"One time, I told my son that I was taking him to Disney World, so I drove him to a old, abandoned, burnt down barn and said "Look son, Disney World burnt down." He began to cry, but I knew he was laughing deep down inside. It got late so I took him home"
"If you are ever falling off the Empire State building, make yourself go really limp so you look like a dummy and someone would catch you because they would think 'hey, free dummy.'"
(for fellow musicians) What do you do if your french horn player can't play? Give him two sticks, put him in the back of the band room, and call him a percussionist. And then what if he can't do that? Take away one of his sticks, put him at the front of the band room, and call him a conductor.
One time a man goes to the doctor complaining that he hasn't had a bowel movement for a week. The doctor prescribed him a mild laxative and told him to call him the next week. He comes back the next week and still has no better results. The doctor then prescribes him a strong laxative. One week later the man returns and still has no good news. The doctor asked the man "Sir, What exactly do you do for a living??" and the man sheepishly replies "I'm a musician". The doctor then says "Oh, that explains it" and hands him $5 and says "Go get something to eat."
How many Trumpet players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
just 1; to hold the lightbulb still, then everything just revolves around him.
Always, before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get mad at you after the criticism, they're a mile away - and barefoot!