"Lately the conditions have been perfect for growing mushrooms. When we are walking or riding we come across large numbers of them under the pines. A lot of people come to pick them but I have never been brave enough to pick and eat them myself. Even with the aid of a good book I am worried about picking and eating something poisonous. But I have been given some advice by mushroom pickers I met while riding. Insects don�t eat poisonous mushrooms. If there are insect burrows in the mushrooms, they are safe for human consumption.

So in other words; you either eat bugs, or you eat poison. Life�s just all about choices isn�t it."

A delayed observation I never got to pursue. It was a damp muggy week.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 9:01 PM.

I thought I had a one-track mind.

Now I know it.

Not even mentioning the fact that I'm worried about CB episodes and movies. My friend, who shall now remain anonymous, is goin through some tough times. Tough times breed strong souls, so I'll all for it. I often see more good things happen in bad times than vice versa. I made a friend, or should I say, confirmed one. There are those aquaintances who sorta hover in between for the longest time, and while time should not be considered a variable in any circumstances of friendship (esp by itself), some people think it does. But I've seen what I wanted to, and crusted a new friendship I'm proud of. It is what it is, no more, no less. Delievers on time, what is should, and no false advertisments. Love how the British say "adVERtisments". Also love how I worded that paragraph up there. And the Sobakasu in english and japanese.

Like that new identity, the Watcher. Not even an identity. An identity for the identity, that's what it is.

Gotta finish the iambic pantameter. And study grammer. And vocab.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 12:06 AM.

Sometimes I think repeating things over to myself will eventually motivate me to fix the bad and replace it with the new and better, but it doesn't always happen. In fact, I haven't seen it happen once in the last 3 years. know the school had something to do with it, whether they intended the change or not had nothing to do with it. The damage had been done and all I can do now is look at how to fix it. But part of the damage was that I lost my ability to sense, fix, and want to change my problems. I don't want to become a better person. What I want now is to become the person I had once been and stop. No improvement. I want time to stand still there, where I would once take joy in the rush of being the best. Some of it stems from the fact that time put me behind. No matter how fast you can run, if you sit down on the track and the other person runs ahead of you, there'll be no way to beat him on the track.

My side-tracked mind: ...unless action is taken and you cheat. Consequences will be sorely dealt, and you will pay your due. That's a kind of person that I would've once had no problem becoming but now restricts me today, and I don't know why. I loved believing in every action I did, being responsible and bound to no one, facing the consequences for what I knew was right. But do I know what's right?

I feel worse and worse about myself. I can't help it. All that is important to me is that I remember that the school is the one responsible for changing my ideals. I can't say ruining or corrupting, for the fact that I was strong enough to withstand them with force. But I chose not to. That little bit I never acknowledged chose not to. I was so close to killing that little bit, of ridding me that pestilence that would forever plague me and rob me of my choice. There is no name for it. Everyone has one of those. It needs no name, nor introspection. It is everything, yet nothing. It exists, but doesn't. "There is a fine line between existance and non-existance. Make your conclusion."

I feel pain. I want to cleanse myself of this unhappiness. Not even. I want utter destruction of this unhappiness, sort of like the kind you see in sacrifices made. If you want something that badly, it will happen. Even if I fail, cannot handle it, I want to see it happen. If asked, if given a choice, I would accept a suicide on my terms. All to kill this unhappiness I feel, because that is all that matters to me right now. Condemn me, make your judgement, but it is of no use.

By the way, my cowboy bebop download is going at a pleasing 12kb/s average now. Now if I could only resume from the other file....
Bubble II went to gong lessons 8:59 PM.

I'm really depressed right now. Well, not right now now. A little while ago. I guess you could say I'm still recovering right now.

My cowboy bebop shipment couldn't make it. Actually, since CB is stil new, there's nothing to buy in taiwan: no bootleg, no keychain, no promos, nothing. Not even a flyer. And with all that stupid slander that the senators are making about violence in tv and games creating violent people crap is being taken seriously. Too seriously. I think they better rethink their policies. Now cartoon network is halting CB for 2 weeks and we'll probably never see the movie. :( Now I'm debating over bootlegs that take a month to ship or expensive but nice originals.

