THIS REPORTER
THAT REPORTER
The Possum Adventure Continues
That Reporter - from Fort Myers, Florida.
Must have gotten all turned around after leaving Atlanta. After slogging through even more swamps, bayous, whatever, I am still heading south. After following a jeep full of coeds hoping to find more clues to (what was that mutt's name? - oh, yeah, 'Boo' - a good Halloween name), I finally had to stop at a drawbridge. While waiting at the bridge gate I asked the young ladies where I might find Boo. They directed me down Rt 1A south, laughed and drove off.
After hours and hours of driving I approached Fort Myers, known as a senior citizen stronghold. I was very careful to stop at the crosswalks saying 'SLOW SENIORS AT PLAY' and pulled up at the civic center. After a few rousing games of checkers and pinochle with the locals, a 97 year old fella named Gump advised me that the next day was the annual Lawrence Welk day and that the area would be mobbed with thousands of elderly groupies. All roads out of the city were already filling up with mini buses, campers, and tour buses, RVs, and every other traffic nightmare.
Panicking, I headed for the marina and asked the owner the fastest way out of the city. Not having much money left at this point, all I could afford was a small 12HP outboard motorboat (thanks a lot, Herald, for the generous cash advance). After setting my compass in place with some copper wire, I headed due northwest which hopefully would direct me back towards Alabama. The wind is picking up a bit now so I must sign off until next time.
next week - Buenos Dias, Yanquii.
THEM OTHER REPORTERS
The Boner of the Week
By CYCH Anonymous Reporter
The Boner of the week is awarded to UB Rednecks. The UB Rednecks were using the 1996 NFL schedule to see who is playing who, thus not knowing that Tim Brown was on a bye week. Csaba is blaming the mistake on CBS Sportsline, just goes to prove that you can not trust anything on the internet. HINT, buy the newspaper or, if you are like Bob, just steal the paper.
Runner Up for the "BONER" goes to the Galoots for also relying on the internet (ESPN) which told him that his new WR was injured. Even after he played and scored on Sunday the list still shows him as injured! Take Ernie's advice: Don't think too hard.
Cowardly Yellow Chicken-hearted Anonymous Reporter
Vipers Winning Streak Extended to TWO
By Keiths
The Vipers with their new organizational structure are sending shock waves (not to be confused with Culture Shock waves) through the League with an unprecedented two-in-a-row winning streak. General Manager Ray claims credit for this breakthrough due to his extensive managerial abilities, his expertise on cigars, and not thinking too much. Bob dismisses this talk and says 'I may not be as good at picking lineups, but I beat Keiths at his own game, which is trivia'. Will the streak continue to THREE? Stay tuned as the Vipes take on the Terminators next week.
Another Scoring Controversy - Commish Comes Through
By Chris
The High High Score
By Matt UBs cheered
By Sylvia
Rimma's Place Heard about the league..
by Julia, Nikki, & Sylvia
After actually reading the paper and seeing that Brad Johnson's pass to himself was scored as both a pass and a reception, Paul had no alternative than to score it as 12 points. Matt, of course, didn't actually NEED those points, but it did make his high score even that more impressive. An unnamed source close to the Commish says that the next time any unusual play occurs causing him any aggravation whatsoever, the team owner will be penalized 10 points!
Matt says that his High High score of 95 beats out Paul and Mike S's Low High Scores of 58 and 59. And we thought his numbers were backwards (ie - 59). Silly us!
Hi, Dad, I drank all your 'shine. Now I gotta pass out. Barfffff!!! Zzzzzzzzzzz.
Rimma's spacecraft still heading towards Mars. Here is the latest message from her:
"Moscow Control, Moscow Control, On Course Towards Red Planet. Must Beat That Goofy Guy in Disney Movie There. And I Will NOT Flush Myself Down the Toilet like American does!
Cosmonaut Rimma out
Dear Chubby
Dear Chubby will not appear this week either. Too busy putting trailer back on blocks after that storm.
TRIVIA CHALLENGE:
Hmmm...
last weeks True or Falls: "Music of the 80's"
Who sang 'Too Shy'?
Kajagoogoo
Who sang 'Tainted Love/Always Something There to Remind Me'?
