The FFL Herald 9/4/96
The Voice Of Unreason

<---Our reporting staff, Defining all thats News--->

THIS REPORTER:
This reporter had an oportunity to misquote the owners of several teams shortly after the games on Sunday.

Team 5 owner Dave had this to say, "I stand by my picks, we did what was expected of us. Jerry Rice had an outstanding game, and although Sharpe fell down he will be back in fine form in next weeks game. Better than average, Thats us. We just have to hold on loosley and dont let go."

Team 1 owner Mike had this to say, "Well, I won't say this was entirely unexpected, but when I was young life seemed a miracle. There are times when all the worlds asleep and we just have to take advantage. Sometimes questions such as this just run too deep for such a simple man as I.

Team 4 owner Ernie was reticent, but still dislcosed this "I said I would do what I did, make something of that if you can. With Just a beer light to guide us we did it without any voodoo."

Team 9 owner Keith was not very happy, saying "That deaf, dumb, and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball."

Team 7 owner Paul stated "Every girls crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man."

When asked for a comment the Owner/Operator of this paper quickly took advantage of the opportunity to harangue the nonexistant captive audience. "There is a conspiracy afoot declared Joez. I am a traveller of both time and space, yet I find my path cluttered with the refuse of several civilizations who refuse to kneel before me. I was deprived of one of my starters just short of post time, it's not fair." Joez then began frothing at the mouth, no surprise to party insiders, and demanded an investigation." Joez nonexistent wife and 2.4 children then joined him at the podium beaming with pride in their hero. Joez wife (Arial), a buxum blondie, called out loudly for any supporters to come up on stage and 37 jock straps were hurled at her feet, TSBTT (Joez sun) was wildly amused [after all he's only .4]. Joez first child, Farquar, then took the microphone to state publically that "his daddy could beat your daddy" and the entire nonexistant crowd went crazy. Joe later told me that all this was unrehearsed and he did not know his family would be there.

Team 6 owner Mike remarked "There seems to be a pattern here. Some are happy, some are sad, LET THE MUSIC play."

Team 8 owner John was effusive in his praise to his team saying "You take Sally & I'll take Sue, Aint no difference between the two."

Team 3 owner Matt said "Oh the sun is shinin' and I won't let go, ya can't push willie round, willie won't go".

THAT REPORTER:
Due to technical problems involving syncronicity, that reporter column cannot be viewed at the same time.

THE GAMES: Week 1 [Post-Play]
Team 1 vs. TANSTAAFL
In a stunning upset Team 1 crushed TANSTAAFL by a score of [the following content has been edited out and formated to fit your tv screen].
Team 4 vs Team 3
Smith bungles big time, Team 4 comes out on top..
Team 7 vs Team 6
Team 7 gave a hearty display but was overcome by the valiant Team 6 in a most boring game.
Team 9 vs Team 8
Team 8 scares the league with a record win. Team 8 had league leading points.
Team 10 vs Team 5
Due to Team 8 driving up the average, Team 5 had a tougher time than expected.