And my grades suck, but you already knew that didn't you?

(Aim won't let me input more text. More comin up)
Bubble II went to gong lessons 8:44 PM.

Lots of new things happening.

The homecoming game was last night and everyone was a walking ice cube. No one wanted to play and no one did. People went home, the wrong director was there, the coldness, and just the overall feeling of wanting to go home made last night so unbearable. On the plus side some alumni came back to say hi. Everyone's got a superiority complex now that they're in college. :P You'd think it was like pulling something outta their ass trying to talk us lowly high school kids, geez. And I never want anything to do with my school ever again, once I get out of this rut. I suppose I don't want to be given a name that I came from here, or even succeed afterwards because of the credit that might be misgiven to the school. How sad it is when people get to the point of sacrificing something to stop something else. It's sad that they do but worse that they even have to do it. A beautiful gesture nevertheless. They stopped being so uptight after a while, but that after we couldn't stand anything else so it really didn't make a difference.

I'm sorta re-watching Rurouni Kenshin. I love the OVAs and I'm finding new meaning in it, trying to analyze it like I analyze literature in Wicke's class. There's so many details one misses when watching for fluff only. But then I got to downloading whole episodes of the TV series and they really sucked! I knew I was giving it the benefit of the doubt but now I have to extract as much credit as I possibly could just to tolerate it! The beginning was bad, no doubt. It got tolerable when they brought Kenshin's master back and I was able to watch some nifty lines and moves that Kenshin didn't even know about, but it still felt commercialized and meaningless. I still upkeep the fact that I hate Kaoru: she's annoying, an implement tool to make the anime more mainstream, and her attachment to the rurouni just slaps the label "Hero w/ chick" onto Kenshin. He was so much cooler in the ova. I think the manga started out bad, I mean it just kept continuing needlessly and seemed like the story lacked an actual end, making the beginning even more pointless. That carried over into the show, but I'm glad the OVA turned out nice and that the staff had the guts to "screw it up" to make something better. I often think it takes much brains and gut (instinct and courage) to pull that off. I wish I could do that. I even wish for what I had earlier, for it wasn't the true form of that talent but shaping its way into that.

I'm so pathetic. I always do that in my "written speeches of nothing". Lectures almost. o.O That can't be good....

And I really should get back to playing some more FF9. One must always finish what one starts. (Wow I'm on a roll with spitting out these phrases today.)

Now for the bad news: I think I failed the history vocab test and screwed the vector test. I also have to remember to start memorizing the 1-80 vocab. O.O I'm gonna copy Cicero 3 from some website and do some math homework also. There's probably more I have to do but that's all I remember. And I wanna go back to spiral notebooks. I'm fickle, I know, but at least they'll all be in one spot. :) :P

At least it doesn't suck. As much as it could.

Quotes:
"Remember that your attitude at the beginning of a task often determines how well you finish it."
"Need free medical information? Click on the Merck Manual of the Diagnosis and Therapy Web site for access to the world's most widely used general medical text."
Bubble II went to gong lessons 12:24 PM.

Huh? Trying the Right click blog menu.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 10:40 PM.

I didn't accomplish anything. I didn't want to. I wanted the grade without the work. Such insolence deserves punishment. Makes sense. So I'll fail my grade inflater, the vocab quiz, the wicke poem (god knows how i'll pull that one off) and won't be in the mood to march. I have to pack some extra things along with my clothes. :P WHY ME!!!
Bubble II went to gong lessons 10:39 PM.

Guess what? I haven't started my 1-90 vocab. Surpised? You shouldn't be. My outline remains incomplete as well. Anthony's acting like an asshole, but I guess that's just how he makes friends. Finished the religion film critique; ironic how that turned out, didn't it? I love this cowboy bebop preview thing, even if I don't understand a word of it. It's just fun to listen to their voices talk conversationally. They even laugh at times. There's quite a selection, and it's all on this japanese site, but you'll need either realplayer or winmedia player to listen.

