The FFL Herald 9/6/96
The Voice Of Unreason

<---Our reporting staff, Defining all thats Surprise--->

THIS REPORTER:
Well its finally started, the scrambling, bickering, and outright flagrant declaring of NAMES has begun. This reporter was never really there but has it from fairly unreliable sources that the following may or may be true:
Ernie has declared his TEAM to be the Pocono Pounders.
Dave has declared his TEAM to be the Dominant X's.
John has declared his TEAM to be the Flaming Dingoes.
Hunh? has declared his/her/its TEAM to be the Weakly Average.
WHO will be next, this reporter overheard Team 9 Owner Keith stating that he would do everything in his power to establish a NAME before weeks end.

The Commish has provided a veritable Plethora of information via his exalted software program, yet this reporter was able to catch a glimpse of some reports that have not been made generally available. These documents contain detailed information on players in the league, obviously, our beloved Commish (and rightly so I might add) has found that these documents contain more truth than any one person except Himself and the rightly judged alternate can assimilate and still remain sane. I must say that I fealty giddy from just that brief glance, out of the corner of my eye, PHWEW, thank God for our wise decision in the Commish and his Vice.

BREAKING NEWS:
An impeachment proceeding aimed at our beloved Commish was narrowly averted at the 11th hour by an astounding scientific discovery. This controversey began when two(2) teams with identical records and scores decided to Drop and then Add the SAME person. The only reason for any controversey was the involvement of our Beloved Commish. "How can he be impartial?", cried the nonexistant crowd! "He's implicated now." stated the Followers of Joez. "Dead Meat.", stated Mr. T {with a sweaty faced scowl}.
This quandry was resolved only after an extensive effort involving not only the Commish's advisors but those of Team 3 owner Matt. After carefull deliberation, Matt agreed that an International Panel of arbitrators was the only answer. The panel was made up of the following notables:
Andre Norton, Ben Bova, Hilary Clinton, Paul Nelson
It was a surprise to all when these four made the following discovery:

"By God, we've got it", they exclaimed.
(this reporter was really close by and can attest that these people were stunned.)
Our beloved Commish came out of the meeting looking Prim&Proper, stating :
" I have here a NEW Thing,
a GOOD thing,
a WONDERFULL advance in Science,
and a Convert named MATT.
I Present to You, THE COIN TOSS!"
With This Official coin we will be able to determine who is more deserving. Our Toss can only have one(1) outcome and so one of the disputants will be Judged as the Right one. This will foreverafter be the method we determine such a tie in Add/Drop proceedings. Under lie detector probes Matt said, "YES I WAS IN FLORIDA". THAT REPORTER:
Due to technical problems involving Hydrogen Headaches (should have bought air, damn), that reporter column cannot be viewed at the same time.

THE RUMORMONGER:
This feature was deemed Redundant at the last minute and will not be featured.
THE MATCHUPS: Week 2 [Pre-Play]
Team 1 vs. Pocono Pounders
With Team 1's serious allegations of drug use the outcome here is steeroid, Moo, but still a powerfull team with that moose of a faver. The Pocono Pounders are also coming off a small win and are all set to lay down some sod again. My favorite in this game is the Pocono Pounders, after all, He's bigger than me.
TANSTAAFL vs Dominant X's
TANSTAAFL is coming off a tuff loss to one of the leagues weaker teams, but his entire roster is now healthy (which, by the way, contributed to that significant loss). The Dominant X's, what can one say, they struggled to beat the average (and it was close with win/lose/won/lost, won), but they are only a bunch of Girly Boys and Affirmative action may have had something to do with the Commish's last minute change of statistical scoring. My bet in this one is TANSTAAFL by a record breaking margin.
Team 6 vs Team 9
Team 6 won against Team 7 last week in an obvious political ploy by our beloved Commish to appear as the underdog. Team 9 was humiliated totally by not reading the fine print. My pick in this matchup is "Bastille Day", urp, ahm, Team 6 - because Team 9 needs glasses.
Team 7 vs Weakly Average
Team 7 suffered a political loss last week and tried to hide his Vice's. Weakly Average got a big boost but is now mouning the loss of Csaba (out forever with terminal Team 9 Syndrome). This is a Tuffie, Team 7 wants to holdout on the Name 'political' question, yet needs to win. Team 10 is fighting mad. I pick Team 7 by 1 point for this one.
Team 3 vs Flaming Dingoes
Team 3 is coming off a tough loss, but has Emmitt to play with. Flaming Dingoes are coming off a Huge win, but have Rimma to contend with (sorry). Both Team 3 and the Flaming Dingoes have been trying to Add/Drop/Trade furiously, ("good for that treasury tax, says Keith") but I wonder why. My spies say that the Flaming Dingoes will lose this one.
THE GAMES: Week 2 [Post-Play]
This edition contains no post-play, stupid, there has been no -Play yet. (this aint golf you know)
Team 1 vs. Pocono Pounders
TANSTAAFL vs Dominant X's
Team 6 vs Team 9
Team 7 vs Weakly Average
Team 3 vs Flaming Dingoes

