Cuisine Retribution
Cuisine Retribution
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by June "KaraOhki" Geraci
November 25, 2001
Revised December 6, 2001
Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi, not me. I've borrowed her characters for this story. This story is for entertainment purposes ONLY, and may not be used commercially. I don't own Iron Chef, either! It is the property of Fuji TV.
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Akane sat in the classroom, doing her best to concentrate on her lessons. She normally had no difficulties keeping her mind on her schoolwork, but this day was different. A long-awaited lesson was planned for cooking class, and she was determined to get it right. Kasumi had tried to teach her. Auntie Nodoka had tried to teach her. She had tried on her own, and even gone to the trouble of buying a brand-new cookbook.
All of the efforts had failed. Akane simply could NOT make sushi.
"Today I succeed," she muttered.
"Miss Tendo? Did you have something to share with the class?"
Akane's attention snapped back to Miss Hinako. "Nothing at all! I'm sorry."
*****
"The tuna must be sliced thinly, Miss Tendo. Do not hack at it with your knife. Your motions should be smooth and gentle."
Akane nodded, feeling the beads of sweat on her brow begin to drip down. She was concentrating so hard that she did not hear the commotion at the far end of the room until her name was called.
"AKANE TENDO!"
She knew that voice. Akane whirled around. To her disbelief, Takeshi Kaga stood at the other end of the room, pointing a gloved hand at her. Sequins adorned his flowing cape, and he wore patent-leather boots. What would the Chairman of Iron Chef want with her?
"You are to come with me. Now!" Kaga strode forward, his boot heels clicking on the floor. The crowd of students parted before him, murmurs of apprehension coming from their lips. Akane was unable to move. She made no effort to ask any questions, and when Kaga took her by the arm she quietly walked beside him and out of the school. A great whooshing sound filled her ears, and for a moment Akane thought she was going to pass out. She closed her eyes, trying to deal with the sensations.
*****
"Welcome to Kitchen Stadium!"
Akane opened her eyes. She was lying down, and something was covering her. When she tried to move, she realized that the covering was cloth, and it was weighted all around. Since she was still feeling overwhelmed, she listened to see what was happening around her. She was certain that the voice speaking earlier had been Kenji Fukui, the announcer of Iron Chef.
"We have a very special theme for our audience today. Instead of a challenger taking on one of our Iron Chefs, they will all be cooking today. Chairman Kaga has decided that it is time for them to address a serious problem occurring in Nerima Ward. This problem is something that the Chairman cannot tolerate. Bad cooking. But before we reveal the special theme, let me introduce the Iron Chefs!"
Akane listened as Mr. Fukui named the chefs.
"Iron Chef Chinese, Kenichi Chin! Iron Chef French, Hiroyuki Sakai! Iron Chef Italian, Masahiko Kobe! Iron Chef Japanese, Masaharu Morimoto!"
Then the Chairman spoke. "Today I have a special assignment for you. We must remove from our presence the worst of cooks, the cook that threatens the very essence of Japanese cuisine. Nay, she threatens cuisine worldwide! I reveal to you your challenge, your enemy, your secret ingredient!"
The cloth over Akane vanished, and she stared up into the eyes of Chairman Kaga. "Your ingredient! Akane Tendo!"
*****
"NOOOOOOO!" Akane threw herself out of the way as all four Iron Chefs converged on her. "You can't cook ME! I'm a person!" She backed against the wall below the Royal Box, breathing heavily. While she did so, the chefs began to argue.
"Let me go first!" demanded Iron Chef Chinese. "I want to stew her, and that takes time!"
The other three chefs conferred briefly, and Chef Sakai responded. "Go ahead, but be careful. She is a martial artist, accustomed to fighting."
The chef produced a cleaver. "I think this will be helpful."
Akane shrieked and ran around the kitchen toward the judges' seats. Her mind briefly registered that some familiar faces were sitting there: The politician Shinichiro smiled at her and raised his chopsticks, Keiko Saito merely giggled, and Yoshizumi Ishihara looked quite hungry. What made her stop dead in her tracks was the fourth chair. Instead of Asako Kishi, the food critic, a very familiar person sat there. Her fiance.
"Ranma?" she whispered.
Ranma grinned and waved cheerfully. "Hey, Tomboy! I figured this'd happen sooner or later!"
"WHAT?" Ranma grinned at Akane again, and she became aware that Chin was coming up behind her. "You mean you're not going to help me?"
"I can't! I'm one of the judges! You want me to cheat or somethin'?"
Akane's shock was so great that she found herself trussed up and on one of the counters before she could react. The Iron Chef was dousing her with spices and oil, which made her sneeze. The sneezing was brought to an abrupt halt when Akane heard another all-too-familiar voice.
"Excuse me! What are those spices he's using?"
"Kasumi??" Sure enough, her sister was leaning down from the Royal Box.
Everyone ignored Akane as Shinichiro Ota ran down the ingredients for her sister. "The Iron Chef is using sesame oil, lemon grass, garlic, soy sauce, and black bean paste. This should impart a great deal of flavor and tenderness to the final product."
Fortunately, no one was paying any attention at all to Akane, as they watched Kasumi make notes of the recipe. This allowed her to use her bound hands to grab a knife and free herself. Her next step was to deliver a vicious snap kick to Chin's chin, knocking him cold. Once again, the roaring noise overwhelmed Akane, and she began to black out as the program went to commercial break.
