'm
sorry, I just don't belong there, and I just don't fit in anymore.
I stopped fitting in after the day she said "no". I was never the same.
I'll go with Mena next week, I'm not too close to her, but that's it, after
that, Friday nights, I stay home, people don't need me to ruin their weekends.
Last step, lose contact with all my friends, that's a hard one, but the army
will help me out there, when the time comes.
After all that is done, there will be nothing else to do, but take my rifle
and use it to blow my brains out.
The only one who'll know or care will be my family, and that's it. No damage
done.
Mena told me that Eva wants me to call her, in case I never mentioned
Eva, she's a girl I met when I went to Mena's party group a few weeks
back. I don't think it'll be a good idea to develop a connection with her
(I'm not talking about a romantic one), since I won't be around very long.
I've got to the conclusion that life no longer holds an interest for me, and
that the time has come to not take an interest in life.
I guess my only regret will be that I never kissed Shawn, or hugged her, but
it's not like it would have happened if I would have stayed alive.
It's time I closed inside myself, no more new people, no more fun, just wait,
soon death will come and take me.
Somewhere out there, is a bullet with my name on it, and I'm going to find it,
cause he can't do it alone.
Do you remember the time I talked about MW? Well, now that we all know she
doesn't exist, I can also prove it isn't Shawn. Ricki said I'll be able to
talk about everything with her, I can't do that with Shawn, so MW can't be
Shawn. Not that it matters, cause last time I saw Ricki, she told me MW is no
longer in my future, or in other words, as usual I fucked up.
Well I'm really tired now, and I'm starting to make spelling mistakes, which
means I have to go to sleep, so...
hopefully I won't wake up in the morning, or ever.
END OF LOG



Sunday, September 17^th, 1995
1:04 a.m.

Dear log,
Shawn called earlier, I wish she'd tell me the truth, I wish she'd find a
boyfriend, so I could die my death in peace.
I met a girl Snow at the party, sweet girl, I guess I could try and contact her,
but why bother? I don't believe anyone is desperate enough to go out with me.
I'll try to see if I can help Nilo, get him a girl (and I'll win the first
bet). I don't think I've ever felt so alone, my bible teacher said that what
makes us different from animals is the fact we can sense eternity, well this
sure feels like eternity, and I have a feeling it will be.
Since I became more depressed after the fire party last night, I started
working on my new DD clip, "The 7th Stranger", I'll try to finish it in about
2 months, I'll need to go to Ashkelon, but I'll do as much as I can by myself
first. I guess it's my turn to call Shawn now, I'll do it, I can't live with
the fact that I destroyed the contact with Shawn, she'll have to do that.
I have to tell her goodbye, I'll do it with this clip, which she'll probably
never see in her life, but if she will, she'll know how I felt towards her,
true love.
I put a pretty depressing opening to it too, a Lou Reed quotation, that Agony
really got to me, I'll talk to Nilo again about contacting him, I need to
know what happened to Anne, I can't get the feeling that she died out of my
head.
Once again I didn't do my SAT homework, what a waste of money.
So here I am, alone, depressed, only me, my computer and my imaginary friend
Bob (a little character I made up for company, one day I'll give him life
with a 3D model, but until then, he's stuck in my mind)
I gave Bob a good life, cause I created him, and that's what I don't get.
God created us, but our lives suck, what creator would want his character's
life to suck?
According to my fantasy world, Bob has Mary, they're together, and they always
will be there for each other. I guess this makes me regret the fact that I'll
die soon, cause when I'll die, they'll go with me, Bob, Mary, and the
beautiful, magical world I invented for them, maybe I'll be able to model them
first, I'd love to see them in 3D, rather than my 2D drawings.
So I guess there's nothing else to tell. Nothing new, I just want to die, and
now more than ever, but I keep saying that, don't I?
I mean, what does a man have to do in order to get himself killed? I tried
mocking death, ignoring it, making fun of it, but it still won't come and take
me, maybe it knows that that's what I want, and wants to see me suffer some
more...
Well, he's getting his wish, I'm suffering, I wish I had a bullet to stop the
pain. Just one bullet, to stop the pain.
Welcome, to the beginning of the end of my life...
END OF LOG



Wednesday, September 20^th, 1995
1:52 a.m.

