9/13/96 The FFL Herald
There Will Be No Sorrow
Directed by The Peoples Choice, Rimma Padva & Csaba Lorinczy


(favorable reporting is always assured at the party

THIS REPORTER:
This Reporter has been discontinued.
 THAT REPORTER:
That Reporter has been discontinued.

 THE MATCHUPS:
The matchups feature has been discontinued.
 THE GAMES:
The games feature has been discontinued.
 ADD/DROPS/TRADES
This feature has also been discontinued.
TEAM NOTES:
 This feature has also been discontinued.
 OWNER COMMENTS
This feature has also been discontinued.
THE EDITOR:
This feature has also been discontinued.
 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR:
This feature has also been discontinued.
 STUFF:
This feature has also been discontinued.
 Rimma's Place Will continue as planned. The workers revolt went exactly as planned, thank you ALL for your participation. I have been placed in a position of authority that I did not want, YET will I serve. I, like you, have been oppressed for far to long. I will do my duty and see that all is Well among my subjects.

YEA RIGHT
 AND NOW
 PRESENTING
 THE NEWEST VERSION

 The FFL Herald - 9/13/96
 We're BIG, We're BAD, We're BETTER then EVER
We've got INFO on all the Stuff you Care about.


(UnOfficial) (QuarterBacks) (Receivers) (Running Backs) (Injury Reports) (Hot Dogs)

(HHMMM...) (Win BIG) (SURPRISE)

Live from Plainsboro it's The FFL Herald 9/13/96
The Voice Of Unreason
Owned and Operated under the Auspices of the TANSTAAFL Franchise
THE FFL HERALD IS MORE THAN PROUD TO ANNOUNCE
THAT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAS CHANGED
(favorable reporting will always cost money)
 <---Our reporting staff researching all that's FFLBall--->
THIS REPORTER:
This Reporter is glad to announce that though canceled shortly before last weeks edition , "THE RUMORMONGER" has been reinstated and is now dedicated to track the trail of the "Joez second child treasure hunt", and will be authored by None other then Joez second child (catch he/she if you can).

A new NAME reverberated throughout the league this week: Mike G. has declared his TEAM to be the Temporary Terminators. Although presented to close to press time for all features to be updated the staff salutes one of the "team name" holdouts on having the courage to go along with the crowd. There are now only three of these antisocial owners left. When will they come to their senses and realize the beauty of their own "team name"?

Yes, it's happened again. In a move reminiscent to when He declared his Team name, TANSTAAFL owner Joe has, yet again, brought a new and exciting dimension to the league. He has declared a LOGO, yes that's right, a LOGO. I was happy to be present when Joe unveiled his new team LOGO. Joe stated "Yes fellow soulmates, we now have something more to be proud of. I have answered the unanswerable question, Which comes first - The Chicken or the Egg? I KNOW, I HAVE SEEN, The Answer is NEITHER, the Chicken is a mutated form of ectoplasm that birthed itself by being an egghead.

Joez nonexistent wife and 2.4 children then joined him at the podium beaming with pride in their hero. Joez wife (Arial), a buxom blondie, called out loudly for any supporters to come up on stage and 37 jock straps were hurled at her feet, TSBTT (Joez sun) was wildly amused [after all he's only .4]. Joez first child, Farquar, then took the microphone to state publicly that "his daddy could beat your daddy" and the entire nonexistent crowd went crazy. Joe later told me that all this was unrehearsed and he did not know his family would be there.

With a flourish, Joe unveiled his new Team Logo and announced, "I am proud to show the world our new symbol of superiority, let every man fear."

Joez wife (Arial), a buxom blondie, then called out loudly, "AND that's not all we have to celebrate, our new zygote, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, has proved to be viable, a girl, and one heck of a kicker." Several pro scouts immediately surrounded the anxious couple. Farquar grabbed my microphone and screamed "3.1, we're 3.1, My daddy can beat your daddy 2.2" , TSBTT, now no longer the youngest and a proud .6, was wildly amused. Joe later told me that all this was unrehearsed and he did not know how his wife keeps getting pregnant.

