Monday, September 13th, 1999 - Remodled Room
I don't know what it is, but when my room is disorganized, my life feels like it's disorganized and when my room is clean and perfectly in order, I'm generally in a good mood and have everything in order. Room disorganized, life disorganized. Room organized, life organized.
Now, I don't know why, or which came first. Perhaps when I see my room messy, I get depressed. Or perhaps when I'm depressed I let my room get messy. But cleaning my room always (always) puts me in a better mood. Now, I can't always make myself clean my room, but when I do, I generally put myself in a better mood. So, anyways, guess what I did?
No, I didn't clean my room, I cleaned my sister's room. My sister moved out at the beginning of this year, so I've sort of taken over her room. It started that I put my computer in here. Then I brought in my hampster. Then I brought in my TV. What can I say, her room is twice as big as mine and she's not living here anymore! Well, Friday she took her waterbed out of the room to take to her apartment, and so now I have this excellent open space, and I decided to clean majorly. Took everything of hers and put it in boxes. She's gonna be pissed when she finds her stuff downstairs in boxes, but it was my mother's suggestion you know. I took down her posters, even the pictures of cute guys--not because I didn't think they were cute, but they didn't fit with the feel I was going for. Now I have a roll-away bed in here, and I took my desk from my room and put it in here for my tv and got rid of the big ugly card table. It took a few days to get it all cleaned, sweeped, sorted, boxed, organized, and decorated, but I'm very happy with how it turned out. I don't care for the purple carpet, but it's okay. And now... my room is a total mess. I said how I took my desk out of my room and brought it in here... Well, I threw everything out of my desk and onto my bed and everything on my floor is just scattered everywhere. It is a disaster area, literally, it's terrible. So, before I'm in a totally 100% up&up mood, I'll have to clean that room. That's my project for tomorrow! Oh, also, I got my VCR back from Wards where it was being fixed and my mom let me take hers from the living room (isn't she nice) and I finally got the dubbing to work, so I've been going non-stop recording my favorite videos from Morris' Classic Video. I haven't watched them all even, but I'm recording them. Just so I can have them I guess. Someday (soon?!?) I want to move out to a place of my own. But I'm happy with this room, I have Jesus looking over my shoulder, (on a wooden crucifix, glued to a CDR, which is glued to the wall.. just my avant decorating style). Oh yeah, I also got a hair cut today. Cleaning up in any way makes me happied, so getting a hair cut helps as well. Though I wasn't too impressed with the job they did, so next time I'll probably go somewhere else, but it's a new haircut, so I'm in a better mood. Now I just need to quit eating these god-awful snacks, eat healthy and be happy.
Tuesday, September 14th, 1999 - Unorganized Thoughts.
I didn't finish cleaning my bedroom today, but I did get a good start on it. At least my floor is fairly clean and my magazine stack is sorted and old magazines have been set aside to be trashed. Now I just have to work on my bed and my closet. --- AIDS Ministries didn't call me today. The Center for the Homeless called me and asked if I had heard from AIDS-M and made my decision, but AIDS-M didn't call me. They said they want to interview me tomorrow, but they haven't told me a time yet! Geesh, it's annoying. I want to know where I'm going by the end of this week and be started by Monday! If they don't call tomorrow I guess I'll call them one more time and then if it takes much longer I'll just go with the Center for the Homeless, I know I would enjoy myself there too, I was just hoping to hear about them both before making a year-long committment to one. --- Today wasn't very productive, I was really tired. Slept until noon (when CFH called), watched a movie, did some cleaing, and then took a 3 hour nap, woke up watched the second episode of Will and Grace (I was so mad I missed the first episode--that is my favorite show!) and then watched the Real World, went to the video store to return a movie, and that's it. --- Oh happy news, in the mail today I got my first check from alladvantage and it was for $76.35!! And, not only that, but I got an update about my world vision child that I'm sponsoring. And a color picture was enclosed. He's so cute, kids are so cute. The law is just not going to stop me from adopting children when I get married (or "committed" if the laws haven't changed)... I will find a way. But right now, my food is burning up. A Vegan Burrito and Onion Rings.
Wednesday, September 15th, 1999 - Job Offer 2, The Decision.
