Cobalt Blue

by jonmichael vermunt

copyright 1998 by the provincial bluefish

contents

2 Her Room Was Full Of *

3 Several Days After This Town Was Bombed *

4 Running From The Authorities *

5 Nuclear Lemonade *

6 Amnesia *

7 homes i have not lived in *

8 Lady in Blue *

9 Acquaintance Expecting a Letter *

10 pieces of trash *

11 new child *

12 movement *

13 Forgive Me *

14 Survival tips *

15 this is who (i am) *

16 poverty *

1 shine *

2 In your hand i am weeping coldness *

3 sing the cool blue night ablaze *

4 prediction *

5 Long Ago *

6 Ceremony *

7 to fall under *

8 Candy Store *

9 residue of a hangover

10 Roses *

11 Los Angeles *

12 (deepest darkest suburbia) *

13 numb hands *

14. cobalt blue *

** new version

* new poem

~~~

My Friend & Her Fire (Revised by Request) For Kael

i saw you walking around in

early evening, like you were walking

on hot coals, like you held matches

in your fingertips, like you were

daring yourself to drop them.

why were you crying gasoline tears?

why did you feel so

afraid, my friend,

my friend?

& now you can't be cremated,

now you can't be consecrated.

my throat burns, i want to scream, that box

goes down there, are you in it?

it's painful to guess

if down there, in the ground,

worms will get sick on the spices,

& that coffin, & the flowers we placed

so carefully on top will go up in flames

& burn forever...

(i miss you)

~~~

Her Room Was Full Of

photographs from dreams,

scrapbooks, locks of hair

from all her friends, & a

poster of a lake

in the middle of a forest

her diary says

she would stare at the wall

& become calm. old relatives

walked out of the walls

to keep her company

sing the truth of sky or

ceiling coming down

on 45-cent coffee &

old cigarettes

she got high

then picked up her father's

gun, stolen from his room,

& w/out noise or blood

it was suddenly over.

(crime scene. police photographs.

tape of a confession. diary as evidence.)

~~~

Several Days After This Town Was Bombed

cardboard

posterboard

rocks & false teeth

old buildings

bulldozers

sweet dreams

loneliness

small children

old men

quietness

all around

this town needs

another bomb-

some grass, some wind to blow away the weeds,

some life, some youth or new

trees & dozens of mexican

murals & patterns

on the buildings.

i can see,

some day in the future,

celebrations & singing

& young girls dancing

out in the street.

~~~

Running From The Authorities

We are at the beach now. I have something to tell you.

I'm in trouble with the police. I dropped that old

cardboard suit of yours on the side of the road.

Now you know. I meant no harm.

& yet you just stand there, slipping sand in between

your toes. You look at me as though I've grown an

arm out of my ear. You're not sure what to make of this.

Seashells are broken here. Bits of flotsam or jetsam,

tossed & juggled around, a tumbler, a tide. You fear

a hurricane, or thirty-two white cars with red & blue flashing

lights. I'll draw the fire. You'll survive.

~~~

Nuclear Lemonade

sitting there, in your barcalounger,

you clasp the hand of the one you love

& sun-bathe. This is like a modern

tragedy or romantic comedy,

a screen feat, a luscious scream,

a season finale, a final big bang.

sitting the shadow of a mountain

lion or a mushroom cloud

cheers

sip back

lemonade & watch the

three-hour early sunset.

~~~

you & i have met somewhere before.

