MISTIERS: Tyler Dion

TITLE: Doctor, Samuel Beckett - by Paul Harman

CHARACTERS: The Doctor, Sam Beckett, and Al Calavicci

SUMMARY:
---
SHORT:
Grammar, spelling, characterization, and continuity: 
the basics of a good story. And you'll find none of that 
in this "Doctor Who" short. Instead, we have a mindless 
glob of camel spit that revolves around the green "Skagaroth" 
Stetz and why he wants to kill the Doctor (we still 
don't find out by the end). Oh yeah, it turns out 
Earth is really the remains of a clapped out time 
machine. Go fig.
---
MAIN FANFIC:
The worst of the "Doctor Who"/"Quantum Leap" fanfics 
floating around the Internet. The White Guardian, 
Omnipotent Being Obsessed With Chess #273513/J-8b, 
decides it's time for Quantum Leaper (tm) Sam Beckett to 
stop mutilating the timelines and go home. To accomplish 
this he calls up the Doctor. (Lucky duck!)

So, on the planet Gallifrey, home of the super-powerful 
Not Appearing In This 'Fic Time Lords, poor, dopey Sam 
dithers over whether accept the post of All-High 
Gallifreyan Time Weenie. Later, after a session with 
Kreskin the Master, Sam enjoys a good, old-fashioned, 
fan-approved run-around through the streets of Gallifrey 
with Evil Leaper (tm) Alia to escape the kinda-vigilant 
Capitol Guard.

Meanwhile, in the Area 51-esque depths of New Mexico, the 
Doctor impresses Al and Gooshie with his ability to suffer 
heart attack after heart attack while reprogramming Ziggy, 
the lovable cartoon char -- I'm sorry -- Ziggy, the normally
mouthy hybrid computer of Project Quantum Leap (tm) who 
escapes this 'fic with only one line. And on top of all 
that the Doctor's suffering from major brainfreeze 'cause 
he's only got the one heart now. Tragic.

Finally, after a cathartic spanking session in which Alia 
gives Sam a much deserved whupping, the story ends with 
Project Quantum Leap blowing up. Sam and Al are left 
stranded in the desert when the Doctor peels out, 
claiming he mustn't interfere. Incidentally, the rest of 
the PQL staff is apparently left wandering in the Doctor's 
TARDIS. Must be getting crowded in there with all the 
Cybermen, Sontarans, and other various alien creatures 
milling around.

SHORTS: A Crack in Time - by David Paulden
CATAGORIES: Short: Doctor Who. Fanfic: Doctor Who, Quantum Leap

HOST SEGMENTS:
Intro: Bobo says "Hi" while Pearl drives and Observer 
sleeps. A collision with a swarm of Wirrn causes 
Observer's brain dish to smash and Bobo comes up with 
the clever idea of replacing the pulverized pottery with 
a fish bowl, complete with novelty diver.

Segment One: While Bobo and Observer stage a no-holds-
barred catfight, Mike and the 'Bots discuss Pearl's need 
to see them crushed beyond recovery. Turns out she's 
just really mean.

Segment Two: Taking his cue from Gene Roddenberry, Grant 
Naylor, and countless others, Crow tries to evolve 
beyond his original programming. His first attempt at 
true emotion, homesickness, doesn't work too well. Mainly 
because he's never lived anywhere besides the SOL.

Segment Three: Servo's path to fanboy godhood continues 
in this segment when the last episode of "The Tenth Planet" 
reaches the SOL's antenna. Once everyone stops turning 
the lights back on, that is.

Segment Four: Much emphasis is put on...emphasis when 
the 'fic causes Mike and the 'Bots to start randomly 
emphasizing words. Fortunately, there's a cure. 
Unfortunately, it means reading "The Pit," which is, 
naturally, the pits.

Segment Five: Fascinated but puzzled by the extensive 
use of Zero Rooms in the fanfic, Crow and Tom build 
their own. But thanks to some misplaced technobabble, 
the room amplifies sound instead of generating tranquility. 
That's when Pearl starts piping in Starland.

Stinger: "although his outer appearance looked content 
at this result inside himself he was troubled secretly 
knowing this was not the end ."

REFLECTIONS:
And so my fannish crusade to uphold the worthy name 
of "Doctor Who" begun with "Doctor Who and the X-Men" 
continues with two pieces I found rotting on the 
metaphorical shelf in the Antiwesley's archive.

But seriously, the short holds special feelings for me 
because Paulden also participated in "Experiment IV," 
a round robin I wrote in. After what he did to one of 
my characters (later retconned, thankfully), it felt 
real, real good to slam this short. If it sounds petty,
 it probably is. On the plus side, no one has heard 
from Paulden since he posted this short. The world 
owes God a favor.

In the midst of writing this MiSTing,  my hard drive 
pulled an Aaronovitch and crashed, deleting everything 
I had written so far. I would like to think the final, 
rewritten-from-scratch version is better.

CHRONOLOGICAL NOTES:
Anytime after 821-"Time Chasers" but before 901-"The 
Projected Man."

RECOMMENDED READING:
MSTed-"Doctor Who and the X-Men" ('Cause I wrote it! Isn't arrogance a
good thing? :-)