. .journal. .

Entry #1
6-3-99 10:14 p.m.
Corbin.

*you've been gone exactly 2 weeks, 2 weeks and 3 days. and now i'm a different person, different in so many ways.* ~Ani DiFranco, "Superhero"

thinking about my life the past month, i've discovered a lot about my life and the people around me.. and that Ani qoute is very true in my case. alltho i beleive it's been a lil bit longer than 2 weeks, 2 weeks and 3 days, she's been gone about that long now, and i've noticed i am a different person....and in so many ways. some good, some bad. but surprisingly, the good differences weigh out the bad ones.
alltho i do admit, since she's been out of my life, it has promt some heavy conflict of emotions(not to mention some depressing poetry). some times i just feel like laying up in my bed all day and do nothing but listen to "Blood and Fire" over and over and think, and other times i'm so happy and carefree that i call up a freind and force them to do something with me. but mostly i just sit and think to much.
speaking of "Blood and Fire" by the Indigo Girls, that is like the song of my life at the moment. no other song could possible describe my life this past month better. not unless i wrote it myself(which at the rate i've been writing, i wouldn't be too surprised if i did).
writing. something else that's come out of this whole "experiance". i wrote more poems in the months of May alone than i had in 4 years. all surrounded around her.
ya know, i just realized that anyone reading this(besides the select few people who know what i'm talking about) have absolutly no freakin idea what i'm talking about. or better yet, who i'm talking about. they have no clue who "she" is. well, i suppose i could dive into that whole saga, but i don't think i'm going to...but only to protect "her" privacy. and mine as well i suppose. let's just say i was quote invovled end quote with somebody who had some....problems....and i wasn't ready for them all, even tho i thought i was. thus, i was having emotional problems and they just kinda took over my life, and i couldn't handle it. so long story short, my parents decided to get involved and plucked "her" out of my life for good and i havn't talked to her sense. and let's just say it's totally turned my life in a whole new direction. a total 360*. and i'm just now getting used to it.
maybe that's why i put this whole "journal" page up in the first place. sometimes i just need a place where i can come and ramble, and not actually have somebody on the other end of the rambling to tell me how pathitic i am. why i'm putting it up and out there on the net for everyone to see is another question intierly. quite frankly, i don't know. i couldn't tell ya. but i am. and i think that's enuff rambling for one night.

Entry #2
6-4-99 12:56 a.m.
Corbin
so it's almost 1 in the morning and this damn country internet access company isn't connecting to the internet. thus, i have nothing to cure my insomniac boredem. well, nothing besides writing. or typing i suppose. rambling perhaps....yes. i think i'll ramble a bit:
i had a most intersting day today. wasn't online once. i went to the lake that's behind my Grandparent's cabin for the day. i water skied more than i ever had in my life. and better too. i think i skied half the length of that damn lake(it's a big lake too. Laurel Lake...check yer maps people!). and the best part is i'm not sore one bit. well, yet. i didn't wipe out like i did on memorial day. so i'm not expecting to be all that sore. i am a lil sunburned tho. but nothing major.
mom called this evening. she says she's worried about me. i guess i can understand where she's coming from. she thinks that i'm still talking to "her" on the internet. but she doesn't need to worry. one, i don't even think she has the internet anymore. and besides, even if she did i don't think i'd talk to her if i had the oppertunity to. alltho her AIM screenname did pop up on my buddy list last night. freaked me the fuck out. i was talking to my friend Kat and next thing i know i'm just sitting there, staring at my buddy list, like it was a dream or something. i was absolutly amazed. i don't know why really... i mean, it's not like i'd never seen her screenname on my buddy list before. but maybe the thing was that i hadn't seen it since then. maybe that's why it freaked me out so much. i'm such an idiot though. i just sat there, staring at her screenname on my buddy list for a full five minutes, before i even thought about what i should do. should i IM her? should i wait and see what happens? what the hell should i do?? i had had thoughts of singing on one day and having her screenname sitting there on my buddy list. waiting. but i figured it was all in my head. that would never really happen. ha. well, it happened. and i was an idiot and i IM'ed her. thank the fucking lord she dissapeared as soon as i sent the damn thing. but the thing is...the instant message got through. wether she saw it or not, it got through. and i'm kicking myself now for sending it cuz now i'll never know if she actually saw it er not. all i know it that it got through. why oh why couldn't it just said, "User not available" ?? that would of made things so much easier on me. oh well. i didn't let my mom know about that though. she prolly woulda had a *kaniption fit* if i told her.
but she was rather excited about my new hair cut.
speaking of my hair-- i'm just starting to realize how much i adore this cut. it's so much easier. so much cooler. and so much lighter. and this is the first time in my life where i can let my hair dry naturally and i don't have to worry about it curling up and going freaky on me. it actually drys straight itself. ahhh! i'm loving this!
i'll have to get a picture scanned of my new du soon.
