. .poetry. .
this is all my most recent poetery. as you can see, May was a pretty rough month...
emotions
anger. sadness. regret. all coursing through my viens with my blood. with no outlet it all gets buried deep. never to resurface once it's packed down. and if it does? if it decideds to rear its ugly head again? i just bury it deeper. with tools to help me this time, and not just with my bare hands 5-7-99
brick
building up a wall around me brick by brick it goes up. higher. holding all my emotions in and blocking other's out. thicker. this crusty shell enclosing around me keeping me safe and locked away. one more arguement. one more hit. the last brick is layed. this wall is complete. and i'm never coming out. 5-7-99
hurt. "fuck you."
pain. "i don't need you."
suffer. "i have myself."
cut. "that's all i need."
bleed. "all i've ever had."
numb. "........."
"never again."
5-9-99
a day's thought
i sit here in the dark
thinking. thinking of days past.
of days to come.
thinking of days lost
of days remembered
of days that never happened.
thinking of days just begining, just coming
into exsistance.
and of days just ending. never to return,
lost in the abyss.
thinking of the day i'll have you in my arms,
whispering, "i love you eternally"
and of the day i'll have to let you go,
choking back the tears as i silently say
GOOD-BYE.
5-9-99
paitence
waiting.
a minute, an hour.
an eternity.
you say you'll be here.
but when?
i don't get any answers
to all the questions asked.
no comforting embrace to ease my wondering thoughts.
just waiting.
always waiting.
will i ever stop?
will you ever come?
no.
all i do is sit here
and wait.
5-9-99
*am i in heaven here....*
i see it so clearly
you, me - we're sitting on a bed.
there's no walls, floors - there is no room.
just you, me and a bed.
we sit there
so close yet so far away.
we inch closer to one another slowly
like a hunter with it's prey.
studying your body like a map
memorizing it before i venture in,
into this beautiful unkown terrian.
you leg brushes mine,
a wave is sent through my body
traveling to that spot of skin you so recently touched.
i bursh your cheek with the back of my hand
letting the warmth of your flesh sink into me.
closing my eyes i search blindly about your face
yearning for the treasure of your lips,
as a pirate yearns for gold.
finding them, claiming them,
conqouring them and taking your lips into mine.
i think i've found the promised land
heaven perhaps,
right here in your lips.
5-10-99
Happy Birthday
you see me cry.
once. twice.
three times too many.
you say, "she's sick.
unhealthy.
manipulative."
"this is the last time she's hurting you."
forbidden.
all contact with my one true love -
gone.
vanished completly at the wrath of your hand.
in one foul swoop you take everything away.
my love. my friend. my world.
my entire exsistance.
i am empty without her.
nothing but a bag of flesh holding in all the vital parts
that keep me trapped in this worthless life.
my eyes fill to the brim with salty tears,
the sound of her angelic voice
ringing like wedding bells through my mind.
taking the blade in my pale shaky hand,
i close my eyes and bring the edge to my wrist,
the thought of her face clear infront of my closed lids.
pressing down, a single tear falls.
"soon my love, we will be together..."
5-14-99
recalling that night...
sitting in the backseat of my car
enveloped in the darkness of this damp summer night.
staring out the dirty window into the black and yellow abyss of the Kroger's parking lot,
trying to focus on something else.
the radio pulsing through the speakers
is a jumble of rhythms and rhymes--
nothing but noise.
all i can focuz on is the pain of love's lost.
maybe if i write, that could take away the pain.
but i just sit and stare at the white, wide ruled paper.
the lines moving closer together until there is just one thick line
making its way through the middle of the page.
nothing but the pain of losing her...
disgusted, i toss the notebook aside and lean my weary head against the window.
my eyes stare blindly down at my arm
my flesh swirling in circles
bleeding together with the green of my shirt.
blinking once, they come back into focus.
scars previous of this night showing faintly.
agervated scabs not given time enough to heal.
i close my eyes
my nails dig deep.
one more scar won't hurt.
finally.
i can focus.
no more pain of love.
no more pain of her.
just the sight of my blood
seeping through the cracks.
5-17-99
confuzion
my emotions are scattered every which way
some are in this hole,
others in that corner.
some flew right out the window
and were carried away to distant lands with the wind.
some of them want to hate her,
some of them just want to cry.
but most of them still want to love her.
why? oh god why...
5-27-99
wondering
wondering what she's doing
where she is who she's with
if she's happy if she's sad
if she's angry and furious with the world
or in love with all the universe.
wondering if she's still healthy
or if they locked her up again
wondering if she's even alive.
wondering if she ever thinks of me
if she know i still care.
wondering if she can hear all my prayers,
if she feels the candle burning bright,
almost each and every night.
5-30-99
the smell of her hair
the taste of her lips
her cream colored skin
the feel of her hips
the sound of her voice
that look in her eyes
i can hear it already
her deep, breathy sighs.
5-30-99
. .inside.my.head. .
. .old.poetery. .
. .take.me.home. .
Copyright 1999, Jessica Houk