The FFL Herald Vol 2.5 09/25/97
The Voice Of Unreason
Owned and Operated under
the Joint Auspices of the UB REDNECKS/BIG GALOOTS Franchises
(Week #4)
<--Our
drug-crazed reporters are hallucinating again
-->
THIS REPORTER
The Ghost From the Past...
The ghost of last years STRIKE is lurking in the corner. The editorial staff of the Herald is burned out after only four weeks. The heel of their cowboy boots are wearing thin, going to the deep south and attending Ernie's press conferences.
The pay is as low as the morale, steaks are high (or I wish they were high, thick should I say). Readership is lame and nonresponsive. Letters aren't coming, trash talk (the juice of our existence) is slowing down.
Why are we sacrificing our time, energy, blood, sweat and tears, not to mention the health and good life of the girls? ... that reminds me ...Oh, screw it .... maybe next week.
Late breaking announcement: A source close to the Pounders has announced that TIKI will speak next week.
THAT REPORTER
The Possum Adventure Continues...
That Reporter - from somewhere on the tracks between Memphis and Baton Rouge.
It has been a "long strange trip" so far in search of Boo. First we boarded the Jersey Transit local in Jersey City (home of our famed Culture). After dusting off the soot (not smog), we settled down and relaxed while going southwards. Accidentally we transferred to the "Dinky" in Princeton junction, mistaking it for the Amtrak metroliner which we meant to take in Trenton.
After finally boarding the Amtrak train, we journeyed to Washington, DC. In Washington we saw the Smithsonian where enshrined for all posterity (after a little searching) we found last year's Herald editions as well as some pictures of Joe and his nonexistent family Arial, TSBTT, Farquar, and ?. Next to his PC terminal there were a pack of his smokes, a case of cheap brew, a brown bag with unknown substance, and a bronzed nasal spray bottle.
Continuing onward we passed Memphis where we visited Graceland, home of the Culture's new quarterback, Elvis. Funny, though, there was nothing about football there. Did you know he used to be a famous rock n roll musician?
Passing thru Arkansas some damn fool parked his pickup on the tracks and the previous freight train had derailed, spilling toxic chemicals in the reservoir. We say many rednecks helping themselves to the easy fishin' as all the fish were belly up!
Next week we will be looking for Hope Arkansas to find out the true scoop about the Clintons as we continue toward Alabammy and (hopefully) a rendezvous with Boo.
THEM OTHER REPORTERS
The Boner of the Week
By Anonymous
John De Falco earns the BONER OF THE WEEK AWARD. He drafts Tim Biakabatuka, then drops him before week two and then spends $5 to pickem up before week four.
Now he has two running backs in the same back field.
Will he spend another $5 before week #6 and pick up Mario Bates or Craig Heyward?
Since Bates got three TD's and Heyward got only one TD this past week, my bet is he opts for Bates. Funny both scored more than his starting QB. (ed. note - With only 1 point, who couldn't beat O'Donnell)
Cowardly Yellow Chicken-hearted Anonymous Reporter
Rednecks to Begin Rivalry with Pounders
By Arial
The rivalry begins! Ernie plays a hurting Thurman Thomas against Csaba's young rookie Antowain Smith (who hadn't scored yet) and Antowain scores 3 td's to Thurman's zero. Ernie could be seen angrily gesturing at Csaba whenever he dared to show his face. What further fallout is to come?
Lizzzards "crush" Dingos
By Keiths
The Lizzzards' Brett Favre finally shows what he is made of and the Dingos once again play the WRONG QB. Late word is that John has finally had it and is putting O'Donnell on the market so he will only have one QB to play. If Dave beats the Galoots this week, we may hear some boasting from him even though he has vowed not to indulge in any trash talk this year.
Another Scoring Controversy - Commish, Where Are You?
By Chris
The Amoebas stomping of the Culture this week would have been even worse had the TD scored by the Jacksonville defense been correctly credited to the defense instead of to the special teams. The owners are debating this issue and expect either a ruling from 'Der Commisar' in the Amoebas' favor or a terrible miscarriage of justice. We at the Herald hope that the Commish will do the right thing (hint, hint) and correct the score! The grand sum of $10.00 high score prize is at stake here and we don't want any senseless violence.
UBs cheered
By Sylvia
Hey, Dad, I want Magic Stroller Baby for Christmas!