Soft Cell and Naked Eyes
OOPS! Keiths screwed up. Bob K. has corrected the Trivmeister.
I meant to ask for 'Tainted Love/Where Did Our Love Go' by Soft Cell.
'Always Something' is by Naked Eyes
Who appeared in and sang the title song to 'Mad Max - Return to Thunderdome'?
Tina Turner
Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band
Southside Johnny and The Asbury Jukes
George Thorogood and The Delaware Destroyers
Name The Bangles top hit
Walk Like an Egyptian. Dave added that 'Manic Monday' was also a top hit.
Spandau Ballet
Flock of Seagulls
What did Linda Ronstadt wear on the cover of her album 'Living in the USA'?
A Roller Skating outfit
Who sang the remake of 'Venus'?
Bananarama
What group was Jeff Lynne in?
Electric Light Orchestra (ELO)
What movie featured the hit 'Shout'?
Animal House
this week: "US History Exam by Mrs. Strictruler"
Class, please be seated, stop fidgeting, and begin your test:
Time's up. Pencils down. Turn in tests on the way out.
(rules for this trivia: $1.00 for the first person with 10 questions correct.
25 cents for the earliest person with the most answers correct.
deadline: end of the day Monday 10/20).
Next week: "Bob K's Trivia Emporium"
"Purely Subjective and Sure to be Controversial Ratings of the Week" (tm):
look for one of your players here!
Duds of the Week: Kordell Stewart (bonk!), Jeff Blake
Runner-up: Emmitt
Star of the Week: James Stewart - 5TDs!
Runners-up: Barry Sanders 3 Tds, Irving Fryar 3Tds, Mark Chmura 2 Tds
THE NEW AND IMPROVED RUMORMONGER:
Dedicated to the rumors and gossip that inquiring minds want to stick their noses into.
The rumor is that Mike G has travelled all the way to Chicago in a desperate bid to find some talent!
THE COFFEE CAN TREASURE HUNT (formerly The Rumormonger):
X Marks the Spot
by Kristin
Kristin has reported the following:
I know where the treasure is this week. It's in the playground at my school under the rocket climber thing.
Quote of the Week
by Kathryn
I'm going on the hayride to the pumpkin field. I will be scared of the vampires coughing. (coffin)!
Now, what I heard going around the league was..
UB Rednecks:
I've had all I can stands, I can't stands no more! Bye, Emmitt!
Big Galoots:
Fred Barnett released from Dolphins! Whoa!
Angry Amoebas:
Surprise QB Kanell thwarted the ornery Galoots
Vipers:
We 'managed' another win!
Dingos:
James Stewart had 5 tds and still no high score??!!
Lizzzards:
Ho-hum. Brett did good, but those other guys on the team...
America's Team:
I guess you could say I was 'whomped' by Matt.
Legends:
Bam Morris released from jail! Whoa!
Pocono Pounders:
Aaaagh! Viped by 2 points! Should have started Chrebet.
Culture Shock:
We're so much more civilized than those Redneck yokels.
Slashers:
Oh, what a feeling! 95 pts 95 pts 95 pts!
Terminators:
Hey, it's FUN to beat Dave's team.
Sincerely,
Anonymous reporter
THE GAMES: Week 7
Stats are actually correct since Paul put in overtime to adjust Brad Johnson's scoring. (Hey, Paul, our Herald staff of 1 1/2 works MUCH harder, you know!).
This week's results (bullet denotes correct guess - er - prediction):
| Galoots over Amoebas by stray bullet | Amoebas 60, Galoots 29 | |
| Legends show how they got their name, defeat Dingos | Dingos 87, Legends 22 | |
| Pounders pound Vipers back into ground | Vipers 27, Pounders 25 | |
| Lizzzards all but finish the Terminators | Terminators 68, Lizzzards 44 | |
| Americas Team overtaxes Slashers | Slashers 95, Americas 41 | |
| * | Rednecks get Culture lesson | Culture 47, Rednecks 15 |
| Amoebas oozed by Pounders |
| Galoots 'looted by Legends |
| Americas Team takes Dingos to dog pound |
| Vipers continue to amaze, stop Terminators |
| Culture gets Slashed |
| Lizzzards crawl all over Rednecks, send them to Ostrich Farm. |
| odds that these picks are correct: 0 to 0 |
OWNER COMMENTS (Where
Trash Talk Rules): Week 7
The comments this week were really slim 'Carl' pickens. Although we tried to stir something up, with Bob K and John remaining silent, we're just talking to ourselves...
