I wish I were good at coming up with names. And posting better. Now that I leave half the archive on the front page, I'm trying to teach myself to be proud of what I write. Or to write better stuff if I don't want to be embarrassed.
Yep. I'll pay for that comment later....
Bubble II went to gong lessons 10:15 PM.
Too tired. Physics goes to the back again.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 12:12 AM.
That's creepy. You know, when you hear your name being mentioned somewhere else and you don't know whether it refers to you or not. And since your name's so vague, popular, over-used, etc., you really don't know who the hell it is.
My real name. Jennifer. Not what is just symbolizes or calls to mind, the dumb golden-haired idiot who knows how to make friends very well. But more. Creepy. And the new set of problems I bought* with my still-not-so-old name. It doesn't fit yet, but in time I guess I'll fill out the edges. I feel weird. er. Yea.
I adore people who argue against me. Even more so now, with all my attempts to avoid arguements. Someone argued with me. Relieved lots of tension and I welcome the ol' familiar pointless headache it still causes me. Didn't do anything in the long run, but illusions of good things come in little spurts.
I think I traumatized a poor 7th grader on her essay and how there were literally a million things wrong with it. I hate wicke. But I sorta did improve. No matter how bad I do in that class, I'll do better than I actually do coming from anywhere else. It's like being the scullery boy for the old school master. She's still my friend, or claims to be. Scared stiff of me now, but I can live with that.
Suspicions arise on who's been sneaking in my profile. And around here. Must've miscalculated. People are really more observant than they look, or will do anything when they're bored enough. Maybe I'm the one doing too much snooping. Things come back to you after a while. Still, I don't know whether I should comment. Or if I should, if it's overdue or not yet ripe a time. Weirdness. Shakespeare, or anger, or something driving these weird words and phrases outta me. Something.
I'm so gd tired. Caesar, nor Konnyu, nor the scary-Invero-godzilla figure do anything for me. Why am I even in there? And Joe, king of all bs-sers, just b/c of the lack of effort he puts into it also. I'm not a musical moron like Konnyu, so I know exactly what's wrong and why. And I just sit there why Joe acts like Mr. Cool double-talking Konnyu and eventually earning a praise for a wrong. My strange ethics is repulsed by unearned praise. Unearned materialistic things are different, like money, candy, food, even grades fit into that category now. But true praise just ticks me off. Won't be long before that gets turned to the dark side.
I have to start eating vitamins. I'll die without them. I got lots of downloads finished. Unfortunately, none of what I wanted. But I'm working on it. I one day want to entertain myself for a whole day, and just watch big-eyed people all day. They're funny I guess. Don't really know why I like to watch it. To me they're the same as American cartoons, the ones like xmen evolution or batman. Lizzy watches that also. I don't follow up. Just turn the damned thing on and watch. But it doesn't make me insane like the big-eyed people club. N---'s fault. All him. Moody. The higher they go, the harder they fall.
Now to do physics problems b/c Frank wouldn't leave me alone long enough to attempt them. :P Me being too tired to try had nothing to do with that. And I have to buy presents for 2 people I barely know because Katie had this brilliant idea I was sick of hearing being repeated and traded just so the noise'd stop. "Jen dug herself into another hole."** Anyway. Go for vague. You lose self-respect, but in the end, that's not worth anything anyway. So, go for convenience.
There's so much crap to read. I have 5 books borrowed from diff people that I have to start, and Caesar, a play, wins over all of them. What I would do for a good sci-fi book. A good one. Not the crap ones with no plot and huge words that are deductable (easy to fig out). Nor the crap star trek "novellas". I hate that word. IT'S NOT A FRICKIN NOVEL. I'm just mad. For no reason worth being. And that happens. Oh well. Suck it up and move on.
Gifts. Physics. Subjects. Projects. Thoughts and others gets the back seat again. To tired to write more, but I was on a verge of an asskiller conclusion. Ack, I've turned into....forgot.
With love,
Jen. All my regards, friend neighbor.
==
*after all, names are like clothes, are they not? Same with demeanors. Wear the ones that suit the occasion. Hahaha, like my metaphore? Yea, doesn't make sense, but do they ever?
**Let's hope the next one's 6ft underneath.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 12:09 AM.
Ticked me off today: Machovic, Molnar, Seppi, Nate & Ruby, picture people, my dependancy on food.
Made me happy: Mike, Anthony (shared his fruit by foot), Brandon (the best locker buddy in all of history),
Indifferent: Joe, Joe, Amanda T.
I'm just testing out my templates, by the way. That's the reason for the random posts.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 3:17 AM.
Oh,
Woe is me,
how sad i am,
not of just
simple
and depressing
things,
but of all
there is
to be sad
and cried folly
for.
Wow. That was bad. Better not try that ever again.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 3:08 AM.
I wish I had a refridgerator in my room to 1) eat and 2) play with my magnet words set for poetry. I mean, I can't do that in the one in the kitchen, please....
Bubble II went to gong lessons 2:56 AM.
I've been crying about how nothing's pulling together as soon as I'd hoped.
That might be where my mistake lies.
I mean, isn't it obvious? It's never gonna pull together. I'm waiting for something that won't happen.
And yet, another part of me says, "If you think like that, you further your goal from yourself." That I must persevere. It will come, if I am patient. And if I hadn't killed myself yet, I can wait longer. Until I do. Then that means I couldn't wait out. But that I lasted all the way up to the end of my fuse, or died trying to believe in something. Better than living and walking aimlessly around.
Like (Kal) Zakath, The Empty One. Belgarath (or someone) said that he continued to bring himself up higher and higher in life hoping that one day he'll encounter someone strong enough to kill him. Maybe that's what I should do. Blunder into things and take on impossibilities so that I'll be killed sooner, not drawing out what'll happen eventually. The thing is, Zakath wasn't lucky enough to encounter someone stronger than him. Or when he did, he accidentally overcame him, becoming stronger himself and lessening his chances of finding a suitable opponent, aka, one who can actually kill him.
Like MacBeth, who doesn't want to kill the king himself but will still like being king if he does,
I don't want to kill myself, but if I'm tempted, pushed, to do so, I'll be as happy as a kitten.
Names like Aphrael and Dweia are nice, don't you think? I'd name something that if they weren't taken already.
So, I'm still driving myself nuts finding someone to push me to the edge to kill myself, but I'm beginning to contemplate doing the 'Zakath method' and beating people up myself so someone else'll do it for me. Instigating anger. Not too good at that, spending years perfecting the art of avoiding anger. Geez, what a loser letdown. Wrong choice of words, perhaps.
By the way, this is all symbolism. But then again, isn't everything? When there's something gory and nasty that people don't like to listen to, don't they twists and wring out bits and pieces of truth and justice out of it to make it sound nicer? And for what? Their own conscience, reputation, or teachings? Why bother having them when they cause so much trouble...?
Still looking for High Hunt. I might just email someone and demand a paperback of those 2 for xmas. Make things simple. One from each person.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 2:35 AM.
I truly am pathetic. I can't do one single productive thing. It's like I'm avoiding work. Anyways, I revamped the thing out of nauseousness of purpleness getting to me. When I have loads of MacBeth to read. And a Rel film critique to write. And physics problems due.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 12:28 AM.
I don't really much care for the lyrics. Unrelated to me at all. But if it sounds nice, it's usually good enough for me. It's all about why I like it in the end. Maybe I'm weird. Or one-of-a-kind. But they're really the same thing, aren't they? Can't have one without the other. So if you want to be different, go all the way. Not stop halfway like some moron who doesn't know how to cross the street.
But here it is: "Another Day in Paradise" by Phil Collins.
Dunno why I picked him. I really thought he was kinda corny when I heard his Tarzan soundtrack on TV, but then again you can't really ever trust the tv ever. But when I went to eat at a Panera (gosh, can't believe I voluntarily went there, but mom wanted to eat there), there was a B&N bookstore nearby and I wanted to look at some books.
Honestly, if you let me live in a real bookstore, I think I could survive and be really happy for the rest of my life. You don't even have to give me a tv, just keep the supply of books coming in so I don't get left in the dark. Everywhere you turn around there's something to read. I love it. I feel like a little kid with so much to learn and with so much worth learning. I guess that's really it: newer books and bookstores present things so that we feel like we're taking in more information and becoming smarter. In some ways we are, but if we realize that it's never how we the viewer sees it, then we see it all that much more deeper. Oh well, as long as I'm perfectly aware of being fooled and deluded I guess I have no qualms about it. I'll just go along with it, like some game, or play, or music improv. I hate those, by the way.
I was bored to death today, almost. Shakespeare tooks his toll on me years after he died; now if I could bore someone like that centuries after my death, I think I can lift a cheek in my grave and have something to smile about. That's potent.
What's with all these popular bands? How can you like them? How? I can't. I should be happy that it comes naturally and not forced. But people are never happy with what they have and always look at the other greener side of the grass. Or road. Well you know what I meant. How on earth can you like someone basing your opinion on something other than merit? The whole prospect of it all seemed impossible to me, but then again I see it every day.
What I would do for a friend right now.
I also bought Redemption of Althalus by David and Leigh Eddings. I liked it, and it went smoothly for the first 100-200 pages, but somewhere after that IT DIED. I got so bored. Maybe it was my fault; I haven't been reading as much as I should lately, and I didn't really think about what material I was gonna pick up after eons of unlearning reading shortcuts. So I went throught "reading shock". Happens every time I go to school, but it's getting better. I can read whole phrases at a time instead of word-by-word now. If I can up that up to lines, and I think I'm really close, then I'll really start to improve. Speed's very important, so's recognition and comprehension. Plus it's also easier that way. I remember when I had it up to scanning paragraphs at a time, actually reading each word, but merely having to glance at the paragraph to do so. My eyes would still have to roll down the page but at least I didn't have to waste time going across. And that it's easier and causes less eye-strain and keeps me awake longer. Guess that's why standardized tests used to be so easy: my reading. Everything else, too.
Now I'm itching to pick up High Hunt and The Losers. I seriously hope I don't have to pick up new paperback editionsd and find a nice used one that someone wants to get rid of or lend. But even if that fails, I haven't seen any new HH or tL books anywhere. That means I'll have to join Amazon to get my used paperbacks. Damn and Yay at the same time. I'm just like MacBeth, with my niftly little paradox there (tho that's where the similarities end). But I've always wanted to join Amazon, and I did for a little while to pick up a nifty "Anarchy Cookbook" with some interesting recipies. Mom didn't approve, so Amazon went bye-bye. But now they have so much other crap I want and can't find anywhere else, like dvds, electronics, hard-to-find books, normal books. And if you add it all up I'm sure the cost will be worth keeping me quiet for a month or two. I'm ranting again, so I oughto stop now.
No one's happy. Or maybe it's just me that can't sense the happiness. I suspect the latter. If the world really is as dreary as one thinks, then all is doomed. I dunno why, but it seems nice to have something doomed. Fitting, you could say. Worst part is that it seems like I being needlessly selfish, stupid, whatever. For no reason. (Yes, I know that "needlessly" covered that, but I needed to add that last bit. :P) I hope things light up. And worser yet, I have the nerve to condemn other people's problems and pain when I'm complaining as much or more than them. When I even do complain.
Caesar practice sucked. A lot. Some thought it was productive. I just sat there so I'd say no. Some dolt told all of us to come to just sit there. *rises in anger, muttering "I hate that moron"* What's wrong with the world or me? Someone's gotta change. I don't care who anymore. If you have to "fix" me to fit in with your ideals, be my guest. Squatting here and being stubborn isn't getting me anywhere, and martyerdom doesn't hold the same ring it did before. Am I lazy? Yes. Do I care? Of course. But as for now, I ask for nothing more than peace of mind in the present.
Oh dear god. My friend's acting all cheeky. Everyone's been noticing for weeks now and esp today they uped it a notch. And everyone else's reaction went up a notch. Jackie inquired, Sue made a face. That's as far as it went, but it's a hell of a lot better than pretending like you don't know anything. And frankly it's getting irritating.
I think it was a bad idea to link up 3 different connections to the same file. DC isn't built the same way Morpheus is and I'm gonna have one fucked up corrupted Akira download file. All that time. Wasted. Cause I couldn't bear to wait any longer, so I sped up its death. Makes sense, no?
Mr. O'Connor was in Physics today. I think I made myself look like an oaf today. Didn't raise my hand. Probably b/c I was an oaf today. Didn't know any of the answers. Busy with my Lab Report. I hate my lab partner and the fact that's she's a senior. You know how hard it is to get in contact with a senior through the course of the day? Couldn't get my graphs at all. Couldn't mark them. Nothing. And now mine looks like crap. Whatever. I deserve it anyway, so no use getting my hopes up.
I almost did a handstand in gym. Crashed into Marco with the head-tripod thing. I thought it was funny/fun. We did a pyramid today. Joe yelled at why my side was the weaker side. I didn't want to hurt anyone below me. Or get blamed for it, at least. So my knee was over to the left more than it should've been. And then I felt it about to slip. I guess I could've let it fall by itself, but I'm a known meddler, whether I like to admit it or not. So I 'slipped up' myself and 'fell'. I guess you could say that it was completely my fault that the thing fell down, but the girls under me were yelling "OWWW" so what was I supposed to do? Looks like I'm wrong no matter what I do.
I think I put myself in situations like that to prove how not wrong I am. To prove how wrong the world is. But Joe's comment really put me down. Not personally, or even literally. He's right. Unawaredly right. Or is the word 'coincidentially'? Who cares. As long as you know or think you know what I mean and I get your sympathy I guess I got the effect I wanted. As for what that is, I have no clue.
I still think that's a beautiful song. First heard it in B&N when my mom wanted me to give it a listen. Still don't care for the lyrics. Want to read more D&LE. HH and tL. I might just ask for those two for X-mas and forgo everything else. I'd like like to see my sony mp3 player that'll never come into stock, but we can't help that. We all stand on different sides. I'm not responsible for your side, you're not responsible for mine, and we take care of our own. You're outside, I don't care for you. I hate you. But why extend my effort in that one emotion concerning you when I have other things to think about...such as when the next rainy day will be, or when I'll be having eggs instead of bread.
"She calls out to the man on the street // 'Sir can you help me' // It's cold and I've nowhere to sleep // is there somewhere you can tell me."
Another Day In Paradise, Written by Phil Collins
Bubble II went to gong lessons 11:04 PM.
Life stinks, everyone's being a pain (including me), and the overall atmosphere sucks. Party bored me half to death. Want to die. Not really. I'll come back later, but yeah.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 12:29 PM.
Great. Now to write a post about Thanksgiving's concept.
Which ellicits another hateful emotion / memory for me. I hate Wicke. He gave me an 83 on my intro because "it wasn't clear" to him. I totally had that concept down, believe me. It took me a while, but I got it. It was clear. (as mud) But I'd've understood it had I been the one grading it. Ugh, he just really sucks as a teacher. You don't hear me complain like this about Sav, do ya? Or Alfonzo (altho I'm really tempted to...) But no. Never have I seen such a maniac like Wicke. Drives me nuts. And everyone likes him. Guess it's like Alfonzo and Sue.