TEAM NOTES:
Team 1:
Stoyanovich traded to KC. Moon out in first game with two(2) sprainred ankles and now week-to-week, a ballerina he's not. Tyrone Wheatley played the first game but the stress is building. Troy Drayton still wimping with his "alledged" knee surgery. Eric Rhett still holding out for the big bucks. Craig Heyward was nursing his shoulder (TEE-Hee).
TANSTAAFL:
Dropped Eric Green because he was a big fat slob. Picked up Jason Dunn that lean mean tight end from Philly. Dropped Aaron Hayden because he had a nasty toe fungus. Picked up Leonard Russell on recommendation from Dr. Scholl. Dropped Jeff Jaeger due to personality conflicts. Picked up John Kasay because he can kiss it with the best of them. Young suffered Chin Lacerations in first game, Bloody but not serious. Natrone Means now week-to-week because of cowardly thumb. Irving Fryar played wonderfully, to bad he never started.
Team 3
J.J. Stokes suffered a hip bruise which does not appear to be threatining, although he is preparing preemptive stikes {Just in Case}. Kyle Brady has a seperated shoulder that will impair his effectivness in game 2, says he's glad his names not Emmett. Emmett Smith showing more bravado than sense says he's ready to play, doctors think it unlikely. Ernie Mills is highly embarrased by being placed on the unable to perform list for the next six weeks (herpes on his knee, a really disgusting sight, but treatable).
Team 4:
Raghib 'Rocket' Ismail was traded to Carolina. The invisible man Rodney Thomas strikes again, saying in little league you get four. Rob Moore, 2 catches-11 yards, give me a break. Scott Mitchell rejects paltry $20 million contract deal, jeez, no wonder. Lawrence Phillips started though did not play very much.
Team 5:
Shannon Sharpe sprained his ankle but didn't complain much, although he did stumble during the tango competition..Ki-Jana Carter started on sore legs and made them worse in game 1.
Team 6:
Excellent team statistics, nothing major to report. (Hey, he's my boss, but it's still true, really, no reaLLY)
Team 7:
Jeff Hostetler out for 4-6 weeks because girls just wanna have fun and love having their knees tickled. Terry Kirby traded to 49ers. His weak ankles will never do pirouettes like Emmitts. Jim Kelly sacked so many times he joined in on the comfortably numb rendition, did a damn good job too.
Team 8:
Ken Dilger started but that middle finger is showing signs of wear. Eddie George was off his game but is smelling strong. Jeff George still thinks his ears are ringing more than Kelly's.
Team 9:
Fred Barnett off injured reserve but likely to miss season anyway because of Team 9 type depression. Yancy Thigpen sprained his ankle, the poor thing is listed week-to-week.
Team 10:
Nothing to report, what a surprise.

OWNER COMMENTS (overheard by this reporter on the Official Comment Network):Week 1 [Post-Play]
Team 1: AA OO, Way to go Ohio.
TANSTAAFL: Wonders how you manage to feed the rest.
Team 3: Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
Team 4: Sit with elders of a gentle race.
Team 5: Why do we never get an answer, when we're knocking at the door?
Team 6: Ever^ybody hurts~~, sOmetimes, HOLD ON.>
Team 7: In the matter of the real thing, Yeaa^., \You take me higher.
Team 8: Excuse me while I kiss the SKY.
Team 9: Alberts vision looming uncontrolled.
Team 10: Radio's playing some forgotten song.

THE EDITOR:
The Editor would appreciate being kept abreast of any major devolopments, any breaking news will be promptly reported, distributed, and unfavorably commented upon.

If any team trades/drops/adds, The Editor would like to know, so he can send his staff of reporters out for the proverbial Witch Hunt. Anything sleazy, compromising, or even remotely questionable will be reported in detail. Dont worry, our reporters are trained to detect falsehoods and expand on them.

The Editor would also like to announce that this twice weekly paper has been changed to a new format. This paper will now only appear ONCE a week so as not to dilute the quality. This decision, hard as it may seem, was first presented by our beloved Commish, That "I gotta go pee" guy himself. For myself as Editor, I just want to say what a brilliant stroke of genius this idea is. Instead of having Two(2) watered down editions, there will be a richer, more powerfull one(1) edition, and besides I can kiss it with the best of them.

Editors note: Rimma Padva has beaten out all comers as guest commentator, although Dogbert will fill in for her on by weeks, look here for her featured editorials.

Award winning Rimma Padva restated the commentary that won her this spot at the FFL Herald : "Don't look back!, Don't look back!, Don't look back!, Don't look back!. - . Walk along with me to the next bend!. - . ooooh oohhoo weee, wild night is callin. -. com-on-out-n-dance. -. ooooh oohoo wee. - . I don't want to get caught up in that funky ???? goin down in the city. Last all Last all summer long. -. If the summer change to winter yours is no disgrace.

Editors note: Team 5 owner Dave has tried unsuccesfully, (3 times), to identify the name of TANSTAAFL owner Joez'es second child. Dave also unsuccesfully tried to get proscribed hints about said child, This will lead to the biggest defeat for Dave in FFL history next week at the hands of the most dominant team FFL history has ever recorded. As I have stated to our beloved commish, my second childs name has been mentioned in every dispatch. At our beloved commish's request I will provide clues HERE, not to skulking Gorgls. (ie. See Keith).


LETTERS TO THE EDITOR:
There are no leters to the editor becasuse the general consensus is that The Editor is an IDIOT.
Any future letters may be sent to the editor at:

[email protected]

[email protected]

this cc:mail thing to marrocco, joseph

or verbally (dont worry I usually get it right)

All letters to the editor will be printed verbatim unless the editor finds that he is playing you in next weeks game.


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