& now we're standing here on Alek's Wharf,

members of an inane tourist party,

w/ our floral shirts & polaroid cameras.

we make small banter;

"ever been to this lagoon before?"

we talk in disjointed slices of

someone else's conversation-

but you & i have met somewhere before.

were we friends? lovers? did we have

a one-night stand? & yet here we are,

talking like strangers

who've never seen each other

naked. i wish i could remember where-

did i buy you a drink? you & i

have met somewhere before.

~~~

here's my hypothetical home.

i'm living in a trailer park,

in a little van i drive to work.

& you, my friend, you grow like

weeds around my tires.

i find your eyes fascinating.

someday i will let you in.

here's a possible home.

it is a house, not big enough

to be a house, but not small enough

to be a shack. i walk around here

in black silk pants, dictating poems

at the wall.

you grow here too, a plant on my

window-sill. when it rains i let you in.

here's a home i have not lived in.

it's giant, my own eccentric

secret-passage thrown-together

diorama. i get lost daily & drink

silver-tray tea.

you grow here, a passive giant,

stumbling around like a lost beast.

we make love nightly.

i love no one.

~~~

you're wrapped

in colour

an oil painting

an arabian mirage

you move

like wind,

like sand dunes,

like water

you swallow

me whole --

leave me gasping

for air.

again your

hand passes

over my

forehead.

again

i wish

i could

scream

~~~

i was expecting a letter from you.

i leapt to the mailbox, in rapt anticipation,

& every day it was empty.

now i know why, it's so simple.

your hands have gone thin & white,

like ivory, & your eyes

have slipped away, returned

to dust. i should feel no remorse

or anger, or anticipation anymore.

& still i'm wondering. you have the biggest

mailbox now. you should expect a letter

from me soon. i don't know what to give you.

~~~

twenty-three cents

will buy you a cup of coffee

when you're near-death

it'll buy you

a meter of snow

a cloud

an ounce of light

a hole in space

and near life, it'll buy you

a new set of eyes

a couple of soothing words,

a sheet of paper on which to write

your song

it'll buy you

a postcard to send

back home.

~~~

you do not look like us...

now you're born,

you can get tangled up in spider's

dens, get drained out, get angry,

sleep & see demons, open

your eyes & see us.

get afraid

try to run, escape, as slowly you forget

what you look like. you look in the mirror

& convince yourself

that you look just like us.

& then you get to become us.

the face underneath changes,

contorts, & you get to

forget who you are.

~~~

i

it starts in the forest

quiet & still

by a covered pond

it moves

awakening

a light rising in it's dark mind

a dark shape

that rolls out

falling trees & crushing flowers

it grows slowly

but surely, a force, a juggernaut

that can not stop

and can not sleep

ii

we move

so well

& surely

through these brick warehouses

& glass needles

we are smart

& confident

we dwell in our certainty

this is our street

& our city,

these neon lights

are ours,

these gambling parlours

& pool houses

are ours.

in this place w/out gods

we are the demons.

iii

i ran to the coast

i took enough plastic for

cheap hotels & fast food

i ran to the world

at the edge of our world

the city at the edge of our sea

i wanted to see the coast

i wanted to put stones in my pockets

& walk into the sea kingdom

i hate these buildings

& people that stand

in my way

do you know

i have been to Death Valley

& seen the daytime listlessness

& the nighttime life?

do you know strangers

who'll ask you for a smoke?

do you know tatoo shops,

piercing parlours,

ugly old buses?

if you saw me there

you'd know i didn't want to be there.

you'd know my plan.

iv

do you have to go now?

i don't want you to leave-

you have met the other friends i've had

& seen them leave- you've seen

ropes break, & oceans part to allow

passage.

now these trees are grey,

these rocks bleed & these skies

break open.

we have reached

an understanding.

we have seen

some part of it:

the movement, the shadow that creeps around

wherever we go, following us all

it starts in the forest

quiet & still

it ends

gone intelligent

but still as much an automaton

as a shark.

it doesn't give up, so

neither must we

~~~

i hardly knew him. he sat 3 rows ahead

of me in Physics, showing off his bleached

hair to his friends. he was so surrounded,

so popular- & who was i?

i pulled the trigger, i guess-

the note said he blamed me. he must have

been mistaken- we'd barely passed 2 words.

it was so odd. he said he wanted me to

search his room & take what i liked. the

note read like a sarcastic & angry yell.

in his room i found a 3000-word essay

on forgiveness, neatly hand-written. it

lay like a dead animal in a blue binder on

his floor.

what have i done?