Thanksgiving. What am I thankful for. I don't know. I could name a whole bunch of shit but do I really mean it? Of course you can rattle off on me all day about how I should be thankful for all this garbage I didn't ask for, but if I'm not, then I'm not. The act of feeling can't be forced, ever. It should be allowed to runs its course before you make a judgement on it. Whatever problem comes from it you deal with because it's what your heart told you to do. Not that they can't be wrong, but if you are, then you fall with your ideal, or change. Change doesn't take place before an event. That's like trying to cheat time, life, fate, whatever the hell's controlling the crap outta us. You can never "shortcut" life. Like saying "trust me, don't do that, you'll regret it" to someone else is cheating. Even if you're absolutely 150% positive that they'll regret it, that they shouldn't do that, you haven't seen their reaction. Them. What choice they would've made. Guess I'm just touchy about choices and decision making because I never got to make the one that I wanted to make the most. I'd sacrifice everything for that one choice, and I have. Never have I once jepordized my chances for making that decision. Now that I've been robbed of that choice, all others seem paled in comparison. They're not important anymore. Of course they are, if you care about feeding yourself and clothing yourself and finding yourself a place to stay, but really, do you want to? I don't know why on earth I would. Hmph. Some words to mull about more (only to come up with no answer).
So if I asked myself "What am I thankful for?" -- I wouldn't have an answer. I still don't. Maybe I'm thankful for nothing. Does that imply that all things are negative, and that I'm angry with everything? That there should be change? Am I complaining when I say "nothing"? I would probably say that I don't want to sound like that, but since I haven't sorted out my wits yet, I can't give a definite answer. Nor do I want to, and I don't know why. Maybe the answer's too painful and I subconciously know. Maybe I've already lost my ability to think that far, and even simple tasks will yield that conclusion and it's too painful. What I do know is that there's something I want to avoid, some solution that'll end all this pain, and it's still up to me whether I want to chase it to oblivion.
Reminds me of a carpenter's quote: "Before you get to the good phase, the good stage; you gotta go thru discomfort, HELL, better discomfort, and then Heaven." Who knows, he might just be right. Not that I believe in all that Christian garbage, cause I don't. But what he says is true; to get to something good, you have to pay with something bad. Better that you're the one that causes the bad, and if you're the controller of the bad, you can make it productive, constructive bad, almost like a "12-step Hell" sorta deal. And when you controlled the bad, the good oughta just flow from ya. Justice, I call it. Fate, whatever. I seem to be growing too fond of that word lately.
I always tell myself, "If no one knows your brilliance, then you've never really shined." That's true. But I also said that it doesn't matter if a million people know of your brilliance. So then what? Now what? I just told a million people how smart I was and they believe me. Who cares? What's the best that'll come out of it? But recently I've found myself wanting more and more to be treated like someone intelligent, not some abnormally bright half-wit who gets spurts of intelligence once in a while. And I've seen people treat me like that. It's better than what I used to get, which was the pitiful disdainful "I'll play with you because I'm so nice and you're a pathetic sap that I can bring justice to with my presence" sorta thing. But worse than even slave work where I had to be restrained because they feared me of what I could become. They place me low, but in their minds they knew who I could be and they were scared. I liked that feeling. I don't mind the menial work, the daily tasks, the hits. I could take all that. All you did was make me stronger, you fool. I'm winning and you just don't see that. I hate you. I'll overcome you one day.
Then what: my only--I don't know, but he decided to turn me in. Traitor. He won. In the end, I lost. Things have a weird way of turning out like that. And he knew that wouldn't work with me, so he did the opposite. Who knew that years of resistance to toughness would be so vulnerable to kindness. Pity. Unearned things. Unearned abstract things. Friendship. Food. Shelter. "Love". I hate all those. I haven't earned any of it. And now I take it freely. It's like a drug, all those things. Now I need it, and for no reason. I'm addicted. I'll do anything for it now. I've already betrayed myself once, what's stopping me from stabbing my ideals in the back a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th time? What can I do, but stop myself in the ultimate fashion when I'm of sound enough mind to do so? One day I will execute my plan, but not until I've rotted all other alternatives. Then I will proceed.
Anyway. The whole damn concept came from the whites and american indians. God damn the political correctness involved in naming them. Damn Christopher Columbus for getting the damn name wrong in the first place. The wrong continent even. What a moron. And we have a holiday named in honor of the idiot. *sniff*
Anyway, this is where I'll end my second post. Now I'll go check if some one my downloads are done.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 11:54 PM.
Downloading spree today. I figured out the secret to direct connect: stay on for a ridiculous number of hours and attack all the new people that just log on into the hub. Really. Just immediately double click and start searching for files you like, and if you don't have enough time to browse thru all of them just double click anything just to hold your spot. Or else that stupid "so-and-so's list is being unloaded due to idleness" will come up.
So with my newfound knowledge I went on a download spree, as I mentioned earlier. LOTS of downloads. Some I'll look at only once, keep it on the hard drive for the hell of it, and delete it when I need some extra space. Then, just to spite me of course, I'll someday need that file and I'll never find it again, but that's another story.
So what do I have now?
Ayashi No Ceres OST
Some Other Nameless OST
3x3 MP3s
DDR MP3s
Serial Experiments Lain Ep 3 (Still working on 2 and 4)
Kiss The Dragon Movie (Part 1, working on Part 2)
1 Akira MP3
The 100th Friends Episode (this was a place-holder when I couldn't find anything good)
Trigun Opening
Ghost in the Sheel Front Cover Image and Txt File (the Movie refused to download)
3 Eye of the Tiger Songs (inspired by "Athlete of the Month" show)
Pink's "Get This Party Started" MP3
Anyway, Thanksgiving wasn't that awful. My newfound skills in lying, conversation, and other various arts let me get away with lots. And I could entertain. Sorta.
My uncle went nuts over the new Pink song. That's what made me download it just now. The other uncle redecorated his house, again. No biggie. At first it was boring, just when the old people were dominating the whole arena, but then all the "young folk" (that's me) went out to watch Harry Potter. Philip had no idea what Harry Potter was. Aunt Lani freaked. So we all decided to watch it. Yla and I were bored out of out skulls because it was our 2nd time seeing it. The game part was cool though. I liked that scottish kid who played the upper classman teaching Harry how to play Quittage. Thought he was cute. And I still maintain that the guy who played Haggard was the best actor in the whole damn film. Excellent. Not to say there was much competition in that field for best acting in Harry Potter, but nevertheless, he rocked. Kept me from falling asleep.
Afterwards I think that me and Yla sorta bonded. Not too much, and definitely not enough to catch up on all those lost years, but more than I thought either capable of. We even talked a little, without being put in a situation where we had to. It was nice, I guess. Assume. Better than that. But not that great.
I also think that Louise has a new boyfriend, even tho she adamantly refuses any reference to him in that fashion. Yeah right. She's as obvious as the sun. Maybe not to her, but certainly to everyone else. God, how annoying. All the flirting. Yeack. Maybe's just me. Who knows. Cares even.
Oh no, then they got started on the "career talk". I hate that; absolutely. I don't want to work when I grow up. I did, but that's a rather painful and sad story, and maybe I'll tell it later, but can't right now. It's disgusting. All I can say is my situation's a "Double or Nothing". And I couldn't get Double, so I got Nothing. You'll scoff at me and tell me I'm being absurd or ridiculous, but what I believe is true and it hold for me, so f-you.
Careers: I repeatedly use Christina's joke about working in Kmart without ever crediting her. Not like she'd mind but goes against my own ethics to do that. Oh well. Not like they ever existed anyway. They kept on pressing for an answer, and I couldn't give them one. I won't bullshit something that I'm not ready to tell you. If I have an idea and I just don't want you to know, then I'll go ahead and throw as much crap as I want in your direction. But on top of not having an answer, I didn't want to give one. It's what I have left. Cutting off all connections with my family, starting anew, rebirth. A renaissance. Independence. I could die by myself and be happier than I would be here. In fact, I just want to get over the fact that I would die by myself and go out for the specific act of getting killed just to prove that I did something by myself.
Wow, it's scary how well "Eye of the Tiger" would fit here.
Darn. I think someone cut me off their upload. I hate those guys. I had a lot comin from that guy also.
Oh well. Seems fitting to end the post here, even tho I have more loads to say. I'll continue it in a consecutive post following this one.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 11:19 PM.
I burned off 60 kcal. Whatever that is. I'm assuming it's the size of a very small donut. Like it matters. At least I'm not unhealthily obese, which is always good. And now my foot hurts. I have to remember to burn ff9 for evan, beg him for any other psx games, or anything else. At least a favor's in call.
Copy Latin Cicero. Whatever.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 7:47 PM.
Aah, who cares. I need a good laugh anyway.
I found my assignment pad. It was hiding in my physics book, the smart little devil, knowing I wouldn't open it.
Anyway, the tests today weren't as hard as I expected. History I pro'lly did as well (or badly) as I always did. Math was susipiciously way too easy. I was done in record time. I didn't want to hand it in, (or pro'lly wanted to look like I didn't want to hand it in), so I waited til Joe P was done then I handed it in. Some I could've been more nitpicky with. Chose not to be. Only thing is: I think instead of 11 for both, I think my answer should've been 12, b/c if it's 11.xxxxxx, then you can't cut it short to 11; you gotta make it 12.
English essay intro -- I think I got it right. I can hope, but that's too far, and I tried anyway. I might just improve in that class and try harder. That's all he wants us to do, and Mike P told me my answer was okay anyway, so there.
I'm still glad that everyone's being nice to me. I think the ambush thing might be going soon. I certainly want the feeling of ambush to go away. It's nice to have some friends.
Physics grade inflater. What a joke. Only problem would've been my math, and that test was easy as hell. Like hell, whatever. Cool. Hope I got an A. Unless I made some horrible mistake and fail that test. It's all up to Lady Fate to decide.
We ladies say it's unfair in a patriarchal socity. But look at all the perks we get. Free food, carry books, "late-pass". Some teacher was really unfair to someone. (That was really vague. Moving on.) She gave him a detention after school even when I was late like a million times. Things probably were different b/c of my locker contrasting with his friend, but still. What a bitch. And she sat next to me the whole entire period and I couldn't get into a comfortable position in my seat. I couldn't sleep either. But I sure as hell paid her back by making as much noise as I possibly could've. Couldn't even finish my Xanth book. The bitch. That's my story and I'm stickin to it. :P
Downloading's become an almost-obsession with me. On and off. I usually stop when I get outta control (or maybe fate just decided on a curveball for me--suckiest downloads ever to make me frustrated and quit). Whatever. Doesn't matter. Right now it's Harry Potter I'm after. I might be getting Dragon Warrior 7 and NBA Live 2k2 in the same package. Who knows. Pro'lly won't work.
And mom's acting...like herself again. I'd honestly get scared if she ever changed positively to me. Something'd be wrong with her.
And my right foot hurts. The sole only. I stake my claim that it's still Jackie's fault. Glad we got rid of you. Don't ever come back.
Fluffy hasn't stopped by in 2 months. She's either dead, owned (same difference, huh), or nursing some kittens she doesn't want to show me. Not her fault; not my cat. It gets weirder from there. Yeah.
Homework
MacBeth, Folger Ed
Hist Proj -- 5 Articles
Hist Vocab
Reminders
Caesar practice next Mon. -- prep
Musical Score
Buy Some Ice Coffee
I know I forgot to remember something.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 5:10 PM.
I literally think I can kill someone. Even if it is me, it still counts.
Ugh, these past few days (well actually today only) have been hectic. As hell. I hate it. I hate tests, I hate the concept of them, I hate learning when I don't have the desire to, I hate improving myself to their standards. I don't want to come out as a representative of their school. I don't want to inadvertantly credit them my success just by succeeding. I hate them. They've broken me more than they'll ever know. More than I'll ever know....
People were nice again. I keep expecting a turnaround snapback sorta thing and I never get it. Well, I kinda do, but that's more of a regression than an actual snapback. Some people just get mean, and I take it personally, but then again, it's probably not, because the next day they'll be nice again, perhaps even nicer.
Cicero's taking a toll on us all. Tests are taking a toll on us all. Storipan's actually teaching her class fairly, at least compared to the other teachers, surprisingly. My guess is that the sheer amount of material we cover each chapter is what's making us stagger. Dumb sophomores. They're annoying as hell, some more than others. And some just go off the scale. I sit behind a sophomore; she's nice as hell when I talk to her outside and after school, and I guess she acts exactly the same way in class, but there're just some people you can't stand. Ever. That you just don't get along with them, never would be their friend if fate just decided to but out for once. But that's how life is, and you can't control things unless you were allowed to. I hate that. I used to think I was invincible, top of the world, everything turned out great b/c I seized the moment, I accomplished all that stuff, I succeeded. Now I find things are different. Whether the change lies in me or in the world, I don't know. Perhaps I should, and it is me that's changed; perhaps it's the world and I'm merely unable to adapt. Nevertheless, something's changed. I don't think I even care what now, like the fact rather than what became the most important part.
Caesar practice sucked. I thought it did at least. Joey's moronic encouragement got exactly what he wanted: a brainless, stifled pit band and bought him time to fix things before people started getting restless. I wonder how people become such great masters of procrastination yet never fully understand the simplicity of...what is simple. To me only, perhaps. Orama seems to understand, yet she knows her place, that it's new and fragile and shouldn't be tampered with. Maybe mine is too and I just don't realize it. Adam's just his great ol' self, never changing, like a static piece of mass in the fickle standards of time. (Yea, I kno Wicke, "reword that a little better". What a pain in the ass.) Joe's gotten more annoying. Might've been Tracy. I think the solid foundation stone's not been removed from Tracy, but rather from Joe. He's been acting weirder since that accident. Whatever. None of my concern. And now he's acting totally bimbo. -ish. Sure, that's works. I still retain that John Bilby is one of the greatest characters in time that I will have ever met in my entire life. It's nice to meet people that make their mark on you. I still have to write my "Who's who" article-section thingy. What a pain. Frank's also in it, surprisingly. I guess Joe just needed to draft someone else. Louie didn't show up; figures. "Tall-John" (not Bilby) didn't show either, but I don't like that one. He bothers me; I guess just another one of those people I can't get along with personally. Internally. (That deserved another "Whatever", but I'll keep those in a minimum today. Can't abuse my quota.) Quotas. Ha. I totally abused the gong--waay overused, imo. No one else thought so, but then again, no one else sat next to the gong. :P John did a terrible job, but it was all good because he was a good-natured sport about the whole deal and his aura/atmosphere just kept me from killing everyone.
Now that's strange: I'm usually very good at keeping my temper in control, but it doesn't really fade out like others' do; once it's gone, it just dissapears, pops away and I explode in anger. No warning. But luckily I also recover quickly. Reflexes, I call them. I just stop, without warning, just like I start I guess. I wish I could do that on command, conciously.
All in all a "spunky" rehearsal. I had to use that word.
spunk�y - sp�ngkee - (adj) energetic and courageous: very lively, determined, and courageous (informal)
3 tests tomorrow. 3, can you believe it? And all subjects I chose not to study for over the weekend. I needed the break and ended up paying for it today. No problem. Learning fast-cramming can help you in life one day. Seeing as that nothing will ever be this hard in my entire life, ever again. Ah, but we can be hopeful.
Ugh, not another Harry Potter ad. And dad's getting pissy (again). I hate him. Another person I can't get along with that fate just decided to pair me up with. :P What a woeful day. A couple people, more than I predicted, actually admitted to seeing it, and perhaps more went. Even more told me they were planning to go see it. Terry even asked me how it was and threw my opinion out the window after I told her I hadn't read the books yet. I'm planning to, you know, just waiting for so-and-so to pass 'em on to me. Plus I have to finish my Xanth novel (series, if you count the rest on my bookshelf), the Belgariad at least far later on, and scramble to finish the Harry Potter books. Not to mention the Dragonsong book sitting on my drawer-cart thing. What a day.
