The FFL Herald Vol 2.4 09/18/97
The Voice Of Unreason
Owned and Operated under
the Joint Auspices of the UB REDNECKS/BIG GALOOTS Franchises
(Week #3)
<--Our
creamy smooth reporters spread it on thick
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THIS
REPORTER
The Gospel According to Parcells
IN THE BEGINNING there was the Giants, and the team was without form, and was void. And Parcells looked down upon the team and stated "Let there be victories". And he saw that it was good. And he said "Let there be a defense". And Lawrence Taylor appeared and sacked many unbelieving quarterbacks. And there was the Superbowl, and the glory, and the product endorsements, and the multi-year contracts. And so ended the first day.
But, yea, the team grew old and spoiled, and LT failed the drug test, and there was a pestilence upon the land. And the Cowboys and 49ers rose to glory and usurped the rightful title. And so ended the second day.
And so it came to pass that Parcells left the promised land and found a new promised land called New England. The air was clean and unspoiled (as were the players) and it was likened to a Garden of Eden. The unbelievers scoffed and mocked Parcells, but it was for naught. This New England team shall be called Patriots, since we don't really know what state they are in (just like the Giants! - ed).
The leader of this team is the mighty Bledsoe. He shall conquer the Philly Philistines, and the Miami Sea Behemoths. The Giants shall fall, and all the creatures of the land shall be subservient to him (Cardinals, Jaguars, Panthers, Rams, Bears, Lions, Seahawks, Chargers, Broncos, etc. - you get the idea - ed).
Then there came from the north a mighty king from the cheese country by the name of Favre. His team was the Packers from a desolate tundra called Green Bay. Alas, the Patriots had finally met their match. The final battle was not at Armageddon, but at New Orleans in a place called Superbowl XXXII. When it was over there was much wailing and whining and settling of bets. And so ended the third day.
As the team fled New Orleans, there was much name-calling and finger-pointing. Parcells saw these sinful behaviors and cried "Fie to thee, oh faithless team! I shall flee to another new team who shall truly believe. I shall also be known to all who believe by the holy name: TUNA". And so Parcells returned to his previous land of the NY/NJ metropolitan area and abided in the land of the Jets. And so ended the fourth day.
"This new team the Jets pleaseth me, for it is without wins and needeth a coach. The money's not bad either". And Parcells began his reign over the Jets. But there were ominous rumblings of another battle, a battle with the Patriots and that Judas (Bledsoe) who had betrayed his master (note - this phrase was probably added by an over-zealous Parcells fan). Though the odds were against them (7 � points), the Jets fought valiantly. The new leader O'Donnell completed many passes that day and the defense sackethed Bledsoe to put the game into overtime. Even though the final field goal defeated the loyal Jets, Parcells issued a statement from on high: "We're no worse than the Giants this year, and much improved over last year". This is the faith that carries us forward into the season. Amen.
THAT REPORTER
The Possum Adventure Continues...
That reporter has been directed toward the Deep South and is now "Alabammy Bound". An anonymous tip from an anonymous e-mail (from Matt) has hinted (whisper, whisper) that all possums belong in true Redneck Country. Since Csaba has absolutely NO political connections to the White House we can rule out Arkansas and since it's too hard to spell Mississippi we are left with Alabama and Georgia. Being that Alabama is the more backwards of the two, we feel that Boo would be more at home there and is probably snoozing in some local bar.
That reporter has disguised himself so as to not look like a yankee (overalls, t-shirt, Confederate flag baseball cap, unshaven, and with a pack of Marlboro's in his shirt sleeve), and is investigating a joint outside of Birmingham named "Joez Place" (see where this is leading?). Details are expected soon.
THEM OTHER REPORTERS
The Voyage of the Pequod
By Capt Vince and Owen
CALL ME BOB. I ended this journey as I began in the village of New Bedford, Massachusetts (actually Belmar, NJ). The ship we were on, the Pequod (the Eileen), departed out of Belmar in search of the great Moby Grape. Already before the adventure began three of our crew were unaccounted for and were suspected to be victims of the great monster. Our hold was full of bluefish, weakfish, sea bass, and fluke, but Captain Paul 'Ahab' N. would not stop. There was a scene where he hammered a parkway token into the mast and we all held out our reels into St. Elmo's fire. "Death to the White Whale!" we shouted. There was also in our crew Scott 'Starbuck' H. and Bob 'Queequeg' W. (from an isle in the south seas). As we chased the monster up and down the Jersey coast we finally caught up to him. The longboats were launched! Starbuck's longboat was smashed to splinters by the great sea creature's tail, and Ahab leapt aboard the whale. "With my last breath, I stabbeth thee!" he exclaimed as the great fish went under. When he surfaced the crew remarked "He beckons us!" and all followed to their doom as the ship by now had to return to Belmar by 3 pm. I myself was the only survivor, floating for three days on poor Queequeg's cooler. And that is the story of the great Moby Grape.
