[Intro]

So who is "BoB"?

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Prepared by Poison Microchip & Mad Carew Cut,members of the Terror Australis Clench.

[Image of J.R. `Bob' Dobbs]

WHO IS THE GUY WITH THE PIPE WHOSE FACE IS APPEARING EVERYWHERE?

The confidently-smiling, fatherly visage smoking the Pipe represents J.R. "Bob" Dobbs (1930-1984, 1985-?), the Living Slackmaster, the Saint of Sales, the Prophet of Profits, and High Epopt of the Church of the SubGenius.

In 1949 Dobbs (then a humble aluminium-siding salesman in Texas) was watching late-night TV. As he went to adjust the picture, Dobbs saw a dazzling white light; he felt a strange tingling sensation and his whole body went rigid. He lay unconscious and unmoving for several hours. The next day, he became aware of strange voices speaking to him; voices which identified themselves as beings from Planet X (Xists), and the "space god" Wotan-1 ("Ra-1", "Thor", etc.). J.R. "Bob" Dobbs knew then that he had a mission. He founded the Church of the Subgenius to save all who would follow him from the coming Weird Times.

"CAN "BOB" SAVE MY IMMORTAL SOUL?"

No, you're thinking of Jesus. He can save your immortal soul. "Bob", on the other hand, can only keep your soul safely in a Klein bottle in the Church Vaults in Dallas, Texas until X-Day. In 1984, when "Bob" was fatally shot by one of his own followers his soul went straight to Hell.He was only able to return to Earth because he beat the Devil in a game of poker. Today, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs is alive and well, and living in seclusion.

"DOES "BOB" REALLY HAVE CONTACT WITH ALIENS?"

Yes. All of our teachings are derived from the Prescriptures, the 28 volumes of "prophecy" dictated by Jove-1 to "Bob" in his trance in 1949. Although nobody has ever read right through them, the Prescriptures teach us about True Slack, the iniquity of the Conspiracy, and the coming of the Xists; as well as the utter HORROR of X-DAY, when the Earth will intersect with the Backwards Time Universe AND be invaded by the evil Zists from the Anti-matter Galaxy (Yacatisma); hailstorms of tiny BLACK HOLES, FREAK atmospheric earthquakes, and chainsaw-wielding LIVING Barbie Dolls disguised as packages of artificially- contaminated food will be among the LEAST of the terrors you will face on that dreadful Day.

"WHAT HAS "BOB" DONE FOR ME?"

That depends. IF you are a normal, well-adjusted member of society, then don't read any further! Just carry on doing your job, coming home to watch pre-digested "news" on your 99-inch colour TV, eating designer health-foods... NONE of this applies to you. "Bob" has done NOTHING for you at all!!!

BUT... if you've always thought you were somehow "different"... if you've always known something was going on that "THEY" won't tell you about... if you want to have SEX with BEAUTIFUL ALIENS... then YOU may be a Latent SubGenius!! "Bob" has made some sort of "deal" with the Xists so that on X-Day (July 5 1998), all paid-up members of the Church of the SubGenius will be rescued by from the Wrath of the Tribulation by Xist flying saucers.

"WHAT IS THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS?"

The Church of the SubGenius is the Greatest of all the One True Religions; an Order of Scoffers and Mockers, dedicated to Total Slack, the Casting Out of False Prophets, Disembowelment of the Conspiracy and Rival Cults, and Cynisacreligion. We perform wonders, interpret phenomena, answer any question, and have access to forces greater than Mankind. We had nothing whatever to do with the death of Sharon Tate or the Hilton Bombing.

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