Music teachers suck. I just realized that. All of them. Not personally as I'd previously thought, but as a collective. Catholic ones are particularly annoying, esp when they think they're funny. Ah well: learn something new every day.
Think I scared Wicke, like literally terrified him. Not really, he just seems to think it's all one big giant game. I'm playing it too, and only select people can actually see the depth at which I play. Debbie thinks it's a joke, and part of it is, but I'm dead serious about playin this guy--he's really annoying, and it's been a while since I've taken one of these games seriously. I used to be good at least, and you had to at least give me moderate credit. But I was the master. Perfectly flawed. Beautifully crafted personalities, different ones. Good judges of character knew immediately who I was, even at a glance. Sharp teachers had me sent to be checked, and I baffled even the best of counselors, psychologists, and police. Beautiful. Perhaps I exaggerate, but 'tis what I was good at. My skills. Useless you say, but look how far they've gotten me. And yet, look where I ended up. Perhaps they are indeed useless.
Too much philosophical garbage isn't good for the brain.
And mom forgot the Folger Edition of MacBeth. Even with the note. She at least got the magazines for me to leaf thru articles to hunt for amendments stuff. Didn't have time. Didn't make time. Probably didn't want to, but that never matters anyway. I would've read MB if I had time or my eng book. I'm wasting time right now, 2 hours in fact, in writing this post. Maybe I had a lot to say, or just gave that illusion to avoid work. Ha, and I say Joey Cullinan's bad. I even fool myself; maybe I'll one day overtake him and become the new master of procrastination. Frank's a competitor. Who cares. Doesn't put enough effort in avoiding effort. Not contradictory enough. Doesn't ignore bad grammer like I do. Who cares, I'm already the master! Geez. I need a life, a good one.
Hope I don't fail tomorrow. Must read the chapter. Tomorrow. Now I sleep or nap. If I wake, I read. If not, I fail.
Lemme get my schedule down (b/c I lost my assign. pad) >:(
Before bell - History, all of it. Mebe even Deb's NB
HR - Math.
4 - Physics, hopefully. Dumb movie's giving me a headache.
Looks like I won't get any reading done. Damn. Like it mattered.
Well that was one long fucking post. Maybe I can tone down the crankiness in the next one, hmm? Do you have faith in me? The real sense of faith, not the fake one that Christians like to hide behind? It's like a great rabbit/fox hunt thing: "Don't hide in the same goddamn bush all the time!" Oh well. Ciao. Nothing witty to say this time. That quote was bad. Joe's a pain. Sue D's really good, but I think she took my compliment as an empty one. Don't blame her; I delivered it empitly. Another perseon I can't get along with. Dunno why. She brings it out in me. When I'm not talking to her and just observing her I seem like I can be at least not a cheap friend. But that's what I end up being. Who knows, who cares.
SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY
Bubble II went to gong lessons 12:44 AM.
Well it's official: Jen went to go see the Harry Potter movie.
That's another annoyance that's popped along: talking in third person. It started out as one of those make-ya-happy jokes, and it does, and at a point in my life it came so naturally to me that it became an annoyance. Now my lack of them's made me realize how important they are.
Lotsa things happen that way.
Anyway, still I want to become the person I was. That'd be cool. But I can't. So oh well.
Another thing: I say "oh well" too much.
Anyway, jokes are good, life is good unless it sucks, and food is always good, unless you need an easy way to die.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 2:05 PM.
I haven't written in a while. Means something. ::chooses not to decipher:: Even the "chore" of having to upkeep this blog is getting to me. Some crisis'll come up to destroy my newfound confidence and once again make me dependent on a pathetic machine. Oh well, such is the life of Jen. *Didn't expect it to sound that sappy/crabby.*
I wish the people offering to get me an mp3 player would hurry up with it. They can't seem to figure out which one to give me. I thought I was targeting a cheap one, but if I get the fancy million-dollar sony one, I won't need to "upgrade" to a better one later.
Dance pads are phun. Songs stuck in your head aren't.
I also want to go see the Harry Potter movie. As everyone else does. I just might be able to go today. Wanted to bring a friend, but I don't wanna bother with her demanding why I chose an early show to go to. (Yeah, I planned to go at 9:24am. Sue me. I dare you.) Hope the movie lives up the the rukus.
As usual, I have loads of not so much written homework due, but studying. I went to a sweet 16 this Friday and I saw one of the school's alumni. Unfortunately it was the chatty one. And it appears now that he's turned stuckup. Oh well. I can deal with that. It's when he puts me to sleep with his glee-club news. But he did tell me one thing interesting: "You've gotta learn to sit your ass down and study." Damn. Looks like college life'll suck after all. But I keep in the brightest hopes that anything'll be better than BGA.
Again, I owe my healing process to my wonderful mentor David Eddings. Man's a genius. Characterization's like second nature to him. Plots, scenes, humor, all that too. But that characterization....
That's all for now. Tune in perhaps next week. Unless I'm too busy with something.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 9:39 AM.
I hate people who mess with your computer. Don't you hate those guys?
"You have no right to mess with my computer!"
"Um...oops. Sorry."
And I don't know what I'd do here.
Listening to mp3s is nice. I want my mp3 player right now. I have to buy cookies for our nonexistant coffeehouse that I don't know is yet totally dismissed. Joe and Mike know. I feel horrible. Personally responsible (to them even), yet I don't see any way how I could've prevented it. That.
I'm sure Sue's laughing her head off. At me. The "public" me.
Weird weird reasons. Sorry I freaked you out Nina. Like I said, weird weird reasons.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 2:22 PM.
I should really repay them for their kindness. This is really too much. I almost feel afraid of being ambushed b/c I want to experience and feel this feeiling, making me not want not to lower my guard.
Confusing, I know.
I'm still waiting for them to talk about the English project. I might just start a plan of my own.
Long-term homework
1. History project -- find 5 articles
6. MacBeth/Vocab 1-12/Notes
I showed my teacher the doubts I've been having about the musical. I'm scared. Terrified. I'm afraid the godzilla will kill me. The reaction's not what I expected: again, "ambush-shield" goes up.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 7:41 PM.
Must get DDR. Borrow from Evan. Give him FF9. Fair trade.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 10:23 PM.
I find myself inspired to write some music from other music.
Yes, it's stealing, but what other options do I have? I haven't an inspirational event happening in my lifetime (don't even start about the planes who miss their targets) and I must steal.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 8:52 PM.
I am thus sad again. What disease plagues me that I forbid my own healing?
Bubble II went to gong lessons 8:30 PM.
Note to self: Never Use Bullets in HTML.
1. They're ugly.
2. They don't conserve that much space.
3. The P and BR tags are so much easier to handle and much more aesthetically pretty.
I'll never do that again.
Gotta start my hw. And delete this terrible claimed gw mp3 which it obviously isn't.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 4:21 PM.
And now I have homework
1. Ch 9 Voc Test tom.
2. HW
5. Grammer Book work
8. Finish quiz + ws #2 problems
Long-term homework
1. History project -- find 5 articles
6. MacBeth/Vocab 1-12/Notes
Tomorrow
1. Ch 9 Voc Test
2. Check hw, new material
4. ???
5. ???
6.
7/8. Lab
Jazz Band
What I want to do
Internet: download, surf, chat, site
Piano: practice & prep
Home: Music, comp, ff9, read, call danielle
::Runs away::
I'm gonna newscast again. Seems like not making sadistic judgements of my doom or newscasting's harder than it looks. And I don't want to recite poems or lyrics everytime I post either.
::So here's the News:::
Coffeehouse -- should I perform? Help? Posters? Tickets definitely.Eng Renaissance project -- I heard my name come up when Mike and Joe talked. Hope they ask me, but probably won't. Still hoping.
Band -- rehearsal, musical music, mall, etc. Probably more I didn't mention.
CSCA -- Brighton Gardens, questioning my own membership, Sr. C is a pain.
JC -- wuss. still.
JK -- depressed freak. "Look at yourself."
N -- President of the Ruby-fanclub.
For homework, I have another history project due--yippie, now I get to hunt for amendments? *reeked sarcasm there* And an english project which I hope Mike and Joe are considering me for. Yeah right. I forgot that Sean was in that class. Never mind.
I cleared out my hard drive. Spent at least 3 hrs of aggravation trying to unstuck my computer and free up some space. CB's gone, LH's gone, RK's still here (god who knows why).
I'm starting to read again. I have to say it: Reading's really helped alot. I guess that's how I got so smart in the first place. (Jeez that makes me sound like an ass Sue. Either one works.) I'm usually okay, but when I see all the shit and melodrama I have to put up with, I react funny. Funnily. Whatever.
I also visited a good site, but I choose not to post it until I've read it all over. It's huge. But all of it makes sense. It looks like the author worked really hard on it, and I want to soak it all up before I passed a crummy judgement on it.
Ha. Crummy Judgment.
You've heard this one before: The 4 Choices of God.
1. Wants to eliminate evil but can't.
2. Can eliminate evil, but doesn't want to.
3. Can and wants to.
4. Neither can nor wants to.
Now you explain to me why the hell we're blowing buildings up.
Reread my posts. Guess it hasn't been enough time for me to be different enough to see real change. Theoretically I don't want to change. I hope I don't. But do I want to live in hell forever? So I really should try as hard as I can to get out, right? But the fact that I still see it as hell means a lot. If I lost that vision as well, I have no standard to compare it against.
Like I said, not enough time's passed yet.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 2:51 AM.
::sings:: Jen's getting an mp3 player! Jen's gettin' an mp3 player, woohoo! And a panasonic one, not some cheapy piece of sh*t, yippie! Well, it is sorta cheap, but at least it's not like Rio or TDK. And a buddy of the family's got a handsome discount on it! What luck!
Tah, well. ::sings some more::
Bubble II went to gong lessons 1:13 AM.
Sounds stupid? Well it is.
Does anyone have any Terry Pratchett or Orson Scott Card books? Please??? I need to read something good, or my brains will rot. David Gemmell works too, but not too up to reading that stuff right now. I might even pick up an Anne Rice book or two, simply cause my friend's got loads of those.
Did you know Heaven's a 1500mi^3 borg cube? I didn't. Now I do, and so do you.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 1:05 AM.
Want to reboot. Can't. Running an uninteruptable task right now. Went out. Saw Miracle Worker. Ate at Wendy's. Came back. It's still not done. Darn. Can't do anything now but...*checks*...wait for 6 more hours.
::sigh::
I really should read my Garion books. Or better yet do my religion questions, all of them. Read chapter 3, but I highly doubt that.
This happens after every post: I look back and say "Is this the self-image I want to impose?" I don't think it's the conceited brand of self-image talk; I could bs it and say that I'm cooking up whatever self-image I'll use, but that's not it.
Like now: I want to change the last post. People might see something I'm not prepared to show. But life isn't all about that. You live with whatever shit you create. So suck it up and live.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 10:19 AM.
I've just noticed, we're a pathetic bunch of saps. Just at my school. I see everyone else knockin around and having fun and we just...rot. That comes with doing. I will do something.
I want to feel bad for JK, and maybe I just don't know enough of the situation, but I can't help feeling that he could really get out of it if he really want to. He asked "How do you get a girl who's known you all your life to stop liking you?" Ask her to stop. It's been bothering me and I haven't said anything, but now it's up to the point where it's messing with my daily functioning. Stop.
Yeah, I could've reworded that, but I'm too brainwashed/dead right now. Can't.
F confirmed that JC's chica is JB. As I suspected. What a mess. He should've said no. Jesus Christ, a little lying's necessary once in a while. Keeps the world goin round. Can you imagine the unemployment rate if we suddenly all decided to be honest? It'll put the world into chaos and screw with our money system. Not to mention the existing moral code, but who really gives a damn about those anyway?
I feel like a newscaster. I should start making judgements on these events. I feel like a gossiper, except that's the opposite of what I am. I don't say anything, it's stuck in my head to the point of getting stagnant, and voila! Another string is broken on my head.
My judgement: JC's a screwup. He doesn't know that JB's only a kid (sorta still--the events seem to have prematurely given her the bad temperment that all adults seem to have) and that when she'll change, she'll be a different person. It's the nature of man. The caterpillar looks nothing like the butterfly. The more grotesque and fat-looking the caterpillar is, the more beautiful the butterfly. All creatures act the same way: harsher conditions breed a stronger person. That's why I hate my place so much. I seem stingy and selfish and stupid when I'm not thankful for what I have, but I have reason to be. And if I want to sacrifice my selfimage for ideals, sure, why not. I want to be thankful for what I earned, not what's given to me by some idiot. (Or a bunch of them)
Bubble II went to gong lessons 10:09 AM.
Surprisingly I have nothing to say. I'm beginning to find true joy in just observing again. One must be neutral in observance--you can't say whether you like it or not, you don't, and all you can do is see how you can be better.
::sings:: "Don't wanna be the one to pop your cherry girl...." O.o
Bubble II went to gong lessons 9:45 AM.
I want to draw, but it brings too much pain. Don't ask, it's weird and so am I.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 12:04 AM.
How sad am I? Someone didn't show up. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I'm not, kinda. Just dissapointed. I really wanted that person to show so that (even if we didn't dance) we could hang out. It's okay. I got to hang out w/ JK. He's cool. F's really cranky and crabby. Overall the party was okay. Like school, and w/ my 3 years of expertise and experience in that field I knew how to stall and imitate it perfectly like I do at school.
Sad how I'm still listening to YATTA. It's like YMCA Jap version. Kreepy stuff.
Now to read Planet Garion stuff. ::grin::
JC: "Ha! Jen knows how to fake interest easily!"
AW: "What?"
JC "Nothing."
If he only knew....
Bubble II went to gong lessons 11:23 PM.
Time to go to Christina's party. Hope I look nice enough, but not too nice. Hope she likes the gift.
Didn't I go through this earlier?
Hope people I know are there. Hope I behave alright. Hope my mom doesn't act like a pain in the --- but, oh, too late.
Hope someone's there. What confusion and craziness. *Think fun thoughts, Jen....*
Bubble II went to gong lessons 6:51 PM.
I probably shouldn't say this, not only for stupid moral codes I barely care about, but b/c she might actually stumble in here. Like she does, the big egomaniac, but I have exceptional luck for bad things to happen to me.
I hate big losers like Sue D'Addio--wth? Your average isn't the only thing. Personality, for instance. She makes me feel like I want to hit her. That's not good. Hopefully someone braver than me will hit her someday in my place. Or maybe I'll become super-talented, surpass her, and one day be able to hit her myself.
Please know it's not personal. Well, it sorta is. Things like this can't be anything but personal. But, had anyone else done the same thing, I would have the same personal enmity towards them. I hate her, and other people like that.
And it's not isolated or aimed at soley smart people. (only her, lol -- j/k) But seriously, I admire people like Joe and Joe and Liz, and maybe Ally. I'm not too sure about her yet. If she's gonna turn into another Sue D, then forget about it.
The weird thing is the beast-part I hate most about her, I hardly see in front of me. But I see the scratchings and marks it leaves behind. Not hard to figure out wth's going on.
