Because they haven't got any cups!

They're both useless in Europe

St Peter tells him he can't come in "because we don't allow your sort in here". The Scum fan is obviously distraught and tells St Peter how he has been a good guy, despite beng a scum fan, and how "only yesterday" he had given £10 to a homeless man to get some food with, and how the week before he had given another £10 to a single Mum who was in need, to help feed her child.

St Peter says "OK, I'll see what the guv'nor says" and disappears for half an hour. When he returns, the guy is all hopeful, but St Peter tells him "The Guv'nor says there's your £20, now fuck off!"

One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?", "I'm going to say mass at St. Josephs church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest.

"No problem Father. I'll give you a lift, climb in."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the bastard. However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit the Manchester United fan."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got the fucker with the door!"

Chris Tarrant: "Paddy you've done very well so far - £64,000 and 1 life left - phone a friend, the next question will give you £125,000 if you get it right but if you get it wrong you will be out of the game and drop to £32,000 - are you ready?"

Paddy : "For sure Chris I am."

Chris : "On the screen is a photo of a current Manchester United player as a baby - which Manchester United player is it - now think about this carefully Paddy its worth £125,000 only 3 questions away from the million."

Paddy : "I think I know who it is ........er....but I'm not 100% sure, no I'm sure its Beckham, I'm sure its Beckham (pause) can I phone a friend Chris just to be sure?"

Chris: "Yes Paddy who do you want to phone?"

Paddy : "I'll phone Murphy."

(ringing)

Murphy : "Hello?"

Chris : "Hello Murphy its Chris Tarrant here from who wants to be a millionaire - I have Paddy O'Reilly here and he is doing really well on £64,000 but needs your help to get to £125,000 - Murphy are you next to the fax machine as this is a visual question I'm faxing you a photo now have you received it?"

Murphy : "Yes."

Chris: "The next voice you hear will be Paddys - he'll explain the question and you have 30 seconds to answer - fire away Paddy."

Paddy : "Murphy that photo is a baby photo of what current Man Utd player. I'm sure its Beckham what do you think?"

Murphy : "Its never Beckham its obviously Schmicheal".

Paddy : "You think?"

Murphy : "I'm sure."

Paddy : "Thanks Murphy"(hangs up).

Chris : "Well a difference of opinion - do you want to stick on £64,000 or play on for £125,000 Paddy?"

Paddy : "I want to play, I am so sure its Beckham I am going to go with me first answer - Beckham."

Chris : "Is that your final answer?"

Paddy : "It is."

Chris : "Are you confident?"

Paddy : "Yes fairly."

Chris : "Paddy .....you had 64,000 and you said Beckham - if its right you win £125,000 if its wrong you go away with £32,000 - Paddy (drum roll) It was wrong - sorry Paddy.

Here is your cheque for £32,000 you have been a great contestant and a real gambler -audience please put your hands together for Paddy."

(clapping ..................)

Paddy : "Before I go Chris - what was the correct answer its killing me."

Chris : "Andy Cole."

They have concluded that the reason Arsenal have been so successful is because they hired a manager who's name is similar to the team (Arsene).....therefore, Man Utd have approached Stefan Kuntz to become their new boss.......

"Twelve dollars for rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a hundred dollar more for story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, windows, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge, a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamppost, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.

WHOOOSH! Pulling his legs up and clinging to the lamppost, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering... do you have a sculpture of a Manchester United supporter?"

A: Diahorrea.

A: It might be your bicycle.

A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

A: Not enough sand.

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

A: Their personalities.

A: Shoot the United fan. Twice.

"What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend replies, "I ran over David Beckham".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, he tried to escape through the park."

Tom Thumb says: "I bet I'm the smallest person in the whole wide world!"

So snow white says: And I bet I'm the prettiest in the whole wide world!

So Quazimodo says: "Well, I must be the ugliest in the world!"

So, Tom thumb goes out in the world to do a survey on small people. he comes back and says: "yep, it's confirmed, I am the smallest person in the whole wide world!"

So, Snow white goes out and does exactly the same, and comes back and says: "yep, me too, it's confirmed, I am the prettiest person in the world!"

So, Quazimodo says: "If you're the smallest, and you're the prettiest, I MUST be the ugliest!"

