The FFL Herald Vol 2.3      09/11/97
The Voice Of Unreason

THEM OTHER REPORTERS
Amoebas Ooze in with Logo     By Arial
        The Angry Amoebas sent us their logo this week. Reportedly it was delayed by the UPS mess. We suggest a REALLY angry look and having the organism passing the football, but overall the response was "Neat-o, Cool, Weird, Huh?!"

Legends R Us     By Chris
        Mike S of the Legends of the Fall has requested to have his team moved to the "easier league", as that league had only two winners in week #1. The Commish replied "Yes, this would be possible", but the fee involved would depend "on my pizza bill". Mike then demanded to know where the Herald got this information, but of course we refused to repeal our saucers.
        We at The Herald, upholding the highest standards of journalism (and smelling a really juicy scandal developing), intend to bring you the inside story on this blatant misuse of authority.

AND IN A LATE-BREAKING STORY from an anonymous freelance reporter:

got a little tidbit for the herald

stopped by to see our beloved commish, he and dave were sitting in pauls cube whisper, whisper, whisper. and then i walked in...Total silence and a 'what do you want look' is what i received! oh the add drops and advice was a flowing! Does that sound like collusion to you? I mean paul having access to all add/drops, etc. and sneaky dave sitting there taking in all that he could.

anonymous

UBs cheered     By Sylvia
        Da-Da yaah! Poopy!

New Feature Coming Soon     By Csaba
        It will be called "Dear Chubby". Now the bad news - it's on my home pc!

Atlantic Weather Report:
        Monserrat's Mount Soufriere a-rumbling as Hurricane Erika passes by. The nearby islands just made hushed remarks among themselves...

Fish Aid Update     By Keiths
        Anyone lost overboard this weekend on our Fish Aid expedition will automatically forfeit all remaining games or will have to take Ty Detmer!

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Rimma's Place 
Hey Dave & Sean - why you changing players already?
And Matt, you changing team like CRAZY!
What? (answer edited). That maked me SO mad! I'm gonna tell Joez. You're all gonna get it!

Rimma's History Corner           (her first appearance in the Herald)

A selected article from last year's Herald #2, since we are running out of ideas:

Editors note: Rimma P. has beaten out all comers as guest commentator, although Dogbert will fill in for her on by weeks, look here for her featured editorials. Award winning Rimma P. restated the commentary that won her this spot at the FFL Herald : "Don't look back!, Don't look back!, Don't look back!, Don't look back!. - . Walk along with me to the next bend!. - . ooooh oohhoo weee, wild night is callin. -. com-on-out-n-dance. -. ooooh oohoo wee. - . I don't want to get caught up in that funky @%$# goin down in the city. Last all Last all summer long. -. If the summer change to winter yours is no disgrace.

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TRIVIA CHALLENGE:

True or Falls

  A - The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the 'American Pie'.

  B - Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

  C - Greenbay will go 16-0 this year.

  Submit answers by Sunday night.

"Purely Subjective and Sure to be Controversial Ratings of the Week" (tm):
look for one of your players here!

Most overrated player: Brett Favre (sorry, Dave)     Runner-up: Emmitt

Most underrated player: Richie Cunningham     Runners-up: Tiki Barber & that new Jacksonville QB

Question for our readers: Where would you put Dave Brown and Ty Detmer?

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THE RUMORMONGER:

A Real Rumor     by Mike G.

Csaba has been trash talking to us that if he wins, the UB in his team's name will stand for "unbeatable".
Word is, however, that he will turn out to be "unbearable".

X Marks the Spot     by Kristin
        An unexpected arrival this week: The Harriet the Spy flashlight which Daddy sent away for "six to eight weeks" ago. "$2.00 postage and handling" - he even forgot about it. While using this SOFTA device (that's State of the Art for you who weren't here last year), we observed that the X on the treasure map is actually a peanut butter stain, so last week's clues are meaningless. That's not to say, of course that this week's will be any different.
        Anyway, while holding up the map to the light it revealed a watermark in the shape of Paul's face (THAT's a scary thought). This led us to think that the map is genuine. Our latest look at the map now shows that:
        1. The bridge on Old Trenton Road between East Windsor and Cranbury is "supposedly" broken and is being repaired. This may be a clever deception by those depositing ill-gotten treasure to keep the public away from the area. Paul, where were you on the night of the 22nd?
        2. There is an inordinate amount of construction activity and digging near Plainsboro High School on Maple Avenue. This is VERY close to Matt's house. Coincidence????
        3. If, in fact, the bridge is really broken, did the Hungarian Redneck's Monster Truck have anything to do with it?
        OK, gotta go now, my Daddy says I have to share this flashlight with my little sister and here she comes now!


