More thoughts can also be found at http://www.livejournal.com under the user name of Keramel28...
Thursday August 30th 2001- ...signs... i'm bored. i'm thoughtless of course... since that's why I sat down here, was to write... I haven't thought about Alan in sometime... well now it's to think about how i haven't thought of him. Or now I think I've come to a greater appreciation for what we had. For it was far greater to me, than anything else I have experienced thus far. Those feelings... I only long for those again... though I find I am quite hesitant to even allow myself to experience it, or anything like those again, for fear I'll lose that person again...
I thought I had found my safety net after Alan... it wasn't real though. It couldn't be. Impossible... now I don't know what to feel about that either... nothing probably... he doesn't. All I've wanted lately is for him... and not Alan. It's hard to desire and daydream about someone you only know through the context of their words. And yet, that's all you really do need to know, to care about someone. Their personality. I suppose that's why people can speak easier in this forum. Online, you don't have to let your insecurities run you over. You can just be...
I think that should be my motto... I should license that. "Just BE"... it is only the purest way to live. Just be, and whatbever happens happens...
Anyways... back to Him. I just thinking right now... and look and see he's not there... and I instantly have no desire to be here right now. Not if he's not. Goddamnit, come back... it doesn't make any difference... he doesn't want me. Not like I want him to at least. Not that many have... purely... just Alan, I'd like to think. It's why I couldn't pursue things with Rick. Among not wanting to, and several other reasons. I don't know... I guess I'm just fucked up in my head..... I don't know what's going on at all....
If you've gotten this far, and if you're the Him I was talking about, as I'm sure you will know who you are.... please come. Even if you don't feel that way. Just give me those four days. Just to see... or... i don't know...
Friday July 6th 2001- Kinda kicked back right about now... mellow... high... listening to the Deftones... <sign> ... perfectly content at the present time, in a state of mind where reality is tomorrow morning... I only wish I had someone to go to bed with me tonight... hehehhehehe...
Sunday July 1st 2001- I don't know... what's going on in my life... it just keeps unraveling... day by day... second by second... I'm glad my friends find me as an inconvience, cutting into their drug time, when my own best friend can't even call me back... Living here is tearing me up, as my mother refuses to speak to anyone, except to make rude, outrageious comments, the financial debt is piling up, the emtions are stacking higher and higher... sometimes I pray for the courage to end it all... it would only make it so easier on everyone... I just can't bring myself to do it... I would really like to seek some therapy, but I have so much to take care of now... I want to make myself indepentant of all my family and friends, but that too is going to take some time... maybe I should ask for more hours at work, and then just work and keep to myself. Pay back everything, and then put myself on a level where I don't need anyone. Maybe that's one of my weaknesses. Dependency. Too dependent on my friends to take me away from my home, and too dependent on myself for all the wrong reasons, all the emotions that I don't let anyone know... I shouldn't even look for a relationship when I can't even support myself, but yet I think that's what I'm missing, that pure, general love... that overlooks money and flaws. I gave up on that I thought, after Alan brought his finanical problems into our relationship and thus ended it...I guess it doesn't matter with anything... bitching, and complaining, and crying, doesn't do anything... but even your hardest efforts don't seem to do anything either...
I'm confused. I suppose. Listening to Secretly by Skunk Anansie... I love that song...
I've also concluded, I'm not very fair to anyone in my life. Maybe I deserve all this... My friends don't know all this, none of them come here, none of them know what I feel like deep down about everything... instead I listen to Tia talk about Rick, and all her men... and I feel so inadequate because I can't find several, I can't even find, one person who wants me and wants to be with me... and sometimes I don't feel bad if she gets hurt, because she's just as equally evil to every guy she's been with. My online friends, don't know about my home life, don't know about my mom, and the constant pressure to be someone I'm not, the pressure to be the perfect child. Nothing is good enough. For anyone. Even me.
And this warrant, I've actually come to a point where I've almost forgotten it exists, I do need to take care of it terribly... I know, I want it gone, but I don't even want to get up some days, and it's hard enough trying to balance work, and a social life, not to mention picking up another job, that I wouldn't even get paid for just to finish the community service. I look and read about all sorts of court cases, assult, drugs, rape, fucked up things, were people come out with less sentencing than I did... I find it rather sad, and fucked up, how this world works... I want to move to Europe where there is no crime, and no deaths from guns, and it's more peaceful, I bet they're judicial sysytem isn't fucked up either.
hmmm....
I just want to get my life to a point where I don't have to lie to anyone anymore. That I can be happy, And fufilled. Growing in my education and resposibility. That I can be happy. And I can move beyond petty, immature behavior...
I also find myself falling hard for someone that doesn't even live in my state, is that possible? To fall head over heels for someone that I've only known through online conversation, but for sometime this has been going on, and someone I feel I know greatly.... I don't know, it scares me that I think about this person a lot, and I don't even know what their voice sounds like.....
