Keese's Korner - week 4 results

presented by The CyberCops precinct headquarters

Week 4:
High score goes to The Slashers! WOW!! Congratulations.

Big D -

Squirrelly Sean's Seattle defense - 2 points!!! Rest of team picks up the slack.

zzzzz -

Kordell Stewart decided to take 'The Bus' this week.

Brett Whoooo? -

5 TDs from Brett as the Packers coast to a win!

confirmed as sneaky -

Paul claims he picked up Jason Garrett, Dallas Cowboys just so Keese couldn't have him!.

tie me down! -

CyberCops/UB Rednecks tied at 40 each going into Monday night. QB Trent Dribbler vs WR Herman Munster
Tampa Bay is shut down really well, Herman gets 2 pints for the win! DAMMIT - two separate TDs by Trent are called back! Ends up with a big fat ZERO pints!

Brou-ha-ha -

Very funny, whoever(?) is claiming I insulted the Chicken - um, Nighthawks!

Cyber Cops guest cops of the week:
Jack Webb and Harry Morgan from 'Dragnet'
(dragnet site = http://www.hooked.net/~cbhall/DRAGNET1.HTM)

Dragnet quotes (from the site):
From Episode 96-"D.H.Q. -- Night School"
"No, man, it's oregano for a pizza sauce. I'm a gourmet chef." (Jerry Morgan, played by J.C. Curtiss, says this to Joe Friday when he asks him about the contents of a suspicious plastic bag stuck inside his notebook. Fridays busts him for pot possession and almost gets expelled from class.)
From Episode 71 - "Juvenile"
After being arrested for abandoning her newborn baby in a trash bin, actress Michelle Grumet (as Donna Halpern) she asks Joe Friday, "You don't think much of me, do you?" and Joe replies, "Let me put it this way-- You'll never make mother of the year." Shortly afterwards she asks, "What's going to happen to me?"and Joe replies, "That's up to the court, and your conscience. Or did you throw *that* away, too?"
Classic digs from Joe!
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How to be a Football Announcer:
1: Be one of the following:
a) Retired semi-successful football player (QBs preferred)
b) Large loud-mouthed guy who likes to talk
c) Smaller quieter guy who likes to laugh at jokes from (b).
d) Have no other identifiable qualifications.
note - you may also be a petite professional female reporter able to interview on the field and not afraid of big, sweaty football players or gatorade or locker rooms (ewwwww!).

2. Demand an exorbitant salary or you will go to the UPN network.

3. Experience announcing in totally unrelated sports helps, too.

4. Once you have the job, you must dress for it. Plaid sport coat and non-matching tie are always in fashion.

5. Speaking hints.
a. make sure mike is 'off'
b. tell all dirty jokes during commercial
c. make sure mike is 'on'
d. talk about the last time the teams met and how good or bad they were. also talk about how 'critical' this games is using phrases like 'must win' 'division race' 'playoffs', etc, which work better the further into the season you get. If you have the misfortune to cover a 'dog' of a team, mention 'rebuilding' and 'next year's draft picks' and blame the coach (never the owner).
Also, mention that the coach's job is in jeapordy (as in 'a "must win" for the coach to keep his job').once the game is under way, try to actually watch it every now and then although you must keep continuously talking. Whoever is moving the ball better should be praised and the other faulted, although be careful to reverse yourself immediately should the other team score. Viewers have no memory of what you said two minutes ago and probably aren't even listening anyway.
f. (optional) - if you want you can chart the plays with squiggles and lines when there is a good passing play. No one will know what you mean, but it sounds like you know what you are talking about.
g. Use cliches like 'Barry Sanders running is a thing of beauty' 'Elways passing ability is amazing at his age' 'Ray Rhodes is once again in a no-win situation'.
h. Under no circumstances make any references between a player's athletic ability and his ethnic heritage!

6. After the game be sure to grope the petite professional female field reporter.

7. On the way home make sure no one sees you as you collect your winnings from your bookie.

8. Get drunk for the next 5 days, then sober up for next week's games.

Get your lineups in, folks, before Saturday midnight, and your add/drop/changes by Weds. Check results on this web page. And hey, let's be careful out there.

KEESE