(UnOfficial) (QuarterBacks) (Receivers) (Running Backs) (Injury Reports) (Hot Dogs)
 The FFL Herald 9/20/96
The Voice Of Unreason
Owned and Operated under the Auspices of the TANSTAAFL Franchise
THE FFL HERALD IS MORE THAN PROUD TO ANNOUNCE
THAT EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED
(favorable reporting will always cost money & everyone needs glasses)
<---Our reporting staff, researching all that's FFLball--->

THIS REPORTER:
First Conclave of Team Owners
Due to bitter infighting amongst the team owners a full conclave was called for by the Vice-Commish
John. Most team owners tried to resist his siren call but were overcome by common sense and a desire to find out just exactly what was going on. The team mascot Rimma decided to spill the beans and Paul was soon covered in sauce. Next thing anybody knows - A Vote Is Called. Although all 9 owners were quick to observe that the summer solstice had long since passed, they agreed to abide by the ruling of the majority.
On the RULE of TIE vote, the following was determined:
  • 6 for
  • 1 against
  • 1 abstention
  • 1 no show
  • 1 pills
  • 1 committee
  • 1 voting twice
  • and Several of the same silly questions were asked by different people
    • IRS Investigating Owners In a Gestapo like raid, members of the infernal revenue service swooped down on the headquarters of the FFL League today. By extensive browbeating of the nonexistent league treasurer they obtained all financial records held by the league. After a fine toothed comb was used to remove all evidence of lice, these records were not returned. The Commish stated that there was no cause for alarm, as there was nothing in the alleged records to harm the league. Two owners of teams in this FFL League are, however, currently pending indictment by the IRS due to their purchase of doughnuts in amounts far beyond their means of income.

    New Name & Logo
    A new Name and Logo were declared this week by none other than Team 3, you know the one I'm talking about, yes, that wishy-washy upstart Matt himself. Our hidden microphones and cameras were present when Matt practiced his really lame speech in his cubicle and THIS is what they have to tell us: "It has come to my attention that our dearest commish has assigned my team a very bogus name. This, in turn, has prompted me to get on the stick and come up with a more appropriate name than the Lovell Lovers! And now, with no further ado, here you will find my new and improved team name. Heck, since Paul has put me in such a decisive mood, I've also included a team logo for your viewing pleasure!"
    The Florida Fuego


    Prices Double
    Since the advent of Team Names, the economy has been very shaky. With the introduction of Team Logos, the economy has gone on a roller coaster ride to hell. In an attempt to head off disaster, Abe freed all the Logos but that was only a Band-Aid that ensured we all had a bucket to ride in. TANSTAAFL owner Joe appeared only long enough to say "I told you so". ZZTop said, "at least we're enjoying the ride." On 9/12/96, In an attempt to bolster confidence, This Reporter decided to interview last weeks big winner Matt, owner of The Florida Fuego. Matt said "This league is about to fold and to hell with Kathy Ireland, I'm taking my money while the takings still good." TANSTAAFL owner Joe appeared only long enough to say "WHAT AN IDIOT!". Almost immediately after that, the economy decided to remain stable, Mike G. declared his new team name, AND, peace talks with the Logos began in earnest.

    Trash Talk Outlined
    In an Exclusive interview with the Dominant X's owner, Dave shared with us his definition of the term 'Trash Talk'. "You know," Dave started, "I've always said that that trash talk will get you nowhere, but I'm the master of innuendo. To me, 'Trash Talk', is making the other guy/girl so mad that he/she is incapable of rational thought and appropriate FFL strategy. You'll notice that my use of politically correct language can be used to inflame any group of peoples. I can twist the meaning to my advantage at need, and that's what 'Trash Talk' means to me. Besides, it's fun making the others talk trash."