Quote of the Week     by Kathryn
'KRISTIN! I WANT THAT FLASHLIGHT! GIVE IT TO ME! IT'S MINE!
(hits sister and cries when she doesn't get it, then goes in time out).

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Heard about the league..     by Julia & Sylvia
Now, what I heard going around the league was..
UB Rednecks:
Tim Brown, don't let me down! Blake, don't be a fake! Emmitt, don't gurgofurdem it! (that's a Hungarian word, if you don't believe me, ask Sylvia)
Big Galoots:
Elway is now in fine form! Better than those inexperienced QBs like Detmer.
Isn't Ty the name of Buster Brown's dog?
Angry Amoebas:
Jerry Rice are you really the San Francisco treat?
Vipers:
NOW who doesn't like TY? Too bad I played TROY. Oh, well, TY's point total was still too low anyway. Maybe next week.
Dingos:
Jeff or Neil? hmmmm - I think I'll pick the underperformer again - let me flip a coin.
Lizzzards:
Brett, don't LET me down (actually from Csaba's book of poetry).
or "Doctor, Doctor, don't tell me Favre has the Laroux virus!"
America's Team:
My boy Drew throws for 4 more this week! Dave sure must be jealous of me.
Legends:
I'll lose to make my league the easier one. (NOT!)
Pocono Pounders:
Tiki does it again. Now, NO MORE QUESTIONS!


Culture Shock:
Steve Young replaced by a Drunken miller? That's OK, we got ELVIS!
Slashers:
We deny all accusations and are add/dropping the entire team.
Terminators:
Tennessee? That's a college team!

For those of you who wonder what Sue Simmons of CBS and Craig T Nelson from Coach are doing now, here's some recent pix from Gepharts Bar and Grill:

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THE GAMES: Week 2
        Stats are delayed due to Mr. Pibb on the Keyboard. (Hey, Paul, who picked this FFL service anyway).
        Paul cleaned up the mess yesterday, so now the stats are here:

Amoebas	38	vs. Legends	51
Galoots	54	vs. Rednecks	36
Pounders	37	vs. Dingos	29
Americas Team	58*	vs. Vipers	39
Terminators	28	vs. Slashers	50
Culture Shock	50	vs. Lizzzards	38

* = weekly high score

This week's results (bullet denotes correct guess - er - prediction):
*        Legends squash Amoebas
*        Galoots shootout puts away Rednecks
*        Dingos just woof at Pounders
*        America's Team stamps out Vipers
X        Slashers can't unplug Terminators
X        Culture Shock unable to teach Lizzzards some Manners
        (Jiminy was 4 for 6)
Weekly high score goes to (drum roll please): Paul, our beloved Commish

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THE MATCHUPS: Week 2 {odds by Jimmy the Greek cricket, a happy to be here, dead bug}

odds that stats will be available next week: 2 to 3 with the trifecta paying $1,530.40

Angry Amoebas really get ticked and upset America's Team
Galoots round up Pounders
Legends just a myth to Rednecks
Dingos chase Terminators up a tree
Culture Shock zaps Viperzzzzzz
Lizzzards crawl all over Slashers, become "contenders"
odds that these picks are correct: 0 to 0

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OWNER COMMENTS (Where Trash Talk Rules): Week 2
Keith: Bob promised something but didn't follow through. Thanks, Bob.
Bob: Yes I did! Check this out:

Fellas...

Some interesting gossip would be how I called the Eagles an outright winner over the Creamcheese Heads!