Friday June something 2001-
Keramel28 (8:11:12 PM): do you think it would be wrong to call alan..?
Keramel28 (8:11:26 PM): nevermind
Clockwork Lyme (8:11:29 PM): i dont knw..
Keramel28 (8:11:35 PM): it would be
Keramel28 (8:11:39 PM): there would be no point
Clockwork Lyme (8:11:41 PM): perhaps
Keramel28 (8:11:50 PM): i miss him
Clockwork Lyme (8:11:55 PM): if he wanted to talk..he would have resonded to email or something
Clockwork Lyme (8:12:02 PM): its best not to upset him maybe
Keramel28 (8:12:08 PM): :'(
Clockwork Lyme (8:12:13 PM): but if you have to, you culd try calling
Keramel28 (8:12:27 PM): i know god for bid i upset him...
Keramel28 (8:16:45 PM): why do you think he hates me?
Keramel28 (8:17:25 PM): :-\
Keramel28 (8:17:42 PM): ????????????????????????hello?????????????????????????????
Clockwork Lyme (8:17:48 PM): i have no idea why
Clockwork Lyme (8:18:02 PM): he problably doesnt hate you
Keramel28 (8:18:05 PM): why should i care if i were to upset him?
Keramel28 (8:18:13 PM): nno he obviously does
Clockwork Lyme (8:18:15 PM): you shouldnt..
Clockwork Lyme (8:18:18 PM): im sorry
Clockwork Lyme (8:18:29 PM): i need to go eat something
Keramel28 (8:18:40 PM): :-P
Keramel28 (8:18:43 PM): :-\
Clockwork Lyme (8:18:50 PM): sorry..
Keramel28 (8:19:14 PM): i wish there was a way to make the people thaty you want the most want you back
Clockwork Lyme (8:19:30 PM): yea
Clockwork Lyme (8:19:31 PM): hoh well
Keramel28 (8:19:52 PM): i don't like feeling like thisd about him
Keramel28 (8:20:05 PM): i don't like having all these pent up emotions and thoughts
Keramel28 (8:20:12 PM): that no one understands except for me
Keramel28 (8:20:20 PM): and no one even cares really except for me
Keramel28 (8:20:27 PM): and the onyl person that i want to hear me
Keramel28 (8:20:29 PM): is him
Clockwork Lyme signed off at 8:20:40 PM.
Keramel28 (8:21:13 PM): and he won't listen.
Previous message was not received by Clockwork Lyme because of error (8:21:13 PM): User Clockwork Lyme is not available.
You're such a fucking dick sometimes Tom. You obviously don't listen to me either...
Tuesday June 19th 2001- i Haven't had much time to work on this site, but I'm slowly getting back into it, for a place to catch my thoughts for the time being, go to http://www.livejournal.com and look for my user name of keramel28.
Thursday April 26th 2001- I don't know. I hate everyone. I hate myself. I can't draw. No one wants me. I'm lazy. I'm a loser. I have no money. I hate thinking now. All I want to do is get a new life and start all over. Or go to sleep for a long time.
Wednesday April 18th 2001- Well. I bought this incredible import 3 cd box set by Moby. It has I like to Score- Music From Films Vol. 1, Everything is Wrong, and Animal Rights. It's so exciting. I love Moby.
For the past hour or so thoughts of Alan have racked my brain. I hate it. I hate him, I hate feeling anything, good or bad, for him.
I've been so high all day, my thoughts aren't really organized. I want to go to sleep. Maybe I will...
Saturday April 14th 2001- So Norm and I have constantly talked about girls being evil(his argument) and guys are evil(mine). Well I do agree that there are some evil girls and there are some nice guys. Norm believes girls only fall for the assholes, so he in turn was going to be a dick to girls, and it worked in ways. Well I think the same goes for guys falling for asshole girls. So I was doing some analytical thinking about me, and Alan... and fuck the whole "Him" and "He" thing because no one comes here and no one reads this except for me, and it's much easier to just say Alan. Anways. Well Alan still talks to his ex-wife right, even though the chic was a complete bitch to him. Threesome with his best friend the night before the wedding, um, cheated on him, asked him to come back, then changed her mind, and then wanted a divorce just months into their marriage, so she could become a lesbian. Pretty shitty if you ask me, and god knows what else she did, but the basic line is that she treated him like shit. And yet they still talk. And for those 4 months who heard about all the blowouts that had in that time, and who looked at the wedding pictures first, I did. And all I wanted though everything, was Alan. All I did was want him to want me as much as he wanted her, or enough to stay with me for some time. And what do I get. Nothing. He doesn't even give me the time of day. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Now how fucked up is that? So it basically proves the theory that everyone is fucked up. And he wanted to remain friends with me, I don't think he understood that maybe the reason Angela did remain friends with him, was because it was easy for her. She was, is, a lesbian now, for christ's sakes. Whenever she talked or talks to him, she probably doesn't look at him longingly or want him. That's all that I would be able to if we were to remain friends. I couldn't do that though. I tried to say it would be better to stay friends, but he never heard that, and I would only be lying to him and myself by not saying that my main intention of being friends, would be to be there if or when he decided he wanted me back. Hmmpphh. I think that's pretty good on my behalf, this whole last paragraph.
