THIS REPORTER
THAT REPORTER
The Possum Adventure Continues (apologies to Charles Kuralt)...
That Reporter - from Atlanta, Georgia.
Wow, what a headache! After a fitful sleep in Rufus' shack I wake up with the Mother of All Hangovers. Must have been that combination of corn likker and that damn 'seasoning'! Staggering out into the early morning fog, we leave Bushwacka Station in a local cotton shipment. Unfortunately we head in the wrong direction and end up in Atlanta!
Taking charge of the situation and having sobered up (pretty much), we head to downtown to check any news items that may have developed whilst being indisposed. Suddenly around the corner we see a monument of glass and steel, fountains and flags. It's the TBS headquarters, the Superstation itself.
After some finagling we are able to get an interview with Ted Turner himself:
THAT REPORTER: Mr Turner, thanks for taking the time to talk with us.
TED TURNER: My pleasure, That.
THAT: Tell us, sir, some of your thoughts about possums. Have you seen any lately? And, by the way, how is your lovely wife Jane these days?
TT: Whoa, hold on a minute there, fella. One question at a time. Well, Jane is doing fine. Whenever she's not with me attending a game of that remarkable, extraordinary Braves team (who will go all the way this year - you may quote me), she is attending to our vast underground cryogenic lab and workout facility.
Possums, you say? That would be a good name for my next team to be purchased. Since I merged with Time/Warner I got me a truckload of cash jus' waitin' to be spent. Do you know of any teams for sale?
THAT: Well, we were covering a sale of a team last week named The Vipers, but due to a turn of events, an actual WIN, in fact, they might not still be available.
TT: NOT AVAILABLE??? Sounds like they must be very exclusive. Look here, boy, if they're that good, just name your price.
THAT: It's not that they are actually that good, it's just that they just had a shakeup, with Ray now taking over managerial duties and Bob doing the PR. Possible turnaround candidate...
TT: Hmmm... sounds like the work of that idiot Redstone over at Viacom. Listen, I want that team. You get your butt over there and sell them on this idea. I can see it now. The Atlanta Possums - no, wait, even better - The Atlanta Roadkill? Turner's Varmints? The Georgia Critters?
THAT: They seem pretty much set on Vipers, sir.
TT: Vipe? Wipe? No, that doesn't make sense to me. Maybe Jane has some better ideas. Jane?
Jane (on intercom): Yes, dear?
TT: Any names for my new team I'm just purchasing?
Jane: How about 'Feel the Atlanta Burn'? What sport is it anyway?
TT : Good question.
THAT: It's FFL football, of course, although their logo is from a hockey team.
TT: WHAT?!! Atlanta already has a football team, you idiot! In fact, I'm in negotiations now to buy it. You were just here on false pretenses. There probably isn't even such a team in existence. FFL is all fake anyway! I've had it! This interview is OVER!
And so, despite my assurances that The Vipers really did exist and that the time to buy was now while they were still 1 and 5 and affordable, security removed me from the building.
next week - still lost in the Deep South.
THEM OTHER REPORTERS
The Boner of the Week
By CYCH Anonymous Reporter
This weeks "BONER" is awarded to Mr. Keith S. Keith earns this award for losing to
the Vipers a team that only scored 27 points (something to be proud of). It seems that Keith felt the pressure of
being the number one team in the league (based on last years results, very unfamiliar territory). To quote former
Flyers coach Terry Murray, "IT WAS A CHOKING SITUATION".
Keith supplied numerous excuses to explain this debacle, but the fact is that he LOST.
In other news, due to Keith's recent personnel moves, (dropping Charles Johnson, 2TD's, not starting Shannon Sharpe) his
wife will be taking over the GM duties of the Big Galoots franchise until further notice.
Runner Up for the "BONER" goes to the Vipers for knowingly starting Terence Mathis.
Bob, Atlanta had a bye week, check the papers. Just another reason why Keith deserves this award.
Cowardly Yellow Chicken-hearted Anonymous Reporter
Vipers No Longer Doormat Of The League?
By Keiths
The Vipers through no fault of their own, have actually won a game. Although Dave keeps coming by my cube and emitting a choking sound, Bob and Ray have claimed that the win was due to their organizational shakeup and a 'new league order' has begun (although after checking we found that they are still in last place).