Dear log,
It's late, so I'll keep it brief.
Dad came back from America, he didn't buy me the program I wanted, now I'll
have to get it myself.
Nilo seems to have grown quite fond of Snow from the fire party, can't blame
him, she's really sweet and cute. Might have gone for her myself if I had
some self esteem, and Shawn off my mind. Who knows, perhaps she could have
gotten me out of my depression. Probably not. So Nilo wrote a bunch of happy
new year cards, and sent one to Snow. Good luck Nilo (he's going to lose his
bet). School suck, nothing new here. I have to go meet Eva and Mena this
Friday, and that ends my obligations for the rest of my life, no more going
out on Friday nights, it's just making my situation worse.
Sometimes I wish I could cry, but I know that the next time I'll cry from
pain will be the end of me, I barely made it through the first time with
Shawn, I won't survive a second time, I'll kill myself, I know it.
I almost cried at the fire party at a point, I just felt so alone, stopped
myself though, if I would have cried at the party I might have been dead now.
Death sounds so peaceful, how I long for it to come and take me.
I wrote a poem too, I'll write it down here:

When you said you were sorry,
I almost beLIEved you.
When you said that maybe, in the future...
I almost beLIEved you.
But you lied, how you lied.
Cause the future is now, and you're somewhere else.
Cause I'm all alone, and he took my place...

Pretty stupid I say, I could never write my feelings through poems.
I might be starting to learn how to play a guitar soon, at least then when I'm
depressed, I'll be able to play a soft melody. I love guitars, they relax me,
they have a sweet sound.
Well, I said I'll keep it short so I have no time to discuss how crappy my
life is these days, the Hebrew new year is coming soon, so I might have the
time to finish my life story then.
I decided that when my time has come to die, I'll copy all these log files to
a regular diskette, and hide them there with a command, that way, either
the log will be found or will be lost forever, frankly I won't care cause I'll
be dead.
END OF LOG



Thursday, September 21^st, 1995
1:26 a.m.

Dear log,
another short entry.
I'm hearing Dire Straits in the background, "Brothers in Arms".
There's a nice sentence there, "every man has to die"...
I love that song.
Nilo gave his letters to Rona, so she'll pass them on to Snow.
Thinking of Snow, she (like many other girls) fits the MW description
perfectly. A bit smaller than me, blonde, bright eyes, a bit chubby, talks
about what she wants. But I ain't going to see Snow for the rest of my life
so it doesn't really matter, I think Nilo's really getting his hopes up with
her, I hope he won't be disappointed, I'm going to have to help if I can.
She said I have beautiful eyes, I hate my eyes.
I wish I was normal, like everyone else. I wish I had a life, I wish I could
get a life, I wish someone would help me get a life.
I thought about making my clip in SVGA (which means it'll look better), I
guess I'll probably make 2 versions of it, low resolution and high resolution.
I need to go to Ashkelon, that's where my future is, in graphics that is.
I'm getting closer to the army each day, and I find myself thinking about
what I'll do after my 3 year service. Frankly, I don't know, will computer
animators still be needed after that time? Will I find a good place to work,
will I be able to create my own worlds so I won't be lonely.
I always wanted to see my characters in 3D talking, fighting, loving....
I have so many stories in my head, I want to put them all on the computer.
But I can't yet. Soon, I hope, it'll all be over.
You see, I figured it out, I ain't going to live after the army, not alone.
I figured that not much in my life will change during the army, and if I make
it to the end of my service, I'll just take my weapon and shoot myself, I
can't face the world alone and unloved, the world can do a lot better without
me. I wonder if anyone will ever read this log, besides me, he or she or it,
would probably be stunned from all of my thought and life philosophies, and
probably want to commit suicide. I know I do.
I wonder how many more things will happen to me that I'll document in this
log, before I die, after this Friday, not much I guess, not much at all.
At least one good thing came from this log, I learnt how to type extremely
fast, I type faster than I write by hand, I only wish I had a printer.
It's late, and I have a long day tomorrow, so I guess I'll go to sleep now.
Once again I pray I won't wake up in the morning, or ever, sometimes I think
my prayers are going nowhere, that there is no listening god, and I'm asking
for favors from no one at all, cause you see, no god, no demon, no heaven,
no hell....
Hell is waiting for me, I know it, hell was created for me, and I'll be there
soon, but maybe not soon enough.
END OF LOG