~~~

don't worry about me,

i've got a good pair of shoes

to walk around in.

i might get lost but my feet

are always on the ground,

i might get hungry but

my heart is full

& if there is no painting on the wall

i can look out at this night sky

w/ so many stars-

i feel guilty & insane

you break my heart

everytime you leave

but don't worry about me

somehow i'll survive

~~~

this is my home-

though nobody lives here.

this is my church-

& nobody's seen it.

these are my hands-

they seem crippled & old.

this is my river-

dry as the sun.

these are my friends-

an empty field, an abandoned car,

my tattered jacket, a shivering cat,

an ominous word, a brass trombone.

come closer & i'll play you

a happy song, & take our picture

w/ a polaroid camera.

would you like to know

who i am- or better yet

what i am?

~~~

this is what i need to survive:

money for postcards, tropical

trees, a grey sky, shoes on my feet,

this old guitar, a window.

do i need you?- you gave me change,

you planted trees, you put the heat

on the water to make these clouds,

you mended my shoes & bought me

this guitar.

~~~

the skyscraper glitters silver

in the deep night.

the gold of hands shines

awesome in the day.

bring from this dry well, the clay

to sell to the priestess women.

the arms show bronze & copper light.

the sky glitters silver in the deep night.

~~~

In your hand i am weeping coldness clear,

on my shoulder you lay your stillness out.

we sit in rivers & parks & watch the fires,

waiting while they gather here to shout.

this raft is falling in among the people,

as crowded people leave this ugly place.

on your eyes i place an intact comet sky,

as your lungs gasp in i hold your face.

my fingers thread your hair apart like spiders,

drawing us to see the old & quiet beach.

you know why i have these supple fingers.

you know the kind of clarity i reach.

if my hand holds that gold you covet clearly,

on this ground you may shiver at the sky.

you hold that winter hand i kept so dearly.

if i die, then this

is where i want to die.

~~~

sing the cool night ablaze w/ glory

(i see the lark that swims,

flies into the winter tree --

you are the winter shadow that hangs

over me.) let me tell you this sad story:

the autumn of desire that you covet

in the space between twilight & dark

has got me tied & merciless it rides

on my fine & pretty counsel.

have you seen where i put my happiness? i sing the cool blue night ablaze

when summer wraps cold fingers 'round your chest.

have i thanks for these kind acts & unexpected unearthings

from your light & sadness?

we sing the praise for earth & several forms of birth

i ride high on the image of your sex

& you, fancy that, you're hiding

under my illusion. your unicorn

has devoured you: protect us from the body

& keep the filth outside-

we fly --

this flight is dead

put your back against the angry grass & ride

the earth. can you feel the movement

under you?

so many times i taught you what it's like to capture

this metal, this element of

worry.

the autumn of desire that you covet

in the space between our fingers that fly

across the stars inside your body --

we praise the earth & all the majestic stories

to be told. i sing the cool blue night ablaze

when you are cold: give me back

something.

~~~

when grey cats prowl in the night

on nimble paws, moving like shadows

under swinging beams

of light,

when the bus arrives

on it's lucid destination, & passengers creep out

into the dark silence,

we'll go to a different world:

when we get spread out, pieces of ourselves

all over this unfortunate globe,

we'll leave this orbit.

& after the rains, & after the sirens are silent,

& after the war, & after we abandon,

when the lands give way & slide underneath

the veil of the waves,

we should escape. you know i have two hands

only to give you pleasure-

we will go to where the mind runs unreigned,

where beauty goes untempered,

& thinking does not guarantee

solvency.

~~~

long ago my footsteps were asleep.

i fell to my knees & chose to creep.

i wandered in your town, & made no sound.

you found me & helped me off the tepid ground.

& now, may i touch your bearded cheek?

my hands tremble & i feel weak.

