The FFL Herald Vol 2.2 09/3/97
The Voice Of Unreason
Owned and Operated under
the Joint Auspices of the UB REDNECKS/BIG GALOOTS Franchises
(Week #1)
<--Our
freshly preserved reporters practicing CYA
-->
THIS
REPORTER:
Disaster Strikes!
THIS REPORTER this week is Keiths who is substituting for Csaba who's got them lonesome hillbilly blues.
While Csaba was merrily and uncreatively editing this edition, unbeknownst to him, an
electrostatic storm was approaching his trailer (they seek them out, you know). At precisely
the moment when he was to SAVE the copy, the sneaky electrons entered the system via the modem
and, quote, 'fried the modem and video more than them pork rinds I is so fond of'.
THIS REPORTER asked Csaba, 'What are your feelings about this?' amd was promptly punched
in the nose. (yeah!). After settling down and a few six-packs and smokes later, Csaba explained, 'Pass the
pretzels, ya moron - yeah, well, I may have lost my pc, my wife may not be talking with me, the
baby's all a-moanin', and that son-of-a-b from Evansville won't leave me alone, but at least I got me my
dog Boo at my side', upon which the canine up and shot out the door after hearing an OH-possum call nearby.
Still haven't seen hide nor hair of the stupid mutt.
Csaba concluded with 'Just gotta win next week's high score so I can replace my dejingilator module' with
a gleam in his eye and smiling knowingly.
THAT REPORTER
That reporter (##@% "Oh..! Great Cugly..Mugly %@##) has been assigned
to the Lost and Found pages. Oh, Boo, where are you? (Your choice of accompaniment of the Lassie theme or
Scooby Doo theme).
THEM OTHER REPORTERS
It's Official
By Arial
Logo-mania! We got logos from the Slashers and the Legends of the Fall and Culture Shock
and the Lizzzards. Anybody got a logo of an Angry Amoeba out there?
Controversy Averted
By Arial
Late breaking news item. Mike S with his eagle-eyed (no, not the Eagles with that Ty guy)
inspection of the stats discovered that Tim Brown scored 25 points and that the maximum possible was
only 24 (3 TDs plus 6 maximum for yardage). Before a posse could be rounded up we located the
REVISED scoring rules which show 7 points maximum for yardage (see the Commish's Email with the
attached files entitled 'Stuff by Mail'). Dave M quickly did the math and observed 'Gee, that one guy
almost scored as much as the Galoots or Vipers whole team' at which point Keiths said 'come on guys,
get out of here, I got work to do'.
Hey! We Got Leagues
By Chris M, our name dropper (oops - name picker)
Yes, we have no bananas, but we got leagues. The Blood and the Sweat (who decided on these
names anyway?).
Blood:
Amoebas, Galoots, Legends, Poundres, Americas Team, Terminators
Sweat:
Culture, Lizzzards, Slashers, Vipers, Dingos, Rednecks
Important note - these league names have ABSOLUTELY no relevance until the playoffs (Boo says
they do, but he's nothin' but a hound dog!)
Joez exiled to Deep South
By Dave M
He comes from Alabama with a TANSTAAFL on his knee...
UBs cheered
By Sylvia
Da-Da yaah! Waaah!
THIS YEAR'S FFL TEAMS, OWNERS, NAMES and LOGOS
( In Draft order )
| [01] | Dave Mc. | "Levittown Lizzzards" |  |
| [02] | Paul N. | "America's Team" |  |
| [03] | Keiths | "Big Galoots" |  |
| [04] | Bob K./Ray D. | "Vipers" |  |
| [05] | Mike S. | "Legends of the Fall" |  |
| [06] | Matt C. & Bob W. | Depends on Connie
(actually: Slashers) |  |
| [07] | Sean | "Angry Amoebas" |  |
| [08] | Ernie F. | "Pocono Pounders" (again) |  |
| [09] | Mike G. | "THE TERMINATORS"
(also again) |  |
| [10] | Gus V./Ellen D. | "Culture Shock" |  |
| [11] | John D. | "Flaming Dingos" |  |
| [12] | Csaba L. | "U.B. Rednecks" |  |
Rimma's Place 
You crazy football guys! Why you want to spendz all your times with silly games?
THE RUMORMONGER:
X Marks the Spot by Kristin
Whilst rummaging around in the abyss known as 'the office', we have uncovered a possible 'Treasure
map'. It's got directions to Eatontown and there's a big 'X' about 4 blocks south of the Main Street
Blockbuster store. Upon closer examination and consultation with Willem von Helsing the
vampire/cartography expert, he stated 'Das 'X' Marks der Spot of der Evil Undead. Only stake unter der
hertz vill bring peace'. We at the Herald have translated this foreign gobbeldygook to mean: the
commish is no longer keeping all that pizza money in the coffee can. It's now in Last of the
Mohicans book - no wait, it's in Paul's sock drawer in his arugulas (sic - probably argyles). No, wait, it's
in Dracula's coffin. No, wait, it's in the mad Hungarian Redneck's monster truck.
Anyway, dear readers, that's all the clues for this week. Stay tuned for further developments.
Quote of the Week by Kathryn
'Bla-du-bla-du-bla-du. FEE-FOH!
I need to go potty! (probably paraphrased from our beloved Commish's 'I gotta go pee' line).
Heard about the league.. by Julia & Sylvia
Now, what I heard going around the league was..
Galoots:
John Elway declared - I haven't scored this week but at least the Broncos won. You see, my squinty
tamales were bothering me.
UB Rednecks:
Emmitt Smith stated - sure I didn't do squat this week. Why should I? I lasted till the 12th pick!
Csaba says a spanking is in order for his uppity RB.
Angry Amoebas:
Jerry Rice could be heard as he was carried out - Damn that hurts - well, see ya next year I hope.