Kat really wants to see it.
and i really want to see Kat. so it looks like that will work itself out nicely.
i also realized today that i think way too much.
and i miss my friends. i miss my room. my house. my father. my mother. my city. everything. i mean, i love coming down here to Corbin to see my Grandparents and go out on the lake everyday and spending all night online, but i miss Louisville terribly. maybe it's all these hicks....they are just driving me insane. the only reason i wanted to come down here in the first place was to get my hair cut. and to water ski.
i've decided that i love to ski. it's now my favorite sport. if water skiing is even considered a sport. it's my new favorite hobbie. how about that? i guess hobbie would be better than sport, don't you think? i don't know why. maybe it's because i'm actually good at it. plus it's a nice lil workout, and you really don't have to do anything but hold onto a rope. sounds good to me!
wow. this entry has gotten rather long hasn't it? and it's only been 15 minutes since i started typing. i guess i just don't want to shutup cuz i have nothing else to do but go to bed if i close this entry now. since fucking 2geton.net is deciding to be a pain in my ass and not work tonight. i wanted to send Alison some mail before i went to bed.
i miss her too....but i always miss her cuz she's not just three hours away like all the other things i miss. she's like 3 days away. oh well. i hope she gets to come up here again to see me in July. that would just make my whole summer. especially if she comes here to Corbin. we can go out on the lake. rent jetskis. go hiking. smoke in the woods. strip for all the raccoons(ha!). stay up all night and then get up at the crack of dawn to watch the sun rise over the trees. plus i know being with her will make all these country bumpkins a little more barable. shit. i just looked down at my ankle and i have dried blood all over it. how the hell did that happen? aw fuck me... i have dried blood spots on my white Nataile Merchant shirt. gr. just what i need. hm. those spots on my shirt couldn't of possibly came from my ankle....oh. my arm. i should really let that scab heal over....
well now i'm just kinda of typing whatever i'm thinking, and i just happened to be talking to myself, and i was typing it. oh well. i'll leave that in so you can take a lil dip into how my mind works. minus all the screaming and noise that goes on that it.
so i'm pretty sure this'll be the longest journal entry of them all, so i'll stop rambling now and save room for other entries. i need to go clean up all this blood anyways....

home. home at last.
you have no idea just how good it is to be back home in Louisville.
i've seen so many people i know from school and other places out and about just in the past two days than i have the whole year.
it's insane!
i guess maybe i should apologize for not writing in this thing fer a while. i've been kinda busy.
but then again i guess there's really no need to apologize cuz it's not like anyone actually comes here everyday egerlly awaiting my thoughts and rambles.
but who knows.
i'm apologizing regardless.
so i'm listening to a tape that i haven't listened to for a long while.
a tape that has many memories attached.
not to mention some pretty rockin musik.
i think it's funny how you can go so long without thinking about someone you used to not be able to go a second without them popping into yer head...and then out of the blue decide to listen to a tape, and then memories just start flooding back.
okay, so maybe that's not all that odd or funny. pretty normal i guess.
but it's a good change from what i've been thinking about recently...so for that i'm grateful.
(just to yer restless minds, it's *the other side of mud...*, not like that means anything to most of you.)
so i had a most awsome dream last night.
or this morning rather.
after going to bed at about 3:30(i was having i personal queer movie double-feature. wooha!) i was so rudley awoken by a phone call from my mum at 8:30.
but anyways, i went back to bed shortly afterwards and that's when this most awsome dream occured. it was odd, like all my dreams, but most very very awsome...and even made sense in some parts, which is rare for me. so anyways, i was in this room with a whole shitload of people waiting for some famous people to come in from outside. there's cameras flashing everywhere and people with autograph books and cameras eagerly awaiting to catch a glimpse, get a autograph or maybe even a picture of some celebrity. so a few famous people come through these red doors and the crowds flock to them, a few lucky ones getting to pose with them for a picture er something.
meanwhile, while everybody is over on the right side of this big red room drooling all over these two celbrities who walked in, i'm over on the other side with a few others who are talking, with my autograph notebook and camera.
