Report by Ray Lorry, Davey Greig and Mezza Benaue

Introduction

Mb - ok, listen up everybody, role call. Dave?
Dg - hee-are
Mb- ray?....ray?....anyone seen ray?

rl- Good evening viewers, evening mezza, sorry im a bit late with this match
report.
mv- Not good enough ray, if you arent interested in being at the soccer
field at 630pm to record all details you can fuck off and i will get eroy,
or someone else to do your bloody job

rl- its not my bloody fault mezza. i had to go and pick up dave and
anthony. And speaking of eroy, as we got into the carpark i was bailed up
by him as he was unlocking the dressing rooms for tonights game. The man is
fuckin nuts, keeps raving on about being allowed to write these match
reports. He's flipped out, lost it completely.

Davey Grieg- yes, i have to agree with ray on this mezza, he's a fucken
liability.

mb- yes, i know. Ever since i gave old eroy the flick on these match
reports hes been a friggin pain. ICQ's me all blasted weekend saying "Let
me do the report mezza, it will be like old times, maybe if i do a good job
u will let me back on the match report team?".....I will have a word to
grange thistle security about him but other than that i dont think there is
much more i can do.

mb- now, before tonights game, i wanted to go thru the pronunciation of some
of these rangers names. So far its been piss poor all fucken season, and
tonight we're going to get it right. now, repeat after
me.............Russell Dux

rl and dg- Russell Dux
mb- good.....that wasnt so hard.............Jimmy
rl and dg- jimmy
mb- very good..........now...listen carefully....andy polichronis
rl- andy poli opolis chrony.....awww shit.
dg- harharharhar ray
mb- come on ray
rl- aw fair suck of the old beer bottle, these bloody rangers names are dead
set impossible mezza. half of them sound like questions and the rest sound
like square roots....they're just to fucken hard to pronounce. Cant they
just adopt one word names like jimmy does?

mb-yes i know ray, but we have to get them done. lets keep going.....Barry
the Baptist
rl and dg- barry the baptist
mb- marko
rl and dg- marko

fades out.....

(Ray Lorry and Davey Greig have just locked them selves in grange club house
to commentate on this match against mezza benaue's wishes)

mb- hey....hey u two.....get out of that bloody commentry box right now
rl- we cant mezza...........u know we're the best commentators on the
team............we have to kick this one off
mb- your gone in there you know that dont you?
dg- we havent got any choice mez, the fans luv us.
mb- jeff....jeff....we have to stop the start of this match, ray and davey
have barricaded themselves into the commentry box and i cant get them out.
jeff- look ...theres no time now, they will have to commentate...we're on in
5 seconds.
mb- arrr shit.....ok

rl- well davey, my old sparring partner, i didnt think this match would be
on tonight. the old "fucken accurate as always" weather bureau forcasted
rain all today and tonight, yet strangley enough its as dry as a totured
barflies mouth in the saraha desert.

dg- yes ray........it is a good night for soccer here at old grange.
Tonight we have the Rangers, fresh off their dominating run through the
marlins and margate here to face an inform northstar. Star havent had the
success rangers have had. And i do beleive the last meeting of these two
teams was in the first round of the Cup were rangers thumped them 4 zip.

rl- whats the pitch conditions like davey?

dg- well i was talking with hazler hines earlier down on the park and this
is what we found out......

(Pre-recorded pitch discussion between davey greig and hazler hines)
dg- well Harry, the pitch looks very good tonight. the cracks are pretty
small, and i cant even get any of my keys into them. I will just do a
moisture test here........
hh- (crunching sound) orrrrr!!!
dg- yes...very wet and sticky indeed.............just cough for me harry?
hh- cough


Report
rl- and theres the signalling wistle ...play underway saw the rangers
underestimating northstar in the first early 10 minutes. Perhaps coming of
easy runs from the last two weeks the rangers think star will be an easy
team to beat.

