In The News:

What do you think of when you see a bunch of rich old men calling each other names like they were back in the elementary school playground? You got it, it's an election. The most childish aspect of the 2000 campaign so far is the Republican Primary race.

In the good ol' boy corner, we have the illustrious governor of Texas, George W. Bush. Let me tell you, he has done so many great things in this state. For example....uh...well...There's that time that he....uh...nevermind. Oh, yeah, he reformed...uh...no, that wasn't him. I do know that he made some really great speaches...in Iowa. To tell you the truth anyone in Texas (except for Governor Bush, himself) would be hard pressed to name any three pieces of useful legislation that he passed, or even tried to pass. The funny thing is that now he is on the campaign trail for President. Along the way, he is calling his republican buddies all sorts of names, some of which, once you remove the political rhetoric, boil down to nothing more than "doodie head." The question in the minds of Texans is, "Where the hell have you been for the last seven years?" With our governor finally emerging from his cave in Austin for the first time since his re-election in '98, there are quite a few people who are trying to figure out why they elected him in the first place.... To Ann Richards: We're sorry, we were wrong, we can admit it now.

In the other corner, taking the place of the bankrupt Elizabeth Dole, is (former) republican Pat Robertson. In a teary eyed speach, he regailed the world about the evil of the Republican party, and how he was renouncing his life-long membership for the Reform Party (don't worry, I've never heard of it before, either). After such a stirring speach, the question on the minds of Americans is, "Why,...should we care?" Admit it, Pat, you withdrew from the Republicans because you knew they would never nominate you over George, Jr. Nice try, though...good speech. Although, it was even better when Strom Thurmond used it back in '92.

Who's left? Oh, yeah, Dandy Dan Quayle. Three words, "snowball in hell". Enough said.

I have a favor to ask. When all of the speaches are done...when all of the kiddies have called each other names...when the smoke clears in November of 2000...