Rimma's Place 
And now for a Russian song...
"Don't turn around, oh-wa-oh"
"The Commisar's in town, oh-wa-oh"
No, PAUL, I was NOT talking about you!
Rimma's History Corner:
Rimma's History Corner is on hiatus this week as she is helping in the mission to repair the ailing Mir space station.
May the force be with you, cosmonaut Rimma, and when you return to earth Yeltsin will give you some useless Russian award that you can sell on the black market.
TRIVIA CHALLENGE: 
Hmmm...
last weeks True or Falls
Multiple choice
1. Which animal can live for the longest time without water?
A. Camel B. Rat C. Boo
2. How many people in the U.S. possess 80% of the money?
A. 249 B. 6 C. 1 Bill Gates
3. When is Billy-Bob's Pc gona get fixed?
A. Never B. Next Week C. When he can su somebody
this week: "Spy TV"
Who were the stars of the 60's tv show "I Spy"?
On the comedy "Get Smart", what were the names of the two main
characters and who played them?
On "Get Smart", what security device never worked when he was
visiting the chief's office?
On "Get Smart", how did he make phone calls?
Name two spy series starring Patrick McGoohan.
Who were the two characters in The Man from UNCLE and who played them?
Who were the two characters in The Avengers and who played them?
What evil organization opposed UNCLE?
EXTRA CREDIT:
On "Get Smart", what was the name of his dimwit "robot" assistant?
On what TV show was the star of "Harriet the Spy" first seen?
Name the two Russian spies in Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Next week: "My Kids' Cartoons"
"Purely Subjective and Sure to be Controversial Ratings of the Week" (tm):
look for one of your players here!
Dud of the Week: Cole Ford (3 missed FGs, 1 missed extra pt, 1 blocked FG)
Runners-up: Emmitt Smith, The whole Giants offense.
Star of the Week: Brett Favre (33 pts) Runner-up: Mike Alstott
THE NEW AND IMPROVED RUMORMONGER:
Dedicated to the rumors and gossip that inquiring minds want to stick their noses into.
Legends of Fall on way to becoming true Legends - by ?
As week 4 comes to a close, the Legends are in first place and not looking back. While discussing this in the press room today, Csaba, Dave, and Keiths agreed that they were the team to beat. "Woe is me", said Keiths. "I am playing Mike in week 8 and Jake Reed and Dorsey Levens are both off that week. I might as well not even submit a lineup". "Just chalk it up as a loss right now", says Dave. "On the other hand", says Keiths, "he only has one kicker and one defense, so he might have to make some moves between now and then". Dave remarked, "He doesn't even need a kicker or defense with that team - look, Brunell returns 2 weeks early and now Bam Morris is also going to be playing! Some guys just step in it."
Csaba just said "That team is UnBelievable!"
THE COFFEE CAN TREASURE HUNT (formerly The Rumormonger):
X Marks the Spot
by Kristin
Kristin has reported the following:
I think that the treasure is at my school. It's in Zoe's desk and when Mrs. L (that's my teacher) finds it there she is going to be in so
much trouble. Maybe she even stole it! That kid is such a troublemaker! I hope she gets thrown in jail, or at least sent to Upper Bucks County.
Hey, Dad, I want Magic Stroller Baby for Christmas, too!
Quote of the Week
by Kathryn
"I want to see the Disney movie, "That Damn Cat!"
Hey, Dad, I want Magic Stroller Baby for Christmas, too!
Heard about the league..
by Julia & Sylvia
Now, what I heard going around the league was..
UB Rednecks:
Antowain is my man! Ernie can have Thurman Thomas and I'll spot him a couple of TDs!
Big Galoots:
Elway is Favre's equal, you'll see.
Angry Amoebas:
After this week, we're only mildly upset.
Vipers:
Ve vere viped out this veek!
Dingos:
I'm only inviting the guys over if my team wins!
Lizzzards:
Brett, you are worth every cent.
America's Team:
You guys distracted me with your petty problems.
Legends:
I'm going to practice being humble.
Pocono Pounders:
I'm gonna put itch powder in Antowain's underwear.
Culture Shock:
Elvis has left the Culture.
Slashers:
I think the Company Store has a treatment for Amoebas - "Slasher" medicine.
Terminators:
I have been relocated and no one knows where I am.
