Murphy's Laws of Combat

from Pete's Humor Archive

 

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.

There is always a way.

The easy way is always mined.

Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a) when you're ready for them, b) when you're not ready for them.

Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.

The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.

When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

Never forget that your equipment is made by the lowest bidder.

No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.

All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets...printed at different scales.

All battles are fought uphill.

All battles are fought in the rain.

Logistics is the ball and chain of armored warfare.

The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.

What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.

Tracer works both ways.

War is like love. To triumph, you must make contact.

Boldness becomes rarer, the higher the rank.

Never reinforce failure. Failure reinforces itself.

Only 5% of an intelligence report is accurate. The trick of a good commander is to isolate the 5%.

Tactics is for amateurs; professionals study logistics.

When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he's fallen back too far.

It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.

No captain can do very wrong who places his ship alongside that of the enemy.

Only numbers can annihilate.

Priorities are made by officers, not God. There's a difference.

Always honor a threat.

The weight of all of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it.

Hell hath no fury like a non-combatant.

Fighter pilots make movies; attack pilots make history.

There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.

A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost.

Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a commander.

All warfare is based on deception.

A little caution outflanks a large cavalry.

No combat ready squad ever passed inspection. No inspection ready squad ever passed combat.

Five second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds.

Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share to take.

Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.

Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.

When in doubt empty the magazine.

Snow is not neutral.

The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire.

Diplomacy has rarely been able to gain at the conference table what cannot be gained or held on the battlefield.

War is the unfolding of miscalculations.

Perfect is the enemy of good enough.

He who wants do defend everything defends nothing.

If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.

Artillery adds dignity to what would otherwise be a vulgar brawl.

If at first you don't succeed, call for artillery. When that doesn't work, call for an air strike.

Mine fields are not neutral. They attack both armies.

The effective radius of a hand grenade is always greater than the distance you can jump.

The effective radius of a hand grenade is greater then the average grunt can throw it.

Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.

The mortar team will always have the correct number of safety pins to prove they armed all the rounds.

To ensure this, the mortar team caries extra pins.

There is no such thing as a convenient foxhole.

Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.

More aircraft are incapacitated by a shortage of spare parts than by enemy action.