nothing seems to be happening and everybody on that side of the room is about to leave when i see one of the big red doors slowly start to open. i keep a keen eye out for others, but nobody else seems to notice. so i inch closer to the door hoping to catch the first glimpse and get my autograph and picture first.
then to my surprise, Natalie Portman walks through the door, kinda looking like she didn't really want to be there, but she was regardless. (note: for those of you who don't know who i'm talking about [shame on you!], Natalie Portman is the actress who plays Queen Animalda er whoever of the Naboo in the new Star Wars movie....also know as the handmaiden Padme. she's a major major hottie.) she's all alone and nobody else seems to notcie she came in, but me, absolutly loving Natalie Portman, go up to her slowly with this big goofy grin on my face and i ask her for her autograph and stuff. and she's kinda hesitant, and keeps on looking around, like she's looking for somebody, but she takes the book and signs it. and right as she's about to leave i stop her and nervously ask if she would be so kind as to pose for a picture of the two of us. she looks around again, kinda nervous, wraps her arm around my waist, tight, and pulls me over to the side of the room by the staircase, where there's not a lot of people, smiles and is like, "sure". so we scruch together so i can take the picture of the two of us. and i notice that my hands are around her waist rather tightly. i don't know if i ever took the picture er not...we kept moving around and getting resituated. but i think i eventually took the picture.
so now it the part that's a lil fuzzy. but i think we spent the whole night kinda dancing and talking in this same room with all the people, celebrities, camera and newly added music. it was odd though. nobody really made a big fuss over her the whole night. nobody really even noticed her. excpet for me, of course.
so now it's the next day and we're somehow transported to her house and there's my English Teacher from last year, Mrs. Jansen (?!?). she's busily sweeping up the house and just talking and talking (about what, i have no idea), and me and Natalie are just standing there in the foyer, our arms wrapped around eachother's waists. so finally Mrs. Jansen shuts up and i'm all asking for Natalie's number and stuff cuz i guess i had to go er something. so she's like, "here, how about you give me yours instead". so i get down on my knees and start writing down my number on a white piece of paper, using Natalie's bare stomach as something to write on(don't ask me why....it was just like that!). and one thing i remeber very vividly was that the black ink was very sqwiggly and everything cuz Natalie was very built and she kept breathing, talking and laughing while i was writing.
more fuzzy parts i can't really remember......
so now we are upstairs in her house and it's nighttime and everybody is asleep. we're giggling and laughing and stuff and we hear her dad get up so we run to the bathroom and hide in the bathtub. to our surprise her dad comes in the bathroom and turns on the shower. so something happens and i've got the curtin all wrapped around me and suddenly everybody's naked (?!). her dad leaves cuz he thinks she's in the shower and somehow doesn't see my legs flailing out infront of me as i slip and fall.
okay...so here is where i got kinda confused. up to that point, i had thought that i was me int he dream. like, i was myself and not somebody else er anything. my body, my voice, my everything. but i guess not cuz when i fell down naked and everything, Natalie was kinda shocked that i was a chick. go figure.
but anyways, we're sitting there in the tub with the water running, talking and stuff. and you know the scene in *Bound* where Violet has Corky in her apartment for the first time and she's seducing her and everything? being all smooth and stuff? well, that's kinda sorta what was going on between me and Natalie. she was Violet and i was Corky. long story short, i end up making love to Natalie right there in the bath. so after that the dream got kinda odd(like it wasn't already?) and we went to my old middle school, and my grandparetns and these Indian people who were supposed to be Natalie's parents were there...and i was shooting a T-Rex with a watergun because my laser pistol was out of ammo......and it just got really really really wierd about then. so i just got tierd of the T-Rex and wanted my Natalie back, but it wasn't happening, so i woke up.
but anyways, yeah. that was my most awsome dream i had last night.
i had a most interesting dream the other night which i really wanted to write about, but sumthin came up and i didn't have time, and now i have not a clue as to what i dreamed about.
i hate when that happens.
but yeah, i've been meaning to write about a lot of things here recently, but i just haven't had the time. who knew my summer was actually consist of doing things? not i.
like a few days ago i was thinking(what else is new?) and i figured out some stuff out.
first off: i realized that not a minute goes by where i don't think about "her".
but here's the thing: it's not like a "god i miss her so much i want her back i love her" type thing i would think about.
it was just like certin converstaions we had would alluva sudden pop into my mind and that would lead to another converstaion and so on and so on. but not once had i said to myself, "i miss her, i want her back, or i still love her".
not once.
