THAT REPORTER
The Possum Adventure Continues
That Reporter - from somewhere in the Caribbean.
After leaving our Latin amigos from Cuba, we head due northwest hoping to make land somewhere around the Mississippi Delta and back towards Alabammy, which was our original destination. Cuban intelligence had shown me an ad from the Mobile Monitor for the following: 'Dog Found, No Tags, Wearing Tattoo "Franklin"'. Since Billy-Bob had given me a full description of our mutt, I figured this must be the scar he got from backin' into the woodburning stove after drinking too much corn squeezin's.
Since our gas ran our earlier today, we've been under wind power using a sail of plastic shopping bags held together with duct tape. (Thanks, Billy-Bob, for the duct tape. It's the Universal Fixin' Solution). Livin' on anchovies, seaweed, squid and baked beans is getting pretty monotonous. Hope we sight land soon. Looks like a shrimp boat up ahead beyond the oil slick. Maybe that's even an oil rig in the distance. Must be near coastal waters by now! Is that a cloud bank or possibly land? Shutting down now to save battery power. Will report as soon as further events develop.
next week - Land, Sweet Land, or Where's Brett Favre's Bar & Grill?
THEM OTHER REPORTERS
The Boner of the Week
By CYCHA Reporter
The Boner of the Week is awarded to Keiths for his incredible bad choice of Elway who had ZERO points, even though the game went into overtime. Also, the receivers he played scored ZERO also but his backups did better.
Runner-ups go to UB Rednecks for starting Johnny Morton who was on a bye week and STILL sharing high score!
Cowardly Yellow Chicken-hearted Anonymous Reporter
Movin' on Up
By Connie
Lizzzards Now First
By Darlene
The Lizzzards are now first (in Division 2) after beating up on the Vipers and after the Dingos reach waaaaay back and bury the Culture. Kudos also to UB Rednecks for disposing of Slashers. Rachel and I are CHEERING for the Lizzzards so maybe Dave will not watch so much hockey.
Dave says 'Yeah, right!'
Exposed! UB Rednecks are imposters!
By Chris
Oct 23: Inquiring reporter searching thru BMS personnel files finds that Billy-Bob's address is on MANOR DRIVE!
Oct 24: When informed of this, Billy-Bob's response was: 'U know I kant reed strete sines'
Oct 25: Herald's mobile unit is sent to UB country to verify story
Oct 26: Mobile unit stops at local hangout to jawbone with locals and to watch the games on bar tv. Locals verify that he's on Manor Drive. Van gets stuck in mud.
Oct 27: When questioned again, Billy-Bob claims it's a dirt road. Tractor pulls mobile unit out of mud.
Oct 28: Locals inform mobile unit that Billy-Bob's spread is 'yonder over them hills'. Hmmm - ok.
Oct 29: Billy-Bob's lightning-struck trailer spotted in distance. Putting planks over the gulley in order to get over there.
Oct 30: Just in time for the presses:
Located the faded street sign and inspect it closely. It reads "Manure Drive"!
UBs cheered
By Sylvia
Dad, stop flirting with the babysitter and burp me, dammit! Oh, go have a smoke!
Rimma's Place
Rimma's spacecraft has left Mars and is headed back towards earth. Here is the latest message from her:
"Moscow Control, Moscow Control, Krull Computer Files Downloaded. Core of Planet Will Soon Explode so Must Return Now. Leslie Nielsen has been transported back to Hollywood for Lame-o Capitalist Comedy Movie.
Cosmonaut Rimma out."
Rimma's History Corner
The following is considered by experts to be the peak, the acme, the high tide mark, the creme de la creme of Rimma's Place:
THE TRUTH ABOUT HALLOWEEN
You don't remember, but we were the first peoples to acknowledge all hallows eve. We reject your stupid attempt to circumvent the destiny that precedes the four horsemen. We (the Russian Peoples) do not agree with your (stupid American) customs of glorifying the fates. Here is my tale of fate and three sisters:
Once there was a girl with bloody hands, she cried aloud that she had killed a postal worker. Persephone quickly soothed her sorrow by telling her the horror of salesmen. Tisiphone agitated everybody with a purity of thought that quickly became pass�'. Megeara was horrified. Megeara cried, " NO!@"
TisBit said "YES#". Soon the girl with bloody hands was dead and only her memory remained.