*****
Akane swam back to consciousness when she heard Ranma's voice. "Hey! Nice job with that kick! Look out for the guy with the knife."
"What? Where?" Akane spun around in time to duck the outstretched hand of Chef Sakai, who had one of his large knives in his hand. She had seen him use knives too often not to know that she was in great peril. The man could peel an apple in seconds, his hands moving nearly as fast as her fiance's fists.
"Get away from me!"
The Iron Chef specializing in French food just used the smile he normally used to make ladies all over the world melt. It didn't work on Akane. "Come now, look in that pan! I have everything waiting for you! Fois gras, cream, truffles. Just a little Akane Tendo, and the dish will be perfect, and I will be the victor!"
"No you don't!" Akane pulled a wok off the stove and threw it at the chef, but he ducked. She smiled. The distraction had worked perfectly. While Chef Sakai was off balance, she swept his legs out from under him and trapped him beneath a giant steamer.
"Damn, Akane! How could you! I took so many bets on Sakai, because he's SO cute!" Nabiki leaned down from the royal box, shaking her fist at her younger sister. "Now I have to pay off!"
"Tough! Go borrow from Kuno!"
As if the mention of his name summoned his presence, Tatewaki Kuno appeared before Akane. "I shall rescue you, my love!"
"Go get him, Akane!" Ranma's yell nearly made Akane smile, but her situation was too dangerous. She instinctively ducked from under Kuno's attempt to embrace her, and pushed. He lost his balance, teetered, and landed in a giant vat of tempura batter. Bubbles began to rise to the surface.
'I suppose I shouldn't let him drown.' With that thought Akane grabbed a large slotted spoon and lifted Kuno out of the batter. Unfortunately, at that exact moment Chef Kobe chose to attack, and she slipped on a wet spot on the floor and dropped Kuno in a wok filled with boiling peanut oil. Kitchen Stadium grew completely silent as a giant Kuno dumpling floated to the surface, browned perfectly. Then the audience burst into applause and cheers.
"I can't believe it. I finally make something right and it's Kuno!"
The whooshing sound came again, and once more Akane lost consciousness.
*****
"Our judges conferred during the commercial break, and the decision was made to disqualify Chef Kobe from the competition. The judges all agree that since the assigned ingredient is Akane Tendo, and he caused a dish to be prepared with Tatewaki Kuno instead, this constitutes a violation of the rules."
'One less chef to worry about. Good.'
"I protest! My tomato sauce is already simmering, and Miss Tendo would have made a perfect filling for ravioli!"
Chairman Kaga called Chef Kobe to his side, and the two of them began a whispered argument. Akane tried hard to hear what the men were saying.
"Akane, watch out!"
Ranma's warning came a second too late, as Japanese Iron Chef Morimoto knocked Akane cold with one of her own mallets.
*****
"During the break I asked Chef Morimoto what he plans to do with Miss Tendo. He mentioned sushi, and when I asked for details he did say something about a giant tuna roll." Mr. Ota's voice and description was enough to bring Akane out of her stupor.
Akane was tired, and the lump on her head hurt a lot. She was covered with sesame oil and spices, her uniform was cut to ribbons, and somewhere in the process her shoes had vanished. Now she was lying on a bed of rice, being covered with tuna, wasabi paste, and other sushi ingredients.
Then it hit her. She wasn't going to die. Tuna roll was traditionally served raw, and perhaps that would give her a chance to escape. Morimoto had made a fatal error.
Dr. Yukio Hattori dispelled that illusion. "I see the chef is going to make his famous alternate version of classic tuna roll. He's heating up his deep fryer, and preparing batter. The last time the Iron Chef served this dish, it was accompanied by a delightful gorgonzola sauce. This is going to be quite a treat! Chef Morimoto's deep fried sushi is beyond compare."
"No, please don't. Ranma, help me! Don't let him fry me! I promise, I'll never cook for you again! I promise!"
Akane felt herself being lifted, and the scorching heat from the oil surrounded her.
*****
Akane flew into a sitting position. For a moment she was disoriented, but she soon realized she was in her bed. The sheets, her hair, and her nightgown were soaked with sweat.
It had been a dream. No, not a dream. A nightmare. And it had been meant to tell her something. She was a martial artist, and not a cook. Perhaps that was the way it was meant to be.
Akane got her clothing together and crept downstairs in the light of the early dawn. She bathed, dressed, and tiptoed into the kitchen, where she collected every single cookbook she had ever purchased. Then she went behind the dojo and built a fire.
"What are you doing?"
"Ranma?"
Ranma pointed a finger at the fire. "What are you doing?" he repeated.
Akane gestured to her cookbooks. "I'm not going to cook anymore. Ever. I'm just no good at it."
Ranma crouched down and looked Akane directly in the eyes. "You're pretty bad, but not that bad. And I didn't think you were a quitter."
Akane's chin came up. "I'd think you'd be happy that I'm not going to poison you anymore."
"Nah. I can take anything you can dish out. You're never gonna be an Iron Chef, but--Akane?" Akane's eyes had widened as Ranma spoke, and he reached out and caught her as she turned deathly pale and fell over.
"What'd I say?"
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My heartfelt thanks to my partner, Fido, for giving me the idea, and to the members of Group 2 in last night's One Hour Challenge on FFIRC, for suggestions and editing assistance.