Not content with putting the shambolic Battersea Dogs out of the cup 14 days earlier, Sporting Club Kiosk chalked up with their first victory in the Sportsman on Sunday League yesterday with a comfortable win against the Division Six whipping boys.
A BREAK FROM THE NORM
In a manner completely unlike their early season performances against the Southside Diamonds and Masons Arms, Kiosk converted a solid, if uninspiring first half into a two-nil win, with a brace of goals from in-form striker Haden.
HIGHLIGHTS
To say this match had everything would be untrue. However, this match undoubtably had many things. Highlights included the following:
RAIN
i) The first ever rain of the season. Despite starting as a bright, sunny, almost idyllic Autumn morning, the weather over south London quickly deteriorated before the heaven opened towards the end of the second half. This proved to be unpleasant, but thankfully the effect on the players was minimal. Nobody left, nobody started crying and nobody went inside. Club treasurer, Jon Workman wisely commented 'This was the first rain, but I bet its not the last'.
LENIANCY
ii) The most lenient referee of the season. Following the near brawl last week against Pall Mucia Town, this match will be remembered for the low number of fouls given by the referee. Across the 90 minutes, the referee blew up exactly zero times. This proved to be of considerable advantage to Kiosk, particularly when centre back hard man, Gordon "Chopper" Mowat conceded the most obvious penalty ever in the 65th minute. Not given.
TOFFS
iii) The poshest ever goal keeper. Due to the unfortunate toilet antics of regular Kiosk keeper, Daniel "Menem" Finder, the team looked to Harry Bowcott to make his debut between the sticks. As always, Harry turned in a fantastic performance and, whilst keeping the crowd on the edge of their seats with the odd unexpected move, delivered Kiosks second ever clean sheet. Well done Harry. Controversially, Daniel has expressed his regret at being unable to attend the match, although states that events were not in his control and therefore feels a full blown apology would not be appropriate.
MORE TOFFS
iv) The poshest ever linesman/substitute. In his first ever appearance, John-Christoph Grey performed stirling work, running the Kiosk line. Like Harry, J-C is undoubtably posh. The kind of posh that transcends the class resentment meted out by opposing players to the rest of the team (as in, 'You were a f***ing student you f***ing c*nt). Rather, Harry and JC elicit the kind of respect the working class usually reserve for royalty. When JC flagged for off-side, there was much arguing amongst the Battersea Dogs as to who had 'caught t' young lords eye' rather than any thought to criticise a man of his heritage. Laughing off the apparent burden of his background, JC pointed out that if someone from as lowly a background as Count Gianluca Vialli could make a success in international football, he was sure that there was room for him.
GORDON 'WEB ELLIS' MOWATT
v) The most bizarre moment in football ever. This occurred when, after a Battersea player dribbled the ball down the touch line. The referee turned down Kiosks appeals for a throw in. Mowat, claiming the ball had definitely gone out of play, picked it up, ran to the side of the pitch and gave it to Workman who then took an imagined throw in. This kind of suspension of dis-belief was last seen in a Public School in 1846, when a footballer picked up the ball ran with it, thus inventing the game of Rugby. As one, the Battersea team begged the referee not to let such an awful thing happen again. However, he remained un-moved (in fact semi-conscious) and Gordon was able to demonstrate at last that his positive mental attitude techniques really could help us change our view of reality and effect the future. Next week Gordon will be demonstrating how to fly around the penalty area, snapping the Achilles tendons of all the opposing strikers just by the power of self-belief
P*SS POOR FOOTBALL
vi) The worst goal in football ever. To avoid dwelling on the opening Kiosk Goal, suffice it to say that Burgess shot weakly, the ball hit a Battersea player and rolled slowly towards the keeper. The crowd shouted 'its a back pass', the keeper picked the ball up, panicked, dropped the ball onto his foot, it rolled towards Haden who walked it and himself into the goal net. 1-0.
PANT MOISTENING FOOTBALL
vii) The best goal in football ever. Suffice it to say, the English language doesn't contain the expressive power required to do Kiosk's second goal justice. Alternatively put, Burgess crossed from the right and Haden slotted a right foot volley into the stantion.
1 GOAL IN 270 MINUTES
Will the new found defensive solidity that's improved from conceding 12 goals in the first 4 games to 1 goal in the last 270 minutes of football continue into the next game? Will 'not afraid to fly' striker Mills return from his globe trotting to deliver the promise he showed in pre-season friendlies. Will club secretary Haden continue to surprise everyone including himself by scoring again? Find out in next weeks exciting match report.
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