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| Signs that you have
had too much of the Hi-Tech age..... |
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1) You just tried to enter your password on the
microwave.
2) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach
your family of three.
3) You start tilting your head sideways to smile
:-)
4) You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and
check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
5) You turn off your Modem and get this awful
feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved
one.
6) You consider second-day air delivery painfully
slow.
7) Your reason for not staying in touch with family
is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
8) The concept of using real money, instead of
credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to
you.
9) You buy a computer and a week later it is out of
date and now sells for half the price you paid.
10) Every commercial on television has a web-site
address at the bottom of the screen.
11) Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox
asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn
so she can create a screen saver.
12) You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K
compliant.
13) You check the ingredients on a can of chicken
noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
14) You chat several times a day with a stranger
from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your
next door neighbour yet this year.
15) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her
web site.
16) You call your son's beeper to let him know it's
time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom,
"What's for dinner?"
17) Your idea of being organised is
multiple-coloured Post-it notes.
18) You're reading this.
19) Even worse; you're going to forward it to
someone else
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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? |
It
depends on who you ask.......
Based on an Email From Mike
GeorgeBush's Answer: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the
road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road
or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no
middle ground here.
Al Gore's Answer: I invented the chicken. I invented the road.
Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application
of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented
way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
Bill Gates' Answer: I have just released chicken 2003, which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents,
and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable
part of chicken.
Martha Stewart's Answer: No one called to warn me which way that
chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to
sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird
gave me any insider information.
Dr. Sues' Answer: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with
a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've
not been told!
Ernest Hemingway's Answer: To die. In the rain. Alone.
Martin Luther King Jr's Answer: I envision a world where all chickens
will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into
question.
Grandpa's Answer: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was
good enough for us.
Barbara Walters' Answer: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we
will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the
heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and
went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
Ralph Nader's Answer: The chicken's habitat on the original side of
the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The
chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road
because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
Jerry Seinfield's Answer: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why
doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken
doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Pat Buchanan's Answer: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking
American.
Rush Limbaugh's Answer: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road,
but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and
I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help
chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How
much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road
paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking
about your money, money the government took from you to build roads
for chickens to cross.
Jerry Falwell's Answer: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious?
Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The
chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the
other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that
chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until
we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with
seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
John Lennon's Answer: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in
peace.
Aristotle's Answer: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx's Answer: It was a historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein's Answer: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and
we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Voltaire's Answer: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I
will defend to the death its right to do it.
Captain Kirk's Answer: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder's Answer: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How
many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Scully's Answer: It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is
commonly found in chickens.
Bill Clinton's Answer: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
The Bible's Answer: And God came down from the heavens, and He said
unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed
the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Albert Einstein's Answer: Did the chicken really cross the road or did
the road move beneath the chicken?
Sigmund Freud's Answer: The fact that you are at all concerned that
the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying insecurity.
L.A.P.D.'s Answer: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find
out. |
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WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER! |
1) I
can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2) Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged
in.
3) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4) Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good
job!
5) Are You Andy or Barney?
6) I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be
a police officer
7) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8) I pay your salary!
9) Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!
10) Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12) When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you
been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your
eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
13) What? You need a license to drive?
14) Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!
15) Is your power a penis substitute?
16) Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it
is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk
17) Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone
conversation.
18) Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.
19) Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a
fruit or vegetable?
20) A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change
your mind
21) Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body
in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?
22) Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.
23) Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence
24) Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at
McDonald's ?
25) Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too
26) My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal
27) Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
28) Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?
29) You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught
me
30) In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?
31) If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight
32) Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?
33) Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either
34) Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a
doughnut
35) Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?
36) Do you have any idea who you're talking to?
37) There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.
38) What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really,
there is no blood in my alchohol
39) That uniform makes your ass look really big.
40) You don't happen to have any beer in your car?
41) I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school
instead.
42) So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
43) I'm not as think as you stoned I am.
44) Officer: "Do you know how fast you were going"
Driver "No I'm too stoned to remember"
Thanks to Simon for the two points above!
45) Its tobacco, honest
46) Hey, i bet i can grab that gun before you finish writing my
ticket! (from a friend)
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The word "FUCK" in the dictionary....... |
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories:
It can be used as a verb, both transitive "John fucked Mary" and
intransitive "Mary was fucked by John"
It can be an action verb "John really gives a fuck" a passive verb
"Mary really doesn't give a fuck" an adverb "Mary is fucking
interested in John" or as a noun "Mary is a terrific fuck"
It can also be used as an adjective "Mary is fucking beautiful" or an
interjection "Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary"
It can even be used as a conjunction "Mary is easy, fuck she's also
stupid"
As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility
of the word "fuck".
Apart from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used
to describe many situations:
1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust "Fuck me."
7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand fucking Maths!"
9. Despair "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used...
...in an anatomical description "He's a fucking asshole."
...to tell time "It's five fucking thirty."
...in business "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
...maternal "Motherfucker."
...political "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history :
Mayor of Hiroshima "What the fuck was that?"
General Custer "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
Captain of the Titanic "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
John Lennon "That's not a real fucking gun."
Richard Nixon "Who's gonna fucking find out?"
Anne Boleyn "Heads are going to fucking roll."
Willard Scott "It's someone's 100th fucking birthday today!"
Albert Einstein "Any fucking idiot could understand that."
Picasso "It does so fucking look like her!"
Pythagoras "How the fuck did you work that out?"
Michaelangelo "You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
Walt Disney "Fuck a duck."
Edmund Hilary "Why? Because its fucking there!"
Joan of Arc "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
Donald Trump "She wants how much fucking money?!?!?"
Orville Reddenbacher "Look! Almost every fucking kernel popped!"