Still haven't gone to Easy Video. It'll be Friday tomorrow (dreading schoolwork*) and maybe I'll find time to go then. But it's the homecoming game--really busy for no good reason. >:-( I wanna go home dammit!

Schoolwork: (I do this partially to organize my thoughts and remind myself of my agenda.)
1: vocab quiz
2: math hw 2.3
5: translate couple lines in cicero 3; write notes on oration speech
6: start making a character for tomorrow.
8: vector addition test (grade inflater)

I started FF9 again. I got up to the part where the Prima Vista crashes and I have that little save moogle hanging out by the ship. I can't believe N--- doesn't know anything about that game. I thought he knew every game, and everyone knows ff9 or so I thought. :P Ya learn something new everyday.

I'm starting a daily quote thing to
1) remind me of stuff
2) make me feel better
3) improve my philosophy
4) improve myself.
[Aug 14] -- Don't succumb to negative self-talk: "I can't...," "I'm too old...," "I'll never...," and so on.

You wanna see someting weird? I heard this from my friend: Type Q33NYC on your computer in any word processor. Now highlight the text and change the font from [whatever] to Wingdings. If you don't get the message from that, it's probably better that you don't. By the way, Q33 was the flight number of the first plane crashing into the trade center.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 5:12 PM.

I don't care what anyone else says. I just won't tell them until it's too late. I'm starting my outline, I'm starting to study for the 1-90 vocab test, and I'm starting everything. Except the religion film critique.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 6:08 PM.

I am either a snake or a porcupine according to this.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 5:42 PM.

A BIG LIST:

Serial Port Hub - I have one serial port and 4 things that use the serial port. Interchanging between those 4 really sucks, and I'm thinking of finding one of these jobbers. If they exist.

Easy Video - There's one near me closing down. Opportunity to buy cheap games and movies. Notably Game of Death and Funny Girl.

School:
- History: Workbook (B, C, F); read and finish outlining chapter 8
- Math: Start making notes
- Religion: Film critique; chap 2 test; review questions due
- Latin: grammer book lesson 5 (part A?)
- English: Make vocab tapes, start studying 1-9; prepare for tomorrow's poem intro paragraph
- Physics: Do problem #10, 15 on pg 75; Start lab report.

Jazz Band - Is there practice today? Who cares, I can't go....

FF9 - I really want to start playing that again. I have to hook up the playstation to my tv again, which sucks. :P

Blog/webpage - I also really want to work on this, but there's no time!

Computer:
- Reprint Real Folk Blues and condense into 2-staff score.
- Upload screwy files

That's all I can think of right now. I'll edit it later if I forget anything.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 1:22 PM.

Everytime I set out to do an article like this I always fail.

Why?

I guess because I don't have any outlooks, hopes or fears of the future. I don't like to. ::the fact that I speak like that means I probably do and wish not to acknowledge them:: Yet, I long for the feeling of having an expectation, of knowing what it feels like to be wrong or right, not just invalid or neutral.

It's terrible feeling like this. Not only lonely, because I'm used to my brand of lonliness, but sick. Of myself. And sick of being sick of myself. I always try to pull back to look at it objectively and sadly come to the conclusion that I can't. That as much effort as I try to be objective, I will never ever achieve the real truth I seek. There will always be a taint, a flavor, a tint, a hue, of what lies inside, what corruption churns deep within me. I can't stand it. The more I question, the more questions I find. None of which are pleasant nor answerable. I feel like an old woman who's thrown away her life without learning the great secret of life, but should die anyway, because perhaps that's where the secret lies. Or maybe it doesn't. In teetering between death and life, she doesn't know whether the answer lulls her to come and pick the fruit of knowledge in rest or calls her back to live and find and seek the true answer before death lays his merciless hand on her. And even in knowing this bit of "objective" knowledge, what should she do? What she wants to? What does she want to do? What is her "want" choice based on: should? must? told to? oppose? What? Does she know? Will she ever? What will happen if she does? Too late? Soon?

I just got lost. Never mind. Doesn't change the way I feel. Still like crap. My grades go down .0001% every breath I take. Maybe I oughta go play some FF9 sometime. Yea, that'd rock: Ispen's Castle, here I come!

