THIS
REPORTER
Culture Shocks the Legends
and they Fall..!!!
Well, I must say, it has been a great week for the FFL. As the heading indicates, the Legends
have fallen to the Culture, but then they come back and score big in trash talk. "It's a
beautiful thing.!!" There was so much trash talk, that we can not even put it all in the Herald,
if you missed it ......it's your loss.
In this issue:
New features:
THAT REPORTER
The Possum Adventure Continues...
That Reporter - from Hope, Arkansas.
We were able to hitch a ride on a freight train with a couple of drifters named Snake and Beaufort to the end of the line in a small cotton mill near Bushwacka, Arkansas. After a dusty walk along the main drag, a tobacco farmer named Rufus gave us a lift in his '71 Ford pickup. Thoughts of Billy-Bob came to mind as he is hopefully waiting back in his UB trailer in PA. Rufus told of his new crop of 'wacky tobacky' after we promised not to mention any details as he is worried about any G-men confiscating his operation. "I just don' get it", he drawled as we flattened a raccoon which had the misfortune to be in our way. "We elect a true Bubba from down home, and what does the SOB do? - he up and lobbies again' our very livelihood here. Good thing the sheriff throwed them hippie boys in jail or else I would nevr 'a got them seeds for me new cash crop".
As we arrived near his secret farm we ducked under a tree upon hearing helicopter blades some ways off. "Could be the feds or maybe it's jus' ol' Slick Willie hisself stoppin by". Sure enough, after going across a small stream into the next field, there was the executive helicopter with Bill and Hillary at a picnic table nearby. "Hey, Rufe, you ol' fart!", Bill called out. "We stopped by for a few refills. Sure fooled them voters last time with that 'not inhaling' crapola!"
After being introduced and deciding that The Herald contained much more fiction than fact, Bill and Hillary agreed to an interview. "Mr President", I began, "since our paper doesn't cover any serious subjects, would you level with us and tell us what really happened with Paula Jones?" "Well, seeing that I can always deny it and everyone believes me anyway, I'll tell y'all. It was like this. I was supposed to meet Hillary that day and I had the trooper go down to get her, thinking I would play one of my little "surprises" on her - it pisses her off when I'm drunk, you know". "Anyway, those damn troopers figured I was so drunk I wouldn't be able to tell if it was really Hillary or not, so they made a bet and brought Ms Jones up. Guess what? They were right!" Hillary then smacked Bill with a nearby watermelon!
"Oh, come on now, Mr President, are you asking us to believe that you don't know your wife from any other woman? What about Gennifer Flowers?" Leaning close so Hillary wouldn't hear he told me "Actually, I thought Hillary was Gennifer when I proposed to her. Imagine my surprise when I woke up later and found out THE TRUTH!!!"
Hillary then made her statement. "And you wonder why Socks the cat keeps mounting every female cat he comes across!" "Bill, you stupid goober, don't forget that I shut up all during the election - now YOU OWE ME. Let's get back to our house and play southern bad-ass sheriff. You can show ME your warrants!"
Seeing that this was becoming a private moment, I excused myself and wandered back to Rufus' place for a dinner of barbecue and grits, with a biscuit and special seasonings - mmmmm!
next week - Marching through Georgia.
THEM OTHER REPORTERS
The Boner of the Week
By Anonymous
I am too cowardly to award this prize to the former first place team. Please forgive me...
Cowardly Yellow Chicken-hearted Anonymous Reporter
Dingos/Vipers Slugfest
By Arial
In an unprecedented flurry (blizzard?) of trash talk, the Dingos and Vipers are at it again. The Herald is sorry to say that if only all this energy could have been put to some useful purpose, for good instead of evil, for lineups instead of trash!!! On the other hand, our Trash Talk column runneth over - see the final 15 pages of this week's paper.
Culture Against the World
By Keiths
The Culture's Gus has crowed in his moment of glory, like a meteor streaking across the sky and then was no more... until Mike S came back with what we consider the BESTEST put-down trash so far this season. Others joined in the pile-up so that, despite Gus' noble efforts to get back some of his self-respect, all the other teams decided he would be best to just shut up! Still hasn't happened yet, though.
Another Scoring Controversy - Commish, Where Are You?
(part 2) By Chris
Hey Commisar, still no definitive ruling on field goal blocks going to the defense or to the special team. Are you stonewalling, or what? Remember what happened to Nixon. (Looks like Clinton's getting away with it, though) - is the Commissioner Republican, Democrat, or Whig?? Or maybe the Bull Moose Party??? Scandal's a-brewing, from our view point!
UBs cheered
By Sylvia
Look for me, my Mom, and my Dad in the QVC commercial where I stack a
house of cards and they can't find a camera. Yup, that's us - UB Redneck through and through.
Bwaaaaaaaa!!!!
Rimma's Place
Rimma is now returning from the Mir space station after successfully and single-handedly saving the mission! Here is the latest message from her:
"Moscow Control, Moscow Control, Have Completed Mission. Dejingilator successfully installed in Mir.