Man I fucking hate Easter. Church and everything. And of course my great-grandmother had to die Friday, so not only is tomorrow Easter, and I will be dressed up like a fucking not me. And will be spending the next three days going to funerals, and seeing all these people whom I haven't seen since the last funeral, and they will all ask me how's life going? and school? and work? And all I will be able to sayis fine. Cause what am I supposd to say. Well I only go to one class and I smoke a lot of pot, and I don't really have a good, prod life right now. Oh, and wait till they all see the god damn lip ring.
I 'm really liking the soundtrack to SLC Punk lately.
And death, dude. I think i'm numb to it, or maybe I understand it or accept it or some bullshit. I mean things like this don't usually bother me. I suppose maybe if it was my mother, or father, or brother, or close friend, I would be upset. I've had grandfathers and grandmothers and a baby cousin who have all died and I didn't cry at any of them. At with this great-grandmother, I mean for as long as I can recallm at least for the past 10 years, she's been crazy. She never even knew who I was, or her own grandchildren. So I guess I just kinda forgot she was even alive, I mean what a way to live your life. As if it were 50 years earlier...
I don't know. I feel just really blah today...
I almost called Alan today. I thought better of it...
Friday April 13th 2001/ Saturday April 14th 2001- I hate this whole personals thing. Maybe I hate that I haven't had as much success with this one as I did with the first one. Maybe it's not successful to me because all I want is another Alan or something. Maybe I want Alan to find me again.
I have a horrible chest pain.
I want to go on vacation. I can't wait for this weekend. I wish I didn't have to drive though.
Sunday April 8th 2001- I don't want to hang out with my friends today, I want to talk to or see Him. :(
I'm so fat. I hate my physical appearence. Sometimes I hate everything about me.
The bump of my hand is gone. I remember the first person I even told about it, was Him, the first night we met, at his parent's house in front of the fire. It was almost like a joke, cause the goddamn bump was so freaky, it moved with the tendons or whatever with my fingers, it grew slightly bigger, but not freakishly bigger, and harder, and the doctor my mom works for, said it was probably some sort of cyst and eventually it would go away, and it did, and I noticd it today. I wonder if that is some sort of sign. You know regarding Him... blah...blah..
Saturday April 7th 2001- Today was a complete and utter waste... I was up at the butt crack of dawn to get ready for the annual Hash Bash out at U of M's campus, we were all to meet early, at 10, to smoke and then head out there. Needless to say, by the time we actually got on the road, in our three care entourage, on our way to a place that no one knew how to get to exactly, or at least had forgotten how to, it was nearly 12. Right before that though, we had a near death experience when one of our friends, began to have trouble seeing and then kinda like passed out, and it was scary as hell. Freaky I tell you, freaky. And then, well of course, leave it to a bunch of potheads to get lost, and we did, and my car never actually made it to Hash Bash. Instead we headed back through the maze and awful jungle of Michigan highway construction, so on top of a four hour car ride, a whole shit load of weed, and the rest of the day watching my friends shop, it was not a lovely day.
Though as we were driving, I noticed how awfully gray everything seems to be here right now. The roads, the sky, even the grass and plants and trees all have these grayish tone to them, it's awfully freaky, as if Michigan is a very dead place. Though I'm sure come summer, everything will flourish again, with color. I don't know... I'm a springtime/summer kinda girl. Fuck snow, fuck winter.
I don't know, I'm kinda sick of doing absolutely nothing. I wish I had more money, or at least friends, that were more into culture, like art and theater, instead of bong hits and Hash Bashes... one day I'm going to be very sohpisticated and cultured. Everything, from my style and hobbies to my job. Though I'm still going to keep some of my spunk... I don't know... I don't even know what I'm going to do tomorrow or wear tomorrow let alone how I'm going to act in god knows how long...
sheesh... I'm such a freak...
Thursday April 5th 2001- I have hairy legs. Hairy everything. Well not really everything, but my legs and you know what. I think I've shaved both areas maybe a total of like 4 times, if that, since He and I broke up. I mean no one is touching my legs tonight or anytime soon. So why bother? I don't plan on having sex anytime soon. I think this is the first time I've ever not wanted to have sex. Well I want to have sex. Of course I do, who doesn't. I just want it to mean something the next time. My last sexual partner, you know...HIM... was amazing. It was the only time I ever had sex, and have it feel like something much more, dare I say it was almost like making love. Well minus the love part, cause you know when you love someone you should try and stay with the person, instead of running away or backing down and out. Hmmpph...