I hate how my dad lingers there thinking I don't notice. Or does he know I do? Annoying me? Tense? Maybe he doesn't know and merely acts that way out of ignorance. Maybe that ignorance is calculated. My lack of sleep is clouding my thoughts and shuting my eyes. Luckily I can type with my eyes shut, and very well, thank you. Just that I can't tell how the words look on the screen. Is there a comma that doesn't belong there? Something that looks too long? Short?

I know I ask too many questions, some that are too hard for me to answer now in my condition and situation. But I should stil ask them, just for the security and knowledge that they exist. Who knows, maybe someday I'll answer them. If I don't ask, I know I never will.

You see? That's the kind of mentality I need. I have it. I possess it. I've just proved that with that little blurb and probably others I didn't care to notice, but they're there. I don't want to go on. Every (except this stubborn one that won't go away) instinct is telling me to close up. Sleep, tireness, mental strain, physical strain, not wanting to think about that particular subject, that group of, the sick sense of "accomplishment" I got from doing nothing at all, all these things and more that I don't even notice. I hate myself. I should probably go on to find the truth (death and life) and maybe I'm so close to an answer, but because I answer to the soothing voice of death (or in my case: sleep) I never do find the answer. Maybe the answer will come to me in my sleep in a dream. Who knows. Not I.

I'll continue this later. *snore*
Bubble II went to gong lessons 12:26 AM.

Yay, finished uploading all my Cowboy Bebop Mp3s!
Bubble II went to gong lessons 11:54 PM.

I am so stealing this, and I don't even care.

A person reaches a time when they freeze. Turn into a zombie, so to say.
It's horrible, horrendous, despicable, and utterly the worst feeling anyone can ever go through.

I'm tired of killing myself for the sake of other people who don't even notice. Who wouldn't notice nor believe you even if you told, you showed them yourself. It isn't worth it.

But I tell myself it is. I say that people who give up too easily will never experience the fruit of their own labors and never feast on the turkey they'd work so hard to feed and fatten up, simply because the fatter turkey is stonger and harder to kill. I tell myself that I will one day see my reward, and that will be enough. Merely seeing that it even existed would satiate my emptiness. Would show I was right. Would show it was all for something I knew was there. I don't even have to finish the race, but as long as I see the finish line, I know I've done enough. It's too painful to dream anymore of crossing it, for failure provides no ease on the heart. I'd rather die trying than actually succeed. I don't know if I actually earned my right to the reward. I believe in abstract fate/divine justice: if you have it coming to you, you have it coming to you, no questions asked. What if I win and then don't know what to do with the award? What if I lose all desire to continue after what I call "victory" and give up then? It's still giving up, no matter where you are relative to the start or finish line. You stop. And while it's not divine, you'll get what's coming to you. People will expect more; You will expect more than you can deliver. One victory means nothing in the great race. Not even the race of life, for life ends and death merely cheats true victory from deserving souls and provides an cheap excuse, a cheat, for losers who don't. Maybe I am a loser. I've had this before, so I'm not reposting the whole thing, but everything is relative, even the constants.

Back to math. Studying for religion, history, and definitely the latin grammer quiz. This sucks.

How'd I get so off track there? I merely reached "almost beginning", and not even started for the journey, only mulling over packing differences. I haven't taken an action, only b/c there's no advantage either way. I'm waiting for one; for what? I don't even know how to look for it. I feel so awful. I wish I could do better. I want to place my standards up higher, but I can't bare losing to them again. Thus I place pathetically low standards that don't mean anything: lying to myself. Fooling myself into believing that I'm doing exactly what I planned. I didn't plan all this, not from my heart, not from my mind. I merely guessed from a range that I was almost positive I'd succeed in, and making me more upset, I'm even struggling to get into that range. I'm pathetic. I'm a loser. I want to be a winner, I know my place is not here, but I now question if it's where I want to be. Maybe loserdom does fit me better than victory. Who knows. Too tired. NOW back to homework.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 11:52 PM.