Her memory of the three sisters known as ?, polluted all of time and space. Her memory haunts us to this day.
She is the three-in-one, who is the joke yet to be spoken, the ghost that plagues our lives.
I see you do not believe. Let me show you the face of our(Russian) demon:
AND, NOW,Rimma's Place Halloween Hijinx (A Russian Introspective)
Please Note, TA = Traditional American, / OR = Orthodox Russian
TA - Light on fire a bag of dog doody, ring the bell, and,
1. hope someone answers, stomps on it, and doesn't catch you watching.
OR - Light on fire a bag of sobaka doody and fling it to the commissars roof and,
1. run like hell.
TA - Get several rolls of toilet paper and,
1. TP the trees.
2. TP the neighbors house.
OR - Get several rolls of toilet paper and,
1. Bring one home so the whole family can finally TP their butts.
2. Sell the rest on the black market.
TA - Get a carton of eggs and,
1. Break them by throwing them at unmoving cars.
2. Break them by throwing them at moving cars.
3. Hard boil them and break house windows.
OR - Get a carton of eggs and,
1. Break them and make an omelet for breakfast.
2. Hard boil them and break the commissars windows, then run hell-bent away from the automatic gunfire.
3. Trade them on the black market for TP.
TA - Get a bar of soap and,
1. Smear it completely over car windows.
2. Bite off a piece and spray soap bubbles.
2a. Tell your parents it was Brett Favre who put drugs in your candy that made you sick.
OR - Get a bar of soap and,
1. Smear it completely over your body to get that pinko commie stench off.
2. Trade it on the black market for eggs which you can then trade for TP.
2a. Tell the Commissar that it was your children's fault and then thrash them soundly in public.
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?
The Regal Beagle Belvedere Dukakis Thriller Lost in the US Government Storage Warehouse Elvis Bill Bixby or Lou Ferrigno Coach (NOT Craig T Nelson) The Waitresses Charlie Sheen and some other guys ? A silver Porsche Dr. Huxtable Martika Men at Work Lamont ? ? ? |
Heard about the league..
by Eva, Nikki, & Sylvia
Now, what I heard going around the league was..
UB Rednecks:
New theme song 'Bad Moon Rising'!
Big Galoots:
Watch for big lineup shakeup next week! Contracts will be rewritten! Heads will roll!
Angry Amoebas:
How exactly does an amoeba 'stumble'???
Vipers:
Vampire Vipers come out on Halloween!
Dingos:
Oh, yeah, NOW maybe I can start the trash talk again!
Lizzzards:
Brett & Napoleon really outdid themselves, wouldn't you say, Bob?
America's Team:
Bledsoe just had 9 points. Oh, yeah, that's 9 more than ELWAY! HA HA HA!
Legends:
Terrell Davis, Bam Morris, Mark Brunell. I'm thinkin' so hard as to who is the best.
Pocono Pounders:
Of course this was one of my better scores. That's why I played the #1 team.
Culture Shock:
We're cookin' up another 'L' for the Galoots!
Slashers:Terminators:
Could this be a winning STREAK???
Sincerely,
Anonymous reporter
THE GAMES: Week 9
Stats are correct again except for Keith's because of a 'search all' sequencing error in the Stats Table.