Nasty Fungus attacks many team players.
A fungus, first seen on ?, and then nearly spotted on Elam has been sweeping through the league. All players are urged to report any unsightly blemishes to their trainers immediately. This fungus has been known to sideline players without much notice If anyone spots a player with said fungus you are urged to immediately do the following:
  1. Back away slowly and pull out a crucifix.
  2. Scream loudly at the top of your lungs - "THERE'S A FUNGUS AMONG US."
  3. Sweat a lot, everybody knows Fungus's don't like moisture.
  4. Eat a mushroom.
  5. Say "I gotta go pee" ten times real fast.
These measures should protect you long enough for our camera crews to arrive and get some really grisly pictures.

 THAT REPORTER:
Due to technical problems involving Graphical Inverse Square Syndrome, That Reporter column can not be displayed on CC:Mail.

THE RUMORMONGER:
Paul, Dave, & Mike S. made pitiful overtures last Friday, However they did rule out some possibilities.
The following names are WRONG:
  • Jock Strap (as if I would have some untoward smell, or Worse)
  • Herald (A favorite of all three, yet still wrong)
  • The (Dave said he would be quite upset if that was it, It wasn't)
  • Joe (Paul thought he really had something with this one, I have no idea why)
  • Unreason (Wrong, I'm a sensible person)
  • Auspices (come on now. I'm not that weird)
  • Gorgl (I am not an animal)
    • Three tries were quite beyond the bounds of reality but expected.
    Every word in the paragraph about our support for Dad (SORRY,Paul & Dave)
    Every word in the headings (I will not be found so easily Dave.)
    I am sorry to announce that due to the unscrupulous efforts at investigation as evidenced by the last three attempts to subvert reality, TSBTT has been called in to adjudicate all further guesses, He was reported to be wildly amused.
    Guess the staffs favorite joke in this issue and win a Dollar.
    The first to identify the song in the workers title gets a Dime.
    The first to identify ? gets a Nickel.


     THE GAMES:Week 2 [Post-Play]
    Team 1 vs. Pocono Pounders
    Team 1 just barely squeaks by the Pocono Pounders in a 47 to 30 upset that stunned everyone except the Pocono Pounders owner Ernie, "I just knew I couldn't win but for team morale, well, you know." Team 1 owner Mike S. barely gloated at all.
     TANSTAAFL vs. Dominant X's
    TANSTAAFL team crushed by Dominant X's in a game that went right to the wire. Aided by a wimpy Steve Young, the Dominant X's win their second close contest.
    This story has been deemed inappropriate for all audiences so the font was changed to protect the stupid.
     Team 6 vs. Team 9
    As I stated last week so it is. Team 6 scored an easy and almost contemptible win over Team 9 in a contest that was never close and an ending never in doubt with the final score 44 to 40. After all Team 9 needs glasses.
     Americuz Team vs. Weakly Average
    Though not as close a game as the staff predicted we are still not going to admit that we were wrong (The clinton admin has nothing on us).
     Team 3 vs. Flaming Dingoes
    As our spy reported - [discontinued] - though we are rethinking that position since she was right.

    THE MATCHUPS:Week 3 [Pre-Play]
    TANSTAAFL vs. Team 3
    TANSTAAFL owner Joe has waited a long time for this one, "Matt is way to overconfident with his easy win but my spies were the ones who helped, I predict a real thrashing for the arrogant upstart." Because of their Perfect 0-2 record we predict that TANSTAAFL will be the Big winner in this one.
     Pocono Pounders vs. Dominant X's
    Dominant X's 2-0, Pocono Pounders 1-1. This is a real tuffie, the Dominant X's owner Dave has been seen plying The Commish with wine, women, and song. The Pocono Pounders are a big threat though with Hampton & Phillips due. My bet is the Pocono Pounders by a wide margin and a confidence vote if the commish gives points away again.
    Americuz Team vs. Flaming Dingoes
    An 0-2 Americuz Team Vs a 1-1 Flaming Dingoes team, no contest. These two will team up to allow The Commish another politically correct loss.
    Team 9 vs. Weakly Average
    What can we say, The Weakly Average is a strong team with a new quarterback. Team 9 needs glasses. My bet is that Team 9 and Americuz Team will be the only ones with no wins after this one.
    Team 1 vs. Team 6
    Two undefeated teams square off in this one and only one can come out unscathed. Team 1 only had one real contest (against TANSTAAFL), Team 6 played a blind man and won for political advantage. My bet on this one is for Team 6 to come out strong and never let up, a clear favorite by at least 15 points.

