(Dave(pen), John, Rob, Andy, o.g.)

Here I am, my first game after laser eye surgery. Boy, I hope I don’t get smashed in the face. Driving over to Ray’s isn’t so difficult. Rarrr. Wooah, what was that bump and cat sound? Oh well. And what is that music I can hear in the background? Oh, yes. That’s my darling Tina Arena. I’m in chaaaaaains.

Well, almost at the ground now.

We must be almost at the ground now. Where the bloody hell is Ray taking us?

OK Ray, it says here that we should do a u-turn and take the next right and we should be on our way.

Finally. Shit, it’s cold. And they’ve got a BBQ going in front of their bench. Bastards. Mmmm, Tina sure can sing.

Up front with Dave, hey, since Merrick’s injured. Maybe Russ believes that those three extraordinary misses the other week were due to my bad eyes and now with one relatively good eye, I am the man.

So far so good. Wiped out that 5 foot nothing defender twice and he seems a little agro. Ha, here we go again. Got him! Hey, the little bastard kicked me. Take that you little shit. That’s it Dave. Break it up before he starts punching my knee caps.

Where is the ref?

Go Ray. Fouled in the box, ref. Ref? Oh, there you are. Penalty. Sure they may have had the best of it initially but now we are starting to dominate and this should give us a boost. Yes, 1-0. Dave slot that away nicely.

Starting to pass it around well. Ooh, that was close Dave, great header. Unlucky John. Uh-oh, they have made a break. They must score here. Brilliant Eroy.

Where’s that bloody Tina Arena music coming from. But oh how sweet it is. I just love Tina Arena.

Boy Rob’s been fouled a lot tonight. I think the ref’s lost his whistle. Here he goes again. Jinking that way and bang, goal. Wooohoooo.

My feet are cold for some reason.

Whoops, that’s half time. Time for a leek. Too bitter. Might have an orange instead.

Now time for a piss. Just behind this chopped down tree. Ah, that’s better. La de da da, I’m in chaaaains. What a tiny stump this is.

Righto, now for the second half.

We seem to have a lot of possession. Everyone is playing well. Knocking it round. Eroy’s having a blinder in goal. Shit, just hit my elbow on something. Oh well, it was pretty soft. And we’ve got a corner. Ooooh, something just smacked me in the groin. Keep playing. Ray drives it in low and ....OWN GOAL. Woooohooooo.

3-0. We should be safe. Back down here again. What a cracker Andy, left foot volley and all. 4-0 should definitely be safe.

C’mon fellas, clear it out. That’s the fifth corner in a row for them and they almost scored of everyone of them. Shit, they hit the cross bar. Oh and now they’ve broken again and oh well, 4-1. Still should be right but they are starting to dominate a little.

Corner for us. I’ve got this. Bang. Yes. No. Just wide. Bugger. Will I ever score again?

Another free kick for us. Try not to miss kick this off the side of the boot Russ. That’s better. There’s John. Goal. Ah, if only I hit my header like that.

Sure you may have the ball but there’s no way past me. Aaaaah, my eye. You bastard. Shit, can I still see. Things are a little blurry. Whoops. Open good eye. That’s better. Seems alright.

Being replaced. Go Chris. Almost got there. Now Pete. Just wide.

There’s the whistle. Wait. Why’s it keep ringing? That’s not the whistle. Oh, shit. It’s my bloody alarm clock. I’ve dreamt the whole game. And still I didn’t score. Bloody nightmares.

"Are you alright, hon?"

Yeah, Helen. Just a dream.

"You’re playing soccer tonight, aren’t you?"

Yep. And I’m playing up front with Dave since Merrick’s injured.

"Are you a little nervous?"

No, why?

"Well, you were tossing and turning in your sleep and now the bed’s a little wet."

Is that the time? Must be off to work?

Team:

Anthony

Dave

Chris

Pete

Andy

Eroy

Russ

Jimmy

Nick

Harry

Rob

John

Ray

Quote of the actual match:

"Good game ref", by Ray. A sentiment not agreed upon by anyone else on the park.