    New Feature
    This reporter is happy to announce a new feature that will be seen in upcoming issues. After secret closed door nonexistent meetings between Rimma, The Commish, and the Chairman of The Board were concluded to everybody's satisfaction, a decision was reached to launch a collaborative venture. All three agreed that the major sticking points were the title of the new feature, the graphic (if any), and the salaries not to be paid. Though the content to be disseminated was not mentioned, all three seemed to be in a great hurry to unveil their salaries. Rimma was first to arrive at the press conference by the expedient of pole vaulting over the other two while they tried to squeeze through the door at the same time. Arriving breathless and with a curious glow to her face Rimma screamed into the assembled microphones "I Pulled A Groin Muscle". This immediately blew out all electronics for a ten mile radius and effectively ended the press conference.
    With more daring than sense, this reporter snuck in to the inner sanctum of the three and made off with a scoop worthy of only himself. Dan Rather eat your heart out. Here today, I will reveal the name, graphic, and a sample of the new feature.
    KYFHO
    Favre says league forced him into rehab
    NEW YORK - Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre said he was forced into rehab by the NFL and would not have told the league about his problem with painkillers had he known that would have happened, according to a published report. Favre said "I'd have never" told the NFL of his Vicodin dependency, according to Sports Illustrated. Favre completed a 46-day stay at a clinic in Kansas for his addiction.

     Nasty Fungus
    Although Scorealotta, the feared host of the nasty fungus, has been disposed of, there are still software problems. Dustin believes a new strain was transmitted to Scoreallota's son Scorea Touchdown which is resistant to existing antibodies. "New and even more strenuous methods will be needed to sanctify our league software.", says Hoffman.
    The nasty fungus has infected fewer players this week but panic is spreading, players who remain clean are being turned in as inactive, defenses are being shortchanged, and whole teams are being reported as being somewhere they are not.
    "But, not to worry", states Hoffman, "I'll be here when you need me Billy."

    Time Travel
    This reporter was present to hear the bewildering news presented by TANSTAAFL owner Joe yesterday. In a bewildering, did I say that already?, press conference; Joe announced that he has almost perfected a method of traveling to the past. "In earlier InTrak experiments I proved to myself that it was possible for the present to talk to the past. Now, I have found a method for the past to talk to the future. The juncture of these disparate times I like to call 'The Present', though that distinction will soon be blurred by scientific gobbedlygook. For now, let us say that this method will shortly allow the future to speak to the past and I will be able to determine the present and will soon gain control of this FFL league. Shortly after that my power and influence will be so great that I will be able win the American Presidential election and from there THE WORLD!."
    Joez nonexistent wife and 3.1 children then joined him at the podium beaming with pride in their hero. Joez wife (Arial), a buxom blondie, called out loudly for any supporters to come up on stage and 47 jock straps were hurled at her feet, TSBTT (Joez sun) was wildly amused [after all he's only .6]. Joez first child, Farquar, then took the microphone to state publicly that "his daddy could beat your daddy" and the entire nonexistent crowd went crazy. Joe later told me that all this was unrehearsed and he did not know his family would be there.
    Joez wife (Arial), a buxom blondie, then called out loudly, "AND that's not all we have to celebrate, our new zygote, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING a girl, and one heck of a kicker, has proved to be fraternal twins. WE are happy with EVERYTHING also of course, though another male was not what I really wanted. Just imagine, I'll now be outvoted 4 to 3. And this little guy seems to be quite a fighter as the ultrasound showed him punching out his little sister after she kicked him" Several promoters immediately surrounded the anxious couple. Farquar grabbed my microphone and screamed "3.2, we're 3.2, My daddy can beat your daddy 2.2" , TSBTT, now no longer the youngest by far and a proud .7, was wildly amused. Joe later told me that all this was unrehearsed and he did not know how his wife keeps getting pregnant and doesn't understand where all these kids are coming from but he loves them all just the same.
    Several cries of "Call Dr. Kevorkian" could be heard amidst all the hubbub. This Reporter, an unwilling participant at the press conference, feels that Joe has developed a severe case of megalomania and should be put away, preferably someplace quiet with nice padding.