As for my QB controversy....we have Ty 'still not sure if I'm still playing in High School or the Big Leagues' Detmer.
and
Troy 'I know I'll show up on Sundays that the Vipers don't play me, but play my girlfriend Detmer' Aikman

Then theres the potent defenses...MIAMI and SEATTLE.
Chad Brown...Seattles premier defender, vowed to change the teams defensive line and secondary...what I think he did was tell them..."Hi fellas...I'm Chad...and lets try trading positions and see how we fare..you 300lb+ lineman play safety and you two 150lb (soaking wet)- cornerbacks plaly on the offensive line...Oh and dont worry guys...the other team only snarls cause they like you"

...is it me or does both Miami and Seattle wear skirts on the field!

UnAssociated Press
AND ALSO:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Psychic hotline 1-900-GALOOTS predicts:

        Galoots 42
        Rednecks 40

and you heard it here first!

ps - Emmitt still won't produce! Elway throws for 4 TDs! Sharpe scores twice! I would tell you more, but the first minute is up.

        Galoot Press Central
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The Lockmaster SPOKE and nothing but a BIG winner came out...

as noted...Head Viper said "The Eagles will beat the World Champion Cheeseheads" OUTRIGHT!!! And they did just that.

Whattya think of that Mr Gull-Loot (gullible)!?

Nothing like spouting off and having some rookie place kicker shank a chip shot with 15 seconds to go....things that make you go HMMMMM.

Any other 5 star plays...call our Lock Line @ 1-900-2VIPERS...only $25 a call.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
You are not too far fro the truth, but I don't think the Rednecks got 40 points, unless Tim has a great day today.

For results call 1-900-F***-YOU
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I called the 1-900 line and the woman on the other end said Mrs. Csaba may I help you...........WHOA!!!!!!

Sorry Csaba...it looks like the Vipers dropped to 0-2 to the lowly Americuz Team!! UGHH!!
Rumors are flying all over Viper camp about possible trades.

We have some premier running backs...we're looking for a WR or QB??

Any interest...I may think about releasing Detmer cheap!!
The Editorial staff strongly recommend, that you submit your comments on time..!!
Don't ask me what time that is ..... YOU @#%@@ .....
Just make sure to be on time. There, now U know !!THE EDITOR

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the following message from our absentee editor:


Pocono Pounders Founder, Owner, GM, CEO, CFO, Trainer, Doctor and all around GOFER (or is it golfer..??) but no longer coach Ernie F. had a well advertised press conference promptly 11:00AM on Friday 09/05/97, right after the add/drop list was announced by our beloved Commish.

    "THERE ARE A FEW THINS I WANT TO TELL YOU" - screamed the owner, obviously mad as hell. "I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS GUY THINKS HE IS". Some of the Paparazzi had to stand back, he was so loud. "I DON'T CARE IF HIS NAME IS GAMBINO, HE CAN'T HAVE MY BROWN...IF WE CAN'T HAVE HIM, NOBODY CAN". By this time little white sliva appeared around his lips and was shaking from his anger. The Doctor approached him to take his coffee and measure his pulse. "GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FOOL" - yelled Ernie at the Doctor. "YOU SHOULD GET ALLEN READY TO PLAY NEXT WEEK". You see, he has been upset at the medical staff for not allowing Allen to play the last two weeks. "IF ALLEN IS NOT READY TO PLAY NEXT WEEK....YOU CAN FOLLOW THE STUPID COACH".

Ernie had a sip of water, that seem to settle his nerves, then continued the news conference. "Folks, (now that's the Ernie we love) I promise a velveta, or is it vendetta against the Slashers for taking Dave Brown. I'll have to wait 'till the 12th round, but they'll pay for sure." By this time Ernie was calm as the sea on a summer morning, he seemed to be on a mission. "Not to mention, that guy shot his load for the season in the first game, he will not produce for anybody, but us".

"No questions this time, I need more coffee".


Any future letters may be sent to the editor when his pc is fixed sometime this year at:
    [email protected]
And soon at our new webpage at http\\www.lunatics.com which is currently under negotiation.

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STUFF:

 Cyber Tips To Help You win BIG 

CHECK the injury report BEFORE making your lineup. (Gus)
The Eagles are too unreliable to predict what they'll do.
Looks like Bledsoe was THE pick. Sorry, Mike G, last year doesn't count.


Web Designers note - most of the images on this page are originally in MS Word format and cannot be uploaded directly!
Now I gotta print and scan, print and scan, print and scan...
Thanks, Microsoft!