Lanham Park, Brisbane

Whistle blows. Grangers have defeated EFI 3-2.

Whistle blows. Grangers have secured a first division spot.

Whistle blows. Grangers extend unbeaten run to 5 games.

Scully: What are we doing out here Mulder?

Mulder: We’re watching a soccer game.

Scully: I know that. But why are we out here in amongst the trees? And why can’t we at least sit over there with all the other fans?

Mulder: Cause thier opposition fans. And besides we don’t want to be spotted.

Scully: Look I know the Grangers are your favourite soccer team but this is hardly an X-file.

Mulder: On the contrary. This is very much an X-file. As you know I have followed the Grangers since their inception and follow their web page news each week. Although it was taking an extraordinary long time to download there for a while but it seems to be right now. Anyway, as I was saying, I have followed every game of the Grangers and obtained footage of some of the games.

Scully: Will you get to the point?

Mulder: The Grangers have never looked so good. They are knocking it around with confidence and dominating most teams in the league.

Scully: So their playing well. So what?

Mulder: I believe they must be aliens.

Scully: You cannot be serious, Mulder. These player are aliens?

Mulder: Yep. It’s almost certain. I wasn’t sure myself until I saw the Grangers beat EFI.

Scully: So?

Mulder: They have never beaten EFI. They have never even drawn with them.

Scully: So they fluked one.

Mulder: Oh, it was no fluke. They thoroughly deserved that victory. But there are other signs. They have a couple of new players and one of them, Anthony, can barely see. He’s apparently getting some so-called (uses fingers to indicate inverted commas) "laser" surgery.

Scully: And that’s it?

Mulder: Oh, no. Marko over there. The tall one.

Scully: That strapping lad.

Mulder: Yeah, that’s him. He has brought his girlfriend to the past few games.

Scully: Again so?

Mulder: He’s never done this before. I believe it’s all a ruse to convince us they are human. But they may be onto us.

Scully: Why’s that?

Mulder: Well, she’s not here tonight. But Russ has brought his son, and John his wife.

Scully: What?

Mulder: No, John has brought his wife. Not Russ has brought his wife called John. Sometimes you are fucked in the head Scully.

Scully: I’m fucked in the head! You’re the one that thinks they’re aliens.

Mulder: And Dave missed a semi-final for a date. He’s never done that before.

Scully: It’s all very normal. Look, I think...

Mulder: Did you see that. Dave just missed the upright. And now Merrick’s caused the defender to hit his own post. They are just dominating.

Scully: Why are we watching this particular game?

Mulder: Oh, and John heads it just wide. Because they have never beaten Devies. And if they win this will confirm my belief.

Scully: You are allowed to come up with an alternate theory you know. Instead of the alien theory. It’s always the aliens. Ooooh, the nasty little aliens.

Mulder: That’s a little ........PENALTY.

Scully: I thought we were supposed to be quiet.

Mulder: Well yes, but did you see that? Dave went up for the ball and the keeper just took him out. C’mon Dave, slot it. YES.

Scully: Alien theory 1 Just a soccer game 0

Mulder: The whole team is playing well again. Passing superbly and the defence has been first class.

Scully: What’s up with that skinny man?

Mulder: Oh Ray. He’s another case. Mild mannered off the field. On it, he’s a giant ball of energy entusiasm and niggle. He’ll have a card before the game’s over.

Scully: Half time. Can we go over there now Mulder? Something bit me. I think it was a bee.

Mulder: You and your bees. It was probably a mosquito. Stay here. I’m going for a piss.

Ten minutes later.

Scully: Some piss.

Mulder: It was a long flight. Ah, the second half has started and already the Devies are whinging. Boy, they whinge a lot. About time one of their players got carded.

Scully: They’re playing well again.

Mulder: Don’t jinx them. Great ball Rob.

Scully: PENALTY.

Mulder: Scully?!

Scully: What? Can’t I get excited with all this hunk of flesh running around. Looks like Dave’s injured. I heard a loud crack. Maybe I can help with my medical background.

Mulder: Always with the medical background.

Scully: Well I might be able to get a blood specimen.

Mulder: Good idea Scully but he’ll be up in a sec to take the penalty. There he is. And watch he always goes left corner.

Scully: YES. In your face Mulder. He went right.

Mulder: He’s an alien I tell you.

Scully: They are dominating all over the park. Oooh, nasty tackle.

Mulder: Yep, there’s a yellow for Ray. Guess Karen will be doing the shirts again this week. Still the Devies are only really having long shots which Eroy is handling easily.

Scully: There goes Rob. PENALTY. Are you blind referee?

Mulder: Keep it down Scully.

Scully: You keep it down. You seem to be getting a little bit excited down there.

Mulder: Mmmm.

Scully: Dave’s away. Offside. Bullshit linesman. Oh, lineswoman. She’s hopeless. I could do a better job than that.

Mulder: With your medical background?

Scully: Here goes the Devies. Oh it’s alright, Eroy’s got it. What the fu..

Mulder: Get there Harry. Yes. He’s cleared it over the bar.

Scully: No. It’s come straight back down and they have kicked it in. Bloody heck. Well, there goes your alien theory.

Mulder: A bit of the dark old days. But just a hiccup. That’s more on the unusual side now.

Scully: Can you see Hansie Cronje anywhere?

Mulder: Hello. More bickering. That wasn’t a penalty. Too right ref.

Scully: SEND HIM OFF. Oh, he did.

Mulder: Well, that’s his second yellow. So that’s now a red. Woah. That dickhead just knocked the card out of the ref’s hand.

Scully: Well, there has been more cards than in a poker game. What’s going on?

Mulder: Looks like they have abandoned the game.

Scully: What’s that mean?

Mulder: It means Grangers win. You beauty. I love them. Get them up here. I want to woof them.

Scully: You seem to be getting excited again.

Mulder: Well, why not? This game has had more than Julio Iglesias.

Scully: Speaking of Julio. Do you know Fox.... Can I call you Fox? That I’ve always (Scully leans very close to Mulder) been very keen to OUCH. Bloody mosquitos. Hey where you going Mulder?

Mulder: To the TAB. I had $100 on the Grangers.

Quote of the week: "I’m abandoning the game." By the ref. Not the funniest comment but definitely the most talked about comment.

Team:

Eroy, Jimmy, Andy, Nick, Marko, Rob, Russ, John, Chris, Dave, Ray, Pete, Harry, Merrick