Forgot my latin grammer book. Either that or just lost it. BAH! I remember packing it! ::What if I lost it?:: I couldn't have! This can't be! But it's possible...I remember packing it, taking it out, yelling at Brandon, putting it back...where? My locker or my bookbag? Or I dropped it? I need a good grade, lest I retake this one also. And I still haven't done my math hw. Nor studied for religion. Nor started translating (or paraphrasing the translation of) Cicero. I'm so screwed. But I did my physics hw. That's a plus. And typed out history notes, but no effort. Life sucks.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 10:22 PM.

Great. Now I'm ready for history somewhat, but so screwed for latin.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 8:45 PM.

I wish someone would give me the latin translation to Cicero In Catilinam I.2. ::sings "I wish" from Fushigi Yuugi::
Bubble II went to gong lessons 7:01 PM.

God this sucks; making history notes on the computer because it takes too long by hand.
:type, type, type...::
Bubble II went to gong lessons 6:34 PM.

Unpacking. I seem irrelevant and inefficient when I spoof off like this and randomly post up when I can't uniformly do it all at once, but it's helping my creativity or responsiveness or spontaniaty or whatever like that. My friend Debbie is the coolest ever; hearing about my recent dilemma that I didn't know algebra 1 (and yes, you are talking to a girl in pre-calc), she immediately volunteered her math notebook from freshman year that she kept. I know I don't deserve her as the great friend that she is, but I'm still glad I was lucky enough to sit back to back with her every homeroom and every class. She's so smart. Lots more than I, even though she says otherwise. :)

Yeah, back to unpacking my bookbag and cursing off how I forgot my latin grammer book which was what I was gonna study from for the quiz.
::curses, swearing, all the whatnot.::
Bubble II went to gong lessons 4:18 PM.

Oh, and I'm still uploading my Cowboy Bebop files onto MyPlay. How sad is that? And I have broadband! ::floats away::
Bubble II went to gong lessons 4:10 PM.

What hell. Religion teacher didn't come. That's my big problem. Spoofing off on how our test was gonna be today and with no warning or even hint of telling us, she doesn't show up. Not only do I have to carry over this burden over to tomorrw, but I have a history test, math problems, the carry-over religion test, latin quiz+translation due tomorrow, god-knows-what wicke garbage, and physics problems (which I don't mind so much just because. And the fact that they're so easy.)

So, to sum it up:

Tests + Quizes
- History tomorrow
- Latin Grammer
- Religion carry-over tomorrow
- Physics Friday (thank god)

Homework Due
- Latin translation
- Math problems
- Physics problems on sheet

Extra Worry-Work
- Wicke English Vocab 1-90
- Start memorizing Cicero

What I want to do
- Finish my webpage! It's still not done!
- Setup/troubleshoot "Blogback" (not that anyone will; it's just cool to have it)
- Watch more Cowboy Bebop. (Yes, english or jap; pathetic, aren't I?)
- Take a gun and blow off my left ear so that I'm missing the middle ear that keeps the balance in people.

I'm such a loser.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 4:00 PM.

Plus, I'm adding some Cowboy Bebop mp3s to my Mp3 Locker at MyPlay. Check the list here. >This is soo cool< ::Acting cheeky::
Bubble II went to gong lessons 11:22 PM.

Almost time for Cowboy Bebop. I hope I at least finish the Chaucer stuff, even if I don't get to the latin or religion. ::spoofs religion:: It's an easy grade. I don't know why I don't work harder for it. And with bad influences like Ali Gonzalez and Christina Persaud, it's no wonder I suck as much as I do. I wanna be better. Improve myself without caring about anything else. Bah! Time to study so I can finish in time to watch some Bebop!
Bubble II went to gong lessons 11:16 PM.