So off he goes to do a survey.

When he comes back he's crying his eyes out. Snow white askes him: "What's wrong?"

Quazimodo replies: "Who the fuck is Garry Neville?"

A: Scunthorpe, Arsenal, and Manchester F*****g United.

A: Two, one two change the light bulb and the other to drive up from London.

A: It saves time.

A: So they know which end to wipe.

A: Opposites attract.

A: Gifted.

A: Depends how thin you slice them!

A: A bus load of Man Utd fans going over a cliff!

A: So they have something to lift at the end of the season!

Alone.

It takes too long to retrain them.

You can park in the handicap zone.

Change.

Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."

A Space Invader.

The back of his head.

Tell him a joke on Friday night!

Toes Go In First.

Wave to him.

The cow fell on him.

There's a stamp on it.

He moved.

'Well it is simple. I sometimes ask my players a difficult question, and that way they stay really sharp mentally'

Of course Fergie wants an example, so Wenger asks Bergkamp to come over to the sidelines. He asks:

'Dennis, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?'

'That is not difficult', Dennis answers immediately, 'Of course that is me'

'You see? That's the way you keep them sharp' , Wenger says to Fergie.

Ferguson, who wants to win the double also, decides to bring this into Manchester United's practice the next day. He calls David Beckham over to the sidelines.

'David, I have a question for you', he says, 'He is not your brother, but still he is your father's son, who is he?'

'My God, Coach', is the Spice Boy's reply, 'That is a tough one to answer, can I sleep on that for one night? Why did you ask me this question, anyway?'

Fergie explains it has to do with some continental coaching trick and agrees with the one night postponement. So that night Beckham decides to call Jaap Stam. He has played on the continent, maybe he knows something about these continental coaching methods.

'Jaap, maybe you know the answer to this question, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?'

'That is easy, that is me!', says Jaap Stam.

So the next day David walks full of confidence to Ferguson. Fergie asks:

'David, do you know the answer to my question now?'

'Yes it was actually very easy', he says, 'Is it Jaap Stam?'

Ferguson answers: 'No of course not you stupid b*****d. It's Dennis Bergkamp.'

The Bucket

A: Who cares? As long as the lightbulb is changed every 3 months, costs 30 quid and comes in a different colour.

Teddy Sherringham, as he only wears the red top once a year and then disappears for another 364 days.

A: 540,001. That's one to change it, 40,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit! In fact, it could be argued 540,002, as someone will have to compare the light bulb to George Best.

A: They both go to pieces in the box.

A jet engine eventually stops whining!!!!

Seven, one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone out!

They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.

A passing reporter saw the whole event and sees his chance to fill the front page. He rushes over and, whilst congratulating the boy on such a brave act, he begins to scribble the headline of the story.....

"LIVERPOOL FAN SAVES BOYS LIFE!"

he writes. "But I'm not a Liverpool fan", says the boy, somewhat offended. "Oh sorry", says the reporter changing his headline to -

"EVERTON FAN IS HERO IN DOG ATTACK!"

"But I'm not an Everton fan" says the boy. "Well which team do you support?" asked the exasperated reporter. "Man United" says the boy proudly. "Oh", says the reporter changing his headline to:

"SCUM BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET"

They're both fucking useless footballers!

545,001. One to change it, 45,000 to pretend they've been changing it for years, and 500,000 to buy the commemorative T-shirt.

He works so hard you'd think there was two of them.

On His 'Goal'...

In the end I think it went to a Rick O'Shea.

On Training...

The Gaffer put us into groups in training, he said Keane,Butt,Giggs, so I did.

Roy Keane was recently quizzed by police about an alleged, unprovoked attack on a pregnant woman. When asked why he attacked the woman, he replied:

"I didn't realise that she was pregnant, I thought that it was a 50-50 ball that she had up her jumper!!!"

Have you heard about the new Roy Keane alarm clock.....

It goes off every 20 minutes

"Hello boss, it's David Beckham"

"Yes David what can i do for you"

"Well boss, Posh has gone out and bought me a jigsaw to do. The problem is that it's impossible"

"What's it supposed be?"