Friday, September 22^nd, 1995
00:32 a.m.

Dear log,
had a crappy day today, but that doesn't matter.
I saw dad today, he bought me a shirt and an after-shave bottle. Great (not).
My sister might be going abroad soon, I'll ask her for the program, at least
with her there's more of a chance than with dad, even though she isn't that
rich, I'll pay her back, though, at least it'll cost less than here.
I read the newspaper at dads, there was an article about seances, all kinds
of spooky stuff. I'd like to have a seance, I could then ask for my death,
and this time, no, won't be an option cause it seems to me that the spirits
really like the fact of killing the living, and maybe they DO take volunteers.
I don't get it though, I know they are here all the time, they watch us, some
of them are probably here now and reading this dumb log (yet they don't show
any signs that they are here), so if they know so much about me, why don't
they help, a tiny curse here and there that my life shall end.
I guess I have to get them pissed cause then they get mad and kill you, I
thought making a ghost angry is impossible, I mean, why should it be angry?
It's not really alive anymore is it? Or perhaps it didn't want to die?
But I guess that if you can make a ghost angry it means that ghosts have
feelings, which means that even when I die, I'll still love Shawn, perhaps
dying isn't a good solution? Well I don't see any other option, at least when
I'm dead I'll know there's nothing I can do about it, no more fantasies, so
in a way, it'll be better than now.
There was another article about this woman who reads in coffee and Tarot,
though I went to a tarot reading, the article said that this woman actually
sees the details of your life and knows all about you, though I don't want her
to know about me, I would like to see her (plus she says there's a 20%
discount for soldiers and I am getting drafted soon). I guess she'll be
shocked by what she'll see in my cup, but I really would like to meet her,
unfortunately no address was given with the article, so a little research by
myself is needed.
Well so much for the supernatural, back to my old normal crap life.
Nothing new really, it just gets worse, I'd like to ask Rona if she gave the
letter to Snow yet, I guess I need to talk to her.
Actually the more I talk to Rona, the less safe I feel about talking to her,
she usually spurts something out about me when in public, and I have to act
like she said it as a joke.
Rona keeps telling me how I need help, from someone who's a specialist in
the business (a shrink). I refuse to take it, there is nothing he can do to
help me, is there.
I mean, can he fix my life? No, can he make a girl fall in love with me? No.
Can he do anything besides talking to me in a desperate attempt to restore my
self esteem? No. END OF STORY.
Besides, I won't be able to trust him anyway, I don't talk to strangers,
especially ones who try to analyze me.
I don't need no shrink to tell me I'm crazy, I already know that I'm totally
insane, I lost my grip on reality and that I need to be committed.
I guess I do need help, help from above, the kind of help I'll never get.
Sometimes I get the feeling I'll live forever, that because I want to die I'll
get to live, I think that sucks. I don't give myself more than 4 years to
live, I won't make it after the army.
Well, it's almost 1 a.m. I better get some shut eye.
You know, that this computerized log (even though it probably has a zillion
spelling mistakes) is really a lot better than an ordinary notebook, cause I
would have filled about 10 notebooks by now, and I would have nowhere to hide
them, and on the computer, all my thoughts are recorded on tiny files, I can
write all I want and not think about any limitations (except that of time).
Another good point is that no one can get to these files cause there are no
computer experts but me in this house, so my files are perfectly safe.
So I guess it's good I don't have a regular notebook, like most other people.
So much for 30 seconds on why to keep a computerized diary.
I find myself without something to do pretty often, I need more computer
games, or else I'll lose more of my mind, I need to keep myself busy all the
time and I'm not talking about school, school doesn't keep me occupied, I find
myself drifting and thinking of Shawn again. I hate thinking about her, it
drives me crazy!!!
I need more games, when I'm on the computer, the entire world dies, nothing
exists aside me and the current mission I'm on. If I didn't have the computer
I'd probably be dead by now, it keeps me alive and a sick sort of way, but
even it has it's limits, just a few more years, just a few more years.
END OF LOG