Bob "Ishmael" K.
Amoebas Beat Commish
By Arial
The Angry Amoebas must have been really angry this week, as they did the politically
incorrect thing by beating the Commish's Americas Team
Galoots Over Pounders
By Chris
The Galoots, with a great week by "Old Man" Elway, also are politically incorrect
by beating their manager Ernie of the Pounders
Lizzzards "crush" Slashers
By Keiths
The Lizzzards finally get a win and "crush" the Slashers, according to manager Dave.
He says "everyone on my team produced this week. If I picked my starters better I could have had
over 100 points". "However, I refuse to trash talk after where it got me last year" (Dave denies this
last statement).
UBs cheered
By Sylvia
Hey, Dad, change my diaper already!
Rimma's Place 
Hey everyone, we just moved into our new house.
Everyone's invited over for vodka and caviar!
Rimma's History Corner:
A selected article from last year's Herald #4, since we are still running out of ideas.
Rimma's Place Will continue as planned.
The workers revolt went exactly as planned, thank you ALL for your participation. I have been placed in a position of authority that I did not want, YET will I serve. I, like you, have been oppressed for far to long. I will do my duty and see that all is Well among my subjects.
TRIVIA CHALLENGE: 
Hmmm...
True or Falls
A - The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the 'American Pie'. - true
B - Non-dairy creamer is flammable. - true
C - Greenbay will go 16-0 this year. - Of course not, didn't you see the game?
this week
Multiple choice
1. Which animal can live for the longest time without water?
A. Camel B. Rat C. Boo
2. How many people in the U.S. possess 80% of the money?
A. 249 B. 6 C. 1 Bill Gates
3. When is Billy-Bob's Pc gona get fixed?
A. Never B. Next Week C. When he can su somebody
Next week: "SPY TV"
REDNECK GLOSSARY
Being an American redneck, programmer originally from Hungary, created some interesting terms we use around the trailer. Please refer to the following dictionary when coming to visit Upper Black Eddy.
Hard drive
Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
Keyboard
Place to hang your truck keys.
Window
Place in the truck to hang your guns.
Modem
How you got rid of your dandelions.
ROM
Delicious when you mix it with Coca-Cola
Byte
First word in a kiss-off phrase
Reboot
What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
Network
Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line.
Mouse
Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
LAN
To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
Cursor
What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
Bit
A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
Digital sound
What your fingers do on the TV remote.
Packet
What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
"Purely Subjective and Sure to be Controversial Ratings of the Week" (tm):
look for one of your players here!
Most overrated player: Dan Marino Runner-up: Troy Aikman and still Emmitt Smith
Most underrated player: Kerry Collins (for recovering enough to play) Runner-up: Steve Young
THE RUMORMONGER:
X Marks the Spot
by Kristin
Since I am now on the "Poland" soccer team I have noticed strange markings on the soccer field. Perhaps one of these will show me the way to the jackpot. Now that I'm back home I think I'll have a Milano cookie or two and have a shower 'cause I'm all sweaty. I love that Milano commercial. Who ate the cookies? Was it the son, the baby, or the plumber? (NO - it was ME! I ate them! HAHAHAHAHAHA!)
Quote of the Week
by Kathryn
"Dad, I want to jump on the bed. I don't want a bath now".
Heard about the league..
by Julia & Sylvia
Now, what I heard going around the league was..
UB Rednecks:
Anyone got a spare quarterback? Boo's gonna chase Tiki off the field!
Big Galoots:
Elway keeps getting better. 5td's next week???
Angry Amoebas:
We're really oozing along now.
Vipers:
See last week's Ty vs. Troy comments, except reverse the names.
Dingos:
I'll bring Dave down to earth next week.
Lizzards:
I love my team now.