Keiths was heard grumbling and concentrating on next week's lineup. Bob continued to insist that they would keep winning despite being demoted by Ray. John's comment was 'run run run as fast as you can, you can't catch us we're the Dingos, man!". Paul just shrugged and said 'Hey - ' and then, 'I gotta go pee'.
Another Scoring Controversy - Commish, Where Are You?
(part 3) By Chris
After no response from the Commish and yawns from the reading public, it has been announced that videos from the morning 'coffees' with generous 'contributors' are in existence. We are awaiting the turnover of these incriminating tapes. Nobody ever said being the commish was going to be an honest job.
The Low High Score
By Mike S.
After once again winning high score this week we questioned Mike as to whether his high score of 59 was the lowest on record. After checking the stats Mike replied that he was 'pleasantly surprised' by the award and that actually Paul had the lowest high score of 58 in week 2.
It seems Csaba still holds the record for lowest LOW score...(sorry, man, no award for that).
UBs cheered
By Sylvia
Hi, Dad, I drank all your beer. Now I gotta go pee. Good thing I got diapers on!
Rimma's Place
Rimma's spacecraft takes wrong turn and is heading towards Mars. (We always knew those Russians wanted to beat us there). Here is the latest message from her:
"Moscow Control, Moscow Control, Navigation Control Infected With Laroux Virus.
Please Contact Csaba For Sofware Upgrade.
Suspect that Capitalist Dave is Responsible for This One.
Cosmonaut Rimma out."
Heard about the league..
by Julia, Nikki, & Sylvia
Now, what I heard going around the league was..FOOD
UB Rednecks:
"Cultured" Catfish for dinner
Big Galoots:
I'm hankerin' for Amoeba Omelettes
Angry Amoebas:
Tonight it's Galootey stew
Vipers:
Pocono Quarter Pounders with fries and a coke, please
Dingos:
Time for a Legendary Feast
Lizzzards:
Lizzzard Helper with Rice (not Jerry Rice)
America's Team:
Hibachi "Slashed" noodles
Legends:
Tonight's entree is Dingo Kabobs
Pocono Pounders:
Vipers? Tastes like chicken!
Culture Shock:
We're cookin' up UBs with onions
Slashers:
Americas Team and Apple Pie - mmmmm!
Terminators:
I'm serving Terminator Tonic (stirred, not shaken)
Sincerely,
Anonymous reporter
THE GAMES: Week 6
Stats are actually on time since Atlantis has fixed the Mir stats computer. (Hey, Paul, can I have an extra 2 points next week, too? Just call it a tie-breaker).
This week's results (bullet denotes correct guess - er - prediction):
| * | Angry Amoebas muzzle the Dingos | Amoebas 45, Dingos 43 |
| Galoots send Vipers 'outa town by sundown' | Vipers 27, Galoots 21!!! | |
| * | Legends return to form, chop up Slashers | LOTF 59, Slashers 44 |
| * | Lizzzards edge Pounders for politically incorrect win | Lizzzards 45, Pounders 44 |
| * | Americas Team sends Culture back to 'The City' | Americas 53, Culture 32 |
| * | Rednecks turn off Terminators as Blake gets hot... | UB 34 Terminators 21 |
| Galoots over Amoebas by stray bullet |
| Legends show how they got their name, defeat Dingos |
| Pounders pound Vipers back into ground |
| Lizzzards all but finish the Terminators |
| Americas Team overtaxes Slashers |
| Rednecks get Culture lesson |
| odds that these picks are correct: 0 to 0 |
OWNER COMMENTS (Where
Trash Talk Rules): Week 6
For the next 15 pages or so...
The Galoots Excuses, followed by 'I guess an explanation is in order' (tm).
From the Galoots on Monday morning: OK, fellas, here is the scoring as I see it:
Elway ? Aikman 13 Murrell 9 Means 3 Levens 1 C Martin ? Reed 0 Hastings 0 Barnett 0 Mathis (bye week???) Riemersma 0 Asher 0 Hollis 3 Stover 6 OAK 1 SEA 3 ----- ---- 14 25
You guys have a very good chance of winning it - thanks to my dropping Charles Johnson (2 tds) and benching Kordell Stewart (5 tds!). Looks like this was Pittsburgh's week...
ps - don't celebrate yet - I expect Elway to come thru big tonite.
_____________________________
From the Vipers:
You got it Mr Galoot!!