Saturday, September 23^rd, 1995
1:17 a.m.

Dear log,
I didn't feel so good, so I stayed home tonight and didn't go meet Mena and
Eva, now I'll have to meet them some other time, damn.
Rona and the guys went to a movie today, Rona invited me, but I didn't want
to go, I know Snow was there, and some more girls.
I guess I just can't stand so many people around, I lose myself.
It was easy once, when there was hope.
Before I asked Shawn, I was more happy, I had hope that she'll be with me, I
was more optimistic, and looked at some bright sides of situations. When there
was a party I'd come talk to people, be a bit charming, a bit annoying, but I
felt I belonged, I felt pretty good there. Then it all fell apart.
I used to go to parties depressed and put my good mood mask on, the mask was
great and after the party I just took it off, no one at the party would know
I was sad inside, cause I didn't show. After what I did, the masked cracked,
and broke, I still haven't been able to fix it, and I don't like people seeing
me this way, it makes them depressed. I wonder if I'll ever be able to put my
mask back on, I guess not, I don't think I can fix the mask, and I know I
can't get a new one. So the best thing for me to do, is hide my pathetic face
and not show it again, Rona doesn't really like the idea though, but she's
gonna have to realize that when I'm around people I fuck things up, big time.
I thought I'll continue my story today, but I guess I won't, I know where I
left off, and hopefully I'll tell the complete story on one of my free days.
I wrote another poem, or song today, I think it sucks cause I have a bad way
of handling words, I'm bad at expressing myself with them.
Anyway, I'll write the poem down here so that I'll be able to remember it in
the future, I guess the last thing I'll do before I die will be to read this
log and see my pathetic excuse for a life in perspective, I'll be able to see
how it sucked then, and how it's even worse now.
Never mind, the song:

Sorry
------

I'm sorry for many things I've done
but especially that we met,
I wish I didn't feel this way,
I just can't forget you yet.

I'm sorry for all the things I've done
I'm sorry I had to try,
I'm sorry I ever wanted to know,
I'm sorry I made you cry.

I guess I don't deserve you
and that's why I'm alone
I know that it's all my fault
if only I have known.

Today we're almost strangers,
we're so far apart,
I hardly ever see you,
when I do, it breaks my heart

I wish you knew how much I love you
I wish I could forget,
I wish I weren't sitting here
all alone with my regret.

So now all that's left
is for me to say goodbye,
It's time I did something right,
It's time for me to die.

So now that night has fallen
and my end seems very near
I think it's time for me to go
but for me don't shed a tear.

Just one thing I want from you,
be as happy as you can be,
and I'll tell you how to do that:
just never think of me...

I'm sorry...

Pretty crappy, I know. But I guess one's writing is affected by one's mood,
right?
So I stayed home tonight, and didn't meet no one new, I wish it'll stay like
this, cause if it doesn't it'll only get worse (and I have a feeling it will).

I wish you where with me today,
rather than apart,
I guess I've changed, in a way,
cause that day you broke my heart.

If this goes on, I'll go insane even faster, I gotta stop thinking about words
that rhyme!
END OF LOG



Sunday, September 24^th, 1995
00:42 a.m.