~~~

if i should put my unhappy hand

on your weak wrist-

& fall apart like an autumnal leaf, will you

pick up this sacred stone, will you

break the circle & go back

to join the others?

here we are gathered safely

under these angry skies

w/ angry mobs going wild, miles away, all around us.

what's w/ this odd splendour w/ which you give me the evil stick?

do you think this chemical is that sacred?

this is what's sacred: my heart beats in my chest,

my lungs gasp, do you hear it? that's wind-

the earth; these stones, the water; these streams

we've gathered, the fire; you remember handing it to me?

i've gone mad

i've made dream catchers

out of the things you gave me.

~~~

do you know the difference?

in a back alley. wearing a navy

skirt. looking for giant glass

towers. participant in a vision, a trance.

what do you want this evening? welcome

to my house. the roof leaks. the boards

are falling apart. the cat is mangy,

unhappy -- content. outside the cobblestones

break weirdly under the watchfull gaze

of the sun.

feigned wisdom. drawing of an

old woman. a matise, an old mosaic.

sunbeam.

lantern.

do you know the difference? i hold

outstretched hands. have i invited you?

why are you in my home?

~~~

is the candy store

open?

i keep hands on the top shelf

of my mind.

you are most important here.

this wheel spins

unquestioning

around me

my mind goes in & out of

the turnstile

the glass is heated

unbearably, do not touch

the counter-top.

~~~

i'm not sure

how i got here

but i'm sitting

& you're resting

your head on my

lap.

this doesn't entirely

make sense & i

wish i could be somewhere

(anywhere) else

right now.

~~~

yellow means

i need to see you

for coffee

pink means i saw your photograph

in a teen magazine

white means i have shook your hand

just now, & haven't yet decided

if you are a salesman

or a great friend-

or perhaps simply

a new drug

black means

i have given in

to gothic fantasies

& would rather see you

bleed than love you.

red means i've seen you

cornered, vulnerable,

& in my hot blood craze

i ravaged you, red means

i'm sorry, red means

please forgive me.

~~~

Los Angeles, casinos & car crashes;

hold on, it's

too fast...

give me a second chance, a second,

city, a chance to

breath...

in

Los Angeles, stopping

in a downtown

streetcorner

café...

(the city moves & breathes & goes

so fast, it's crushing me

alive.)

"City life is so hectic.

We should take a

vacation."

"You feel it? Me too." (so

much steel &

heartbreak)

~~~

your car

has broken

down

you hold

a cigarette

for me

in your palm

you say

"well,

here we are,

trapped in

deepest

darkest

suburbia."

i think you're

kidding.

there has to be

some way

out

should we

try to escape?

should we

run?

i wonder

who lives

here

(could anyone

really live

here?)

~~~

watching cities crumble

windows open to the dawn

hands closed to fists that fall

when the stone breaks & is gone

if we had eyes only to see

children grow up inside a crime

we would not see the cities

crumble all the time

and a sun ripped in anger

into fragments of cold sky

and a world torn forever

under the pressure of the eye

do you have an answer,

see the calamity go blind

hold on to the ground &

ride the world in your mind

watching worlds fragment

people torn apart by crime

we would not see the cities

crumble all the time

~~~

he had blue eyes.

i drove into the desert

in afternoon rage

w/ the slippery

hand of an

abbandoned

home.

he had blue eyes,

our father

sky.

i felt cattaracts grow. god,

is it going to rain?

i need repreive,

no sleep for me... i drove

into the desert

in the afternoon heat

my fountain gives no noise

this oasis is sitting

under the frozen

headlight.

will i die

stepping on cow's skulls

looking for some new sort

of bible

a hood,

a captured forest

i drove into

the desert

on the whim of an afternoon

i wait

for sunfall

in horrible silence

this moon, this bomb

i caress- blue flag

of distress flies out

underneath the pale

desert sky

what's going on now?

a fountain of fire

a crushing blow

can i be your

stream, your

new gun?

day arises,

embers glow

i know where i am.

his eyes were

blue: sky blue,

peacock blue, navy blue,

ocean blue,

cobalt blue.

~~~