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PLAYER PROFILES
1. Gerde Finke
Despite being German, Gerde retains the respect of his fellow team mates
through his flamboyant keeping style. Known as �Bat�, his wings are truly
�like a shield of steel�, although his humour is often similarly impenetrable.Gerde has emerged from hibernation for SCK's first cup game on Sunday. And the team are expecting great things from this German bat/goal keeper type hero.
Optima statistic tracking: Goals conceeded 1998/99 season
Mentions of 2 World Wars and 1 World Cup
2. Jon Workman
Jon ended last season on a high note as arguably the teams most improved player,
finally learning to exploit his unusual facial features to great effect by
startling many left wingers into loosing the ball. Watch out for his surging
runs down the right as he uses his impressive turn of pace to venture into the
opposing half.
Optima statistics tracking: Changes of housemate since start of season
3. Harry Bowcott
Harry�s long spindley legs and white, palid skin be-lie his true status as one
of the hard men of the team. Despite his background in drama, Harry remains
truly unflappable and can often be relied upon to know the right person.
Optima statistics tracking: Mentions in Hello during course of match
4. Zaid Alqassab
Despite springing to public attention at the same time, Zaid is totally unlike
the talented Arabic player Haddji. In fact his lack of talent is only slightly
more obvious than his tendency to dispute team tactics, refereeing decisions
and at times, the conventional approach to the rules. Never one to suffer from
a lack of self confidence, he is the only player to sport a beard.
Optima statistics tracking: Disputes with referee about rules
5. Daniel Finder,
Unfortunately, Daniel�s Argentinian.
Optima statistics tracking: Passes completed vs unsuccessful invasions of
meaningless island communities
6. Jon Roscoe
Once a firm stalwart of the team, Jon�s outside commitments to partner, family
and career are starting to take the edge of his undoubted natural ability.
Despite this, he can still be relied upon to break from defence at speed, with
his eyes fixed two feet in-front of him and balding head firmly down, before
beating several players and loosing the ball.
Optima statistics tracking: Ground covered vs balls lost
7. Enrico Galasso
Perhaps the most talented of the continental signings, Italian Enrico has brought
a new dimension to the midfield with his intelligent positional play and deft
passing. He also has a highly attractive girlfriend, who despite clearly being
underage regularly graces the touch line to the approval of the whole team.
Optima statistics tracking: Succesful dives and injuries feigned
8. Warren Richardson �
The creative engine behind the heart of the team, Warren is the true Valderama of
Sporting Club. His increasing lack of mobility is well compensated for by his
pin-point accurate left foot. Thought by some to be past his best football, the
follicley challenged Richardson believes that he still has what it takes to spray
the ball all over the right hand side of the park. Please Note: Warren has scored a goal. It is important that everybody realise this fact. He HAS SCORED A GOAL.
Optima statistics tracking: Passes completed vs hairs lost
9. Peter Haden
Despite a criminal lack of first touch, Peter regularly elevates his game to score
in a variety of goal mouth scramble situations.
Optima statistics tracking: Number of touches by individual players
in penalty area before goal
10. Kevin Ashton
Now in the final stages of his career and despite repeated injury worries
throughout last year, �Klinsman� Kevin still believes there is one more season left
in his tired legs. 1998/9 could prove a turning point for Kevin as he attempts to
put the recurring nightmare of an appalling penalty miss in his crucial debut
against Saatchi�s behind him once and for all. It remains to be seen whether the
fans will allow him to forget.
Optima statistics tracking: Back injuries
Leg injuries
Heart palpitations
` Onsets of alzheimers
11. Mat Shore
Despite his obvious lack of physical presence, Matt has often demonstrated his
surprisingly powerful shooting ability to great effect. Matt enhances his
performance on the pitch via a strict health regime, including regular stamina
training and a carefully controlled diet. This enables him to swiftly turn
attack into defence as he tracks back to play his own brand of total football.
Optima statistics tracking: Goals to offsides ratio
13/21. Gordon Mowat
The rock around which the rest of the defence is built, Gordon�s stoic performances
are often the clinching factor in Sporting Club�s success. Strong in the air and
a towering physical presence, the ex-Bundesleague star carries a heavy weight of
responsibility in covering for the rest of the team. Not some-one who you would
wish to share an post goal embrace with, he is quite definitely, clinically insane.
Optima statistics tracking: Permanent disabilities inflicted
14. Gavin Marshall
The second pillar of defence, Gavin represents the rarest jewel in the footballing
world, a good Scottish defender. However, his accent unfortunately renders him
completely incomprehensible to the rest of the team and consequently, he remains a
mystery. Controversially attached to the finance department, Gavin is as miserly
with the ball as with his own cash.
Optima statistics tracking: Passes succesful
Passes unsuccesfully considered
15. Jean-Christoph Gandon
Undoubtably the oldest player in the league, J-C is French and should at this time
of his life be starting to take a more active interest in Pe-tanque. However,
rather than retire gracefully, J-C has been inspired by his countrymens success
in the Coupe de Monde to grace the pitches of Europe for one more year.
Something of an unknown quantity to the rest of Sporting Club, we wait with
interest to see how this forward adapts to the more sophisticated English style of
play.
Optima statistics tracking: Garlic to Goals ratio
16. Paul Sweeney
Whilst no-one has ever called Paul�s exceptional ability into question, the major
challenge facing him over the course of the season is to keep his weight under
control and avoid the ballooning that has caused him problems at several times
through his career. The talented left footer is persistently dogged by rumours
of an eating disorder; Paul needs to convince the manager and his team mates that
he has given up the pies for good.
Optima statistics tracking: Weight gain since half time
17. Tony Costella
A London born son of Italian immigrant parents, Tony learned his football by
playing keep up with Gnnochi in the back streets of West London. Thought now
to have put his Mafia connections firmly behind him, Tony has become one of the
fairest minded footballers on the park. Whilst clearly playing several divisions
below his natural talent, Tony needs to shake the nagging thought that had things
turned out differently, he could have been a contender.
Optima statistics tracking: Number of hits vs goals scored
18. Otto Rosenberg
Otto�s love of opera, skiing, cabbage and international harmony marks him out as
that rarest thing in football, a liberal Austrian. More of a Woodlouse than a
grasshopper, Otto is another member of the powerful elite Sporting Club centre
backs and is often the final line of defence once the rest of the back four have
gone upfield to compensate for the impotent front line.
Optima statistics tracking: Cultural disasters vs passes completed
19. Stuart Quickenden
Local boy made good Stuart surprised many of his team mates at Sporting Club by
choosing to give up his Sunday golf with senior management to play regularly with
a few of his old friends from his past life on the shop floor. A natural athlete
with few ball skills, Stuart remains largely untested in his pivotal role at the
right of mid-field. Always the politician, he has chosen to drop his obviously
made up second name to avoid making himself into a target, replacing it with the
less controversial �Burgess�.
Optima statistics tracking: Personal advancement since half time