Jim Lovell (captain of Apollo 13) "Huston, We have a fucking
problem!!"
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VIZ Advice....... |
1.If a
small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug
of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
2.Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3.Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking
thing in the first place!
4.Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a
friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The
possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking
any of them.
5.Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up
and telling her.
6.Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at
least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
7.Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic
explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their
noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to
impress the girls.
8. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by
buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
9.Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.
10.Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the
wall.
11.Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt, a used syringe and a dog turd
into the bath.
12.Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their
lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
13.Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of
bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
14.Girls - can't afford to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get
pissed, lie in a sandpit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks
at you over the fence.
15.Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
16.X-Files fans - create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously
erased.
17.Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.
18.Save money on expensive personalised car numberplates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate.- Mr. KVL 741.
19.Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer
to the object you wish to view.
20.Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving
fully refreshed and on time.
21.Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
simply pissing in the sink.
22.Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
23.Thicken up runny low-fat yogurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
24.Carlton Football Club fans. Save money on expensive new supporters
kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. Then
there will be no doubt as to your sporting allegiance.
25.A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
26.Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
27.Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air
over any that you catch in the act.
28.An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
29.Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.
30.Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff
straight down the pan.
31.Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes,
eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.
|
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So Which condoms would you use....? |
Oh
naughty! But its better to be safe than sorry.
Nike condoms: Just do it.
Toyota condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi condoms: You got the right one, baby
Pringle condoms: Once you pop you can't stop.
Mentos condoms: The Freshmaker.
Secret condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balance for a women.
Macintosh condom: it does more, cost less, it's that simple.
Ford condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy condoms: Like a rock.
New York Lotto condoms: Cause hey-you never know.
California Lotto condom: Who's next?
Avis condom: Trying harder than ever.
KFC condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Microsoft condom: Where do you want to go today?
Energizer condoms: It keeps going and going and going...
M&M condoms: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
MCI condoms: For family and friends
Doublemint condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun.
Delta Airlines condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airline condoms travel pack: Fly united
The Star Trek condom: To boldly go where no man has gone before.
UK Lotto: Dont have a Little, have a Lotto!
Polo Condoms: Holey Refreshing
Kingdom of Hearts Condoms: You never know who your next adventure will
be with
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Geek instructions for sex........! |
1)
Make sure your compatible.
2) View the accesories
3) Put disc in slot
4) Make sure you've got enough RAM
5) Send and download sensitive materials and be careful you don't get
a virus
6) It may be necessary to clear up the desktop afterwars
|
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Funny Book Titles....... |
Over The Cliff by Hugo First.
The Cat's Revenge by Claude Bottom.
Modern Giants by Hugh Mungous.
Rusty Bedsprings by I.P. Nightly.
Chicken Dishes by Nora Drumsticks.
Slept Right Throught It by R.E. Classes.
Severed Joints by Arm Less.
Outer Space by A. Leanne.
Women Rule by Iam Write.
The End of the World by Armageddin Outtahere
Blonde Hair by Bim Bow
Hide and Seek by I.C. You
Dangerous Animals by Mann Eaters
I'm Gods Gift to Women by P. Rick
Advanced Maths by Smart E. Pants
Bubbles in the Bathtub by Ivor Windybottom.
A Stitch in Time by Justin Case
Chest Pain by I. Coffalot
Bad Falls by Eileen Dover
Run to the Loo by Willie Makeit
Body Parts by Anne Atomy
Drinking Problems by Imorf Mihead
Waste Dumps by I. Saw
Chauvinistic Men by A. Lone
Where's the Toilet by Ivona Tinkle
Holiday Spots by Sandie Beaches
Drinking Problems by Al Coholic
Somethings Out There by Will B. Watchinu
A lot of Rain by Ingar Land
Free Willy by Freda Wale
One Night Stands by Amanda Use
Uncomfortable Feelings by Jock Strap
Erotic Adventures by Oliver Klozoff.
Moon Phases by Seymour Butts
How to Get Rid of Unwanted Guests by Bea O'Problem
Land Ahoy by I.C.Fields (By Gil)
Great Sex by Ivana Humoalot (By Saz)
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Women's Specials.......! |
1. "Ladies first"
2. They can fake orgasms.
3. They get into nightclubs cheaper.
4. They get free drinks in bars.
5. They live longer, so They inherit the men's money, house and life
insurance.
6. They dont get beer bellies, facial hair or prostate problems.
7. They can get pissed just a few pints.
8. Its ok to like boybands, musicals, soppy movies without
questioning Their sexuality.
9. Men love gay women.
10. Car insurance is cheaper for women.
11. They've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure
in a computer game.
12. They can see a male stripper without being called a pervert.
13. Its ok to cry.
14. Chocolate always makes Them feel better.
15. Angry outbusts can be blamed on PMS.
16. If They forget to shave, They just wear trousers (pants).
17. They can hug Their friends without wondering if she thinks
They're gay.
18. They're NOT men.
19. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
20. When women are short, They're petite, when men are short, they're
just short.
21. Their friends don't pick on Them if They arent sleeping with
anyone.
22. They have better fashion sense.
23. They can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return.
24. Their brains are larger and NOT in Their genitalia.
25. Women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you guys didnt
know)
26. PMS is a legal defense for murder.
27. 2 words- multiple orgasms.
28. You never have to worry about whether your child is really yours.
30. No one cares how large your clitoris is.
31. You never have to expose your genitals to others in a public
restroom.
32. You can still have teddie bears around at any age.
33. You're always Daddy's lil' girl no matter how old you are. |
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Site Note Board....... |
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OYO people this website was built specially
for you all to enjoy your time over here. Here in this corner
every thing is free for fun. Wish you all the best ......
Please Sign My
Guest Book .....
Thank You
For Visiting
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