(okay, so maybe once er twice, but not anytime recently.)
so i'm thinking that's a good thing. that i can still have my memories and still think about her, but not have any of "those" feelings come up.
the only feelings that seem to come up when thinking about her are anger and hate.
which i hate, because we parted on good terms(well, as good as you can get in that situation).
it wasn't till afterwards when her exgirlfriend had emailed me all this shit about her.
shit that i really didn't want to know.
shit like she was cheating on me.
telling her that she was still in love with her.
shit like that.
and the worst part of it all?
it all checks out....
everything her ex told me(well, lots of it) is all backed up with solid proof and info.
and it fucking kills me, not that she might of done/did that shit to me, but that i can't even confront her about it or tell her to fuck off er anything of the sort.
and i'm thinking that's the main reason i keep thinking about "her".
why i can't stop thinking about her.
there's no closure.
i mean, there was closure of our relationship becase we said our good-byes and all that sappy shit.
but now that all this "other" stuff comes up, there's no way i can ever get closure on it.
it's always going to be just lingering in the air, laughing at me.
and i hate it.
this is the only way i can even get any of this shit offa my chest and outta my head, is telling the whole fuckin world about it.
who knows. maybe she's reading this right now.
maybe she can feel all my pain and hurt and anger.
or maybe she's laughing at me.
knowing she had me wrapped around her finger.
knowing that i would do anything she asked me.
believed everything she said.
even though i had not one, not two, but three people telling me to get away, not to trust her.
telling me she was just fucking me over.
and two of those three were close friends.
and even still, i stayed.
i listened.
i believed.
and she got away with it all.
she had her fucking cake and ate it too.
(wether she kept it down or not is another question entirely....)
(fuck. that was really harsh. i'm sorry...)
and i guess maybe it's not right of me to put up all this shit about our relationship and stuff like that, because a select few of the people who might
be reading this know who i'm talking about.
but they didn't know any of her shit.
and now they might know.
and you know what?
i don't care.
i have no other way of getting through all this.
the only thing i can do is write.
and i've come to the conclusion that i'm putting all this shit out on the web in hope that she will come across it one day.
she'll read it.
and she'll know.
she'll know that i'm hurting.
and she'll know she did it to me.
she'll know every song, every poem,
her.
all her.
no one else.
and i know i'm here basiclly complaining about how she fucked me over, and fucked me up and just fucked everything...but it's not like it was all like that.
she made me happy. she made me feel like no one else. she made me take risks. made me live more.
and that's why it's so hard because the one person who made me sublimly happy and who filled a void in my life was the one who made me hurt more than anybody ever has, made me cry more than anybody has, and just fucked me up more than anybody has.
god.
why?
fuck.
i don't know.
maybe i'm all wrong.
maybe all this shit is just a *magical* misunderstanding and she really did love me.
maybe she really was true to me.
and maybe her ex just really wanted to see me hurt for some reason.
i don't know anything any more...
i just wish i could talk to her.
just once.
maybe, just maybe get some shit straight...

Entry #4.
6-15-99 9:18p.m.
Louisville.

so today was a pretty good day.
scott and i did lots of stuff together, just like mom & dad are always wanting.
we rode our bikes to the library.
got *Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe*.
inspired by renting the movie sunday and suddenly remembering it was based on a book.
people had told me that the book was a lot different from the movie and that the queerness was much more promenant.
so i'm like, hey, why not? i need a good book to read.
and i was right.
the book is good.
i'm already half way done with the thing.
Sparkle, my cat, just jumped up into my lap and is now proceeding to climb up and all over the desk.
gawd, how i missed my kitties.
especially sparkle.
he's my baby boy.
i'm starting to get worried about my brother.
he's been having some like, emotional break downs the past few days for no reason.
he's only 11, he shouldn't have a reason to start crying at the littlest thing.
like today while my, me and him were out at Big Boy eating dinner, i was telling mom how he ordered dessert for me and dad last night at Ruby Tuesday's and how cute it was and he just started to cry and was like, "you don't have to rub it in".
i was dumbfounded.
rub what in?
and then he started telling mom what an awful day he'd had with me today when he told me the whole day how much fun he was having.
and i just don't know.
i'm really starting to get worried about him.
i told mom that he should see a counsler er something so he could just talk to somebody about things.
he doesn't really have anybody he can talk to.
