These rules are intended to make the school a safe, pleasant and efficient place in which to work and play by encouraging courteous and considerate behaviour.

Respect for the school (to earn school respect)

1.        Pupils must at all times conduct themselves properly so as to bring credit to (themselves, their parents and) the school - this is because the teachers are a bunch of tramps, so the pupils are relied on to keep the school looking smart.

2.        The Official school uniform must be worn during school hours and when travelling to and from school. - This is to guarantee getting beaten up at least twice a year during school journeys.  The reason all non-school uniform is banned is so that the teachers can confiscate all the good clothes and keep them for themselves.

3.        No jewellery (except for plain stud or sleeper ear-rings) or make-up may be worn during school hours other than by those in the sixth form.  - this request was made by Miss Wills while she was there to stop anyone looking better than her but all the female english teachers feel the same way and so the rule was kept after she left.

4.        Pupils are forbidden to smoke when in school uniform.  They may not carry matches, lighters, cigarettes or tobacco, nor potentially dangerous items such as fireworks. - only chain smokers as Mr Eales can do this.  Carrying lighters could end up in deliberate accidents in the science labs.  Despite this rule, avoid fags and follow Mr York's example by smoking pot.

5.        There is to be no eating in the classrooms or the corridors.  Chewing gum is forbidden. - no food can be eaten in school as this will give pupils the energy to: escape, work hard or actually win at sport.  You may want to buy food from the cafeteria but be warned!  You can pay extortionate prices for a sausage roll.   Incidentally all the proceeds from the cafeteria go towards Mr Drew's speech therapy and his plans to overcome Europe.

6.        Litter must be disposed of in the bins provided. - so Terry can have a good meal with his family at the end of the day. HINT - used chewing gum is considered a speciality in the Keeble household.  So despite the rule - chew chewing gum just for the fat boy !!!

Rules for your safety and that of your property

7.        All books and articles of clothing must be marked clearly with the owner's name.  Any articles or money found should be handed into the member of staff responsible for lost property. - you only get back from lost property what Mrs Plume has filtered through and not flogged for dental treatment.  Lost keys shall never ever be found in lost property as the Lower school office will try the house keys of every house in the local area.

8.        Pupils should not bring valuables (eg. radios, tape recorders) or large sums of money to school. When, on rare occasions, this is necessary, the item should be handed in for safe-keeping. Money and valuables must never be left in the classrooms, cloakrooms, changing rooms, playground, etc. - safe keeping means exactly what it says.   It will be so safe that no-one will ever see it again!

9.        No pupil is allowed off the school premises during the school day (which includes the lunch-time) without special permission. - this is so that you don't leak information to outsiders eg. the police.  Also, not being able to go outside means you HAVE to buy the school's food  (mmmmmmm crusty pizza !!!)

Safety and respect for others

10.      Movement about the building must be quiet and orderly, keeping to the left in corridors and on staircases. - This rule is non-existent anyway.  Teachers really require all students to push and shove all the way to next lesson because it takes up all their energy and so there is none left for the next lesson or to escape !!!

11.      Only pupils having permission to cycle may bring their bicycles to school.  They may not be ridden in the school grounds and must be left padlocked in the stands provided - this rule is also never enforced.  This rule again was made because of the worry of quick escapes by students.  The so called stands that are provided consists of a rusty frame that doesn't even keep the rain out.  Be warned though, the sheds are in such a hidden area that nobody would ever get caught stealing your bike!!!

12.      Permission from parents and the Head of Section must be obtained before a car or motor-bike is brought to school.   These must always be parked on the school grounds and driven with great caution when on the premises. - teachers live by this rule: "always try and run over any pupil running across the Car Park to the buses.  It serves the buggars right."  Cheers Miss Fox!!

Guidance for parents on such matters as homework and school absence for holidays or for medical treatment can be found in the school prospectus - the school actually gives very little homework to do because it hopes that the pupils will forget what a torturous day they've had at school.

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