The VIPERS make a critical error in not changing Mathis to Thigpen(196yds)...but we still may beat ya!!
We'll take it over here in Viperville!!
Good luck and hopefully Elway gets thumped early and Curtis rumbles over Broncs D!!
Ray...see I told ya we dont suck (HA :-)
Keith...do you get something for lowest points?? A booby prize?? And you lost to us!! Hee hee!!!
_____________________________
From the Galoots:
excuse #1:I'm just trying to make it interesting so you will stay up late and watch Monday Night football.
excuse #2:I felt sorry for you and didn't want to pound you too badly.
excuse #3: I caught the Mike S. virus when setting up my lineup.
excuse #4:It's a curse being number 1 - something you will NEVER know.
excuse #5:I was trying to beat Csaba's low score of 9.
_____________________________
From the Vipers:
Excuse #1 --> Tommorows paper works just as good!
Excuse #2 --> Any loser backed in a corner would say that!
Excuse #3 --> Dont blame Mike for your squads WEAK performance
Excuse #4 --> Dont count us out JUST yet! P.S. You always have to start with a first victim....who was that?? Oh yea...U!!!
Excuse #5 --> Now thats believable!! Pathetic but believable!
_____________________________
From the Galoots on Tuesday morning:
OK, Vipes, now that I GAVE you that win I hope you will get the taste of VICTORY and continue in your WINNING WAYS at someone elses expense!
I can't believe Elway gave that ball to Terrill Davis so many times, (which benefited Mr. S.). Why didn't he pass like always????
I'll have a talk with John in his bye week so he will be back to top passing form when I'm up against LOTF in week 8!
Don't worry, Sean, I didn't forget about you in week 7. Look for my "alternate" lineup.
A final thought- to quote Dr Zachary Smith from Lost in Space:
"Oh, the pain, the pain!"
_____________________________
From the Vipers:
And dear Keith...to quote one of my favorite announcers.....
"HOW SWEEEEEEEEET IT IS!!!!!" - Gary Dornhoffer
Bring on the NEXT victim!!!
_____________________________
From the Dingos:
You presume that there's going to BE a next victim.
You know what presuming does? It makes an PRE out of SOME U. Or something like that.
_____________________________
From the Vipers:
Startin to look over your shoulder John??????
SSSSSSSSSSSsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
_____________________________
From the Galoots:
I think he means ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
_____________________________
From the Dingos:
I think I mean "Noooooooooooooooooooooope".
When you get two wins and some players that score in the 40s then we'll talk.
(just kidding - Trash Talk Tuesday abounds!!!)
_____________________________
From the Vipers:
Dearest Mr Galoot....
Do I have to continually remind you...that you LOST this week!!
Thats LOST!!! Not WIN!!! The big "L"!!!
To the Oh-fer VIPERS (not that I'm pickin on us Ray)!!
If we go Oh-fer (God forbid) the rest of the season, at least we can say we beat the Big (and talkative) Galoots.
Basically VIPER HQ is prepping for the Pounders to get all 16 oz. of the Viper wrath this week.
Oh yea Keith, we also beat you while having a WR on a bye!!! (Toungue out)
Touche'
_____________________________
From the Galoots:
Yes, I lost this week.
Yes, I can handle it.
Yes, at least I won't dwell on it and I'll move on.
You, on the other hand, should keep treasuring this moment as it is highly unlikely you will have anything like it for the rest of the season.
You should know (Dave will back me up on this) that I was considering using my backup QB, so feeble was your lineup. If I did, we wouldn't be having this conversation and you would instead be in awe of my lineup-picking abilities.
As it was, I decided to go with the 'conventional' wisdom and my team
tanked! At least my team crapped out for only TWO games, not for FIVE like yours!!!
respectfully,
Keiths
_____________________________
From the Vipers:
You are now the Rodney Dangerfield of the league!!
_______________________________________
From the Dingos:
Take it from a guy who has only managed 2 wins, keep your starting QB until he's hurt.
When you shuffle them in and out the offense has trouble knowing which pansy, um, QB will be tossing them the pigskin.
The Editorial staff strongly recommend, that you submit your comments on time..!!
Don't ask me what time that is ..... YOU @#%@@ ..... Just make sure to be on time.
There, now U know !!THE EDITOR
| Archives main page | Visit Keese's Home Page | Check out the Wily Weasels | Check out the BMSFFL |