Vipers:
Ty Detmer and Troy Aikman were duking it out in the parking lot. Owner Bob K. has shown his true
colors (Eagles green) and was taunted mercilessly by the other owners.
Dingos:
Jeff George & Neil O'Donnell sure made me look good just like Vinny T did for me last year.
Lizzards:
C'mon Brett - you're on my logo. (pleeeez don't let me go oh-and-two next week).
America's Team:
I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy (probably referring to Drew Bledsoe of New England Patriots).
Legends:
Looks like my 'nicknames' letter fired up my team.
Pocono Pounders:
What a difference a year makes! Gooo Tiki!
Now I have TWO teams to give me politically correct wins!
Culture Shock:
#!^%%%&@#!$@! - Steve Young got smacked upside the haid again!
Slashers:
We're not making any statements until we discuss this amongst ourselves.
Terminators:
Is Drew Bledsoe available??? OK, OK, I'll take Dan Marino. What? Week 1 is over already?
Sincerely,
Anonymous reporter
THE LEADERS:
THE MATCHUPS: Week 2
{odds by Jimmy the Greek cricket, a happy to be here, dead bug}
odds that stats will be available next week: 2 to 3 with the trifecta paying $1,530.40
Amoebas will not invade Legends
Galoots shootout puts down Rednecks (because I have the computer now!)
Dingos just woof at Pounders
Americas Team stamps out Vipers
Slashers can't unplug Terminators
Culture Shlock unable to teach Lizzzards some Manners
odds that these picks are correct: 0 to 0
OWNER COMMENTS (Where
Trash Talk Rules): Week 1
Too many messages and too little time. Now let me go back to sleep.
THE EDITOR
the following message from our absentee editor:
This was one of the fresh from deVire articles, I wanted to put in.
Use it visly...!!
Billy-Bob
----------------------------- Forward Header ------------------------------
Subject: Pocono Pounders II
Author: CL at ~PGRSM26P
Date: 8/28/97 1:02 PM
Pocono Pounders Founder, Owner, GM, CEO, CFO, Trainer,
Doctor and all around GOFER (or is it golfer..??) but no longer coach Ernie F. had a not
too well advertised press conference promptly 11:00PM on Thursday 08/21/97, right after
the draft.
It has been noted, that Ernie appeared to be nervous all thru the draft,
chewing cheep cigars and frequently running to the phone. He was quiet, speaking only
when it was his turn to pick players. At each time he was hesitant, wanted to pick a
player, then he changed...and picked...someone other...than...BROWN.
Question...
WHY??...I demand to know why...?
Answer...
Well folks (Ernie always calls reporters folks, it seems to break the ice ...
or something like that), my children have been kidnapped by the evil fraction of the Pocono
Pounders fans. My wife wanted to call, but couldn't read the Eyetalian phone book to find
Matt's number. Luckily, I called home (as all good husband's should) to check in on my family,
while waiting for the draft to start. If Mike wasn't 45 minutes late, I don't know if I'd call and
I don't know what would of happened. I'm really grateful to Mike for saving my children's lives.
As a reward for his service to me and my family, I'll send him last year's Fantasy Schedules
for the following sports: Lacrosse, Waterpolo, Soccer, Teamhandball, Weightlifting (light and heavy
cream), Horseshoe and my personal favorite Beach Volleyball (Women's of course). Originally, I
wanted to send him Baseball, but he's got that. Thanks, Mike.
Question...
So, what are you going to do without Dave Brown...and all that money?
Answer...
We'll just have to go with Banks for now, anyway I'll go on vacation with the
leftover money, we'll deal with the problems, when I get back. My children are safe .. safe .. safe ..
NO MORE QUESTIONS..
AND ALSO..
AP&P News Service
Plainsboro NJ - It was with much fanfare that this seasons first starting lineups rolled
into League headquarters (formerly the Hall of Justice occupied by the Super Friends and Wonder Twins).
League officials from the commissioner to the League Janitor were heard cheering in the hallowed halls
of League headquarters. Among the cheers was a loud and joyous "hooo haaa" from Mrs. Kimble, the
leagues loyal coffee girl. At 97, Mrs. Kimble enters her 50th year as a League employee.
The League expansion has gone well and profits have reached new heights. Marketing has expanded into
table coasters and dominoes with team logos and names. New names have been chosen for old teams,
the Lizzzards, Legends of the Fall, and the as yet unnamed Team 9 among the changes.
The Commissioner has been spotted boat shopping of late, touting the increase in his salary for the
expenditure. While nothing definite was said, the issue of further expansion in the coming seasons was
not denied, but in response to the question, the commissioner spoke vaguely about a corvette.
The Commissioner also mumbled that the draft was executed quite well this year. The ambiance of the
Chiarolanzio household gave each owner comfort and joy. Joy was more than happy to oblige. He also
stated that the surprises were intriguing and looked forward to many easy victories this year.
Among the changes is the award for the winning team. Once made and christened it will be handed over
to the Terminators for keeping until the end of the season. The award will be affectionately known as
the 'Connie', so named for the person responsible for the warmth and sunshine in the Chiarolanzio
household because the League knows it certainly is not Matt.
Any future letters may be sent to the editor when his pc is fixed sometime this year at:
[email protected]
And soon at our new webpage at http\\www.lunatics.com
which is currently under negotiation.
STUFF:
Cyber Tips To Help You
win BIG 
Rimma says: DON'T SPEND ANY MORE $$$$$
Also, Running Back Philip Morris is still available to replace Ty Detmer
Web Designers note - most of the images on this page
are originally in MS Word format and cannot be uploaded directly!
Now I gotta print and scan, print and scan, print and scan...
Thanks, Microsoft!