This week's results (bullet denotes correct guess - er - prediction):
| * | Amoebas slimed by Terminators | Terminators 42, Amoebas 27 |
| Galoots railroad Americas Team | Americas Team 42, Galoots 39 | |
| * | Legends roll, flatten Pounders | Legends 65, Pounders 42 |
| * | Dingos choke the Culture, but... | Dingos 74, Culture 60 |
| * | Rednecks dull the Slashers | Rednecks 74, Slashers 37 |
| Vipers over Lizzzards by a snake-eye (1 point) | Lizzzards 53, Vipers 35 |
| Lizzzards lick Amoebas |
| Galoots lasso Culture |
| Terminators make surprise ending to Legends movie |
| Pounders win election over Americas Team |
| Dingos' treat is Slashers' trick |
| Rednecks use Vipers for bolo necktie |
| odds that these picks are correct: 0 to 0 |
OWNER COMMENTS (Where
Trash Talk Rules): Week 9
From the UB Rednecks last week:
Week #9 UB Redneck lineup QB Warren (Should do better than Blake) Moon RB Emmitt (Nobody wants me so I'll show them) Smith Antwian (Thomas is an "OLD FART") Smith WR Tim (Big Week # 9) Brown Johnnie (Guaranteed 6 points) Morton TE Troy (Big disappointment) Drayton K Jason (I'll get the points this week) Elam D Pittsburgh (De FENCE)
I hope, all these guys are playing. If not please let me know, so I can change my lineup before Sunday. Thanks, May the best Redneck WIN..!!
From the UB Rednecks on Monday Morning:
I'm new in Fantasy Football and can be a little stupid sometimes, but I'm somewhat disappointed that nobody told me that Johnie Morton had a bye week.
Plus I'm having a little trouble counting past 9 (you know, the tractor took my thumb last harvest). How do you calculate 5 TD's plus 409 yards. Is it 5 + 6 + 7 or (5 x 6) + 7?
Thanks for your help!
Billy-Bob
From the Slashers:
don't worry chubby, you beat us with your qb alone. i can take my medicine like a big boy. oh yeah, paul, you're not going to see any that add/drop money we owe. da da da...
From the Commish:
$25 is a lot of money. Dont make me send Olaf over there.
From the Dingos:
Matt,
Use this conversion table to determine the fee paid:
Owe Fine $25 broken leg (compound fracture) $20 broken leg (hairline fracture) $15 4 broken fingers $10 3 broken fingers $5 2 broken fingers $0 Coke and a smile
From the Galoots:
And $1.00 for just a slap upside the haid!
From the Galoots to Americas Team on Monday morning:
Paul, This is getting to be a bad habit, but I'm (almost) willing to concede after adding up the scores.
This is what I came up with:
Bledsoe ? Elway the Dud 0 George 3 Way 15 Bettis 9 Levens ? Freeman ? Emanuel 0 Alexander 6 Reed0 Green 0 Sharpe 0 Cunningham 12 Hollis 5 MIIN++ 2 STLLL 1 ------------------- -------------------- 33 21
Looks like I got more goose eggs than u.
You will notice Kordell Stewart got 18+5 points, and if I used him instead you would be crying instead of MEEEEEEE (wah,wah, wah).
Think your guys will get shut out and Levens gets 13 pints???
ed note - Levens in fact got 15 points, but Bledsoe got 9!
From Americas Team:
Stl had 8 points not 1. Thats what I got. I have it 33-28. Dont concede yet. HOPE.
From the Galoots:
REALLY???!!! - oh, come on, you're just teasing...My newspaper shows KC had 1 sack, no ints, 1 fumble (recovered) - are you looking at STL's turnovers?? (4 sacked, 3 fumbles lost, 1 int) But I'll gladly take the pints!!!
From Americas Team:
Opps! You are right! I was mistaken. I admit when I am wrong. You have 21 points not 28. I have 33 so far.
From the Galoots:
NO NO NO - you gave me those points - WAAAAHHHH! MOMMMMYYYYY!!!!
Lil' crybaby Galoot (ask Bob)
From Americas Team:
Crying doesnt solve anything anything but ruining your mascara. Ask Matt.
ed note - no response from Matt but he was heard singing his new song...
The Editorial staff strongly recommend, that you submit your comments on time..!!
Don't ask me what time that is ..... YOU @#%@@..... Just make sure to be on time.
There, now U know !!THE EDITOR
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