Erg, almost 4PM and I still haven't started any of my studying. Even opening my bookbag remains an unfinished chore. What to do, what to do, what to do.... And I'm sitting here posting stuff into my blog and listening to 'Bebop mp3s. I'm pathetic. Watch me complain like hell tomorrow. Religion Test, Wicke Test (still have to read), and retake of that mess of a latin quiz. WHY ME!!!!!! I sound like Garion now. Never mind, inside joke.... -_-' Now I'm gonna go open my bookbag and freak out at all the work I have to do. Yet it's not like I feel any more secure by starting earlier. I always think I'll get the same grade as the "me who didn't study" and almost always do. I don't think it's worth it simply because it doesn't do me any good. But I still want to do well, not give up effort. If effort isn't the answer, then what is? I wish I knew. I hate this. I'm still doing badly. And my math test is coming back tomorrow. I think my math teacher hates me in a generic way: "You're such an idiot; why the hell are you in pre-calc?"

I hate myself. I'm such a moron. *goes to open bookbag*
Bubble II went to gong lessons 3:57 PM.

Success!! It works! Kinda hard to change spelling mistakes tho, but I'm glad I didn't get any in that first run through. Second try.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 7:07 PM.

Just "installed" AIM blog. It's a bot on AIM that lets users post to their blog from an AIM im window. I'm testing it now. Let's hope this works... >send<
Bubble II went to gong lessons 7:05 PM.

Tests on Monday:
Canterbury/Pardoner's Tale
Morality Chapter 2
Re-take Latin Quiz

I feel as if this is becoming more and more like an assignment pad rather than a blog. What a loser. But then again, that's all my life consists of right now, doesn't it? I wish it didn't, but then still wish that I were more more diligent in schoolwork. What an oxymoron...-ic cool nerd-ish thing to do. Had to finish that cliche Ally cooked up last year.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 4:32 PM.

Wow.... Everything just screwed up...royally.

The weirdest thing is I don't care. Not totally don't care, because that usually means you care enough to put some effort into not caring, and usually gets super-complicated from there. But I got a C- on my history project which isn't bad because I didn't do the oral part of my report and expected a 50 at the most. Another friend of mine went in front of the class and got a D on his oral part. He got a C+ which is something he's not too happy about, but I shouldn't be happy but I am, because it either shows she feels pathetically sorry for me and needed to boost up my grade or both. I think Storipan, my history teacher, hates it.

Math test: Oh, my, god. I was totally unprepared for it, completely missing everytime he told our class "test on friday". Where was I??? Apparently everyone was super-prepared and pumped for it and did really well, while I did really bad. I hate this. I hate myself. It's easy too, and I just can't do it, and I don't know why.

Morality: I don't even want to see what I got on that quiz. I could argue any one of those damn answers out. Prudence, Tempermence, Fortitude, and Justice, and apply these four virtues to the matching section I give you. Honestly, do we really need a "Morality Honors" class? Stupid Idea. Really stupid. *Just remembered: Monday's Religion test on Chapter 2... Monday....

Latin: I don't hate her as much as I do the others. Seriously. I mean, I hate her, but just generically, not personally. I hate her for the benefit of the class. Personally, she's really nice and a little fruity, but that's the only thing I can depend on for my grade. I have to make up a Latin vocab quiz on Monday, period 7. Gotta remember that.

Wicke (English): EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL CLASS!!! Pure terror strikes me when I enter that room. Goddamn "aiambacontabater" or whatever the hell it is... I have a test on the Canterbury Tales characters and The Pardoner's Tale and I haven't even gone through one read-through of Canterbury Tales. And now I need to know the Pardoner characters. I wish I didn't have all honors. I want the perks that come with it, but I don't want all the work. I don't mind work, as long as it's not hard and I don't need to think as much.

Physics: This class rocks! I mean, I did really bad on the test (87 when I expected 100 or at least a 90) but this is the coolest class ever. Coolest teacher too; understands real-time limits of students and the "mood of the room". I'm tired. I think that's all I'll say about that.

Today's Game: It was Sayerville's homecoming game and we played against them. I think that happens every year, but I'm not sure. Anyway, I also seem to remember that we always win against them, even at homecoming. The girls in the dresses, the court, were REALLY cold. They had those strapless dresses with no sleeves. >>BRRR!<< That would stink... Stink--someone sprayed a very potent cologne: Tommy Hilfiger, as identified by our bus driver. 3 times sprayed: band room, trip there, trip back. I nearly felt like coughing. But we won. It was boring, and OH SO COLD!!! Me and my friend Ally were freezing our butts off! Oh well, at least I'm home now, and I can be happy about that.