Dear log,
Nilo called me in the morning, he went to the movie with the gang. He was
upset cause Thema said she'll meet him and then she canceled. I found out
later that she did come, he was really upset, said he didn't want to see her
again, and stuff. I learnt from Rona later on that Thema and Snow stayed at
her house and they went to sleep pretty late, though I talked to Nilo before
talking to Rona, I did suggest the option that Thema is simply tired, Nilo
wouldn't listen, but he calmed down later.
I don't get him...
I could never think that way about Shawn. If she didn't want to see me, I'll
accept it, hey, I won't even blame her for it.
Nilo, on the other hand, was really upset and blamed Thema, I think he's either
getting over her, or he never loved her at all and was in love with being in
love. Anyway, I know he and Snow exchanged phone numbers, and he's hoping
for the best, though I understood from Rona that he doesn't really stand a
chance, I hope for the best for his sake.
Me? I didn't even call to tell Shawn to have a great new year, doesn't matter,
I guess, maybe I should never call her? Just disappear, and die, slowly...
So here I am asking myself, now what? I felt like I was losing my mind this
weekend, I kept on sleeping all the time, cause I didn't have anything to play
with in my computer, I needed to keep myself occupied, but I didn't have
anything to do that'll make me forget.
I'm going to my grandma tomorrow to celebrate the Hebrew new year, I might be
going to my aunt later on, to stay overnight.
You see I have a pretty distant relative, last time we
met was in a wedding party, we talked and (as unbelievable as it may sound) I
think I made a good impression on her, though that was 4 years ago (I think),
and I'm not expecting that she'll even remember me, I want to see what kind
of impression I'll make on her now. I want to see how much I've changed, and
the best way to do it is get someone who doesn't know me and didn't hear from
me or about me, she is the perfect person.
I'm afraid that after she meets me she'll start hating me, I'll probably fuck
up, big time. I'll probably say something in the wrong place at the wrong
time. I don't know if I'll stay though, I really want to meet her again, but
I would also like to be home. But what do I have to lose? I meet her on
family occasions, and those aren't much. It'll be nice to see how I'll do if
I opened a new page in my life, in a new place, with new people.
I wonder how she changed, what she's like today...
It doesn't matter really, all that matters is to see if I'm a better guy these
days, and I'll know by her. Hopefully.
I have a SAT math test tomorrow, I didn't learn for it, I still don't
feel too hot.
So that's all for now, I guess.
Why do I always feel it's necessary to write more and more, and not just stop?
Maybe I feel like I'm telling these stories to someone who cares and not just
a machine, someone who has enough patience to listen to all my stupid life
stories. I've been thinking about MW again.
I think I have a problem there, cause I keep looking for someone who fits the
description given to me by Ricki.
It seems like I'm looking for someone who's as close to Shawn as possible, and
that's bad. When I meet a girl, I try to see if she's blonde and has light
colored eyes (either light green or light blue).
It's terrible, I'll never meet anyone if I can't get Shawn off my mind, I want
her so much I'm looking for a copy, even though a copy doesn't exist.
This is insane, I'm looking for a fucking replacement, while knowing she
doesn't exist...
This is terrible, I'm losing my mind.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?! WHY AM I SO FUCKED?!
I wish I were dead, I so want to be dead, why doesn't someone kill me?
Please, please, please, please, please, kill me.........
I want to die so much.
END OF LOG



Tuesday, September 26^th, 1995
1:22 a.m.