Will, I saw ur profile -- at least ur sister had the good grace to put my name up there, but as I see it I'm totally ignored? I could have just thrown you overboard when you were little and no one would've given a second thought to you. :P
My cds suck. The Franz Liszt didn't have what I was looking for. The Still Life was *cringe* country. Hate country. At least it was a modernized country, and I can use the lyrics and cover art if nothing else works. I still have to listen to the b12 one, but the New City Jazz one really did give the images of the cities. But I'd have prefered a real jazz cd. At least there were no vocal tracks--hate those.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 4:56 PM.
I just came back from the dollar store.
That another thing: I don't understand nor do I like how kids cringe from the thought of going to or coming from the dollar store. They have lotsa useful things that everyone else pays a ridiculous amount of money for. But another story, another day.
I got these nifty cd's there. Yes, $1 cds. I wanted to see if anything interested me, and was kinda disapointed when there was no selection to pick out of. They had all crappy looking cds (so I can't really judge, but I really had nothing else to go on). I might try next time if the ones I bought are good, and come back w/ 7 instead of 4 cds. Some I bought on whim by the cover only.
Titles:
New City Jazz - Not only jazz, but they refer to actual cities! It has songs like Montreal Pulse, Tokyo Express, Cinema Roma, etc. I love this! And I can actually picture myself listening to this.
B12: TimeTourist - Definiteliy bought this on whim. Didn't want to initially,
but the cover art later convinced me to. It looks so science-fictiony,
and reminds me of an Anne McCaffrey cover.
Franz Liszt - bought basically cause I like Hungarian Symphony No. 5. It's creepy. I like it tho. The case was all banged up and broken, but it was the only one there, and only $1, so what the heck.
the connels: Still Life - I'm still having qualms about this one. I like the back cover, and that was the ultimate deciding choice. But the front makes my uneasy, and anything named "the connels" always puts me off immediately. But the track titles and the back cover's simplicity and the price overruled any doubt.
Now to listen to them and come back with some sketchy review.
Plus I have to remember to read and finish the Bel/Mal series. Can't stress enough how much those books have done to my temperment recently.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 4:30 PM.
Danielle, I'll get cracking on the Dragonsong book. Now might be a good time (while we still have some) to dig up any other extraneous and strange materials in our room that we forgot/didn't bother/never got to returning. Gosh, you'll have to list the stuff we're both missing, cause I'm totally lost. Either that, or we'll just ignore that I ever made this statement and go on living life w/ each other's stuff, wondering where our own stuff is. DE's books are scary. In a good way. Sorta almost.
Ling, you have to tell me what to do w/ your blog. I'm at a stalemate unless you tell me to move. This is cool, I never got to design someone else's blog before. ::acting cheeky::
___________________________________________
WINTER WISH
chiisana shiawase o daiji ni atatameteta
nee, omou to mune no oku konna ni itaku naru no
anata no me anata no koe subete itoshikute...
konayuki ga hoho ni maiori namida ni kawatta
itsu made mo soba ni ite kono te o hanasanai de
fuyu no sora kirameku hoshi wa futari o tsutsunda
shiroi kata shiroi iki anata to kanjiteru WINTER WISH
yorisoi aruita umizoi no yuuenchi
nee, kanransha ni notte hikari no machi miyou yo
tooku naru umi to awai kiss ga setsunakute...
hajimari wa konayuki no IVU chiisana SUTORI
dare yori mo aishiteru kono te o hanasanai de
arukidasu futari no mirai naranda ashiato
nukumori mo yasashisa mo anata to dakishimeru WINTER WISH
konayuki ga hoho ni maiori namida ni kawatta
itsu made mo soba ni ite kono te o hanasanai de
fuyu no sora kirameku hoshi wa futari o tsutsunda
shiroi kata shiroi iki anata to kanjiteru WINTER WISH
Bubble II went to gong lessons 4:02 PM.
Ick. Just had to try on a dress. Don't like dresses. Look funny in one. Will definitely be laughed at, or emptily praised. Hopefully no one will say anything. The weirdest thing is I don't know what I want. So I'll just take it at face value. Like documents. They're easily forged, but to save time and energy I make it a practice to accept them all at face value.
Tolnedrans are so cool. Stingy, but like the Bear-man said, "That one's exceptionally likable." So not all things are like how you percieve them.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 11:13 AM.
Annoyances
Jesus Christ, that doctor won't leave me alone~ he keeps bugging my about appointments and wheneve r I go all he talks about is that stupid ointment I put on my leg. According to him, I was supposed to be a cripple for at least a week, so he hears I'm playing gym again (from my busybody mom) and now I'm in the situation you see me in. Everyone knows he wants to sell the damn thing anyway.
Party Prep
I have to go prepare for Christina's party today. I hope people I know will be there. I hope that my present'll be enough and that she'll like it. I hope I have some fun. I hope I don't cringe in the corner like I usually do.
Mini-Rant
I ask for too much. This is how I am. If it doesn't bother me, why change? If it bothers someone else, why change for them?
Post-Mini-Rant Comment
I love Eddings books. They're the greatest, and they do whatever the hell books are supposed to do to a person. Great stuff. Good reading. Nice.
I still have to cook up that list of people that annoyed me. Lol, I love that idea. Thanks KW.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 10:56 AM.
Why did our dumb football team had to win this game? I mean, rank-wise and politically I could appreciate a win, but honestly, are they trying to kill us? I nearly froze my feet off tonight and it wasn't nearly as cold as it was on homecoming, or so I was told. I tend not to believe anyone anymore. :)
My 3rd day without homework. It feels weird. I like having no work. Still feels weird. Ally Schwed totally spazzed out in a need to do something, like finishing her religion questions. Actually that might not be a bad idea, and I might actually consider doing some work for a change. I still have to finish my map for the ::fear:: midterm.
"No Jen, don't." That's what Nate would probably say now. If he were concious enough to hear me.
And I probably shouldn't. I don't believe worrying about it now will help me anymore later. So I don't want to think about midterms anymore, yet at the same time, I know if I work on it more and think conciously about wanting to do well it'll eventually lead to something that I'll do better at. What a confusing...blurb.
Coolness, someone I know finally signed the gb! That's kinda creepy tho, but creepy, new and innovative's better than old, stupid, boring and stale anyday.
Oy, everyone knew it was gonna happen. LH mp3s. I don't even know what I see in that show. Maybe to immerse myself in stupid dreamlike states away from the harsh (yet ultimately cool) realities of CB. Lol, I speak in code, and NO ONE knows what I'm talking about. ::grin::
Bubble II went to gong lessons 11:45 PM.
There, ya happy? I finally divulged my top-secret url to you. Now you'll read all about how my life totally sucks and how much I complain of my lack of self-development, you self-centered little monster. :)
Bubble II went to gong lessons 11:04 PM.
This is so cool. My other friend's gonna either start a site or make a blog. :)
I hate football games. In the biting cold. With no food. And winning also....
We should lose so I don't have to suffer in the cold and sit on bird crap.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 11:02 PM.
No homework the rest of this week. Game I don't wanna go to. Cold. Too warm with the sweater on. Slow connection. Still a connection. All's good. All's well. I'm happy.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 7:40 PM.
My friend is the coolest person. He's really nice too. (It's just my personal opinion that people try hard enough to see.) Sent me the funniest and most disturbing thing I've ever seen. I threatened him to pay my therapy bills, but since he sent me more I forgave him. I like to think that someone tries to make me happy once in a while, even a little bit. I'd like to think that I have one more friend than I did yesterday
What a good day.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 7:21 PM.
I told this to everyone. Basically they all told me to stuff it and took it as a joke that I'm so incredibly smart that I'm worried about an 83. Well of course I'm gonna be fucking worried. Never got anything that low and disgraceful ever. Even if I discounted that, it was EASY. There's nothing hard in those classes, even Wicke's if you do the bulk of your work at home. But a joke's a joke, and maybe I just don't get it.
I so wanna read planet Garion again. It has the best mix of humor/character/dialogue/plot I've ever seen mixed into a roleplaying genre. Even now I think it's one of the greatest I've ever read. Also gotta get my hands on some Pratchett books. I tell everyone that to sorta remind/make it obligatory by popular knowledge sorta thing.
No one'll believe me, but that's alright.
I have to hand in my history map. Apparently I was the only one who didn't know it was due today. Now I have no one to copy off of. Remember tomorrow. At least I don't have hw in any other suject.
No one'll know me, but that's alright.
I also wanna get my hands on some heavy sci-fi reading material. I miss that sorta "what in god's hell is this" reaction, and the "oh, I fucking get it--I'm smarter than everyone else" feeling. I haven't felt that way in a while. Illusions are necessary.
No one'll bother me, but that's alright.
I think Jck finally got how badly he injured my leg. I tried going to give them a note yesterday, but that false hope ended with an ignored demeanor, contempt for my inability to follow directions and rules, and overall disdain for not joining a sport. I think the gym teachers hate me. Not a vital loss, but it's nice to gain the respect of someone who hates you. Because it was too much trouble, the note leaped into the garbage and my leg cried "mercy" but I can live with a little personal discomfort. About the job situation, everyone's giving their support and still letting me stay even when they can find someone else. I guess it's too hard to find someone who'll work at those ridiculous rates, but I like the place. They're almost like family. Closer than the one I've got anyway. But they give me free food when I need it and a place to stay when I can't sleep in my house. I like them. And they totally humiliated Jack by making him leave until he feels it's right to come back.
And if you do read this, I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm not showing you up, I'm not putting you down, I'm not taking over, I'm not bothering with you, so just decide
Bubble II went to gong lessons 6:55 PM.
I feel I can't go on
another moment, another day.
Life remains absolutely unbearable.
I want to just close my eyes
and cease to exist.
But death does not come so easily.
And although I cannot bear it, I still live on
My heart still beats,
My breath ceaselessly enters...
Bubble II went to gong lessons 10:24 PM.
BROKEN POST JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT
I stopped b'c I saw how long it was.
Living in the Past
I want to rewrite the story about the vendeusse who sold...crap. And draw pictures for people, like I used to. Just for fun. I hate all this...not pressure...the feeling that says "I don't care about what you think but I'll do it b/c the mini-society/evironment created in this school says to". I feel that pressure has to do with sincere wish to do well. No outside reasons. Just you. Making the term an obsolete oxymoron, and therefore the term isn't really a problem for me is it? To eliminate these immortal gods, all you have to do is open up your brain a little. Same thing can happen with the big-god as well. Open your brain, and *poof* (I prefer *splat*)--he's gone. Nonexistant. Abstractly? Yes. But his existance was abstract as well, so I have every right to use that.
Getting down to it, I really don't care about myself. Not anymore. I never cared about myself the body, myself the person, myself the human, soul, being, identity, whatever. I give all that up to succeed. That's how I win, the lengths I'll go to achieve goals I believe in. And now you tell me that's wrong? How dare you. You have no right. You never achieved my height, and you don't know what I experienced, you don't know me, my situation, or anything that justifies YOU. By my physics you should have died a long time ago. How, why, I don't care. Doesn't matter. If not this, then another. You died from justice. You died b/c someone else killed you. An unjust person by your standards? Fine. Even if you twist his circle-headed ideas to fit into your square-shaped head? Sure. Doesn't matter. Luck, Fate, Injustice, or even Justice should've killed you one way or another. That's why you must embrace ONE. Pick one and steadfastly put your entire soul into it. If that hasn't worked, no half-assed bullshit theory of yours is gonna work either, so might as well.
"Hold your temper. At all costs. When you cannot hold it any longer, Don't."
I had a master that once told me that. I was told that I held my temper too well. I wasn't able to summon the anger I needed, and thus wasted much in everything. It's not killing or stopping up the anger that makes you strong, it's redirecting it to help you. Like channeling your angry ki to help you in battle.
But what's happened to me? I won. By losing. You wanted a character with flaws? To tell them it's okay to have flaws? I don't want you to tell me something I already knew and take credit for "teaching" me. I'm better than you. I can't refute you, because I believe in what I already do. You state and restate the redundant, and recieve more and more praise, as I merely stand still--the ultimate sin. No one sees this. They only see how it affects them. They give the benefit of the doubt. It hasn't helped. It is now time to strike unforgivably against all that has...I should stop.
Disgusting. At least before I had enough of a will to want to spit back at your face; now I even lack the self-respect to want that.
I always tell myself hate is the strongest emotion ever known to mankind. Most potential compared to everything else. All you need to do is look at the beasts we so scorn and disdain, that so resemble the truthful versions of ourselves. Fear, love, hunger, weakness, death, life, all conquered by our strongest potential. Hate's our only saving force if aliens decide to come and start dissecting us. Who are we to argue? But I've given up on hate, merely relying on the illusion of hate. And illusion depends on something: reality. If there was no reality to begin with, or it was replaced, killed, taken away, whatever: illusion is wrong, doesn't mirror reality. Thus making the term another oxymoron. Nonexistant. So there is no hate. But there is hate of the lack of hate. That's as clear as mud. So's my situation, so we're on the same page.
If you haven't noticed, I
I hate myself, what I'd become, what I could possibly worsen into. I hate my future corpse, and all the people that will have been affected by me. I hate everything I change--they define my existence. If nothing changed between existing and not, then i don't exist.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 9:20 PM.
::You're Late Again::
Finally I get to spend some time with my good friend. It's been a while since I've actually seen her and she's been in my house. Her computer's broken (again) and I couldn't fix it. That's bad. Usually I could do something about it. Reinstall 98, kill the crummy driver and replace it, something. But this time they're telling her she fried her mobo. Good job. Now she has to deal with that stupid compaq guy (we need to make a song about him) and wait another 12 years for them to get her multimedia flabberjabber working again.
::What's With All The Tests?::
I totally failed physics. Calculator decided to freak on me. Now I'm also scared about math cause my calc might've spazzed on there also, but it seemed too easy... No one cared about latin, and I got an 85 on my vocab test. I guess I should be happy about that, but it seemed so reminiscent of Mr. Nolan's vocab tests that I used to ace that I got kinda sad that I couldn't do any better than a B. I guess I'll get a C for the qtr, C+ if I'm lucky.
::Freelancing Thoughts--No Lid, No Order::
I hate my life. But I hate latin even more. I seem to get more annoying as time goes on. I shouldn't worry, and it probably did me no good anyway, but people will always grab onto something they're losing--even if they don't need it. Goes with their need to have something, even without reason. So I don't need their friendship, probably don't even like it, but since it's something I have, I don't want to lose it. My brand of logic's hard to digest. That's what the reality-supplement/soma pills are for.
::Disorder and Chaos::
Anyway, our latin teacher gave us the most pointless test today. And fucked up the feng shui of the Latin room. "The Carma's all wrong", the energy flow's gone, the chi turned into sheng chi. (The rotting dead kind where you get sick for no reason). I could feel it. My seat is specifically in the SW corner: the EARTH element. Great. Selfishness, imperiousness, stubborness (cause of the new witch); loss of equilibrium (aka Mr. Nolan), obesity, abdominal swelling, and eating disorders (if I keep eating Anthony's pot-infested gummy snacks). My seat in specific also shows losses due to covetousness and theft. Meaning: didn't cheat well enough.
::Re-learn Something::
I gotta brush up on my feng shui skills. People pay good money for me to rearrange their houses. Me and a "professional" but same difference. Mostly those sick/crisis/long-term problem sorta people need the most help. No big surprise: their house is a dump! No order at all. You can feel the vibes rotting your soul there. All the same, money is money, and if it's worth it, it's a bargain, so go for it.