Sleep: I wanna sleep right now. G'nite. :)

Blog: Can you believe I almost have it right? I think my template's beginning to cooperate with me. YAY!! Not completely, but if I do this every night, I'm sure to get the whole thing right and perfect, so a step in the right direction is still a step. :)
Bubble II went to gong lessons 12:21 AM.

In almost some perverted way I wish that someone would read this. Anyone. He or she doesn't even have to completely acknowledge it but I'd like someone--anyone to...not even understand.

I'm beginning to feel like my friend T----. Not completely, but I'm on my way there. I am debating whether to go full-blow lost or pick myself up.

I want death.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 2:34 AM.

Merely wasting space to upload my new blog version (or the revised of it). Ever notice when you're editing your blog it always decides to screw with the ftp server?

Have to do math homework. Loads and loads of math. Then the history chart. Then study for the morality quiz... >bleh<
Bubble II went to gong lessons 1:06 AM.

I have to fix up my blog. It looks bad the way I have it now and with me adding 3 year novella posts, all just looks like hell right now. It's alright, I need a project for now--one that I want to do. Fixing up my blog (and my site) will give me just that. I'm thinking of a contempo color scheme, like one I saw on another template, but with a simple one-liner frame on the top. Hmm, this'll be hard.

Seems that no one cares about my problems. Just as well. I'd probably just sorta sit there and stare if someone gave my the either-you-or-me half-wit look. I think I'll also start adding pictures to by blogger. Fruiting it up, as I call it.

::Looks at previous post:: Disgusting. My good friend ---- seems to be all that's making me feel better; da ne? (That's Japanese for "isn't it sad?" for all you scholars out there.) Not that it's a great help, but it shows what company I'm used to having, and I'm not used to anyone at my current school. I'm good with people who complain and whine, people who can immediately negatize the whole room (lol, that's a joke-exaggeration) but my argument is serious.

I'm who I am. I can't change that. If I had the will or talent, maybe I can fool myself, or lie, or fool someone. I wonder which it is I lack.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 12:28 AM.

I'm terrified. Admitted. Revealed, shown, undisguised, discovered, and whatever. I hate this. I'm extremely frightened. Stranger, yet: I used to be in a whole lot more danger, have more restrictions on life just because it was what simple sense, rules, and conditioned circumstances had dictated to me and everyone crawling on the face of this stupid petri dish. But no--not only have they changed the laws of physics (sorry, tried really hard not to use cliches here), but claimed righteousness in their vile actions. Depressing me the most is the unwholesome way I deal with my problem: I've yet to stoop to the level of polluting the air with empty talk, but my once stout sailor has sunken to being a leaky rowboat, while the captain (that's me) complains about wet shoes knowing the whole time of the hungry crocodile eyeing him a yard away. I'm pathetic. Least of all should I complain. I've had worse and never complained before. Perhaps that is what irks my concience the most: I complain; about nothing. A rat in a round maze, that's what I am. I've had hardships and prided myself on ability to bite back, kill Goliath (g-...dammit, another christian reference), and execute master plans glibly and efficiently.

I hate myself. There's nothing I can do. My other half tells me that I'm just being lazy and not working and complaining for no reason. Half-1 retorts that the revelation alone acts out my lack of...whatever I lost. Half-3 (*I know there's no "Half-3) shouts at both of them and says that the fact that Half-1 can't summon up the words to articulate such thought and the lack of ability to even summon up the thoughts merely piles up the sheer stupidity of my current condition/self and knows that when none of my halves can tell if it's [irreversible corruption of what once was] or [surgically removed loss of former ___.]

Previously I would have been able to complete this mock conversation, and bring it to excellent unimaginable heights. Now I live merely with the memory that I even could.