My friends have to be the biggest gossips and hypocrites in the world. I find it very interesting, that one can lecture another about talking shit behind another's back and then go do the same, except not about one person, try 3...4... even 5 people. It's horrible, that one of my closest friend's chooses to be like this, chooses to talk shit about me, and our friends, and then act like he is the good guy through it all. I'm not opening my mouth to him about anything, even though I just poured my heart out to him yesterday about HIM, god knows who he will go and tell. Asshole. I'm just going to keep my mouth shut about everything from now on, well maybe I'll tell two certain people, but other than that, again I am standing my ground as in I don't want to be involved.
I've been so depressed lately, to the point where I don't even want to go to class or work, or do anything, just sit in front of the computer or lay in my bed. It's rather awful, and I do hate it. I'm assuming I'll be over this bit in the next few days. Times like this never last long for me, but when they do occur they're absolutely miserable. I really think I should consider getting some psychiatric evalutions or something. I, personally, can not pin point the exact cause of these feelings. I'm sure many have to relate back to Him, and my general history in love, the warrant, stress with my friends. I'm really looking forward to getting rid of this warrant, and then I'm going to elimate anything else that causes stress in my life. No more lying to anyone. No more lying to myself. I think I'll be 100 times happier and more successful, if I can eliminate some of the factors in my life that bring me down.
Right now I miss Him, everything. I miss him all the time, don't I. I was looking through some offline messages from yahoo messenger. My messenger has been set up to save all the messages I recieve while offline, anso I have all the messages since September. From September until February when I recieved my last offline message, were mostly from Him, and it's rather depressing to see all the lies and bullshit. The I love yous, and how I made Him feel like a teenager and young and good, and all this stupid shit. It's so fucked up that I can look back through the whole relationship, and question everything, everything that felt right and truthful, and wonder if it was any bit of the truth at all. That's really depressing in itself...
I rented Tony Hawk 2, not because it reminded me of HIm, but because I do truly love the game. It's just not the same, playing with my brother, and not Him. I always had so much fun, not to mention the fact that my brother sucks at it. hehehe.
Well I've resorted back to the same personals, that I met Him through. That's how serously desperate I am to get over Him, and my lonliness. I've deicided that there are two kinds of people. The kind who work better alone, and the kind that depend heavily on others for support. I've also decided that I fit into the latter category. Perhaps if I wasn't so insecure about myself, and more confident, I would also be a happier person, but I'm also positively thrilled when I have someone there for support. More support than a friend or family member can give. I thrive on that, and that's what makes me want to be everything more than I am. The thought... I don't know....
...man... this has been a very self-analytical entry... maybe I should stop wile I'm ahead of myself, besides I need to go to sleep, if I'm going to try and pull off a 10-11 hour work day tomorrow....blah....
Tuesday April 3rd 2001- I'm starting over new. That's what this website is. I'm taking it away from myself like the last site was and directing it more towards my art. Besides I can also start over with this site in terms of Him and whatnot. I mean, well I don't feel the need to explain.
This is still going to be my spot to free my mind, whether anyone reads it or not, that's fine, I don't care. Hence the placement of the page, and not right smack in the middle of the Home page.
Hmm... well of course I have to write about Him for awhile. I started my last website in the same fashion, talking about Ryan, though this time it's a bit different. This time it really hurts more than skin-deep, not literally, but it hurts a lot. And frankly I'm a bit miserable. I can not understand why exactly every guy I have ever been with has not thought I was worth the energy or time to stay with, work things out, etc. Yeah yeah, maybe I haven't found the right guy yet, I guess. Everyone else around me however has been in long term relationships. I on the other hand, my relationships last a few months, if that. Sometimes I wonder if I even have the right to feel like I do about Him or anyone, as if I haven't experienced enough or been with one person long enough to feel like I think I do. And maybe that's just it, maybe I think I feel more than I do, but I really don't think that's the case. I mean it's natural to be hurt when you find out the person who makes you happy and whom you're falling madly in love with, doesn't feel the same. Doesnt think you're good enough to work things out with, compromise with, or sacrifice for. I wonder if I'll ever have that, ever have someone that will want me enough to give me them. It's the one thing I'm scared about most. The one thing I ignore every day. Being alone. I hate it. I'm sick of it. I've always wanted to be wanted like I seem to want everyone. And it has never happened. I don't think I'm the ugliest person, or the dumbest, or the most annoying, but after going months and months of being alone, and then maybe a few months or weeks with one person, I'm back to square one again. It's really tiring. This last time was the worst I think. I can't even believe that I gave myself to this person, more so than I have with anyone, and in the end it got me no where like with everyone else. I don't know anymore....