::Things to write about later today:::
1. Half-day
2. How tests went
3. How Katie got a higher grade than me
4. Danielle's coming over -- BEP
5. Katie T. imed me.
6. JK stopped to almost talk to me. My fault.
7. JC acts weirder and weirder everyday
::Things to remember to do::
1. History assignment
2. Don't sleep -- short term memory, remember?
3. Math Test -- study in homeroom
4. Latin Test -- study in gym
5. Eng Voc -- study in gym
6. Physics Test -- study in lunch??? At all? Screw this test....
Bubble II went to gong lessons 2:46 AM.
*sings* I'm gonna fail and I don't care, I'm gonna fail and I don't care.
I'm gonna read some more Garion and figure a way to get my hands on some frickin Pratchett books. Danielle's gotta have something.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 2:13 AM.
Ohaiyo.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 1:35 AM.
Today is a particularly hard day for thinking of nice things to write about.
I slept the rest of the day away hoping I'd rid my life of my mom and dad right now. I hate them. I don't think they like me. Most kids don't have the right nor ability to even say that, but then again my situation's always been a bit funny.
My parents. My real ones. I never thought about them before. I don't want to think about them now. It just goes to show prove that thinking like the dumb school leads to weakness. So many kids that have arrived in the place I so wanted to go know and understand this; so many kids that have worst situations than me.
I have no one I don't want to become. While others had role models I had "anti-role-model". And you took that away from me as well. How could you, knowingly, even? Deprived of seeing what would ultimately be me, I head straight for that direction even as I talk now, and one day I'll not only reach it, but I'll do worse.
I want to cry. At the same time I know it won't help. It's unlike me, anyway, so what would be the point? Wouldn't fix anything. I have something that could tho--finally, a note, from a real doctor.
Math help sorta worked. The note better fix everything else. I'll take gym up to the library and study for the rest of the day there. Religion should be another haven. I feel so unprepared but also feel I can't do anything about it. The new me freaks out. The new me cries. Reading another's blog helps me realize to "leave it in fate's hands". I used to do that a lot until all the garbage about god this, god that. I don't want to leave it in an incompetant's hands. I wish I had the courage to say that in front of the religion teacher, in front of any religion teacher. Except Mrs. Farrell. I like her, even tho many other people don't. I also like Ms. Savnor. Luzhak's a different story, but I can't exactly pin down what I don't like, so I'm probably neutral with her. I can understand weird situations. Maybe I just can't understand that everyone else does too, thus thinking I'm somehow special out of hundreds.
I haven't made one effort for Vocab. If there's anything I must work for, it's that. I'll go upstairs with the tape-recorder after I'm done writing this monologue. Blog rhymes with monologue.
Physics--terrified. It's easy. No one thinks of helping me, nor wants to. No one wants to help themselves. We hold ourselves in illusion by calling ourselves honors. It's a name, and replacable just like any other. I could be called Alice, Marie, even Jim. I can do just the same with honors: slackers, idiots, self-indulgent fools, whiners, complainers, stuck-up arrogance. Any of those fit. Right now esp. I don't want to turn into that. But I also don't want to be labeled "the 2nd Carmella". Lord knows I have the ability to. How the hell else did I get here the first place? I had a brain, but more importantly I knew how to use it. Pencils are useless to those who can't write. Maybe I shouldn't have a need for pencils. I'm a bum. I tell people that and they laugh. But one day I will become a bum. I'll run away, just as I've done in the past.
Life's a dream. Be there.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 10:54 PM.
Today is a particularly hard day for thinking of nice things to write about.
I slept the rest of the day away hoping I'd rid my life of my mom and dad right now. I hate them. I don't think they like me. Most kids don't have the right nor ability to even say that, but then again my situation's always been a bit funny.
My parents. My real ones. I never thought about them before. I don't want to think about them now. It just goes to show prove that thinking like the dumb school leads to weakness. So many kids that have arrived in the place I so wanted to go know and understand this; so many kids that have worst situations than me.
I have no one I don't want to become. While others had role models I had "anti-role-model". And you took that away from me as well. How could you, knowingly, even? Deprived of seeing what would ultimately be me, I head straight for that direction even as I talk now, and one day I'll not only reach it, but I'll do worse.
I want to cry. At the same time I know it won't help. It's unlike me, anyway, so what would be the point? Wouldn't fix anything. I have something that could tho--finally, a note, from a real doctor.
Math help sorta worked. The note better fix everything else. I'll take gym up to the library and study for the rest of the day there. Religion should be another haven. I feel so unprepared but also feel I can't do anything about it. The new me freaks out. The new me cries. Reading another's blog helps me realize to "leave it in fate's hands". I used to do that a lot until all the garbage about god this, god that. I don't want to leave it in an incompetant's hands. I wish I had the courage to say that in front of the religion teacher, in front of any religion teacher. Except Mrs. Farrell. I like her, even tho many other people don't. I also like Ms. Savnor. Luzhak's a different story, but I can't exactly pin down what I don't like, so I'm probably neutral with her. I can understand weird situations. Maybe I just can't understand that everyone else does too, thus thinking I'm somehow special out of hundreds.
I haven't made one effort for Vocab. If there's anything I must work for, it's that. I'll go upstairs with the tape-recorder after I'm done writing this monologue. Blog rhymes with monologue.
Physics--terrified. It's easy. No one thinks of helping me, nor wants to. No one wants to help themselves. We hold ourselves in illusion by calling ourselves honors. It's a name, and replacable just like any other. I could be called Alice, Marie, even Jim. I can do just the same with honors: slackers, idiots, self-indulgent fools, whiners, complainers, stuck-up arrogance. Any of those fit. Right now esp. I don't want to turn into that. But I also don't want to be labeled "the 2nd Carmella". Lord knows I have the ability to. How the hell else did I get here the first place? I had a brain, but more importantly I knew how to use it. Pencils are useless to those who can't write. Maybe I shouldn't have a need for pencils. I'm a bum. I tell people that and they laugh. But one day I will become a bum. I'll run away, just as I've done in the past.
Life's a dream. Be there.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 10:53 PM.
:: Wow, have I ever met a more annoying person? ::
� J's acting like a pain again; not listening to anyone's advice on anything when he puts on a friendly face and convinces that he's merely looking for different opinions on things, but then he turns around, refuses your information and acts like a pain when things don't go his way, all along assigning blame to one single entity and keeping you (and himself) free of guilt. This is his way of staying out of trouble and in the positive mind of everyone else.
� I think I must've scared him by acting like that; never over-reacted like that in front of people I respected, especially those elder than me. I guess the (2, 5, 6, 8) 4 tests must've freaked me out. Major tests. Physics, Math, Latin, Eng Vocab. Never Gonna Finish All That Up.
� The one thing I hate that he does: selectively uses logic. He'll use it when it pleases him and suits him by proving his righteousness, then turn around and avoid it like the plague when I turn around and use it against him.
� I haven't developed an opinion of what I thought about nameless-new-girl yet. He's a moth. What's wrong with him, it seems like he's drifting like a phytoplankton. He has this magnitude of "stufflahff" and nowhere to fling it, therefore he picks any chick that doesn't disgust him. A sophomore. I have a guess of who it is. Oh well. Doesn't make a difference.
And that concludes the quarter. And I have an independence paper due for Mrs. Storipan tomorrow.
Sometimes Joey talks too much. And mopes too much also. On purpose. He's turning into another Seppi, goddamit. A funny one, but still. At least he doesn't creep Debbie out with Tennis Talk.
Saw Jack at the shop. Didn't look one bit sorry. Hard enough for me to deal with him normally, and now I'm a cripple. I'm making sure that the meterstick gets tied around his neck, or something important like that. I don't go for his goals. No danger at all. Why me?
Bubble II went to gong lessons 10:18 PM.
Oy, work is harder than usual and I was unexpectedly slow. Those over-militant beasts I call friends pinned me down and took the liberty of tying a meterstick to my leg. Without my permission! Couldn't lift the trays, couldn't drag around the bucket as quickly, couldn't run around fast enough without getting in the way, got yelled at again and again and again....
I finally saw Old Wolf tho--dude never changes. Like he knew I was never screwed up in the first place. Let me walk, do things on my own, walked ahead of me when he could, waited (rather impatiently) like he'd do with anyone else. Sad that sometimes I think an Old Guy bordering on total senilism is the only one understanding me. Maybe I'm the senile one. I give him 5 more years max, but who knows? These old school teachers always live longer than expected; who knows why.
I also finished typing up my latin in a record of little under/over a minute. W/ errors tho. But this time he already copied some stuff down, so I think he'll be fine with both our papers. Never been that scared of unfulfilling debt since...I had to. Odd how I don't have that same fear w/ homework, that I lack the self-respect to want to at least try to achieve "perfect"; that's how you get "close to perfect", you set your goal = perfect. At least I'm not too late.
That cab driver was so reckless! He owes me so many goddamn favors for letting him eat free for about a week, even letting him eat there at all! He's being rounded like cattle just like all other muslim-looking hindus, and scrambling not to be seen. Barely anyone knows, but it's still really scary for them (and for me who hang with them), and he's not even a real muslim. I don't want to bother with the folk now that a drop of a hat's all you need to get arrested. And the dude really is a nice guy. Trying to work his way through school to go back home as a doctor. Which he already is over there! Geez, what redundantness. Sounds like me. "Go to school there, come back here and help your family. Only a few years. They're not that bad." What family, now? I'm pathetic, but that I wallow in something that other souls can sleep through makes it all that much more pathetic.
I need a goddamn thesaurus to look up the word "pathetic". And my Word dictionary/thesaurus checker's broken. I also have to write a report on the gods. Math homework. Chores'll take up half the night, quietly. Reading, piano and my knee'll have to wait till tomorrow. *But don't worry--I have a frickin meter stick glued to myself!*
Bubble II went to gong lessons 9:56 PM.
[A] SUDDEN URGE TO
Rent/download Game of Death and watch it
Practice Piano Musical Score - I'm so behind in this it's not even funny.
Call up Danielle and ask her to come over.
[B] DUTY CALLS
On the other hand I have to start memorizing Cicero and typing it up for someone else. I owe that much. Even not, I already said I would. That alone proves I owe that much.
[C] MISC. NOTHINGS
I like writing in short self-explanatory spurts. Maybe I'll even reach the point of ignoring sentences altogether and still make sense.
[D] EVENTS TODAY
I never even got to glance at my book. Homework, Tests, Cramming, Learning, Questions, Scribbling, Studying, Worrying, Playing. That was how my day went. Add Working to the list and you're set. (I'm moving my shift 3 hours later. Same price, more work: sounds good to them. I guess it's worth it to spend some time by myself. Work doesn't bother me anyway.)
1. Continue. If you don't bitch about it, no worries right? Unless mom decides to meddle, but that's soley her problem.
2. Take Action Yourself. Duh. And you need a goal--Get him arrested? Heal him? Run? Once that's set all you need to do is GO. Don't even joke about how you'll weigh things on that broken scale you call "concience". You always have Eeeny Meeny Miny Mo for that. If logic doesn't help it means it's time to adopt a new system. Do what you think is right, whatever gives you the best initial feeling of "good".
Easy, right? Don't expect anyone to help you. Don't argue when you refuse to take any action yourself. Don't argue over indecisiveness when you refuse to make a choice. I wish I had this laptop in class w/ me--I'd have so much crap to write about the whole day.
Finish grading sets 2-5 papers
Overlook Jack's training (the man relies soley on bulk I swear!!!)
Clean up back kitchen and help Maria with favor
Practice piano
Re-Coat/Wrap Knee ---> Practice (again...) -_-;;
Home Chores. All of them. *sigh*Play on Computer/Internet/AIM. (Doing that now aren't I?)
Read.
Talk to Danielle.
Must learn how to write shorter posts.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 4:45 PM.
I have this sudden urge to talk to Lizzy. The revelation amuses me because the both of us hardly share any conversation at all. I like her: the person. Genuinely. It's nice to feel something that's genuine; if nothing else, at least all that energy that would've been spent on trying not to kill him/her can be used to do something productive. Like feed yourself.
But seriously, I really would like to call her up one day and spontaniously talk to her. I know the longer I wait the harder it'll be, but the sooner I do it, the less genuine it becomes. It's a dilemma. An inverse function you could say. I'd also need her cooperation, which isn't something I can always be assured of. I can think of a hundred ways a phone conversation with her can go wrong just because one of us isn't in the right mind to dance around each other's phrases. Me with my moody pretentions and her with her friends' moody pretentions. She's distracted, but at least she knows and doesn't care. I often feel like I could talk to her about anything. She has no real need to defend her friends or even herself. Any criticizing comments should always be taken with an open mind and used to improve yourself. I sound like a Zen master. But it's true: I'd say something about what she wears, and she'll say whatever, and I learn something about her: that she doesn't care what anyone else says about her clothes as long as she already has them on and doesn't mind wearing them. Or I could say something that I noticed of someone else, and like a miracle, she'd recognize it also.
*Had to give this section its own paragraph*
Especially with people that the general public always has a need to defend, those upper class, "nobler race" kinda folks who are "generous" and "kind" enough not to look down on the rest of us. You know who I'm talking about. Maybe not, but what can I do? I spend all my time at a school I do not care to breathe air from, much less take in information and learn from, and not only that--they ADMIT to pounding subjective views into those empty heads! A pity that I'm too weak for a revolution, or that those capable enough have no will or desire for one. Could be that I was just like them, and realized "In order for me to want change, I must weaken myself enough to be unable to lead the revolution. That way I will be blind to the harms, obstacles, and pains I will face. But I will never even see the dawn of it. I will just sleep in my dream and watch, in this unending night." That I wanted to see the end of the old so badly that I was willing to sacrifice all the good that I was in order to make sure that I was blind enough to merely want to start it. I saw that it wouldn't start either way; smart-me: don't want to; dumb-me: can't. Perhaps it was a way to assauge my guilt that I had the ability to do something but didn't. Not necessarily didn't--I know that much--but I had my reasons, as complex as they were. I vowed never to forget that the reasons WERE valid, even if I did forget what they were.
I'm speaking of Mike P. Everyone loves him, everyone adores him, the guys think he's the coolest thing since swiss cheese, and all the chicks dig him. I hate him; at least what he's become. He has no substance, he is what others percieve him to be. If I had a magic sponge (bob square pants--you know I had to say it, Lizzy's been feeding me those goddamn fruitsnacks) and wiped the memory of Mike P from everyone's brain, he wouldn't exist. Not even to himself. I don't even think he has an identity with himself. He wouldn't be able to live as a hermit. I woudn't either. I wonder if I'm like him. Likes do repel, you know. Maybe that's why we don't get along. Nor with Joe either. But it's different with Joe: he's a scholar, so to say. He lives life to find answers, and will do absolutely anything to find them. He'll never be out of work, at least in his mind. If one's too painful to answer, no worry: there are a dozen more that pour out from every instant that life holds. Every choice, or choice not to choose, will always yield a question to answer, and thus, provides a fitting distraction without losing your cause.