Eroy being called on early in the air as some great thru balls by star are
delivered. Strong defence in rangers still there to deny star any goals
this early yet. A quick counter attack by rangers sees a great pass thru to
dave but the ref calling a shocker, says hes offside, yet clearly in his own
half.

dg- well correct me if im wrong ray, but you cant be offside in your own
half.

rl- your right davey, the refs fucked it up completly, dave should be
furious. i would be. in fact i can well relate to dave stirling and that
offside fuck up. its shithouse, if i was dave i would be having strong
words with that ref, telling him to fucken get some glasses or something,
cause that call was crap. Daves the best forward rangers have and would
never be offside.

dg- well turn it up ray, he fucken offside 95 percent of the time, the other
5% being his fucken partner merrick or that chris fella.

rl- pigs arse davey. hes never off, its the bloody midfield waiting so
friggin late to pass him the ball, and even then the referees fuck him up.
hes a champion old stirlo, I love him, i want to boff him, get him up
here.......hes a victorian!!!......(sound of a cricket bat hitting skull)
orrrrr.

Mb- we'll be back in just a few moments....what he bloody hells happened to
ray......bloody flipped over dave stirling

mb- rangers still struggling throughout most of the first half. Eroy having
a great time this week seeing plenty of action. Wasnt doing to bad either
but a deadly cross and bounce saw eroy looking more at the opposition than
the ball and he almost fucked up in a big way.

dg- yes, he did fuck it up.............stupid prick.........should have had
it easily covered. Coach dux has got full rights to blast him up the arse
for that blunder.

mb- Rangers still making as good an attack as star are though. some great
passing and runs down the wing flanks and great performance from the likes
of rob, jon, merrick, ant, chris and ray. Cant help but feel rangers have
done more with thier chances then star has.

Rangers go to the break 0-0

Second Half.

Ranger begin very well in the first few minutes with possession and
sustained pressure on star down in their own half. a great cross into the
box sees all star defenders try and clear the loose ball. Dave stirling
again in the right spot at the right time, as a defender rocks the clearance
into daves shins and the ball ricochetes off into the goal. 1-0 rangers.

(sound of a door opening) rl- yes...go dave stirling, hes a legend, a
hero....

mb- ray....for fucks sake ....(sound of door closing)

mb- the game continues for much of the second half with rangers gaining
dominance thru the upfront combinations off, jon and rob, jon and merrick,
jon and ray.

dg- yes, jons been fantastic tonight, star lucky to contain him so far. his
first goals a cracker. out on the left he absolutely belt the ball at the
goal and the keeper hasnt got a fucken clue has he. 2-0 rangers

mb- he has another chance after a fluffed goal kick lands at the feet of
merrick i think. merrick passes to jon who has a quick first time chip
attempt. keeper got that one though.

dg- yes ritch merricks been on a bit of a patchy run lately, but his goal
tonight was great. No angle on the far right about 10 yards out from goal.
keeper covering, defender everywhere, free rangers screeming for the ball.
He backs himself, risky after his form, and lets loose a high
screamer......top shot rewarded witha goal. 3-0 rangers.

mb- but it didnt stop there for rangers. northstar were crumbling. the
rangers forwards to much to handle, especially jon, who was eager to make up
fo rhis lack of appearances by getting some goals. his second goal was
again like his first, out to the left probably 15 yards out with no angle,
keeper well covering. But fuck, he has a go and fair dinkum smashes the
ball underneath the keeper who does all he can just to keep his fingers
attached to his hands. classic rangers 4-0

dg- a quick substitution was then made by the rangers. bring off merrick
and replacing him with dave stirling. Grangers have a corner kick to take.
a great cross, it falls to dave stirling right in front of the sticks, and
he makes no skuffs with it .......5-0 final score to rangers, what a
brilliant goal by dave stirling.

(Door opening sound)

rl- he's a hero!!!, Yeah...run u packy little northstars

mb- ray, you cant fucken be in here mate...orrrrrrr (sound of cricket bat
hitting mezzas head)

rl- pissoff your out mezza......go stirlo......hes brilliant, magic,
intelligent and innovative.......i love him

dg- now take it easy with that thing ray......orrrrrr (sound of cricket bat
hitting daves head

rl- stick that up ya arse davey greig, hes a victorian!!!!



Match Lineup -
Eroy
russell
harry
nicko
marko
barry
andy
jimmy
chris
dave
ray
jon
rob
anthony
merrick