Csaba will never miss it. Cosmonaut Rimma out."
| For sale - Hardly used FFL franchise 50% share. Partner is very quiet, players are low scoring, but high on controversy. This team is a must see for every FFL fan. League will pay big bucks to the whiners at the end of the season. Vipers (that is the name of this fine team) has a great "snowballs in Hell" chance of winning the price. Don't miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to by. Call Bob @ x 3711 in PB. | Missing Pet - I can't find my god named Boo. The darn varmint ran away, after the big storm, when my 'puter went gone the other day. Boo is a medium size dog, part German Shepherd and part Choowava. He has a tag with his name on it, my cousin Titter bought for him in Woodstock in 68. Boo likes children, so be carefull, not to let him get close. Call Billy-Bob @ x3720 in PB. | Bounty Hunter - Wanted for collection of outstanding league fees. Can you believe it, some people still owe the comiss with the league fees, not to mention add/drop fees. We are almost in the middle of the regular season. Collection of the debt can be dangerous, may need a cry-permit to go into the culture and listen to excuses in Spanish. An unspecified reward is waiting. Call The Commish. |
| * | Angry Amoebas keep improving, slash Slashers | Amoebas 69, Slashers 62 |
| * | Galoots nose out Lizzzards as Brett disappoints | Galoots 79, Lizzzards 31 |
| Legends send Culture back to stone age | Culture 35, Legends 35! (Culture wins by QB scoring, 5 to 0) | |
| * | Pounders flatten Terminators | Pounders 52, Terminators 46 |
| * | Americas Team deports Rednecks | Americas Tm 42, UB 36 |
| * | Dingos run over Vipers, keep Vipers streak intact | Dingos 48, Vipers 37 |
| Angry Amoebas muzzle the Dingos |
| Galoots send Vipers 'outa town by sundown' |
| Legends return to form, chop up Slashers |
| Lizzzards edge Pounders for politically incorrect win |
| Americas Team sends Culture back to 'The City' |
| Rednecks turn off Terminators as Blake gets hot... |
| odds that these picks are correct: 0 to 0 |
OWNER COMMENTS (Where
Trash Talk Rules): Week 5
For the next 15 pages or so...
From the Galoots:
To quote our founder JOEZ: "as it is written, so it has become":
Keiths predicted "Brett will disappoint this week" and it came to be.
Other great stats:
Elway - 3 tds Sharpe - 1 td Murrell - 1 td J Reed - 1 td Hollis - 4 fgs
Levens - uncountable yardage (5 pts)
C Johnson - 4 yds!!??? (you're being dropped, CJ)
From the Vipers:
Snake Bytes:
The Vipers announce that previously "silent" partner, Ray Delany, has assumed responsibility for player personnel. Robert Klimek will continue his role as PR spokesman and General Manager. This merger will result in a balanced partnership of team management and an improved season. Beware of the Snake.
From the Galoots:
Oh, great - just in time to play ME! But perhaps confusion and disorganization will reign for just one more week...
From the Vipers:
Disorganization and confusion never reigned..... just plain old BAD LUCK did!!
But now that the VIPERS have become a SOLID duo.... the Lil Galoots are in for a BIG surprise.......
Quote for Herald: "Vipers tear Galoots a new hole, show league they ARE contenders"
Let the REAL season begin!!!!!!
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSsssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
___________________________________________
AND on another front,
In response to the fine article from our guest reporter Sean, the following commentary:
From the Dingos:
That's not trash talk...it's called rambling. Check the dictionary.
Jerk.
I hear the Herald is going to have to expand to fit all that mindless dribble into it this edition. (ed. note - if you only knew! And it's drivel, not dribble. Look it up)
______________________________
From The Culture:
if anyone has the RIGHT TO TRASH TALK . that's right those who FELL the legends
______________________________
Great Reply from The Legends:
Gus,
I admire your fine command of English grammar and punctuation (as demonstrated below), almost as much as your convincing victory in week 5. While you did win the contest, I was more embarrassed about scoring 35 points than I was about losing the game. I would think you would be embarrassed too and just sneak away with a victory. On the other hand, perhaps scoring 35 points was something you are quite proud of. In that case, feel free to continuing expressing the first incomplete thought that pops into your mind.
Sincerely.
General Manager
Legends of the Fall
______________________________
From the Garrulous Dingos:
Touche! The man is back...with a vengeance!
______________________________
From The Culture:
Mr.. S.,
Please , forgive my lack of proper grammar , I do recall an English class ,in which the nun said " A complete sentence consists of a subject and predicate."
i.e. CULTURE SHOCKS BEATS LEGENDS OF THE FALL.
subject \ predicate
______________________________
From the Rednecks:
I really don't want to get in the middle of this, but it's too good to miss. Can someone explain the structure of this "English" sentence?
if anyone has the RIGHT TO TRASH TALK . that's right those who FELL the legends
______________________________
From ???
This note was not sent from the commissioner. He doesn't know anything about this.
As a much happier team in division 1 I must point out that, while the wording is questionable, the intent was understood. This intent is what we must not deviate from. Happily (sorry Mike!) the LOTF now has something in the "L" column. Worried divisional rivals are much more relieved knowing that Goliath is conquerable, that Achilles has a heel, that the Titanic has a leak, that the Dyke has a hole that needs plugging (don't they all).