*Had to start a new paragraph here*
My life used to sorta be like that. Except I did the exact same thing Mike did: act like the perfect person to everyone I knew and that knew me. That's how you stay out of trouble. Forget yourself, it's more trouble to be true to yourself than just change yourself to match everyone else. And once you do it, you're set: practice makes perfect, and I was the master. No one knew who I was. Teachers I once had would stare at me until they shook their head and trotted along their merry way. Fellow students would know me: the identity, but not the idiot facts that "friends" pride themselves on memorizing by rote. In a way, that "me" was more real than the me of today. The me that speaks. I have imprinted a fuller, more perfect vision of the average person than I can today. 30 people will "know" of that full-image of me; perhaps 100 people will know the name of the "me-today"; 30 will have consistantly spoken to the "me-today"; 20 will think they've had deeply shallow conversations with me; 15 will have remembered seeing me every day; 4 will have TALKED to me. Funny how the number gets smaller; actually, not funny at all. It's sad to see how much the school's already infested my rotting brain. And to think that it'll one day take over it all; knowing this is like knowing that the sun will one day blow up within 10 years. We can't do anything about it. We'll lose something regardless. And if it's something we respect, the quantity doesn't matter. SOMETHING was lost.
Life is good, sorta. Materialistically-wise. (I spit at thy flippery of rules yet again, my humourous English teacher.) I have a good life, I can find work to do, I attend school, I look like the average kid, I have access to a doctor when I need it: I have it all. Regardless, I'd trade it all for my past. Any hesitation would be the product of conditioning and having to look like I thought about it. Having to look like my decision was the finale of even a little thought and logic. You want logic, you'll think about it for years, my friend, not the course of simple minutes. I know that by the word "want". You lie when you say you wish to think about it and you've already made up your mind; you confuse yourself further by forcing the hesitation. And if any exists, you are to stop; you must. You lie a second time when you recklessly shove forward with a hesitant answer, just as you recklessly choose to hesitate when have an answer firmly set in your mind. But anyway, I meant to say: any hesitation I might cast will the the final product of what I'm saying goodbye to. Makes sense, right? I really do wish I could trade it all. Now that's something worth dreaming for, even if you didn't have such a great past to swap with. I've always thought so, even back then. Guess some things don't change after all.
My solution: I'll talk to her more in school. Of course, the girl attracts morons better than a lightbulb attracts moths, so whether I succeed or not will be determined by Lady Fate herself, if she even considers a humble student, in her daily efforts.
I've always wondered about that. God always has a whole load of shit to take care of, and we have the nerve to ask for a baby-sitting eye every goddamn fucking second? Who the hell are we to demand such crap for shit we can take care of ourselves? If I were a fucking god I'd be pissed as hell if my subjects were either stupid, lazy, or arrogant enough to demand so much of my fucking attention every day. Especially when I have terrorists who are nuts enough to want to blow up half my race on the other side of the world. "Can't you morons do anything for yourselves? I gave you guys a fucking brain for a goddamn reason, you know!" You can never blame stupidity, but when all of us are capable and blessed with a goodworking brain we're supposed to do SOMETHING with it. And we sit here and whine. Fuck it, I wish I were in public school!
Yeah. Where did that come from... >_<;; I must be on a roll here if I'm bitching that much. Is something substantial if no one knows it? Like humans flying: we say we can't do it, but really no one knows if we can. How do I know that there's not someone halfway around the globe floating around like a fairy right now? What if she's the only one that knows? And she dies? Is that lost forever? What if there is no little girl--the theory still keeps intact, doesn't it? We should be able to fly irregardless of the existance of little girls or not. No one knows. Only me. And if I don't repeat what I say, no one knows.
You're the exception. You guys don't really count because I hardly see you anyway. It's nice reading something passively like a novel: what happens, happens. You didn't change any of it. It's nice providing something like this for you to read, and that we don't write emails to each other, lest we screw up the ending of the story, right? I like reading your blogs too. Whatever happens there sounds a hell of a lot more exciting than the rat races everyone's scrambling to bet over right now. But then again, the job of a poet (or a writer cause Jen hates poets) is to have an illusion set in mind and execute (write/describe/etc) it flawlessly. Mind that the goal could be to show you the flaws. Regardless, it is to set a goal and reach it. So maybe you're just really super at showing excitement where boredom really lies, hmm? Ironic, because it could go 1 of 3 ways: you're writing it as you see; things are slower than you show them and your boredom reflects your desire for excitement and adventure, not to mention the time to write all that garbage; your stories are no match for true life and you're only able to describe life as fleetingly as possible without missing out on any of it--it's just so fun that you actually are writing it less exciting than it really is.
Anyway, there are only a few people right now I can call even possible tentative candidates for friends. And an even smaller percentage of that will become standard candidates. Most likely there are no ideal candidates. I'd be lucky even with one, and that's already asking for too much.
Btw, I saw the end of Outlaw Star the sub. It's okay I guess, but I really should've watched the rest and the middle of it on Cartoon Network. Before it got unbearable. But now I know what the hell a Leyline is--considering the outer space setting I thought it was one of those interdimensional warp things that zoned you out into another dimension, but it was really a blob/spikey thing with a bald pale head and dead-looking cat-eyes. Figures. Melfina hooked up with Gene, which wasn't so obvious in the dub, but by how they talked to each other in the Jap. version, I'd have seen it a million miles away. It was all those other chicks hanging around him that screwed me up--thought it was another one of those Tenchi gigs. Like Love Hina. >shudder< I still don't know what the hell he sees in that show. It's not even a little funny, and I can see every joke 10 minutes before it comes on and the outcome/plot/lesson of each episode 2 minutes into the show. There is no real theme, it's not amusing nor entertaining, the guy's a pathetic sap with a dozen girls beating him up or chasing him, and there's no outlined background story!!! Take that, all you sicko LH fans~geez. I know why guys love the show so much--it borders on being a porn cartoon but stuffs so much sickening "dumb innocence" into it that it just makes it on being a kids' show. Anyway, nothing I say will change what you think, and same goes for me. Therefore, why argue?
Another enlightened revelation: Joey's complaing about how his chick's leaving him/telling him to back off to find her identity, but look: "What about your identity, Joe? Look at yourself and how low you've sunken without her. Who's the real one searching for identity? Can you live as a non-barnacle, or is it too hard? Let her go. See what it's like by yourself for once." All these things I wish to tell him never even make it pass the thorebrum of my brain, much less my mouth. In a pathetic way I almost wish he'd stumble onto it just to read what I have to say about it, rather than watch me passively watch him babble meaningless nothings about his pathetic situation.
One day I'll definitely find out why we're all so goddamn pathetic when he have such ability to be so great. That could be why, you know.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 11:07 PM.
Vocab time. Both English and History. Gonna first read off the english and then write out the history. Prep for hist vocab test. Remember to welcome Mike back from Boston (unless he already has a welcome-fan-club ready for him....*grumble*)
Bubble II went to gong lessons 8:00 PM.
Muahahahaha. I sometimes think I have no life because I constantly live on the internet. All my free time is spent here. I'm not just sitting around on the intervals I'm gone, but as soon as I get back from working or buying food or doing homework--plop: I sit right back down on the computer and start fiddling with my website. Worse part is I get writers block right before I sit down. I actually cook up lots of things to post up, but as soon as I start putting on those restrictions & filters -- what to put, what not to put -- then I end up with nothing. Same with writing for english or school: I can babble on and on about how god's just a piece of shit but I doubt that'll pull up a handsome grade for me at all....
Anyway: updated the layout. Sorta. Just fixed the "left align" ugliness into a nice tabled, centerized layout. I laugh at you, Mr. Wicke. And spit at you. Ptooey. See?
Now's the time to stop dreaming and act. Watching won't do anything. Work, and something will get done.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 7:45 PM.
Ha. Killed the source of my debilitation.
That's "The Not-so Watcher" to you.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 5:52 PM.
I back them up and everything, but it'd just be great if I didn't have to go hunt out some-odd of cds to replace certain mp3s I deleted off my hard drive. Of course, they were fine by themselves, but no, I had to go and put them in their own directories according to their respective albums. I'm especially sore with the loss of "Ask DNA". Enough said about that.
Sheesh, good intentions really do make you pay. Some intentions....
Speaking of which, I have to go exercise my good intentions to get good grades for my mom. Study study study. I still don't get those decomposition of fractions. Have to look into that. Plus the History vocab. And the Latin extra credit. Ah shit, that's a lot of crap to do. Without including the massive vocab list for english. Gotta remake those tapes that I erased over.... Physics test. Lotsa crap.
Monday'll be fun: All my teachers (except probably Mr. Alfonzo or Ms. Molnar---ick...) will be gone at some funeral being held for a math teacher's father. The cafeteria and theatre will be packed. Have fun, Jen.
Danielle, I have the whole thing written on 7 cds. That's the series and the stupid extra stuff. Dan, I still need to borrow your green bag--only one that'll work. Jackie, I'll kill you for breaking my leg. Only serves you right for kicking me, and we all know how I'm an advocate of correct Justice.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 12:32 PM.
You know, looking at the good things in life is easier when you're doing something you love. A bit after 11 last night I picked up a book I loved and started reading. It was the primary focus of molding how I wanted to think--suddenly, I wasn't simply drifting and latching onto something satisfactory like some barnacle, I had a goal worth reaching for.
Sometimes you need to hear great epics. Observing society's could be much more interesting and passive and even a little experimentially correct, but often times messing with the variables and shaping the outcome eventually becomes more than sitting and watching will ever do.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 10:03 AM.
Hahaha, just found the funniest taliban song. It's a little slow in loading tho.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 11:01 PM.
I just realized something. I complain too much. Starting Sunday, I will use the whole entire week to compliment the goods things in life. Everytime I see something bad, I will make myself find something good about it. And something really good too, not the empty "things'll get better" shit that I hear around me.
Oh wait. Ugh, hell, why don't I just start now?
It is nice that people still have that optimism when everyone else sees the harsh realities. We need more people with good ideals in this world. And even when I don't think so, I actually did learn something. Not the direction I wanted to take nor to the degree I would call satisfactory, but I did gain experience in dealing with the "them".
Bubble II went to gong lessons 9:08 PM.
Back from piano practice. I haven't gone in a while. It's sad, but I really want to go back, even with all the busy work I've been having to do (school, work, music, domestic responsibilities--yea, you know it all). Sad in itself is the fact that I even am too busy to go back. She likes me, I think. I always say that in any sentence where you say the words "I think" usually is just super-wishful thinking that you're not even aware of. It's always nicer to earn the respect of a cranky critical person than an idiot who just throws their "respect for people" around.
I did better today than the past 5 weeks. I guess that 30 min. of practice actually benefited me. Since practice used to never help me, it was something that I avoided. Now I know. I just really suck and couldn't go anywhere else but up; yeah that's probably it. That means 4 hours will benefit me 4 hours worth. Too bad I have to study for tests and look up history vocab instead of achieving a level in...anything.
If you're good at something, anything, be happy. Be very proud. Who knows, maybe the fate of the world might one day hang on the person who can play counterstrike or ddr the best. Maybe it'll be the best piano or flute player. Maybe it'll be the one who knows math and physics the best. The one who memorizes the stupidest facts only to recite them. I hate kids like that.
One thing the world doesn't need: Mr. Seppi. God, can there be a more annoying person?
Alright, someone opened up a slot for my downloads. My hard drive's gonna fill up at this rate. Still have a thousand people queued up on my list.
I'm addicted to stress,
That's the way that I get things done,
If I'm not under pressure
then I sleep too long.
Hang around like a bum,
I think I'm going nowhere and that makes me nervous...
Btw, I finally opened up the school newspaper. I hate publicized big-eyed people shows. That's the number one way of screwing things up. And not just big-eyed people--any product or book. English teachers around the world always talk about how great these classics are, and I bet they would be if you didn't tell me! I'd catch it immediately, the satirization, the irony, the proof, the greatness of it all. But you commercialize it--make it mainstream. The whole point of it was to not be mainstream, to be different, first, or best! When you defeat the very purpose of the authored work, you kill it's very soul: the purpose is the reason, which is what makes the work great. Same goes for products, novels, works, and every other kind of crap they advertise on tv. Except poems; could never understand poems. To me it's just a big jumble of words that you're trying to tell someone something. Like Mr. Zimmerman said, "Vincent, why are you doing that? It's like going around California, Alaska and Russia just to get to Trenton." He should know--he's done that more than enough already.
Latin's supposed to be cool. Like you know something, like you're of the educated class. I wish I could make up some nifty latin quotes like either of the Joes, but I can't. (Notice how I'm putting myself down w/o trying--don't do that. Always try before you succumb to the negative "can't" talk. Actually, I'm sure if I put some kind of effort into anything, I'll be able to achieve at least something.)
Bubble II went to gong lessons 8:18 PM.
Great. On top of that, I find that the source of this head-splitting migraine is not stress from my knee or tests. I'm catching a cold. Thanks Nate (altho he probably doesn't read these things). Probably did that to embarrass me.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 5:26 PM.
Goddamit, this took a long time to type. Had to get these lyrics myself cause no one wanted to go throught the hell of listening to the song a million times to get the words. And it's a long fuckin song also. Geez.
"Stress" by Big Jim's Ego.
Lyrics are copyrighted to him and are his intellectual property, bla bla bla.
Oh yeah...
Comin' at you...
I'm addicted to stress,
That's the way that I get things done,
If I'm not under pressure then I sleep too long,
And I hang around like a bum,
I think I'm going nowhere and that makes me nervous,
Everybody's out to get me but I feel alright,
Everybody's out to get me but I feel alright,
Everybody's out to get me but I feel alright,
Everybody's thinkin' bout me...
It's the little things that get you
It's the little things that get you when you weren't payin' attention
It's the little things that get you
It's the little things that get you
It's the little things that get you when you weren't payin' attention
Tryin to cut down of my caffine now
So when I get up I just have one cup of coffee
I like to have another cup of coffee with my breakfast
and on my way to work, I like to get a cup of coffee
Like the kinda cup o'coffee that you get with the donuts,
'cept I never get the donuts, I just have the cup o'coffee.
And when I get to work, I like to have another cup o'coffee
Cause I like to have a coffee when I'm talking on the phone
It usually goes cold then I need to get another cup of coffee
and it's lunch,
And I have an espresso.
And when I get back it's not morning anymore,
so I have a diet cola
and another diet cola,
But then I'm feelin fine,
'nd I'm feelin pretty sharp,
And I'm feelin pretty wired,
And I'm gettin things done,
But right around two I get this tiny migraine
It starts by my eyes and moves to the back of my neck
and to the bottom of my spine.
But it doesn't get there till five or six o'clock,
which is the end of the day,
So, I'm fine,
SO, I'M FINE,
SO, I'M FINE,
SO, I'M FINE,
SO, I'M FINE,
'cept when I have to work late
When I have to work late,
which I usually do.
I'm addicted to stress,
That's the way that I get things done,
If I'm not under pressure then I sleep too long,
And I hang around like a bum,
I think I'm going nowhere and that makes me nervous,
Everybody's out to get me but I feel alright,
Everybody's out to get me but I feel alright,
Everybody's out to get me but I feel alright,
Everybody's thinkin' bout me...
Hey, how ya doin?
Lookin good.
You been workin out?
Yeah I can tell.
Alright, see ya later!
Heh.
I love to work I love to run
I love to play real hard
Or steal little things from the grocery store
Like a piece of bubblegum
Or sometimes
I just stick my thumb in a peach,
And leave it there...
I love to work I love to run
I love to waterski, snowboard,
jetski, skydive, parasail, hang-glide,
roller blade, mountain bike, bungi jump,
Well I may not love to do these things,
If I ever have the time.
I love to work I love to work
I love to workout, after work to
spend a little time with this guy I'm seeing
Except, uh,
We never really have any time to spend together,
So, we call each other up,
And talk about work.