Dear log,
well, I came back from my relatives (a few Shekels richer) and with more to
think about. I slept at my aunts, and the day later I met that girl from the
wedding again.
She changed, she colored part of her hair pink (was supposed to be purple),
and aside from the words "hello" and "goodbye" we only had one conversation,
which lasted 5 seconds and was about how come there are no good songs on MTV
at the moment. So let's say it would have been a waste of time if I didn't
get money (it's a material world).
I did however figure out that since she didn't expect anything she couldn't
have been disappointed, which got me to the final conclusion that I'm really
low on self esteem, courage, and that I'm much to shy.
I talked to Mena a bit today, it's weird how she can sometimes lift my spirit
for a few seconds before I crash land it again.
She said that a friend of hers said that I look good.
Almost wish I could believe her.
I know Mena was at Nilo's house earlier today and that while she was there
Snow called, I figured I might help Nilo out by doing some undercover work,
and perhaps add another friend to my list of many girl friends (girls who are
just friends). Later on I talked to Rona and I heard that they were going to
Snow's tomorrow (or is it today, cause they are going on Tuesday).
Rona invited me to tag along, I said I might, I don't want to though, I have
bad feelings about that, but I always have bad feelings about everything.
Shawn called on Sunday to greet with me with a happy new year, which means
she's a bigger person than I am. Gaia also called on Sunday, she's sweet,
I'll give her a call next Saturday.
Sometimes I wonder if there's anyone out there that can make me stop
thinking of Shawn, I think not. Let's say I find a girl, we're together, we're
happy, then one day, she dumps me, WHAM, back to square one again, I'll
probably find myself thinking of Shawn...
Only then, it would be too late to do anything, I guess it means I'll have to
kill myself.
I don't feel right to go to Snow without telling Nilo, after all he is the
guy who's interested.
I've decided to put my song "Sorry" at the end of my clip, I already started
working on it, I really need to go to Ashkelon to get the special effect
things for my program. I want to release my clip before Hanukah.
I've decided that when I finish the clip I'll make a small party in my house
(just really close friends) and premiere it to them. I'll ask for criticism,
and if I get any, I'll try to change some of the parts.
I bet Snow will be pretty surprised if she sees it, since she doesn't know
that spending hours of time in front of the computer screen is a main hobby
of mine. But first I've got to meet the guy from Ashkelon, and after my SAT exams, I'll start
working on it like there's no tomorrow, I'll have it finished in 2 months,
and it'll be the best thing I ever created.
I wonder if Shawn will ever get to see it, and if she will, what would she
think of me afterwards, especially after reading the ending song...
I don't know. I bet she'll never see it anyway.
Well, I better do something else now, since there's nothing more to write in
you but rubbish, and lord knows I've written enough rubbish in you, so I'll
write a little less today.
END OF LOG



Wednesday, September 27^th, 1995
00:02 a.m.