(like i'm one to talk. i have to talk to a computer screen for all my problems.)
but he really has some repressed emotions about something.
god only knows what.
but i think that's all i'm writing for tonight.
i'm going to go read some more about the adventures of Idgy & Ruth. :)

so today has been the most interesting day.
me and my little brother ran around downtown Louisville for 2 hours this afternoon trying to catch a bus to Six Flags KY Kingdom.
after giving up on that idea, we went to the Galleria, ate lunch and called my dad and he came and rescued us.
i also got *Mirror Ball* by Sarah McLachlan while we were there.
hm.
what else?
oh yeah...
"she" called.
infact, i just got off the phone with her not 5 minutes ago.
i'm still kinda frazzled.
i was just sitting up in my room, listening to *Mirror Ball* for the very first time, the lights were out, my vanilla insence was lit, and i was just resting comfertably on my waterbed.
about the hlafway into the 4th song, the cordless phone beside me rings.
i have not a clue as to who it would be cuz as far as everyone knew, i was supposed to be at KY Kingdom till 7 tonight, so i just like, 'hm,
wonder who that is...'
the thought didn't even cross my mind that it would be "her".
but it was.
it took me a second to process her voice, but as soon as she said 'hi', i knew.
and i started to shake.
almost uncontrolably.
it had been a month since i'd last had any contact with her at all.
one month exactly yesterday.
i was absolutly not expecting her to call today.
hell, i wasn't expecting her to call ever.
i figured the next time i would speek to her would be a few years down the line and she would have no idea who i was when i called her, and she wouldn't remember me, and i would just be like, 'wrong number' and hang up and that was the end of it.
but no.
she called me.
i still can't get over it.
when i hung up just a few minutes ago i just sat there on my bed with Sarah's voice somewhere off in the far distance.
i didn't know how to feel or what to do.
i almost started to cry.
hell, i almost started to cry while i was talking to her.
she had put me on hold for a few seconds, and *Do What You Have To Do* came on and i almost lost it.
i still don't know....
i mean, i'm glad she called me i guess.
cuz i mean, i did miss her, even if i was pissed off, bitter and angry, i still missed her.
i just don't think i let myself know it until the moment i heard her voice.
and it was so wierd, cuz ya know, i think about the girl every fucking day and today when i first put *Mirror Ball* on i was thinking, 'i wonder if she has this album yet....i wonder if she's listening to it right now...'
and guess what?
she was. she was sitting at work listening to *Mirror Ball* just as i was lying in my room listening to it.
and what's even more freaky is that we musta started it at the same time, cuz i heard her *Posession* was just a lil bit behind mine.
and another thing...
ya know how i kept wondering why i alluva sudden had an urge to listen to NIN constantly ever since "it" happened?
well, NIN found a home in her CD player around the same time.
it's so fuckin wierd.
but then again we always did have a *connection* of some kind.
i just figured that it would have died down just a tad since i hadn't been talking to her or anything of the sort.
guess not.
i lit a candle for her & her mother last night for the first time in a few weeks.
(there were no candles down in Corbin...)
it felt wierd though, because it was the same candle i used to always light for her when we were together.
(i started using a different one for like, energy and karma reasons and stuff after we broke up)
even though it still felt wierd talking to her again, after the shaking subsided, it was just like it used to be.
we laughed, i made fun of her accent, and we even got serious for a second er two.
she says she's going to gimmie a call tomorrow sometime during the day.
i'm not sure if that's a good idea yet er not.
i know both our mothers would murder us if they knew we had talked to eachother...
mine inparticular.
but i mean, i don't know.
i want us still to be friends and stuff becuase she does bring such emense joy into my life the majority of the time.
and ever since we stopped talking, i'd never been as happy as i was when i used to talk to her.
i mean, yes, i was happy, but not as happy as i could possibly get.
not as happy as she made me...
oh jesus.
i'm so confused.
just yesterday i was basicly saying 'fuck you. i don't need you. you fucked up my life. blah blah fucking blah.'
and now i'm just like....well....like this.
whatever this is.
if she ever calls me from someplace besides work, i'm gonna have to bring up all this shit that i've been rambling about here.
maybe get some closure.
maybe get some anything.
maybe just let her know that i know, even if none of the shit is true.
i don't know.
her calling was good, but very bad as well.
now i'm just as confused as all hell.
and keep feeling like i'm going to cry and i don't know what the fuck for.
it's not like we got really indepth about anything today.
she was at werk fer christ's sake!
oh well.
she said she wished she could be inside my head after we hung up.
to know what i was thinking.
well, looks like this is going to be as close as yer gonna get to that video camera.

