Before anyone comes out of the closet they go through a long and lonely stage of denial. People in this stage have a myriad of questions running through their head--"What's wrong with me?" "Why can't I just be normal?" "Why am I the only one that has to feel this way?" "Why can't I just like girls like everyone else." "Why did God make me this way?"

They do everything possible to try and become what they think is normal. They date members of the opposite sex, they have sex with them, and some will even marry them, all in vain hopes that somehow, someday, these feelings will go away and they will be able to live a happy, normal life.

Of course the feelings don't go away and usually this adds insult to injury causing the person to gain a hatred of homosexuals because they hate the fact that they too have been branded with these feelings. The idea of a closeted, gay, homophobic individual may seem quite odd but it happens over and over again. They don't want to acknowledge their own homosexual feelings so they lash out at anyone else who embraces their own. Although they do this in hopes of proving to everyone else that they aren't any different, it only harms themselves because they end up hating themselves even more for their feelings. It's at this point that so many gay teenagers kill themselves.

It's very depressing to believe that you're the only going through something. It's hard to not have anyone to talk to. It's even more difficult to feel that no one understands.

During this low period in the life of a closeted gay person, they will often take a hard step and seek out help. Some turn to ex-gay ministries such as Exodus International or Homosexuals Anonymous. These ministries add fuel to the individuals self-hating fire by telling them of their great need to change. As one worker at an ex-gay ministry told someone struggling with homosexuality, "I'd rather see you commit suicide now while I know you're trying to change than to see you return back to the gay lifestyle and risk the fires of hell." Over and over again they are told that they can change and because they sincerely want to change they pray hard for that change to come, but it never does. In recent years these ex-gay ministries have stopped trying to get homosexuals to change orientation and are now trying to get homosexuals to live a celibate life, despite the fact that their own religion tells them that it's not good for man to be alone.

Other gay men and women are able to find organizations that help them through their feelings and help them see that there is nothing wrong with them. They are told, for probably the first time in their life, that there is nothing wrong with the feelings they are having.

But no matter which route they take, eventually most gay men and women realize that this is who they are and there is nothing they can do about it. They have finally come out to themselves about being gay. Some people enter this stage with great depression and others enter this stage with great joy. But the question that comes with it is almost always the same: "Now what do I do?"

Coming out to yourself is a big step. If the individual has other people that he or she can talk to during this stage it is always a big help. But with or without the support of others the individual will be forced to wrestle with a lot of questions. Should they tell anyone? What will happen when my parents find out? How do I meet other people that understand me?

In addition to all the questions, the individual will often have conflicting thoughts battling in the mind. "I really want a boyfriend?" "Am I ready to have a boyfriend?" "Do I want to spend the rest of my life in a relationship with another man?" "I so want to get married to a man who loves me." "I don't want my parents to disown me." "But I don't want to keep lying to my parents either."

These questions lead to hours of introspection, thoughts, and prayer. Even those who never thought they believed in God find themselves praying. "God's the only one who understands."

As the individual sorts through their own feelings a sense of pride eventually takes form. "This is the way I was created." "This is who I am!" "I am gay."

Going from acknowledging that you really are gay to embracing your sexuality can take a while. For people with a fairly high self-esteem the bridge may not take long at all. For others it can take years. It's between these two stages when one is officially in the closet because it's during this time that they are the likely to hide the fact that they are gay from the rest of the world. After embracing ones own sexuality, the next step is to get out of the closet. When someone has finally taken pride in who they are, they eventually feel they should be honest with everyone else about who they are. Choosing who to tell can take some time. We don't live in a perfect world and coming out to some people can have negative consequences. People get fired from their jobs, kicked out of the homes, beaten up.

When one is just coming out of the closet they throw out a lot of feelers to try and find people who may be sympathatic or who at least will not respond too negatively. Coming out to someone who's very homophobic is not exactly the best choice for a person whose just starting to come out. So they ask questions and listen carefully to your replies. "What do you think of the southern baptist boycott?" "Did you hear they're trying to legalize gay marriage in Vermont?" If they hear that person respond negatively or spin off with some homophobic joke or comment then the individual isn't likely to open up that part of their life to that person. If the person seems understanding or at least tolerant of homosexuals then the person will likely take the hard and often scarry step of telling them that they are gay. They've come out of the closet to another person.

Leaving the closet totally behind can be very hard and take a long time. Perhaps the hardest part of the coming out process is telling the people that you are closest to that you are gay. People still don't always understand homosexuality. Homophobia is a harsh reality. Not everyone is understanding. Not everyone is even tolerant. Coming out to those people can be extremely difficult. Eventually though, most people do come to the point where they feel a great need to be honest about who they are. It's on that day that they finally say goodbye to the pain and loneliness that the closeted live brings and they step into a new world, a world where you can be who you are.