    THAT REPORTER:
    That Reporter is gleefully proud to announce that this publication made an ERROR and GOD has sent his lightning to strike it down.
    This so-called publication, with malicious aforethought (although that was denied with near clinton-like aplomb), MISSPELLED the name of a "TEAM". When GOD sent his lightning down, it struck this publication and freed me to speak like Abe freed the logos. I, That Reporter, was presented with an opportunity to garner the Truth and present it to you my dearest friends and faithful readers.
    In the fourth issue of this so-called publication, the name Americuz Team was reported as the team formerly known as Team 7. This was an Untruth, the team formerly known as Team 7 had declared their new name to be Americaz Team , yet no notice was taken by this paper at the time of Declaration (as is usual in this situation).
    I tried to question The Editor about why all other TEAM name declarations were reported with fairness and accuracy, and yes, even with some pride in our fledgling league and he had this to say. "At the time Team 7 owner Paul (formerly known as Our Beloved Commish) declared his team name, there were impeachment proceedings pending against said owner, and, well, the Name Declaration kinda, well , umm, got lost in the shuffle for headlines, and, well, when we, that is, they, realized that there had been a new team name declaration, well, umm, we, umm, that is, they, decided to just add the new team name to our features, umm, mrmm, without notifying me, yea, that's it." I instantly asked how the MISSPELLING came about and was told, "Well our data entry clerk had a bunch of classes with mr gore, and well, she's been fired so that ends that. We apologize for any inconvenience and plan to buy several candy bars." The Editor responded to all further attempts at questions with a quickly replied "It's all fixed now but excuse me, I gotta go pee.", which appears to That Reporter as a mere political ploy.
    Well folks that's all I, That Reporter, could get. I leave it for you to decide because GOD is calling me back, Bye for now.

    THE RUMORMONGER:
    TSBTT (That's TIZ-Bit for you phonics types)
    Paul & Keith made pitiful overtures, However they did rule out some possibilities.
    The following names are WRONG:
  • Second Child (I am not a number Paul)
  • Wildly (very good for a guy who needs glasses, but I'm the calm one Keith)
  • . (look closer Paul, TSBTT is the little one, OOPS I mean Absolutely Nothing, sorry tiz)
    • Several other guesses were also wrong but I forget exactly what they were because I have the attention span of a child.
    THE ANSWERS:
    The staffs favorite joke in the last issue was that Abe made all the Logos free (although equality will be harder).
    The song in the workers title was "Let It Be". There Will Be No Sorrow (sung on a rooftop anthology).
    TANSTAAFL dropped Aaron Hayden because he had a nasty toe fungus in the 2nd issue.(somebody should have called Dustin Hoffman immediately)

    THE WINNERS:
    Nobody had the correct answers.

    Two Fingers Tread My Rhythm
    Through All I Sense & Share
    I Wonder of Which I Show Your Eyes
    How Much You are Aware
    The first to name the Album & Band hinted at in "Prices Double" gets a Dime.
    The first owner who guesses the identity of The Chairman gets a Dollar.
    Anyone who can explain to Joe how Arial gets pregnant gets a Two Dollar Bill.
    Anyone who knows what KYFHO means gets a Quarter.



     THE GAMES:Week 3 [Post-Play]
    TANSTAAFL vs. The Florida Fuego
    In a startling upset, The Florida Fuego barley managed to win a really tight game over TANSTAAFL. Joe stated "We had the whole thing won until Matt decided to play really dirty by making TSBTT watch his defense stealing all those balls from the other team. With TSBBT shrieking hysterically "It's wrong to Steal daddy", I had to leave my duties as owner and attend to my child which allowed that cheater to sneak by me in a really close contest, only 54 to 32, we were so close." Matt was reported to be wildly amused.
     Pocono Pounders vs. Dominant X's
    The Pocono Pounders suffered a really embarrassing defeat at the hands of those girly boys the Dominant X's. This loss can only be attributed to rumors that the Pounders QB Aikman is a closet homosexual and really came to identify with the opposing team and wants to come out and join them in sexual promiscuity, after all, them girly boys have to stick together. At 48 to 31, I would guess so.
     Americaz Team vs. Flaming Dingoes
    So it was written, so it has become. Another political loss for The Commish. John tried to save face by calling for the rule vote but this reporter was not fooled, and there was a not so discreet Giving of points. Does noone else see the corruption about to engulf us all? 40 + 1 to 40 for The Vice.
     Team 9 vs. Weakly Average
    Keith defended Team 9's stubborn refusal to see an optometrist and says that his team also has a perfect record. So it was written, so it has become. 39 to 29 for the Average.
    Team 1 vs. Temporary Terminators
    Brett, spiking wrong Gatorade cooler says "Yea man". So it was written, so it has become. 64 to 36 for the big winner Mike G.