But what I think I really like is to get up on my cell phone
on a little tiny island in the middle of the ocean,
with just me and and a book,
and a cellular phone,
and a personal computer,
in case something came up.
And I can eat, I can drink
And I'd run and I'd sleep
And I would be doin' nothing
Except swim all day
Except you know,
---------------
Where would the sharks,
WHERE WOULD THE SHARKS,
WHERE WOULD THE SHARKS,
WHERE WOULD THE SHARKS,
And there's this kind of anamity!
That sticks in your foot,
and the poison goes up to your brain,
And you DIE!
And sand fleas!? Sand fleas!? YUCK!
But actually I think this is pretty relaxing,
Just me by myself, in the middle of the ocean,
And that's what I really love to do, more than anything else,
Except I probably hate it.
I'm addicted to stress,
That's the way that I get things done,
If I'm not under pressure then I sleep too long,
And I hang around like a bum,
I think I'm going nowhere and that makes me nervous,
Everybody's out to get me but I feel alright,
Everybody's out to get me but I feel alright,
Everybody's out to get me but I feel alright,
Everybody's thinkin' bout me...
But I feel alright,
Everybody's out to get me but I feel alright,
Everybody's out to get me but I feel alright,
Everybody's out to get me but I feel alright,
Everybody's thinkin' bout me...
But I feel alright,
Everybody's out to get me but I feel alright,
Everybody's out to get me but I feel alright,
Everybody's out to get me but I feel alright,
Everybody, Everybody, Everybody,
Everybody, Everybody, Everybody,
Everybody, Everybody, Everybody,
Everybody, Everybody, Everybody,
Everybody's thinkin' bout me!
Everybody's thinkin' bout me.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 5:12 PM.
God, I have to update it? Forget this technology, if it causes me more harm than good it's comin off.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 4:19 PM.
God I hate this. I might just kill the other blog because I keep on posting to the wrong one.
I was posting that I finally found the author of "Stress" the song. Big Jim's Ego. Here's his website. I love this song, it's so great. I might just have to buy or atleast try to download the whole album. LOVE this song. :) Lyrics especially. Something in my heart is always soft to lyrics of a great song.
Off to download the mp3.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 12:55 PM.
I think I'll take a nap now. After that speech about homework I thought I might do some, but I'm too tired and my head hurts.
There's this song called "Stress" and I really really like it. It went with some cowboy bebop music video, but the lyrics were enough to win me over. Now if I could only find that goddamn mp3 on some network. Too bad it had such a generic name.
*Note on Form/Content: I search for "Stress" the song and get stress the feeling.
Naptime. Le temps pour dormir, mon bonbon. And they tell me I can't speak french. Sadly, I only remember vocab, not grammer. Still, it's more than I know in latin. Sheesh--latin.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 12:38 PM.
Just got back from the doctor/chiropractor. He said it was definitely a sprain and looked really nauseated from the sight of my leg. I didn't know how to tell him about the chinese herbal stuff that made my leg turn all brown and the stink. At least I didn't have to drink that stuff that you grind, boil into one cup, and drink. *shudder* That's a little too much. I guess having good friends around those under-the-table places has its perks.
My leg will hurt. By Monday I think I'll be shreiking in pain, quietly of course. I guess there are more important things in life than football, or friends.
I think everyone did badly on the grammer test. Anthony got a 72, and I think that's the best grade so far. Ally said she actually studied, and my preperation could certainly be called that. 5 people passed in 4th period, 2 out of 10 graded papers passed in our class, and 3 papers in 8th period passed. This is a bad day. But he said any paper below a 60 is by default, a 60. So our class average is probably a 60. My paper too. I do feel comfort in the fact that what I did study I immediately caught, and if I missed anything, it was because I didn't have it copied down. So my effort at home was good, but my effort in class--copying the grammer into my notebook--was lacking. So now I know where to fix something.
I also got this book a while back: 100 ways to improve your writing. Cheesy, but it was pretty short. No long extraneous paragraphs. It told you what to do to get ideas, organize them, and put them out on paper. Whether you wanted to do it was totally up to you. I hate books that lecture. Just tell me what I want to know. If I put more effort and will and my soul into my writing I know I could do better. Each thing holding me back could be killed in an instant by itself, but together they make a network that conditioning has forbidden me to kill. I can't say I'll knock this brick down and pick 'n choose pieces I want to keep up. If I'm strong enough to bear the weight of the whole wall, I can do it. Even now I avoid that question. I can't ask it, or even answer it, much less provide the correct answer.
I'm happy about one thing: I got the blogBuddy to work. Before it would always give me some "socket message error #10010" deal. A laptop would be nice, so I could keep my leg propped up like I was told to and get homework and blogging and all that other internet crap done while I rest. It's not a perfect world.
Amazing how I complain about the littlest things. I can't bring myself to look at the serious things. Yet.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 12:37 PM.
Can't wait--going back home in a few months. Things like this always make me happy. The deal's set. Well not that one, but I'm just as glad that's not being discussed yet. Rhyssa's still a problem. Of course everyone else likes her, but she lacks stability. More importantly she lacks understanding. If you can't see the goal, it doesn't matter if you have the right arms or legs or height for the sport. You might as well just go the wrong way.
Today's Quote: "Think about the bumper cars at the fair; sometimes you have to back up before you can go forward."
I'm going to see my brother today. I haven't done that in a while. I might just put it off again because I feel it's so cheap: when I go, I can't help but think about the things my school says. I don't want to. I wish I were untainted, like a child. I don't want any knowledge of what you percieve to be right. I want to find my own "right". I'm just babbling words back at you like a monkey if I don't understand. I hate you. How could you do this to me? And call it right? I hope you pat yourself on the back the day I decide to stick myself with a knife. Laugh, and "pray for me", because that's just so what I need right now... Puh. The worst part is, if I or someone else did that, they'd just sit and look at the debris, instead of getting off their lazy asses and fixing the way they teach. Anything--I once called for total reform. Now I'm not strong enough, and I don't want to settle for something less, but I have no choice. I have no right to ask for something greater if I am unable to handle it.
I wonder if he dyed that annoying skunk streak out of his hair. Dunno why I didn't get it. Ally and Christina say it's stress, but I think this case it's genetic. My dad and aunt had it; their dad had it; their grandma had it. If that's the case, that's a lot of stress to be passing down generation after generation.
Maybe I'm just an orange sheep. There are too many black sheep as it is. Having a new color might spice up the place.
I have so much homework. Not even a little bit done. Still sitting in my bookbag. What do I have?
History definitions
Math hw
Religion questions, terms+notes
Latin (gods' report+pliney ex cr)
Eng Vocab 1-8
Physics review for test
I wish I could like what I do.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 12:31 PM.
Back. My mom gave me some vile chinese medicine. I couldn't tell what it was--things are often like that. You don't know what it is, so why eat it? Why do it? Why trust people when your own heart tells you not to?
For now I will stop giving answers. How can one discover the true answers if they keep on stuffing words into observation's mouth?
I told Christina I wouldn't be able to attend her Halloween party. Luckily, it wasn't one of those bonding friendships that hang off the cliff of parties, get-togethers, etc. She was one of the few that saw how miserable I was at the game. I don't even know why I was there. Nothing would've really bothered me execpt the jarring of the stands when people would walk or when some girls started bouncing around to the music. I don't want to be useless, nor take advantage of everyone helping me, nor appear to. I cause so much trouble for everyone without even helping back. Or even helping myself. If you cause trouble but fix it yourself, you should be fine. When it gets to the point that others have to help, you know you're doing something wrong. But I still wonder what everyone will be doing at the party. Having fun I suppose. I'm not good at that. I've only recently learned how to look like I'm having fun, but I think they'll turn away once they see what I really think is fun. The real me. Is there even one? lol, I ask too many questions. It was supposed to be one of those "this means you're a step closer to being a closer friend" parties. I hope I didn't mess that up either--probably not, considering it's Christina. She's one of the truely nicest people I know--her mom too. Danielle Toddman's another nice one. And the people who I absolutely used to think were also nice are horrible. Ali G. and Christina P. Nothing against them, and I'm totally their friends, but I see what I see. One whines too much. The other is forgivable when looked upon a different light. I'm just being critically cranky right now.
Meanwhile my leg is still is awful pain. I'm typing from my uncle's cheesy ol' pentium laptop, and I'm getting used to the whole setup. At least my mom wraps it up instead of chaining me down heaving bogs of ice on my leg. That crap that she put on my legs smells horrible, but it did stop hurting. On the other hand, I might be losing feeling. Who knows. And I don't want to test just how far it goes back, but when I try, it effortlessly bends back the other way. It hurts when I do, but knees aren't supposed to be able to do that in the first place. My left knee feels so weak, supporting the rest of my body.
Ripoff of Joe's format:
I brush against the freckles that I hated so
My life goes on, and I heave a little sigh for you
It's heavy, this love that I once shared with you
Then it dissolved like it was just a sugar cube
Now the little pain sittin' in my heart
Has shrunken a bit, but it really does hurt me now
Those silly horoscope charts
Guess I can't trust them after all...
If we could get further away...
I wonder what it would be like? Yeah
I'd be so happy inside my heart
All the memories I have are beautiful in my mind
But they don't feed the hunger deep inside my soul
And tonight I thought I'd be just sitting in my sorrow
And now I must wonder why
What did it really mean to you?
I just can't see it any more
I just can't see it any more
Oooohhh...
Pathetic if you know where it comes from. But I like the lyrics. Don't like the rhythm but you really can't tell without the song.
*After 2 min.*
I ran out of things to write. Not really, but I couldn't make it flow anymore. It's not the best flow, but that I'm cramming as much as I possibly could to make a reasonably decent "flow" makes it clunky. And I still don't get everything I want to say in, so if I only concentrated on super-flow, I'd never get anything done. Out. Whatever.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 7:46 AM.
Oh what an eventful night is this.
At first I didn't think it was that bad. So what? I banged up my knee a little. Happens all the time. I guess it had something to do with all the attention I'd been getting. It's not that bad (or so I always tell myself) but everyone here seems to explode everytime I even begin to hurt myself. It's a gift. Even then, the psychological effect of "love" and "warmth" and overall concern for me has been extrememely distressing. Never experienced that stuff before. (was about to write "crap" for stuff, but thought otherwise). I like being able to get up after I fall. I like feeling strong, even though it's not as strong as I'd like it to be. Strong for me is just enough; no use reaching out any further, right?
This is one of those moments where I get confused about which philosophy to follow. Maybe the answer is to follow neither. Follow none. Both. Stop. Who knows. If you don't make your reach further than your grasp, you'll never see the light at the end of the tunnel. You'll never see what you're truly capable of. You're selling yourself short.
Anyway, I think I upset someone today. In fact, I upset lots of someones. Doesn't matter--after all, I am a no one, an invalid. Doesn't matter what I say, because it doesn't count. Still, I think I gained a matter of respect that I claim and appear to have no desire to control. I would really want to try, but suppressing what I already have is like a second nature to me, instinctive. Do not do so would be wrong. Selling yourself short in one direction (not exercising your suppressive abilities just for the pathetic sake of self-whim. No real cause, only because you're too selfish to even see), but when I do stop, I sell myself short in the other direction. "Maybe I'm all wrong. Maybe the answer is the other way and I've done nothing but progress further and further away from it due something as simple and evil as stubborness."
Still, I proved vital on Sue M.'s team in gym. I think she's really beginning to start to like me--it's nice that I can become friends with someone so hated and despised in the school. Not needlessly close, but whatever flaky friendship we have is definite. We know where each stands and have no desire to change any of that. I wonder why people can't cooperate more and give up little pointless whims of themselves for the greater cause. My sad part is I have none. Every cause that's been taken from me was all I had: even the daily evils of public school. I worked so incredibly hard, and what for? To end up here? To live comfortably as a US citizen? That's what I always convinced myself. To eventually pay for my mom to come here. I would "sacrifice" everything. There really isn't anything to sacrifice--I had adequate food back home, a true family who cared about me, and trading that for materialistic wealth didn't seem that bad. Abstract wealth doesn't leave you: You either have it or you don't. I thought I did. Maybe not. Blindness is a killer disease--if you even blink from your vision, you are lost. So maybe I still do have it, only I was the one who lost it. I don't want to think so--another subjective judgement (boy, I seem to be spitting these out in big numbers recently). I want to see myself as something great, but what is so great about twisting your words around and making yourself the hero or victim of a crime that you made up?
And to make matters worse, I pulled like 50 million muscles in my right knee today. Funny how I didn't notice it until after school. You feel something, but never imagine (or just heavily hope) that it won't erupt into this swollen monster leeching off my leg. And since my house doesn't have ice, I wrapped up some frozen diced vegetables and slapped that on my leg. I could go into school, say this, make people feel minutely bad for me, and call myself ghetto, but I actually have it pretty good. I guess it's being surrounded by a bunch of americans or american-wannabes. No offense, but there are some huge things that they always miss and I honestly think they'll never understand such things. To explain these would be to drag in a whole slew of dark underground secrets that would corrupt the definition of america. Still, it's nice to dream. I'm already one of the milder ones in the lot, and I've already forgotton around 95.5% of everything, yet I still know. I know and they don't. Frightening how it always feels like I'm talking to an infant who won't listen to me. Concepts that they'll either ignore or never come across in their entire lives. When I first came to bishop ahr, I was astounded how some teachers, grownups, adults could be so incredibly dense and unknowing of the world around them. Now I know where they come from. Kids, like the ones I attend class with. I could broaden so much of their horizon if they'd listen, and I'd alrady been so leanient to their standards of speech. Maybe that's the problem. Too leanient. I've been saying that out loud and to myself all freshman year, the year I was least corrupted, least changed, at my prime. Sad to think that someone reaches their prime at 14. Or 13, as I said in freshman year, before I came to this wretched hole in the middle of nowhere.
Anyway, this block of ice is losing its cool.
Cool metaphore huh?
I'm worried that I'll lose my usefulness. I've found a longish-temporary spot in gym. More than I've done in the course of my life. Never found anything. What I had I didn't like. Selfish, you could call me. Idealistic is what I'd say. But idealism is blind, to dream is to fail. Once you set a goal, you've provided all the variables needed to fail. The concept of school and classes is based on that. Anything you can ace, you can fail. But, it is only a concept, and I guess that fails as well.
I wish I were in "unreality". I don't know what I'd do there, but I'd do something. I know I want to go there without knowing why. I guess that's the true test of faith or whatever you want to call it. (I have trouble using the word "faith" now. I find it highly offensive to take such an idealistic term and say it exclusively applies to god, when so much more can be used with its meaning. I guess it's like cutting down rainforest trees to make toothpicks. Not really, but the best metaphore I could come up in realtime.) Regardless, there are no excuses, no reasons. If there's something I learned--somewhere out there in the world, there exists people that believe that reasons are excuses. Whether conciously or not, that's what they believe, and it's funny how the ones that see and know this, do not believe this to be true, but the ones blind to it throw their whole hearts into convincing us they're right. Maybe I'm like that, and that's why I try so hard. It's all a waste.