South Bend AIDS Ministries (http://www.aidsministries.org/) called this morning to set up a time for an interview this afternoon. I went to the interview at 3 pm. They want to hire me for their computer tech position. I would be in charge of the network, making sure everything is running properly, installing new hardware and software, adding computers and new printers to the current system, checking for y2k compliance, answering staff questions, keeping the web page updated and looking good, thinking of new ways to merge everything together to make the system more efficient for what it needs to do, and anything else I or they can think of to keep me working full time there. I would be honored to be working with South Bend AIDS Ministries. They're a great organization, doing excellent work with and for the South Bend/Elkhart community. I think I would enjoy the job. They told me to give them a call letting them know this week whether I want the job or not. -- But I was also recently offered a job with the South Bend Center for the Homeless (http://www.center-for-homeless.org/). I've done a lot of thinking and I'm going to take the position with the Center for the Homeless. Though I would love working with either organization, my calling seems to be with the homeless. Working at the front desk will put me right in the very center of everything. After a year of working with the Center for the Homeless I think I'll have a very good and honest view of homelessness. I'll give all the organizations a call tomorrow when I get up and tell them of my decision.
Thursday, September 16th, 1999 - Working Man
Well, as soon as I got out of bed (which wasn't until 12:30) I called The Center for the Homeless to accept their position. Beth Morelock (the director) was not in, her voice mail said she'll be out of town until Tuesday, but I left a message informing her that I would love to work there if she'll still have me. I then called the South Bend Americorp offices to tell the director that I was accepting a position, and I have an appointment with him Monday afternoon to fill out the needed paperwork. Finally I called the Elkhart Envirocorp to tell them that I wasn't going to be taking the VISTA position. The director there was out of her office as well, so I left her a message too. I didn't call AIDS Ministries yet to tell them that I won't be working there yet, but I'll do that soon. -- After that the day just pretty much went by uneventful. I cashed my AllAdvantage check, so now I have $76 to my name. (If you're reading this and you don't know what AllAdvantage is, you need to go to the special thanks page and read about it, so you can start getting free money too!). Then about 5 I fell asleep for several hours (I was reading... on my bed... with dim lights... I was tired... I was out soon) until Derek called. I went over to his place and hung out about 9 pm and just got back (1 am). We watched a movie called Brainscan which was pretty wierd, about a kid who gets a video game that causes him to murder people. I brought my Furby along cause he's been wanting to see it... his dog was scared of it. But anyways, no deep thoughts today, just a normal sun-up, sun-down, world-spins-by kinda day.
Friday, September 17th, 1999 - Workitout
Well, I've been going to the gym for over a month now. Three times a week for about an hour. My workout has progressed from one set of several machines to two sets of each and now to three sets of each with the weight progressing on each. I start with 15 minutes on the treadmill to warm up, and then do 45 leg ups and 75 crunches followed by 6 different machines and ended with 15 minutes on the treadmill to cool down. I'm mainly working my chest and stomach area right now because that's where I need the most work. So far I've missed twice, once because I was out of town and once because I was too busy. I enjoy going though. It's costing me $31/month, after two years it will only be $25/year. It's a male-only gym, which I don't have a problem with. When I first told my mom is was male-only she said "that's no fun, how are you going to meet girls." I rolled my eyes, she didn't know that I wasn't exactly into girls at that time. But I don't really think the gym is that great of a place to meet people anyways. Though there are some good looking men there. But hey I do try to control my wondering eyes. But I'm glad I'm going. It will be a (long) while before I look like I want to look, but at least I'll feel good getting there. Now I just need to perfect my eating habits.
Saturday, September 18th, 1999 - Discretely Mailed
I've been buying The Advocate and XY Magazine faithfully for nearly 5 months at newstand prices. They're excellent magazines. The Advocate is the gay equivalent of Newsweek magazine and is published biweekly. XY Magazine's just a fun magazine for teens and twentysomethings, published monthly. But the thing is I could save a lot of money if I subscribed. So I was going online to find deals for subscription prices or free offers or what not. I can't afford to subscribe right now, but I'll be starting a job soon hopefully and next month I'm estimating I'll get a check for over $150 from AllAdvantage, so by next month I should be able to shell out the needed money for both magazines. But something bothers me--sort of. The ads say they are "mailed discretely" in plain brown envelopes. I understand why they do this. Many subscribers live in homophobic environments. If a parent found his son reading a copy of XY Magazine they would as good as be outted. But it's sad. We brown envolope things we're embarrased by. Pornography is "mailed discretely" because people don't want to be known by the porn they read. "Hey, neighbor I decided to bring up your mail for you. I see you have a new issue of S&M Babes Monthly." But should we be ashamed to be reading The Advocate? My god, it's a political news magazine. But yes, I understand, and I'm not going to complain because I know what it's like to be closet--I guess I just wish the world was a better place. I wish people weren't so afraid of us. "You say it's sick, immoral, and wrong. I say it's just love." What's there to hate? Why should our lives be stamped with the words "mail discretely"?