I look back at my previous posts and shudder. What kind of person have I become? I have become the monster that I once so feared, one I vowed never to become; I would torture and/or suicide before it even began, giving me the true victory. "You could not win me over. I will not let you." But have I won? Is this the madness that overtook me, or merely the illusion or torture I have put myself through to prevent a worse madness? Have I lost? Or Won? I can't answer any of these. I have no desire to answer them, nor to hear of anyone else's conclusion, but I wish to instinctively know the solution, theory, or law of what I speak of. Have I really become as pathetic as I'd once feared? Is my conception of it so horrid that I am only beginning to percieve a previously obvious shoutout? And if so, that must mean it is worse by a hundredth-fold. A millionth-fold. I hate myself. I hadn't even gone through all the solutions yet and already I tire of the journey's dawn. I seek the holy grail but the sight of Jesus is poison to me. Have I died? Have I been poisoned and gone mad? Does my perception of things exaggerate it or merely soften the distorted blow? And even if I have endured finding every solution in my current state, there are much more, are there not? Will I be able to outlast those? Will those solutions kill me too? I am a mere shadow of myself. I do not know if I exist or not, for shadows cannot possibly exist without a solid. Of this I am not sure. I will finish later. Another sign of weakness.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 6:10 PM.

Ack, there I go off in a tangent again. (....damn Wicke....) I really should get back to studying and doing my history project, and doing my homework, and studying for all my tests. The 3-day weekend will tempt me into doing something stupid and waste my time, but, I need to waste some time sometimes. So it's still better than a 2-day weekend even if I waste it.

I'm scared of the history project. Really scared. By the way, check out An Island in the Sun.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 2:11 PM.

I've lost all motivation. I've had the most interesting conversation with my good friend Ally. I think watching my favorite show Cowboy Bebop helped a lot. I originally wanted the DVD copy of the series (copied version) but I have the semi-vcd version. I say semi because I actually got it off a peer to peer file-sharing network. The whole series, 1-26. I'm actually rather proud of myself. I LOVE this series. Swear to god. LOVE it. Helped my depression a lot. It was funny too. Stupid funny. Not idiot-funny. (There's a difference.) I liked it a lot. But now I have a dilemma: I'll keep my vcd-version but should I still order the DVD? I can turn off the subtitles. Change them to chinese. It's clearer. Relatively cheap to the "official" nicer one at Amazon. Plus, I don't have to sign up for an account, and all I need is a money order. But I do have the vcd version already. And now I really want the music cds. But I just bickered with the selling guy so much about the Eng DVD, and now I've sorta made the order, and one's being reserved for me, how can I just tell him I don't want one anymore? I know I'm making a big deal out of this, and I'm overreacting, and I'm being my usual indecisive self, but really, can't you see my situation? If anything, I would cut the DVD for all the music cd's I wanna buy. I hope he doesn't charge me $10 for a reservation, and it was a reservation, not a pre-order. So I should have nothing to worry about, right? Okay, my mind's made up. But, still, there are some episodes I want to have a good clear version of. Especially to see the good quality animation and the cgi-cuts. What a dilemma.

I'll think more of it later.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 2:05 PM.

Ack! They weren't kidding when they said "Junior year is the hardest year" blah blah blah~ I have soo much crap to finish, and no idea when any of it's due. Geez, when will it end? Even worse: will it ever? God, I hate my latin teacher. And not just me: everyone else in my class, everyone in latin 2, and even the freshman who've never seen Mr. Nolan hate her. What's the goddamn world coming to?

I have to do Wicke hw: Prologue to Canterbury Tales, and list the characters. >bleh< And there's the objective portion of the history test tomorrow. And the terms for the next chapter. And the translation of the next cicero assignment. And dear god, next week! A math and english vocab test, along with a freakin' oral report! I'm terrified. I'm not used to standing up in front of people. Or around them. Or anywhere near them. I guess I'm just weird like that. I wish they wouldn't take it as a defect or a flaw. I just don't like it.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 11:21 PM.

One blog customized. I will conquer it yet.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 12:38 AM.

I wish this damn blog would work. This is the 3rd attempt I make at posting, and silly me, I just found out I was pushing the wrong button! I hate techn