Thank you
anonymous
______________________________
From the Rednecks:
That's all good and well, but the big question is, is Daisy do it with the Duke boys or is she a you know what..?
______________________________
From the Galoots:
Hello, This is Mrs. Strictruler from the Bored of Education: Will the parents of Csaba and Gus please sign their children up to our Remedial Grammar and Spelling Course? The neighbors have been complaining.
And remember, it's I before E except after C or when sounding like A as in "neighbor" and "weigh"!
Thank you and have an educational day!
______________________________
AND EARLIER IN THE WEEK,
Billy Bob's latest adventures: From Csaba,
A Redneck was walking down the street when he noticed his friend across the road carrying a bag.
Bubba: "Hey Billy Bob what you got in that bag?"
Billy Bob: "In this bag here I got me chickens."
Bubba: "Chickens! I sure would like chickens. I bet you if I guess how many chickens you got in that thar bag you give me one..."
Billy Bob: " Bubba, if you guess how many chickens I got in this bag I'll give you both of 'em"
Bubba: "ummm . . .uhhhhhhh. . . 5?"
Billy Bob: "Nope!"
______________________________
And from Bob,
Csaba....these people must be related to you eh????
______________________________
And from Csaba, an explanation:
Bubba is Billy Bob's father, who is married to my aunt Betsy. who is Billy Bob's first cousin, because her sister is married to Bubba's son, from before the time he was married (not a legit kid), who's name was Titter, who was married to my aunt Betsy before Bubba. And aunt Betsy's sister's daughter is my wife Eva.
It's a small word after all....
______________________________
The Dingos Prognosticate:
Here are some tid bits for this week's Herald:
"Amoebas' single cell not able to contain potent Dingo offense."
Testaverde throws 3 TDs, but all to Michael Jackson.
Jeff George throws 3 TDs, all to James Jett (sorry Rickey). The other Rickey ("Running" Watters) runs for 100+ and a TD. Wycheck? Because he's gonna score 2 TDs.
Al del Holy S*** he kicked 5 FGs.
Let the talk commence...I'm 2-3 and on the rise!
______________________________
Regarding the Vipers imminent sale of their team...
Vipers:
I've been playing FF for over 5 years and I've never had such a CRAPPY squad, as well as CRUMMY luck!!
Again this week, beaten by the lowly Dingos....Jeff George goes cold for a couple weeks til the Vipers have to play them....then he chucks 4 TD's! We can't win!!
I have an 0-5 team thats really cheap!! Any nibblers????
I guess the only consolation is I can get any ADD/DROP I want. Oh goody!!!
Keith/Csaba...for the Herald...co-owner Bob says "WE SUCK!!!!"
But........I still have hope (small, but its there)!!
VIPER1 Management
E-Gad
______________________________
From the Lizzzards:
TIP for next year, buy the paper, don't steal the paper.
______________________________
From the Galoots (before Monday night's game):
That goes for you, too, Gus - you'd better do a good job against The Legends Who Refuse To Fall this week... I hear Bob may trade you Roseanne for quarterback.
______________________________
The Culture SHOUTS back:
IF BOB HAD ROSEANNE ON HIS TEAM AS QB HE I MEAN SHE WOULD BE BETTER THE TROYGIRL AND TUTU TY!!! HAAAAA THE WIPERS GIVE NEW MEEANING TO THE WORDS "BASEMENT DWELLERS " HEY IF HELL WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE EARTH BOB COULD ASK THE DEVIL FOR SOME HELPTHATS HOW CLOSE HE IS.
THE ALWAYS QUIET
"CULTURE SHOCK'
______________________________
The Vipers Respond:
Right now...I'm feelin mighty loowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!
Thanks for all the inspiration you spoiled brats!!!
You'd think Paul would donate Bledsoe, or maybe an Emmitt Smith or a half decent Wideout....but noooooooooooooooooo, just keep buryin those Vipers (aka Wupin Boyz...hey we have next years name)
______________________________
The Rednecks join in:
I guess, you not only stole the paper to prepare for the draft, but you have not been following the stats very closely. Emmitt didn't do squat in the first 5 weeks. Even your wishful thinking is off the mark...
Sorry Bob, I had to get in on the trashin'
______________________________
The Dingos Deal The Final Blow:
We should go easy on the Vipers.
It's no fun to be pounded week in and week out by the rest of the league.
No fun to be the "gimme" team.
No fun to be ridiculed because his draft skills stink, his players won't perform and he's done 32 add/drops to no avail.
No fun to be made fun of in e-mail messages all day by Keith.
No fun to be a loser.
No fun to lose to the most vocal owner in the league (me!).
No fun to just plain old be Bob K. in short.
So let's lay off, OK?
______________________________
Say Goodnight, Bob:
Thanks John...I'm just about ready for suicide now!!!
______________________________
The Editorial staff strongly recommend, that you submit your comments on time..!!
Don't ask me what time that is ..... YOU @#%@@ ..... Just make sure to be on time.
There, now U know !!THE EDITOR
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