     THE MATCHUPS (Odds By Jimmy The Greek):Week 4 [Pre-Play]
    Team 1 vs. Team 9
    This ones a no brainer. Both teams are coming off humiliating losses but only Team 9 needs to see the optometrist. Brett is still giggling about his high points of last week. My bet is Team 9 to lose even after Brett gets pulled in by the cops for that drive by shooting up in the 4th quarter. Team 1 by 16.
     The Florida Fuego vs. Temporary Terminators
    The Fuego won last week because of childish compassion from his opponent. The Terminators are on a roll and seem unstoppable. AND YET, both teams are scrambling for players, what gives? In the closest contest not settled by The Commish and his vice of giving out points, my bet is for the Terminators to go down in flames by a 3 point margin.
     TANSTAAFLvs. Weakly Average
    TANSTAAFL has a perfect loss/win record, the Weakly Average a mere 33%. The TANSTAAFL owner is committed to win and can be reached at The Winners Sanitarium, The Weakly Average owner doubts his own existence. The Weakly Average has been seen hanging out with Brett, and yet, my bet is for TANSTAAFL to come out and win big because government Thorazine is stronger than any street drug.
     Pocono Pounders vs. Americaz Team
    This is the tuffie of the week. The Commish wants to remain political and yet still avoid a loss this week. The Pounders have been Pounded two weeks in a row. My bet is that The Commish and his Vice will be exposed in this weeks matchup for sharing insider information as the Pounders lose by the leagues widest margin ever.
     Flaming Dingoes vs. Dominant X's
    Dominant X's owner Dave seen whining and dining with Vice? The Flaming Dingoes owner John is way to savvy a political operator to give up his chance at a win just to get so little ahead in the political struggle he manages to handle daily by himself. My bet for this one is the Dingoes to come out on top in this one.

    ADD/DROPS/TRADES Note(This feature will be discontinued due to late reporting that does noone any good, +/-.000%[damn we're very good])
     Team 1: TANSTAAFL:
    Wants to Buy Favre for $36.
    Will interview flunkies for $18.
    Adds: K John Kasay
    D Miami
    Drops: K Jeff Jaeger
    D Jets
     The Florida Fuego:
     Adds: RB Karim Abdul-jabbar
    TE Keith Jackson
    Drops: WR Ernie Mills
    TE Jay Novacek
     Pocono Pounders:
    Dominant X's:
    Temporary Terminators:
    Americaz Team:
    Flaming Dingoes:
     Adds: RB Earnest Byner
    WR Tamarick Vanover
    WR Johnnie Morton
    Drops: RB Keith Byars
    WR Andre Rison
    TE Ken Dilger
     Team 9:
    Weakly Average:
    TEAM NOTES: Team 1:
    Heyward to play but nobody expects him to last long due to rotator cup surgery that hasn't happened.
    Faulk seems to be holding his own against Nasty Toe Fungus but doubtful.
    Jennings leg seems to be connected to the kneebone.
    Smith will probably start even though he has that unsightly dead elbow skin.
     TANSTAAFL:
    Jaeger picked up by Chicago, sorry Joe, you wasted him too early.
    Young decides not to retire and will play for a little while (but probably won't throw much due to groin).
    Means played last week but his thumb is as responsive as a toe.
    Salaam questions what comes on his ham sandwich at local Diner.
     The Florida Fuego:
     Smith about to lose starting position.
     Pocono Pounders:
     Meggett sneaking cookies and slowing down quite a bit says coach.
    Ismail to return after ankle injury despite feeling something touch his knee yesterday.
     Dominant X's:
     Elam's hip still swivels to Elvis's beat.
    Jeffires doubtful that his ankle will make his knee tickle.
     Temporary Terminators:
    Americaz Team:
     Coach promises more huddle offense "because Jeff (Hostetler) likes it."
    Warren not running up to potential fear teammates.
     Flaming Dingoes:
     Pegram has ticklish knees and will not start.
    Vanover says he likes his ribs cooked this way, no question.
    Kramer will swivel his hips to that beat.
     Team 9:
     Collins not to play at SF because he giggles when his knees are tickled.
    Thigpen practicing on ham with string cheese.
     Team 10:
     Nuclear bomb dropped on Scorealotta. Alabama will never have to worry about that Nasty Toe Fungus, or much of anything else, ever again.