Csaba was LATE last week with this message:
DIVISION II MATCHUP:
I didn't help Kiths with the Herald this week, (trying not to insult anybody for a wile) but there is a few critical games this week in Division II, I'd like to bring to your attention.
There is a three way Ty for first place:
Lizzzards 3-3 >322 Culture 3-3 235 Rednecks 3-3 228
This week the Lizzards play the Terminators (Herald predict:Lizzard blowout!)
Culture play Rednecks (Herald predict:Culture Shock!)
I don't like this....!!!
Billy-Bob's predictions:
* Farve get sacked by Green 6 times, can't pass.
* Pickens get hurt (not too bad) first Q, Blake pass 4TD to alt WR.
* Dan Marino pass 2 TD to Troy Drayton.
* Michael Irving 2TD pass from Aikman.
* Steve Young gets run over by a raindeer from GreenBay.
* JJ Stokes gets same !
* Emmit will not be "BONER OF THE WEEK" next week. 2TD 125yards.
This will make:
Lizzards 46 Terminators 48 Culture 38 Rednecks 59
This will put the Redneck in first place and celebration is in order with a fresh jar of moonshine.
May the best Redneck win..!!
Ed note - As we all know, it was not to be. ALL of the above events were judged 'nonexistent'.
____________________________________________________________________
The 1/2 Editor (Galoot side) replies:
Look here Mr Dirty Stinkin Redneck. It's bad enough I had to do all the work this week, which is part of the reason I picked you to lose. However, we don't want another 'Joe' situation this year (ie - a disappearing reporter), which is why I didn't say anything else against you.
If you continue to criticize my picks, you are free to submit yourown choices. You forgot one thing, however. Today is FRIDAY. The Herald deadline has passed. Now you will have to wait until next week.
What happened? Bad corn likker put you out for a day???!!!
(ed. note - the previous message is intended for publication in next week's Herald and isn't a personal attack (yet)).
_____________________________________________________________________
Americas Team comments:
Hmmm, seems maybe there will be the Herald, and a new rag, er,
publication. Could this be the birth of the competition in sports reporting we have been waiting for? Could this be the dawn of...The Courier??
_____________________________________________________________________
After LOSING AGAIN, this time to the Amoebas, I decided to be polite and write to the Legends:
Hi, Mike,
How's my next adversary doing today? (I always think ahead after a loss). Don't you wish you had Irving Fryar like last year? Just to let you know that I've been saving all my points the last two weeks for when I play you.
A prediction: Galoots will claw their way back as LOTF is humbled!
(disclaimer - my predictions of the last two weeks were wrong, so who can tell?)
Galoot Central signing off...
______________________________________________________________________
And Mr LOTF replies:
Hi Keiths,
Didn't have Irving Fryer last year, Joez did. I wish I had Brett Favre like last year - two of the three weeks I've started Mark Brunell he has scored zero points!
I was clawed to death by the Dingos this week (James Stewart 5 TD's). Who's ahead in the Galoots vs Ameobas contest?
Mike
At which point I gave him the disgusting stats on the game.
_______________________________________________________________________
And a small tidbit from the commish:
Commish: Mike G gets the distance award for calling in add drops. He was in Chicago.
Herald: It shall be noted in The Herald. Was he checking on Da Bears???
Commish: Sources tell this reporter that he flew out there to discuss trading Marino for Mirer. He was definitly ill advised.
________________________________________________________________________
HEY, GUYS, I CAN"T PUBLISH TRASH TALK IF YOU'RE ALL TOO POLITE TO THROW ANY AROUND. Just so youse all understands.
The Editorial staff strongly recommend, that you submit your comments on time..!!
Don't ask me what time that is ..... YOU @#%@@ ..... Just make sure to be on time.
There, now U know !!
THE EDITOR
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