America's Team:
Ouch. It was so close.
Legends:
Still #1. I refuse to be beaten.
Pocono Pounders:
Tiki keeps scoring! Good thing I started him at the last minute.
Culture Shock:
Grbac souvenirs, 3 for a dollar. Who stole our logo?
Slashers:
Why did I ever pick Tony Martin?
Terminators:
It's time to terminate the Galoots.
Sincerely,
Anonymous reporter
THE GAMES: Week 3
Stats are messed up due to tequila on the Keyboard (they really are). (Hey, Paul, who picked this
FFL service anyway).
We don't have the exact scores 'cause Paul let us down.
This week's results (bullet denotes correct guess - er - prediction):
* Amoebas squish Americas Team
* Galoots run Pounders out of town
X Legends clobber Rednecks
X Terminators disconnect Dingos
* Culture Shock zaps Viperzzzzzz
* Lizzzards chop up Slashers
(Jiminy was 4 for 6)
Weekly high score goes to (drum roll please): Dave!
THE MATCHUPS: Week 4
{odds by Jimmy the Greek cricket, a happy to be here, dead bug}
odds that stats will be available next week: 99 to 1 with the trifecta paying $1,530.40
Angry Amoebas on a roll, slime the Culture
Terminators finish off Galoots win streak
Legends unbeaten streak broken by Americas Team
Pounders clobber Rednecks
Lizzzards chomped by Dingos
Vipers bite Slashers, send them to hospital
odds that these picks are correct: 0 to 0
OWNER COMMENTS (Where
Trash Talk Rules): Week 3
From the Dingos:
Is Csaba forming some sort of Hungarian Freedom for Stats counter movement to the current Paul as Dictator regime?
What's going on?
By the way, my allegiance to either side can be bought by giving me a shiny, new, fast Running Back.
From the Rednecks:
I'm just trying to help you out by providing you with the secret information, that I use to reach the UnBelievable Redneck high score of 9 (nine) points a game.
And from the Dingos:
Oh, by the way, there is an unwritten rule/poem that states:
"He who scores under ten gets to play next year agin".
Teams like that are easy (Carl?) pickins.
Conspiracy Theory:
I think the stat delay is just a plot to keep me from add/dropping my players.
The commish's spokesperson speaks:
Rusty Nale reporting from BMS FFL Headquarters.
This is Rusty Nale at BMS FFL Headquarters, but you already knew that. I'm nothing more than a good looking figurehead reading from a TelePrompTer. I have no talent except my looks and this makes all of you believe whatever I say, as long as I say it officially.
On that note, today at League headquarters it was announced that there is a delay in the delivery of "stats". Informed sources have said that "stats" is a code word for narcotics and other illegal activities. This has not been confirmed or denied by the commissioner.
League officials have said that the delay in "stats" is caused by external sources which are in the process of modifying the computer system. The latest on that is the current inability to install a new modem. Our informed sources have claimed that this is actually a code for not being able to agree on price over the phone.
Whatever the reason there are a lot of people waiting eagerly, almost too eagerly, for the "stats".
Rusty Nale, League Headquarters
The Editorial staff strongly recommend, that you submit your comments on time..!!
Don't ask me what time that is ..... YOU @#%@@ ..... Just make sure to be on time.
There, now U know !! THE EDITOR
the following message from our absentee editor:
From the Pounders Camp:
In a surprising move, and after Mr. Barber apologized to the entire staff, it was announced at 11:25 AM that Mr. Tiki Barber will start for the Pocono Pounders for week #3 afterall and going to the bench will be Mr. Thurman Thomas.
Mr. Thomas was seen leaving in a huff and looking for the coaching staff. The entire coaching staff was unavailable for questions.
Any future letters may be sent to the editor when his pc is fixed sometime this year at:
[email protected]
And soon at our new webpage at http\\www.lunatics.com
which is currently under negotiation.
STUFF:
Cyber Tips To Help You
win BIG 
Don't rely on any stats from PAS software
The Eagles are too unreliable to predict what they'll do(same advice as last week).
Don't forget the big party at Rimma's!
Our good ship's name, Eileen, does NOT refer to it's slight list to the port side.
Web Designers note - most of the images on this page
are originally in MS Word format and cannot be uploaded directly!
Now I gotta print and scan, print and scan, print and scan...
Thanks, Microsoft!