ya know, i've been reading over my entries thus far, and i've realized just how angry and hurt i was.
(maybe still am.)
and i sat there and thought for a second and had an epiffony.
(er sumfin along those lines)
maybe it's not her all this hate should be pointed at.
maybe it's her ex.
becuz not a thought of hatred had entered my mind about her until her ex sent me all the shit and told me things.
or maybe not.
maybe it's just that since i've been talking to her some old feelings came up and i'm just trying to find a scapegoat for my anger towards her.
who knows?
all i know is it didn't help one bit this afternoon when she told me she loved me.
it didn't make my stomach drop so much as it made me get really hot and stiff.
not to mention speachless and mute.
but i don't know.
i can't really go into anything right now cuz i'm gonna have to close up and go upstairs in a minute.
that's the second time that's happened today.
i couldn't go into anything with her this afternoon because she had to go in a few minutes and i slipped and said something which made her want to bring stuff up.
she said she'd call me again tomorrow.
if i get the courage up i'm gonna tell her to get off the phone with me, come here, read all this, and then call me back and we would talk.
but i doubt that's gonna happen.
i can't confront anybody about anything.
ever.
but who knows.
maybe by the grace of god i'll get brave and maybe she's reading this right now.
she told me yesterday that she had read my new poetery and she got worried about me.
that's why she called.
but she didn't check this page.
if you are reading this...please, when you call me back, all i ask of you is honesty.
i don't care if it'll hurt me, i just want the truth.
for once, i just want to know what's going on.
if our whole relationship was a lie.
whatever it is, just know that i loved you with every ounce of my heart and then some.
and maybe i still do, somewhere deep within my heart...
but i never lied to you, not once.
(with the exception of the whole *age thing*)
all i want is the truth.....

 so i'm back in Corbin. 
but only to spend the night and then it's back home to good ole Louisville fer this lil lady sometime tomorrow on Father's Day.
Scott's staying down here, so it's going to be quiet interesting being at home all by myself for the next few weeks.
prolly boring as all hell, but hey, i'll find a way to keep myself entertained.
ya know how sometimes, all yer emotions can just shift from one point to the exact opposite all in a matter of minutes? 
even all in one instant?
well, it's happened to me.
as that quote says, i'm not angry anymore.
well, not at "her" to say the least.
when she called me the other day, almost the second i heard her voice, all the anger in me settled down.
and by halfway through the conversation it was almost completly vanished.
it's amazing, these things we call emotions.
one minute you can be mad as all hell, screaming fuck you's at the top of yer lungs, then the next yer just laughing and blushing
like a madwomyn at something somebody's telling you over the phone.
it's just incredible.
so i guess lots of you out there reading this are thinking to yerself, "this chick is one sorry, confuzled lil lady".
well, that's where yer right.
i am extremely confused still.
but my anger and hatred are no longer part of this confusion.
thank god.
and now, reading over some of the things i've written in the past few days/weeks, i realize just how hurt and angry i really was.
but with all the confusion i didn't know who to aim it at.
hell, i still don't know who i should of aimed it at.
but it's just the way i was feeling at the time, and i'm not regreting anything i wrote or apologizing for it.
i'm just amazed that it was even possible for me to get like that.
to anybody.
especially her.
we talked about things yesterday afternoon.
cleared some stuff up.
apologized fer shit we never had a chance to apologize for.
i cried.
i told her how i felt.
how i truly felt.
and i think it was my first time ever telling anybody how i really and truly felt.
i told her that i was mad at her.
that i almost hated her for awhile.
i told her that i was hurt.
and it felt great.
even though i cried the whole time i was telling her, it felt great to finally, after all this time, get to
tell her all the things i'd been telling her in my head.
and we just talked.
she explained certin things to me that i asked about.
and it was wierd, but for the first time in a long time i actually believe what she was telling me
without hesitation.
cuz there would be times where i just couldn't believe certin things that she would tell me.
and i kept telling myself not to trust every single thing she said if i ever had the oppertunity to talk to her
after my birthday(that's when the whole "thing" went down).
but talking to her yesterday...i don't know.
she almost sounded like a different person.
i don't know but something about her has changed.
and for the better too.
now...all i have to do is get this *other* confusion of mine straightened out...
which will prolly be much harder than my previous confusion could ever hope to be...