ADD/DROPS/TRADES Note(nothing here is before the final cull when COMMISH RULES will be written on the subway walls, these are just our projections, accuracy +/-.001%[damn we're good])
Team 1:
TANSTAAFL:
Wants to Buy Favre for $18.
Team 3:
Wants to drop Mills and Pick up Keith Jackson. (Team 3 wins the coin toss)
Wants to Drop Novacek, nobody knows WHY, and Pick up Karim Abdul-jabbar.
(Team 3 wins due to a discrepency in points)
Pocono Pounders:
Dominant X's:
Trying to get rid of Elam before that nasty toe fungus that got ? strikes.
Team 6:
Wants to Trade Marino for a quarterback with stamina.
Team 7:
Wants to drop Sloan and Pick up Keith Jackson.
Wonders who will be first at the Paint Party of Sherman Williams.
Flaming Dingoes:
Wants to Drop Rison and Pick up Tamarick Vanover.
Wants to drop Dilger and Pick up ? Morton.
Wants to Drop Byars and Pick up Karim Abdul-jabbar.
Team 9:
Weakly Average:
Wants to retire and buy an Ostrich farm.

TEAM NOTES:
Team 1:
Brett Favre's success in game one attributed to drug use.
Keyshawn Johnson, upset that his role is not a starting one, is threatning to behead the children of his coach.
Troy Drayton, in a move reminiscent of Rommel in WWII, stated, I may return.
TANSTAAFL:
After week 1 Joez backup defense is drowining in an ocean of of injuries, Land Shark said the doorbell.
Team 3:
Pocono Pounders:
Lawrence Phillips did really well and is expected to keep it up, lotsa luck Jailbird.
Dominant X's:
Team 6:
Drew Bledsoe said he feels real good after the loss and "cant we all just live together". (maybe he's scrambling for his job)
Team 7:
Flaminig Dingoes:
Team 9:
Team 10:
Who cares.
OWNER COMMENTS (overheard by this reporter): Week 2
Team 1: The Good, The Bad, The Better Team, thats the tune I'm whistling.
TANSTAAFL: We Shall Overcome Team 5.
Joez nonexistent wife and 2.4 children then joined him at the podium beaming with pride in their hero. Joez wife (Arial), a buxum blondie, called out loudly for any supporters to come up on stage and 37 jock straps were hurled at her feet, TSBTT (Joez sun) was wildly amused [after all he's only .4]. Joez first child, Farquar, then took the microphone to state publically that "his daddy could beat your daddy" and the entire nonexistant crowd went crazy. Joe later told me that all this was unrehearsed and he did not know his family would be there.
Team 3: No Comment, I took a stupid hotel without a fax machine.
Team 4: Every little bit helps and I'll take all I can get.
Team 5: None of these rumors can possibly be traced back to me.
Team 6: Serve 'Em up.
Team 7: (I paid my $18)
Team 8: Have a Pie.
Team 9: I forgot to read the FINE print.
Team 10: I'm just a nobody :(
THE EDITOR:
The Editor is proud to display the first showing from Rimma's Place, please let the staff know what you think.
Rimma's Place Joez is just a big softie with a nice tie. I managed to talk him out of his most recent quest for an investigation by merely mentioning that I was a Russian spy sent to find the secret of the Flaming Dingoes startling first success. He quickly acceeded to my message and the response was "John the workers party is watching you".

Editors Note: Dave tried once more to guess Joez second child's name with as much success as the first three. The Commish gave it a singular, but wrong try, and then said "I Gotta Go Pee".

Editors Note: This is the last edition of The FFL Herald in its present incarnation. Next week we will no longer be the same shabby, tired old rag you have all grown used to. Like the Pheonix rising from the ashes, we will suffer the Gorgl no longer, we wiill be bold in our new stance, we will be something even the cat refuses to drag in.

Editors Clue: The key to Joez second childs name appears in the first edition of this now illlustrious paper. (copies are available for $18)

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR:
There are no leters to the editor because no one trust the editor.
Any future letters may be sent to the editor at:

[email protected]

[email protected]

,li> this cc:mail thing to marrocco, joseph

or verbally (dont worry I usually get it right)

All letters to the editor will be printed verbatim unless the editor finds that he is playing you in next weeks game.

STUFF:
NAMES: Buy a Cool TEAM Name for only $18.
(We have exclusive rights to Names like, WorkHorse, SpeedoMan, and 1-800-555-beer)
(Buy now before our supply of exclusive names expires.)