Dear log,
well I was at Snow's today, and spent some time with Rona, Gus, Lucy, Nilo
and Nick. I guess that if it wasn't for the music discs and cassettes it
could have been a waste of time.
I tried to observe Snow, see how she ticks, but Snow's a tough nut to crack.
She seems to simply like everyone, all the time, there's no telling who she
likes more, so I think Nilo has an idea that he doesn't have much chance.
I don't know, maybe he'll get his lucky break, God knows he needs one, and I
guess I need one too.
I observed Snow as much as possible, she's pretty wild, don't give a fuck,
and just does what she wants. I guess she could have fit my MW description,
BUT she isn't chubby (or at least I think she isn't, I believe her to be
thin), so I guess she is disqualified (makes you think I actually have a say
in this doesn't it?).
I was pretty much stuck to Rona the entire time, I kind of lost my "good" mood
in the middle there.
Me? I was pretty much my own self, I annoyed the usual people, and hated being
there. I think now, more than ever, that it's just bad for me to meet more
people, since I only make them feel worse.
Nilo has to talk to Rona now, cause he started talking to her about his life,
she won't have a problem thinking of answers to give him since he shares the
same thoughts that I do, perhaps he's in a better condition too.
I've been working on the ending part of my clip, it's going to be that song
I wrote, I keep changing it though, so it'll sound better.
I thought I'll invent a company name, I'll still be nicknamed BOOM, but I
need a company name, or a group name.
I decided I'll call it "A.R." (only initials were written - April 1999),
aside from the nice ring to it, it will also be true once I get my dreams off the
ground and into my computer.
Once I get my characters as objects I can mess with, I'll create a totally
different world for me to escape to.
A new world, where love does exist, with magic, with fiction.
It'll look great, I already know how it'll look cause I see it in my head all
the time, it's the world where my creations live.
It has a special place for teens only, where they sing and have a good time.
It has magic, lots of magic, and true love wins it all, cause all know that
there is a lot of magic in true love.
I'm Bob, I have Mary, we're together, and I know that we'll always be
together, I save her, she saves me, I love her and she loves me.
I want to create a romantic scene for them so they could kiss, I can never draw
them kiss, I can't find the correct angle for the head, and I don't know how
it'll look, so once I have them modeled all I have to do is just animate them.
It's hard, but at least it's something I can do.
I always visit it when I hear music, cause music makes my
world tick, and I guess that once I make my world,
I won't need this one any more, and I'll just stay in mine until death decides
it's time for me to go.
Well, I have school tomorrow, and I still need to sleep (or something).
Shawn, I find it hard not to think of you, that's why I'm creating my reality,
so I'll be able to be somewhere else, someone else, someplace good, someone
happy, even if it isn't for real, I need to forget you, and I can't.
Why is that? Why you? Why did it have to be you?
I wish you knew how sorry I am, and maybe one day you will.
If you see my clip, you'll probably wonder about me, hopefully it won't matter
anymore then, cause I'll be dead.
And then everything will be just fine, everything, you'll see, I'll correct
everything. I hope.
I wish you could love me, but I guess you can't. I'm not a lovable guy, am I?
I don't blame you, you know. I understand why you don't love me, I don't love
myself either, at least we have that in common.
END OF LOG



Thursday, September 28^th, 1995
14:15 (2:15 PM)

Dear log,
check the time it's pretty early for me to write in but I had to.
I thought I wouldn't have anything to write till October but I guess I was
wrong. What is it that I have to write right now? You ask...
I had a dream tonight, it was one of the most powerful dreams that I ever
experienced, one of those "this doesn't look or feel like a dream", but when
you wake up you have to face the fact that it was.
I guess you can guess what I dreamt about, Shawn of course.
I don't know where we were or how we got there, I remember sitting near Shawn
on the ground, our hands were on the wall near us, and on the left from me
was her dad.
I recall Shawn's hand was on the wall, my hand was underneath her hand, I
moved my hand towards hers, gently, so it will appear that I'm doing it
without intention, when my hand was on top of hers, she put her second hand on
my hand, and held it, I stared at her, she was beautiful (as always), she
asked what would happen if we got our lips together I started moving my head
towards her head, now she was facing the wall, I kissed her twice on the area
between the bottom cheek and the lip, the first kiss was a little far from
the lips, the second was getting closer, it was the third that was supposed
to be the one on the lips, but then I retreated. Something was not right, I
don't know what it was, maybe it was the fact her father was near us, or
perhaps the cold feeling I got from her, I just stared at her, when I kissed
her she didn't move, I don't know if she liked it or not, I guess I thought
she didn't. I woke up then, but the dream stayed. When I kissed her, I could
feel her skin, it was kind of sticky, because of the heat, it really felt
although I was kissing her, when I woke up I found it hard to believe it
never happened. I wonder what will happen if I sleep forever, cause then I
won't need to wake up, and perhaps then I'll be able to be with her always.
I also made a short poem, that just came to my head:

When I'm dreaming,
it's the dreams I forget,
that always come true,
but the ones I remember,
never do...

That's right, cause sometimes I have dreams that I don't take much notice of,
and then I get this Deja-Vu feeling and I remember that I had already seen
the scene before. Unfortunately, it never happens with dreams I remember, and
every dream with Shawn I remember, so I guess it means I won't be with her.
God, I love her so much, I'm really going mad, aren't I?
END OF LOG



Friday, September 29^th, 1995
2:18 a.m.