Now I have to explain to my mom why I had to go spite her by needlessly bungling up my knee. It's true tho, now she has to take time out of her life to save (or fix) mine, and I already owe her so much. Why did I have to do this? Another selfish act? Wanting to advance myself and no thinking of the consequences that I could possibly get hurt? Understandibly the other girls who didn't try are guilty of a crime just as bad (not wanting advancement) but the thought or intention doesn't affect the moral situation. The fact that you hadn't thought of it is a sin on your behalf: why DIDN'T you take the time to figure this out? I'd ask the person, "How long or what circumstances would you require to come up with this conclusion? Say none, but know that your comment earned you a 2nd life of eternal pain. Or double it, seeing how your religious beliefs are." They'd almost have to give an answer, if not to me, then to themselves. That's all that counts, and when they realize that they haven't tried all that hard to create the best circumstances to stumble upon to the thought or intention.
It's confusing, and I might leave it at there. Anyway, these are my own notes, not really for anyone else to read. Guess that link's coming down off my profile. Didn't think anyone actually read those. Well, I do, but only to look at away messages.
I'm pathetic. What's done is done. Downloading stuff takes longer than expected. I finally got a way to fit the huge movie file onto a 80meg cd. God that was hard. Oh well. I guess I have much more to spill out when the words and thoughts flow correctly from one to another. Not any brand of correct like Mr. Wicke's but anything that feels right from me. I'm a very confused person, therefore it makes sense that my thoughts come out confused.
That guy's been ignoring me. Not completely, but you get the feeling that he's performing kindness at me for everyone else to watch. Insincere. Not wrong, but not good either. At zero. I guess this is what they say about love. Ha, love, what a joke. Now that I got that out and actually did a mini-pursue, I look at myself and scoff. That was only a little jump, I can't imagine what Kim goes through in her life, making these leaps of faith on whim. Now I am one step closer to understanding why she is so fickle. I feel that way also. I don't adore or worship every part of him anymore, but I'd still like him to talk to me. I guess I'm more mature in that I won't adamantly demand something that's not mine.
God what a sucky ending.
Ciao. Will write more later about life and my broken leg.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 11:07 PM.
You know, recently it's not been as bad as it's could've been? Maybe it's a shift in my thinking or maybe something else, but I seem lighter. I don't care for the reason. I will one day, but today's not it.
History test. And I don't care. :)
Bubble II went to gong lessons 11:46 PM.
I realized, even after that huge tirade (god I need a thesaurus) I haven't mentioned that much about halloween.
My costum was supposed to be an antrax spore. Now, with all due respect, I know that there was a very good chance I'd get arrested, but I had a plan: I was going be be a "donut fairy".
Alright: screw capital letters and perfect grammer, cause my fingers are fucking stiff and I can't type. Goddamn cold.
It's an inside joke; I carried powdered donuts and opened envelopes, and just for backup, I carried those dumb plastic wings that you strap on the backs of 5 year olds.
And I still got caught. Dammit! At least I got to toilet paper houses and chuck eggs on route one.
And I downloaded the bebop movie--great shit. And on impulse and a friend's obsessive comments, I downloaded Love Hina episodes. Hate it. But I have to finish watching the whole series and at least write it on a cd before I totally condemn it and delete it.
Later.
Bubble II went to gong lessons 4:47 PM.
This blog post thing works better than anything I've already tried. The AIM would've been great and I could've worked on it while I chatted w/ others, but it doesn't hold enough text. Geez, maybe it's a cue to stop typing so much...but I will anyway. If I was meant to type less, fate will throw something bigger to get me to stop.
Recently I've been having more thoughts about another friend. Not too sure if he still is my friend. Maybe I'm just the kind of person that repels friends like that, or maybe I just don't mingle in with people in general. Most think it's because I don't know how to act publically, but I do; I do it all the time. It's to achieve some purpose, that I've lost sight of...such depressing thoughts.
And my temporary lab partner Christian (now I know I spelled that wrong) said something very true: "Halloween after terrorist attacks sucks." He was right. Ironic how the Bebop movie is just exactly that, and I totally adore that movie. Maybe I'm just in love with Spike Spiegel, but who knows. He did look kinda cool in that movie. Also funny is how the most profound wisdom is so simple and comes from the oddest places. Another pathetic quote (you're gonna kill me after I'm done; filling up the goddamn post with a million quotes): "Sometimes, the simplest things are the hardest to explain.... Why does 2+2=4?" when Belgarath tries to teach Garion some tricks of the trade.
Speaking of love, I have none. (...and I think Mr. Dalton comes up with the cheesiest segues into different topics.) I like someone, and I guess this is the first time I'll admit it out loud without fear of anyone else saying anything. No reason. No strategy. It's not something I'm worrying about, that's all. I wish he'd at least look at me like a friend. I still think he's saying "God, here's that not-so-intolerable-nunsiance-of-my-life-that-I-have-to-tolerate-everyday." I guess I'm happier that I get to see him all day now, but that just makes me feel worse about being ignored sometimes. I could say that I shouldn't be selfish and should think about other people's lives more, but I try to, and I don't understand. I could say that all the time I yielded into finding some kind of answer was useless due to my powerless brain, or I could say that they really don't have anything justifying their actions; unless they're dumb, which they totally disclaim. But, I will continue living life on as it is, and see what it brings. Who knows, it could be just a love-sick teenage fad that everyone talks about, even tho I tried my very hardest not to get stuck into those.
Life going on. My friend Joe (there's a lot of them, so you'll never know which one, haha!) is going through some troubles. I think just about the whole world knows now. I hate people like that; the image of it, the general non-individual aspect of people saying one thing, then doing (or meaning) another. He seems to "want to think about it and solve the puzzle" but he's making a big mess of it. I guess that's what he's good at, making messes. Guess that's why he picked his chick like that. She's good at making messes also. He's starting to see that, but only from a subjective point of view. She's apparently turned into this evil bitch-monster that he absolutely does not want to get anywhere near. He wants his ol' girl back, and I don't see that happening. Of course, I don't see anything, thus making it easier for me to pass judgement on them. But things like that are always true. I think he's acting like a five-year-old who's getting un-fermented wine: no patience for something that would eventually taste good if he gave it time and grew up himself.
Then there's another one having his own problems. Not too sure what they are yet, but I'm sure he's more capable of fixing them than I. Definitely. Girls? Maybe. Not in the same respect (...i'll never use that phrase again...) as most, but friendship might be mixed up with that also. I wish I could be more useful. People would always used to come up to me to ask me to "solve their problems". Most of the time they already knew the answer and I pointed them in the right direction, and I could see myself doing that for so many people now, but no one trusts me. And on top of doing nothing (that would make me seem untrustworthy) I do positive things. Perhaps I am like the misguided soul; "Tis better to do nothing like the rock than to believe you are right." Well, almost. I don't function the same way anymore, so I don't think I could be accountable for how much sense I make.
Gosh, I guess that leaves one last Joe, and he's cold and spineless. Well, not really, but just to me, and maybe that's why I don't see any problems coming from him. I could very well be the solution: Don't show emotion, don't give yourself up, don't lose, don't bother, and you'll win. Or at least look like you're winning. I know that used to be my solution, until I looked like I was losing, then I changed my strategy. Biggest mistake I ever made. And I'm born year of the cow: the stubborn one, adverse to change. Who knows if that had anything to do with it.
Only a few kids came over for Halloween. Everyone's too scared to trick or trick this year, and now I have a pile and bags filled with candy. Oh well, better for me to make friends this year: with food. The Molina-girl went as a Japanese dancer with a kimono and everything. Sometimes I think she's a prude and really stingy. Her insights are right, but the way she carries them out makes them wrong. I'm not talking about Machiavellian theories where you don't care how the hell you do something but that it ends up the way you want it to, but the real truth. Cause, if you compare it, there really is nothing grave enough here in the US to put such theories to test. We already have it all, and still we complain. Mankind wants to complain, it's in our genes. No matter how good we have it, we'll always find something wrong with it. Anyway, about the Molina-girl: I was joking with her about some of her anime shows, how I'd seen some of them in Taiwan, and started talking about certain episodes I'd watched, but then she turned demon on me and just changed the subject. Even Debbie's noticed that she's a little Japanese obsessed. I deal in bootleg cds, and I know how much those imports cost, and she's got all originals. Amazing that her parents even buy that for her. Debs even thought that she was a jap until I told her "She's just like you. Another Filippino." Well, I left out that "another filippino" part; you know how people get touchy about their nationality. But who knows, maybe it's Molina's character. You can't help that. And just for the record, I'm not complaining. Just wondering. Like there's a difference... But goes to show how some can be really touchy about what they like the most. Multiply that by a hundred and you've got yourself a cult. God, those cult leaders must have lots of money if they're conning that many people. Now if I had the wits to do that, I could convince everyone to kill themselves, and then retire 5 years down the road.
You know, I might just add a link to my blog now on my aim profile?
Bubble II went to gong lessons 4:25 PM.
Damn, and I had this nifty ending to that tirade also. Oh well; if it wasn't meant for me to write, why fight with something you can't change?
Bubble II went to gong lessons 2:08 PM.
Wow. Everyone's getting a blog. I just don't have the nerve to show mines to anyone yet. Not that anyone cares. I've already been "not-so-accidentally" discovered by someone. Possibly 2 people, considering the one who signed after me. Coincidence or not--he's still behind me, even when he signs in something. Maybe just wishful thinking on my behalf.
Funny. Change doesn't come as often as it used to. And maybe it was so fast that it already has occurred. Maybe I used to view the upheaval in my life to be the big change, and if I see nothing changing now, that means I could have accepted the change already. Outside I still don't want to. I want to fight. I want the challenge. I want to beat something, to win over someone, to earn victory. Something that used to be the greatest challenge of all suddenly disappeared. And quietly, too. I wonder which I would've preferred, had I been given a choice: quietly, or with a fight. Even a choice to win is questionable now. It's like I once read in a book: "You can't have both free will and knowledge of the future." I estimate too much. I accept things too much the way they are. I have no median to compare myself or anything or my surroundings. I could say that it was taken from me, that my previous surroundings served as my median, but then you'd say "Why not make a new median?" or "Why can't this be your new median?" And I wouldn't be able to tell you. Maybe it's my fault. Or yours. I accept things as they come. I wouldn't care if it was your fault or mine. Or I could say that I did or would, and it wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, make any difference to me. I don't make any choices. It's futile, pointless. I could say that there was one choice I would die to be able to make. I hold that choice above all others, the priority and importance I hand over to that, but in the end, is it that high anyway? If it's important to me, is that really all that matters? Sure; if I was important to me. If not, everything to me is canceled out. I like to look at things like I know math. All relative rules only. Nothing attached, thus nothing lost or could be lost.
Maybe I'm a little sensitive to attaching things. Maybe it's because I based everything, my whole life, my whole soul if I had one, my whole being if I had one, on a something. I can't base it on a "nothing" either, because doing that defines it. Gives it meaning. Turns it into a something.
Does the line between existance or non-existance exist? Sanity and Insanity? Good and bad? Having a line sit there is the whole fundamental purpose of it; what is the line made out of? Such principals should secede us; we cannot, as imperfect human beings, designate the location of the line. Choose where it is. Can god? It could very well be, that god never created humans. That humans created god. Does it make the ideal imperfect? Of course. In my world and in my physics, yes. What is physics? Rules. Just a bunce of rules that someone made out of observations. Not even a "holy" rule that can't just tell you right or wrong, but something that was accepted by the general public. By the world filled, infected even, with imperfect human beings like us. I wish I could pursue this. No one would care, but I wouldn't care even about that, not as I do now. I wish I could cut out my heart, or brain. I need to severe that which makes me human. Seeing all that we've done (or all that we've lacked to do) I can make that choice wholeheartedly and with pure confidence. Assertion? I don't know. I don't want to think about it, because if I know, that means I have no free will in the choice I make. Perhaps that is why I choose not to think; so that I can choose. Maybe picking to choose is to dumbify oneself. If god does know it all, does he have a choice?
That was lots of rambling.
Quote: "Dress appropriateliy when you travel, especially overseas." Makes sense. No use for Americans looking dumber than we already do. Or are. Kinda ironic; if I was a foreigner looking with the most critical, hateful, and winning eye, I would say that the author of this blog just wrote an oxymoron with the form of his writing. Well yeah, I did go on and on about something that's pointless, can't be solved, beyond my scope, or totally self-pitying and then slapped this blurb on the bottom of my blog to look better to the other countries. But life, at least in America, if full of ironies, oxymorons, ignorances, and self-thinking. (Times like this I wish I had a goddamn thesaurus.)
Back to work off my debt. Halloween wasn't so bad. I had some fun, even if it was by myself. I wanted to experience a real rush. To see if holiday rumors, cliches, events and small-talk could actually live up to its name for someone who actually tried. Who dared to try. Not as bad as I was hoping for, but then again, I'm not the ideal test subject when comparing the average person to philosophical ideals. If there even is a standard, a median, a ranking chart. Where would I stand? Is there just one? Or many that some just don't exist on? If that's the case, I do not exist on the one where my associates live. Not even there; no trace. But, the line is thin, invisible, or customizable; possibly even non-existant. I'm rambling again, I know, but it's funny how things never connect like you expect them to. Humans, whether developed naturally, evolutionized, or conditioned, have accepted to think in a straight line. They think that events are in a big chain, and that there will always be a cause to an event, that things are always in order like that. But sometimes, we just can't find the causes, or the events they lead to. Maybe there are some that exist that we'll never know, not even in different planar dimensional copies of ourselves; we'll never know, as long as time continues to live, exist. Time could be just a chunk of unit; finished all in one piece as we lowly beings that call ourselves "the (only) existing intelligent life" just chop and hack up into a billion pieces to suit our inadequate brains that we parade around and pride ourselves to mightly on. It's already done. No need to explain anymore.
Or, the future's been already told. We don't know it all (not smart enough, see), and our LACK of intelligence gives us the ability for free will. Maybe we are a unit in the universe. Just one body, one entity: the human-block. Maybe the lower class of intelligence gives up and doesn't deserve to be given identities, just a single label merely to distinct them from a neutral non-living item, such as a rock. One could see much more grace in a rock: it doesn't lie, it doesn't make choices because of inability to, not because of a choice not to. People don't realize that choosing not to do something is a judgement, a decision, a choice. I could pin you down for not choosing to do something. In court, in discussion, in my judgement, anywhere; because it was an action by you. The world won't change. I was naive, I guess, in thinking that it would. Because I willed it to. Because I wanted it to. And just that I wanted it to, would mean down the line, I would try something to change it. That someone would realize my ideal and help. I could die and not succeed, but who cared? Someone in the later, in the future perhaps would one day see and be intrigued and even understand my ideal concept completely. And he'll do something. He'll fail also. But someone else will also do the same thing. And thus it continues. Maybe I'll never reach I what I wanted to. Without a goal, there's nothing. Maybe what I reach for is a mirage, a nonexistant thing. But if it exists on my imagination, it can exist here too. Why? Because humans created the world. Because humans created god. Because humans created the greatest illusions that humans have ever seen. We only acknowledge ourselves and nothing else. There could be a world, no, a million worlds a millions times more complex and beautiful or grim and harsh or idealistic, or challenge-filled than ours. We're nothing. What we can't see we don't even acknowledge. Eye's aren't everything. Blind people know more than us, about being blind. Other worlds know more about other things than we do. Ironic how we discard anything that isn't useful but prance and parade around with information claiming to know worlds of information that you should look at when we don't even glance in the other direction. Sure, there are people who look at things we call weird now, but even that has been accepted to some degree. They're not pioneering anywhere; it's already been discovered. To be something, you've got to be first, best, or different. Could even change that "or" into an "and" if I thought we were capable of it. Who is this "we" I use? A pronoun which I could n