Sunday, September 19th, 1999 - AIDS (Sleep) Walk
Today was the Michiana AIDS Walk to raise awareness and money for AIDS reasearch and support. I didn't go. I wanted to go. I wanted to sign up, raise money, walk the 3 miles. I was ready--at least I was ready two weeks ago. But with everything I procrastinated until it was too late. I was even over at AIDS Ministries earlier this week, but because I was nervous I forgot to ask for the info. I am a little bit pissed at myself for not doing anything. I watch a movie like Philadelphia or And The Band Plays On and I'm hit with the reality of how severe AIDS and HIV are, but what am I doing? Nothing. Well, World AIDS Day is December 4th, I'm going to do something. I don't know what yet, but something. Now, I say that knowing full well that my word doesn't mean a lot, I'll get busy and back out, but I'm writing out my committment now so I can at least say "Look, you screwed up again" if I do. But I really would like to do something, web oriented maybe. My mother was saying something like 800 people
from Elkhart have died of AIDS to date. It's so sad. I recieved a mailing from some AIDS Research group asking for money and they sent me a little sticker that says "AIDS. 1980 - Confusion. 1985 - Hysteria. 1990 - Ignorance. 1999 - Complacency" followed by "This may be the most dangerous time yet." AIDS is old news and people don't care about it, but it hasn't gone away. Funding for AIDS Research has gone away, but AIDS is still attacking. It's not a gay issue because AIDS doesn't discriminate, but because of the semen transmision in gay sex we are at large risk. Someone sent me the url http://www.yoderanium.com/webhome/aidscuresfags/ recently. The sites slogan: "Homosexuality is the disease. AIDS is the cure." I asked them if they included lesbians within their definition of fag, because it doesn't seem to hit their community as high as the gay male, and straight community. There is so much ignorance out there. But then who am I to
talk--I've never been tested for HIV. I sincerely doubt I have AIDS, but I should get tested sometime--even though I've never had sex, never used IV drug needles, and never had a blood transfusion. I'm at very low risk right now, despite the fact that I'm gay. Nevertheless, I know that the minute I become sexually active that my risk level will shoot up even with protection. How many movies have I seen with the now-almost-cliche line "Oh no, the condom broke." Well, anyways, I gotta quit saying I'm going to do something and do something. I missed the AIDS Walk, but I don't have give up on doing anything.
Sunday, September 19th, 1999 Part 2 - I Bow and Pray To The Unnamed Thee
I did make it to church this morning despite the fact that I stayed up reading "The Naked Issue" of Instinct Magazine until 3:30. (It's a pretty good magazine btw, first time I bought a copy. Very funny writers. But too much sex talk.) Church was good. Impromptu sermon sunday (audience gives topic, pastor speaks). And we had communion. It's odd signing hymnal songs when you have trouble believing the message behind the song. "Jesus has risen" comes out odd when you aren't sure what you even think of Jesus let alone of his deity let alone of his resurrection. Yeah I still believe in God. There's just something in me that makes me believe. I can't explain this something, any more than I can explain why I'm attracted to guys. I just am attracted to guys. I just do believe in God. It's in me, and I can't explain it. But the Jesus thing, the Bible thing, the Christiandom thing, does not come naturally to me. I don't "just believe" in Christ like I just believe in God. I don't know why. I can't
really explain my unbelief any more than my belief. I can tell you 101 reasons why I don't believe in the inspiration of the scripture right now. I can give you 32 reasons why I doubt the deity of Christ. But I can't answer for the inner must. I think I will write that article on why I believe in God tonight. It's a very tough article to write since I really don't know why, but I gotta write it. I have to try. Oh by the way my church, Central Reconcilling United Methodist Church now has a homepage up, go visit them at http://www.gbgm-umc.org/sbcentral/. Then you can see what my church looks like and what my pastor looks like, and more importantly what the church believes in and stands up for.
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