"The picture on the box is of a chicken, but like I said it's really doing head in and if I don't get it finished by Saturday I won't be able to concentrate on the game"

Ferguson starts to panic now,"I'll tell you what David bring it round here and we'll both have a go"

"Cheers boss, that's brilliant"

About half an hour later Beckham turns up at Ferguson's house with the jigsaw under his arm and Ferguson lets him in. They walk into the kitchen, and Beckham tips the pieces on to the table. Ferguson looks at Beckham,

"David, put the fucking cornflakes back in the box"

Ones a Glue less Kit and the other one's a CUNT

Posh Spice doesn't kick out when taken from behind.

"No", he replies, "just a half, then I'm off".

They've both been f***ed by David Beckham...

A: It's the onlyplace in the world with no atmosphere!

"I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes, and everything you wish for wish for, you shall get, but every Manchester United fan will get twice what you wish for."

"Fair enough", says the man." I wish for 1 million quid".

"You understand that every one of the scum will receive £2 million?"

"Yep, I can live with that"

And, lo and behold, there apperars a case of £50 notes.

"Now I wish for Liverpool to win the European Cup for 10 years running"

"You understand that this means Manchester United will win the Cup 20 years running?"

"Yep, I can live with that"

And, lo and behold, there apperars a sports almanack from the year 2050 showing the English dominance of the European Cup

"Final wish"

After some thought the Liverpool fan replies:

"I'd like to give a kidney transplant......"

A So they can be nearer their fan base

A: He'd had it two years before he realised he could listen to it in the afternoon.

"Look guys, I know they're shite..", explains Arsene, "but we have to play them to keep the FA happy".

"I'll tell you what..", pipes up Bergkamp, "You guys go down the pub and I'll play them on my own, how does that sound?".

"Seems reasonable.", replies Arsene and the other lads, and with that they all go down the Highbury Tavern and start playing pool. After an hour or so, Vieria remembers the match and flicks to pub telly onto Ceefax: Arsenal 1 (Bergkamp 10min), Manchester Utd 0 - is the score line. Couple of minutes later they recheck the score and it is Arsenal 2 (Bergkamp 11min), Manchester Utd 0 "- Confidently they resume their pool match for the next hour until switching back to Ceefax, the final score reads: Arsenal 2 Manchester Utd 1 (Giggs 89min).

"WHAT!!",they exclaim and run back to Highbury where they find Dennis sitting in the dressing room with his head in his hands.

"What the *.!$% happened, Dennis?", bellows Tony Adams.

"Sorry lads", Bergkamp replies, "Bloody ref sent me off in the 12thminute".

"If you can get across this river without being eaten by the crocodiles" he said, "I'll give you my pot of gold...".

"No problem" says the Englishman. He gets halfway across before being swallowed by an enormous crocodile.

The Scotsman goes next but almost as soon as he touches the water, a croc. gets him. Finally it's the Irishman's turn. Before diving in, he gets out a permanent marker and writes "MANCHESTER UNITED FOR THE LEAGUE AND CUP DOUBLE, 1999-2000" on his shirt. He then dives in and swims all the way across, no problem.

"That's amazing" says the leprechaun, "How on earth did writing "MANCHESTER UNITED FOR THE LEAGUE AND CUP DOUBLE, 1999-2000" stop the crocodiles from eating you?"

"Well", says the Irishman, "MANCHESTER UNITED FOR THE LEAGUE AND CUP DOUBLE, 1999-2000? Not even a crocodile can swallow that!!"

"I'd break a leg to get into your knickers"

"You're the ninth girl I've tried to dance with tonight"

"I've already jumped on Simon Colosimo's bones - now I'd like to jump on yours!!!"

"No honestly love... I am Dwight Yorke!"

"I meant to ask your mate to dance, but I missed"

"Wanna get legless?!"

"Did you say your name was Sue?"

"Can I have some cod and chips"

Upon seeing that it was Giggs, they see it as an oppurtunity to overcharge him

"That'll be 48 pounds please"

Being the wanker Giggs is, he pays for it and walks out. When he reaches the door he bumps into Alex Ferguson.

"I can't believe it, I just paid 48 pounds for cod and chips"

Ferguson: " I know how you feel, I just paid 10.6million for a pudding"