Dear log,
I went to sleep and my mom woke me up cause Shawn was on the phone.
I wonder what she'd have to say if she knew I kissed her in my dream the night
before. She had problems with her SoundBlaster, something with the electric
adapter, I guess it got short circuited.
But then again, I wasn't there so I don't know. I tried to help, I don't think
I did, I'm sorry.
We talked a bit, she disconnected and called back, I wish she didn't, I find
it hard talking to her.
I went back to sleep and had a dream, it was about me being Karen's boyfriend,
extremely odd, since I don't usually see Karen from elementary school often.
Just here and there when we accidentally meet, she was sad all the time and I
wanted to help, I didn't know if I should touch her or not, so I was careful
about it, just like life. We walked on the street with some more friends, I
don't remember who they were, and I looked up to the dark sky, I thought about
what might happen if a UFO came along, and guess what, one did.
It was triangular in shape, and it was flying right above us, later on I saw
another one flying above us. My first thought was to run and hide but then I
started rising in the air, upward toward the UFO, and I was thinking that I
was finally going to see how the aliens looked like, more people were being
lifted up, but not all of them. At that point my mom came back and made noise,
and I woke up, another dream that won't come true.
It was 23:00 (11:00 PM) and I felt like I wanted to cry, I had to stop myself from
crying. I didn't cry, I know that the next time I cry, I'm going to have to
kill myself, and though that day is coming very quickly, it's not here just
yet.
I wonder if I'll have plans this Friday, probably not.
Shawn said she wanted to meet me on Succoth vacation. I can't let that happen,
I'll tell her she has to come here, or perhaps that I can't cause I'm studying
or something, and then I'll be spared from more agony and sorrow, it'll also
do her good. If I keep meeting her, I'll eventually crack, cry, and that will
be the end of it all. It can't happen just now, not yet.
I had a long talk with Marva today, she told me her life story, sort off.
All until her current boyfriend Charley, now there's a pretty sad story with a
pretty happy ending. I guess I envy them, it's hard not to, the way they care
for each other, the way that they're together all the time. It's sweet, but
it breaks my heart, I hate watching them, it hurts.
I guess Marva's story is almost like Shawn's, only I guess more complicated,
I mean both include a boyfriend from Jerusalem that broke up with them at the
end, only Marva's ex-boyfriend called a few months ago and said that he wants
to still remain friends. I don't think Ernie did that, but I bet that if he did
Shawn will be happy cause I think she still loves him.
The difference: Marva started looking for another boyfriend, and found someone
good, Shawn might have tried to, but found me, not your brightest man, and not an
option. I wish I didn't love her so much.
I talked to Dall today, he said his uncle has a CD filled with graphic goodies,
hopefully he'll get it and the drive to Ashkelon won't be so necessary.
I have a sports test tomorrow, great.
I'll also go swimming with Lin later, today Hilda asked me if we're like
getting close to each other (we often go hugged, and we don't give a fuck
about what people might say, I like that), so a bit of rumors came along that
we might be getting close, cute, I don't think we are.
I guess I like to go around hugged or with my arm around her since it makes me
feel good that she doesn't care about it, even though she isn't my girlfriend.
Heck, my girlfriend hated being seen hugged by me in public, not very good for
my self esteem, but I guess I've also changed since then.
I talked a bit to Hilda, she is overstressing herself, she needs a break, she
found it very sweet that I was concerned and gave me a kiss in math class.
I couldn't help thinking I was turning to be one of those Americans who keep
on hugging and smooching everything that moves.
I guess I do care, I want to help someone with my life before it's over and
let's just say it isn't working very well. How can I help at least one person
with my life? I wish I knew.
I guess that's all so far, hopefully nothing will happen till October, and
even then, the only thing that will happen will be my SAT exam.
But I guess my wishes just never come true, do they?
I have to go now, my world awaits me, and I'm going to pay it
another visit...
END OF LOG