     ADD/DROPS/TRADES
    Note(almost nothing is here because everyone is paranoid +/-.001%[damn we're good])
     Team 1:
    TANSTAAFL :     Wants to Buy Favre for $18.
     Team 3:
    Pocono Pounders:
    Dominant X's:
    Team 6:
    Americuz Team:
    Flaming Dingoes:
    Team 9:
    Weakly Average:
     TEAM NOTES:
    Team 1:     Faulks toe is developing a nasty fungus and is doubtful it will heal by Sunday. (many of Faulks teammates taking up religion)
    Dayton slipped a few stitches but should still play.
    Rhett still waiting for the big bucks.
    Heyward to begin with rotator cup exercises.
     TANSTAAFL :
    Means still afraid to hitchhike due to bum thumb.
    Salaam coming along, but doubtful.
    Young sidelined by fowl play, now week-to-week.
     Team 3:
    Abdul-jabar sprains ankle in a great show of affection.
     Pocono Pounders:
    Ismail now negotiating for new ankle due to nasty fungus, says "It's nothing, Really".
    (shouts of "I gotta go pee" were deafening)
    Dominant X's:
    Sharpe's ankle no problem exclaims his big toe.
    Carter frustrated by so little play.
    Elam's hip no threat to kickers success.
     Team 6:
    Cash sprained his knee in a stupid display at the 40yd line.
    Thomas fell on his butt once to often and now week-to-week.
    Bettis's first 100 yard game in 3 years, to bad he didn't play.
     Americuz Team:
    Reed pulled his groin muscle and said he wishes he was a dog, now week-to-week.
    Mathias has rotator cup problems.
     Flaming Dingoes:
    Testaverde, cracked ribs?, says he'll be there to play, pain killers?(seen hanging out with Favre).
    George, longest run in Oilers history, to bad he didn't play.
     Team 9:
    Collins knee injury not serious he declares.
     Team 10:
    Scorealotta causes mayhem with software, feared host of Nasty Fungus, (Dustin Hoffman on his way).

     OWNER COMMENTS (Where Trash Talk Rules):Week 3
    Team 1:     My Unworthy Opponent will never know what hit him, Brett is going to spike his Gatorade.
     TANSTAAFL : It's GOT to be a conspiracy, but we will overcome Team 3.
     Team 3: I bet TSBTT will be "wildly amused" when I stomp his dad's team.
    Pocono Pounders:     I don't slyly talk trash like some I know.
     Dominant X's: That Trash Talk Will Get You Every Time.
     Team 6: Team 1 talks big, but we'll be the ones left standing when the smoke clears.
    Americuz Team:     I'm going to start a trash war between Team 1 and Team 6.
     Flaming Dingoes: I know things about the Commish that nobody else would dare to reveal.
     Team 9: I don't need glasses to be better then average.
     Weakly Average: Even with a new quarterback I want to buy an Ostrich farm.

     THE EDITOR
    Due to non-technical difficulties the editor extends his apologies for the scarcity of real good news and states all logos are now free.

    Editors Note: Due to CC:Mail technical difficulties the amount of graphics in this issue will probably never be seen again (alas).

    Editors Clue: Joez second child's name has been in every issue.
    The ? in question is not.
    It's a Song (late 60's or early 70's).
     Rimma's Place Has been cancelled, this joke took to much setup and seems only good for one laugh.

     LETTERS TO THE EDITOR:
    There are no letters to the editor because no one trusts Abe.
    Any future letters may be sent to the editor at:
  • [email protected]
  • [email protected]
  • this cc:mail thing to marrocco, joseph
  • or verbally (don't worry I usually get it right)
    • All letters to the editor will be printed verbatim unless the editor finds that he is playing you in next weeks game.

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