What do my girlfriend and Jack Daniels have in common?
They are both hard liqours.

Why can't lesbians go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time?
You can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face.

How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

Why do lesbians like whales so much?
Because they have 50 foot tongues, and air holes on the top of their heads.

Do you know what drag is?
It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends on how thin you slice them.

What do you call a thousand men at the bottom of Lake Ontario?
A good start.

Did you hear about the miracle that occured at Sunny Brook Hospital?
A child was born with a brain AND a penis.

Why do men name their penises?
They don't want to feel that a stranger is doing all their thinking.

Female comedian is being harrassed on stage by a man in the audience.
He yells, "What are you, a dyke?"
She responds with, "What are you, my alternative?"

A woman goes to the gynecologist,
and upon examination, the doctor says, "Why, it's immaculate in here! What do you do to keep yourself so hygenic?" The woman responds, "I have a woman in twice a week."

While making love, the lesbian asks her lover,
"Do you mind if I smoke while you eat?"

How do you know...
when a North Shore (read rich, insert any area that denotes upper class in your city) lesbian orgasms?
She drops her nail file...

What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

What's the difference...
between a North Shore lesbian and a car tire?
Eventually the tire will go down on you.

Advice for picking someone up in a bar.
Hint: Have a great opening line. This gives you some idea of where the conversation is leading and instills you with a false sense of confidence. "Weren't you a nun I had in high school" is good, but the best opening line goes like this: Walk up to the woman of your dreams. Brush your hands lightly about your face, and then say, "Let me clear a place for you to sit."
(Lea Delaria)

Two dykes...
are getting ready to beat up this guy who was insulting them. The first one says, "I get to beat him up." And the second one says, "Hey, I get to beat him up, I'm the butch one!" The first one replies, "Oh yeah? Well, if you're the butch one, how come I have to kill all the cockroaches?"

So there's this dermatologist, see.
And he goes in to work one day, and his first patient comes in and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My boyfriend refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love, and now I have this horrible rash." She takes off her shirt, and sure enough, there's a big red itchy rash in the form of an H on her chest.
The doctor says, "This is interesting, I've never seen anything quite like it before. I wonder why it occured in such an unusual shape."
"He goes to Harvard," she says.
"Ah, that would explain it," he says. He prescribes some calamine lotion and sends her on her way."
The next patient comes in and says, "Doctor, I hope you can help me with this rash. It's a little embarrasing, but it's driving me crazy."
She takes off her shirt, and displays a big, itchy, red rash in the shape of a Y. The doctor raises his eyebrows. "It's my boyfriend," she explains.
"He goes to Yale, and is so into his new letter sweater that he never takes it off, even when we're making love. Is there anything you can do?"
The doctor prescribes calamine lotion and sends patient number 2 on her way. The third patient comes in and ays, "Doctor, you've got to help me!" She takes off her shirt, and there on her chest is a big, itchy, red rash in the shape of an M.
"Don't tell me," says the doctor. "Your boyfriend goes to MIT, and refuses to take off his letter sweater when you make love."
The patient looks at him with surprise. "Close," she says. "My girlfriend goes to Wellesley."

On the shaving of legs
There are four general types of women in the world
(a) Women who shave their legs and are heterosexual
(b) Women who shave their legs and are not heterosexual
(c) Women who do not shave their legs and are heterosexual
(d) Women who do not shave their legs and are not heterosexual

Then of course there are variations, such as women who are questioning their sexual orientation, and women who only shave their legs in the summer. Does this clear up your question? Good.

Have you heard...
about the new lesbian tennis shoe called "Dyke"? (pronounced DIKEE)
Yeah! It has an extra long tongue and it only takes one finger to get it off!

Shelly Robert's RULES for the correct Lesbian
A lesbian drinks out of a glass. A dyke pops a top.
A lesbian buys real estate. A dyke rents.
A lesbian keeps stock in the safety deposit box. A dyke puts it back out on the shelf.
A dyke on bike owns a Harley. A lesbian owns a Schwinn.
A dyke's tattos dont rub off. A lesbian's don't show.
A lesbian brunches. A dyke drives-through.
A lesbian has acquaintances. A dyke has buddies.
A dyke buys Playboy over the counter. A lesbian has a subscription.
None of a lesbian's earrings are made from parts in her tool box.
A lesbian drives a Porsche. A dyke commands a Camaro.
A lesbian has her ears pierced. A dyke always goes further. Way further.
A dyke can actually say the word dildo.
A lesbian can pass.
You can always tell a dyke. But not much.
A lesbian cooks. A dyke defrosts.
A dyke makes dinner. A lesbian makes reservations.
A lesbian entertains at home. A dyke has a regular stool.
A lesbian networks. And chats. A dyke shows up.
A lesbian serves canapes. A dyke feeds you from a can o'peas.
A dyke has a tool belt. A lesbian has a tooled belt.
A dyke will drink from the hose. A lesbian sprays Evian to set her makeup.
A dyke believes she looks good in an eight dollar haircut.
A lesbian plays games. A dyke watches them.
A dyke plays softball. A lesbian plays hardball.
Or was it the other way around....?
.......Shelly Roberts

And Indina's rules...
A lesbian feels lonely on sundays. A dyke enters the video-shop. Adults corner.
A lesbian writes love letters. A dyke phones her long-distance lover. From her ex's place.
A lesbian studies ethnology. A dyke books a flight to join the San Francisco pride.
A lesbian says "I'd just *love* to seduce KD" (lang, that is...). A dyke says "Ey, way cool chick!"
A lesbian loves to discuss about her relationships. A dyke starts a new one.
A lesbian uses her mouse to click on pretty, cute icons. A dyke screws her keyboard... aaalldaylong!
A lesbian invites her partner's family - for dinner. A dyke has credit at the chinese takeaway.
A lesbian *adores* reading. A dyke collects zines.
A lesbian keeps her vibrator in a nicely smooth velvet bag. "Damn - can't find it!" grumbles the dyke, heading under her matress.
A lesbian likes to call herself amazon. A dyke gives a damn for labels.
Ok, Johnny Walker, maybe...?
(fin)

You know you're a dyke when....

You change your truck oil more often than your bed sheets.
The thought of wearing a dress or anything pink makes you want to vomit.
Comfortable is more important than fashionable, in fact what is fashionable?
You look like a cross between a member of the cast of prisoner cell block H and Shakin Stevens.
You begin to shake when you have to hold your gf's purse.

�� If you got any lesbian jokes, don't hesitate to send it to me!