Sincerely,
Anonymous reporter
THE GAMES: Week 4
Stats are actually on time since we vaccuumed the Keyboard. (Hey, Paul, good job on the stats this week).
This week's results (bullet denotes correct guess - er - prediction):
| * | Angry Amoebas on a roll, slime the Culture | Amoebas 71, Culture 47 |
| | Terminators finish off Galoots win streak | Galoots 72, Terminators 30 |
| | Legends unbeaten streak broken by Americas Team | Legends 75, Americas Team 60 |
| | Pounders clobber Rednecks | Rednecks 55, Pounders 14 |
| | Lizzzards chomped by Dingos | Lizzzards 74, Dingos 11 |
| | Vipers bite Slashers, send them to hospital | Slashers 63, Vipers 47 |
(Jiminy was 1 for 6) Wow, that's pretty bad!
Weekly high score goes to (drum roll please): Mike S
THE MATCHUPS: Week 5
{odds by Jimmy the Greek cricket, a happy to be here, dead bug}
odds that stats will be available next week: 99 to 1 with the trifecta paying $1,530.40
| Angry Amoebas keep improving, slash Slashers |
| Galoots nose out Lizzzards as Brett disappoints |
| Legends send Culture back to stone age |
| Pounders flatten Terminators |
| Americas Team deports Rednecks |
| Dingos run over Vipers, keep Vipers streak intact |
| odds that these picks are correct: 0 to 0 |
OWNER COMMENTS (Where
Trash Talk Rules): Week 4
A Spirited Exchange Between the Flaming Dingos and the UB Rednecks:
Subject: Neil O'Donnell and Anthony Johnson on the trade block
from the Dingos:
I am looking to deal Neil O'Donnell for a running back.
I can package him with Anthony Johnson (Carolina) if desired.
Send all inquiries to, um, ME!
from the Rednecks:
I can give you Jamal Anderson for O'Donnell
from the Dingos:
And I can give you a swift kick in the pants! Beat it you Redneck.
Sorry, I respectfully decline that trade offer.
from the Rednecks:
Hey, I tried...
I guess you are not as desperate as I thought...Maybe a few more losses... and you will be. Sorry, just trash talk.
from the Dingos:
We no longer accept losses as standard fare.
The Editorial staff strongly recommend, that you submit your comments on time..!!
Don't ask me what time that is ..... YOU @#%@@ ..... Just make sure to be on time.
There, now U know !!THE EDITOR
the following message from our absentee editor:
from the Pocono Pounders:
Pocono Pounders Founder, Owner, GM, CEO, CFO, Trainer, Doctor and all around GOFER (or is it golfer..??) but no longer Coach, Ernie F.
had another press conference Monday morning. He couldn't wait for the Monday night game to end, there was no need, he new it was over.
"You are fired, you are fired.." Screamed Ernie, a normally calm and rational fella. But this was different, it was football, the big love of his life,
no maybe the second after golf, or is it the third love of Earnie's life after flying and golf? But again, maybe just the forth love of his life after the girls,
flying and golf. Ernie loves his daughters. Regardless, he was pissed as can be. "You incompetent nincompoop..." he was charging the doctor. "You can't make Thomas
well enough to play a full game and AnTwain steps in for them Rednecks."
Earnie was growing little sliva* bubbles at the edge of his mouth by now. "It's all your fault.. you idiot, you are fired." The Doctor was
heard mumbling "I'll get a job with the Vipers, you crazy Fish-bath." as he walked a way.
"I pity the fool, who'll play us next week.... and I don't care if that's that skinny legend...We need to win, there is NO other alternative.."
The rest of you'll have to pick up the two I fired."
"No questions at this time.."
(* ed note - Sliva is a small coastal town in Hungary)
Any future letters may be sent to the editor when his pc is fixed sometime this year at:
[email protected]
And soon at our new webpage at http\\www.lunatics.com
which is currently under negotiation.
STUFF:
Cyber Tips To Help You
win BIG 
The Eagles did as expected this week (it was their bye week)
Giants are back to their old form!
Jets offensive line not worth two cents! Neil O'Donnell to be available.
Act Now - 2 for 1 offer - O'Donnell and Detmer!
Web Designers note - most of the images on this page
are originally in MS Word format and cannot be uploaded directly!
Now I gotta print and scan, print and scan, print and scan...
Thanks, Microsoft!