     OWNER COMMENTS (Where Trash Talk Rules): Week 3
    Team 1:
     I'm going to make Brett play without his glasses if he does that again.
    TANSTAAFL:
     No comment available, visitors are not allowed.
    The Florida Fuego:
     I'm so damn upset about this false team schedule that I can't think straight, Anybody seen Dave?
    Pocono Pounders:
     No amount of political pressure will let me beat our beloved commish.
    Dominant X's:
     ??????????????just said something really bad about you.
    Temporary Terminators:
     This guys trying to buy a whole new team.
    Americaz Team:
     Shhhhh!, here comes somebody.
    Flaming Dingoes:
     Shhhhh!, here comes somebody.
    Team 9:
     I don't need glasses, I need a quarterback.
    Weakly Average:
     Please Mr Bank loan officer, I really want this Ostrich farm.

    THE EDITOR
    Is really ticked off because of, as he describes it, "That ##$%^* Reporter".
    Editors Note: Our publishing costs have been rising dramatically due to an unwise deal with the chairman and the increasing need for a pension fund for our aging reporters. We are forced by these deteriorating economic conditions to double our subscription rate. It was either that or stand on street corners and beg for contributions from our erudite readership.
    Editors Note: All guesses as to questions presented in each issue must be in by 4pm each Thursday as this is when we roll the presses, steal all their money, and head out to Divas. Winners will be announced on Fridays by the expedient of allowing all team owners to read this august publication, its up to the winners themselves to see about rolling The Editor for his prize money. ONLY The Joez Second Child Treasure Hunt question will be continued from issue to issue.
    Editors Note: All answers to the clues in The Joez Second Child Treasure Hunt are on file in our Funk-N-Wagnel mayonnaise jar guarded 24 hours a day by our team of crack specialists hired for this purpose by Brett Favre. Anyone who wishes to verify the truth of our claims will be welcomed enthusiastically at their location by an overly friendly consulting group which has been brought in by Mike G. for just this purpose.
    Editors RumorMonger Clues:
  • Joez second child's name is NOT in the original paragraph about his family.
  • The key in the first issue has to do with women only.
  • There is a second key in this issue.
    • Editors General Clue: The less the money, The easier to find the answer.

    EDITOR:
     BIFF!, BOPP! and HOLY POW! Postman, There isA letter to the editor this week.
    Dear Editor,
    Rule changes in the FFL
    I am pleased to see such exuberance on the part of the owners to vote eagerly when there is a rule change proposal. However, claims of the commish trying to influence the vote for his own gain are unsubstantiated, unfounded and unAMERICANZ!
    The rule in question was in regard to tie breaking and the only reason the vote was called for was because the software does not handle ties the way the league had originally intended. For ease of operation was the only reason a vote was asked. It should be noted that the vote was called for by none other than Flaming Dingoes owner JJ DeFalco even though he had clearly won the tie with the existing system and faced a loss should the league have unanimously voted to go with the software system. A true sportsman in every sense of the word. Kudos to you JJ. In response to the statement of the commish having picked out the software and laid down the rules without checking. It should be noted that said commish, a kindly and handsome gentleman, had found software that did not cost the league anything extra. He has done his best to keep costs down while maximizing the fun and prize money. I know for a fact that even now he is in negotiations with Nike to sponsor a team in the league for $20 million.
    Having said that, I think its time we show the commish our appreciation for his efforts and send him to Diva's with the remaining league cash balance.
    Paul Nelson
    Owner, Americaz Team
    Any future letters may be sent to the editor at:
  • [email protected]
  • [email protected]
  • > this cc:mail thing to marrocco, joseph
  • or verbally (don't worry I usually get it wrong)<
    • All letters to the editor will be printed verbatim unless the editor finds that he is playing you in next weeks game.

    STUFF:
     PHONE CARDS: Get these UnOfficial FFL phone cards embossed with your team name and logo for only $36 (an incredible 10 minutes of long distance noncalling, buy now).
    TEAM LOGOS: Choose from our exclusive portfolio of available & eagerly willing Logos, now free to make their own choices.

    (The following Logos are currently in negotiations)
    [buncha pics go here]Team 1 (who else?)
    [buncha pics go here]Pocono Pounders
    [buncha pics go here]Dominant X's
    [buncha pics go here]Team 6
    [buncha pics go here]Americaz Team
    [buncha pics go here]Flaming Dingoes
    [buncha pics go here]Team 9
    [buncha pics go here]Weakly Average
    (all Logos are consenting adults, and many more are ready to negotiate)

    Web Designers note - all the previous "buncha pics" pictures (as well as many previous ones) are in MS Word format and cannot be uploaded!
    Thanks, Microsoft!
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