Ultimate Weapons/Spells

I will never attend an auction of an Ultimate Weapon. If it's truly as good as advertised, the auctioneer would already be the Evil Overlord.

Any Ultimate Weapon that requires assembly of five components scattered to the four corners of the earth can be made in my private laboratory with three times the security in probably half the time.

Any Ultimate Weapon that was disassembled in the distant past and its components scattered to nearly inaccessible niches across the globe could not have been that great in the first place, or else it would never have been disassembled.

If my Ultimate Incantation or Supreme Summoning leaves me weak and vulnerable from the expenditure of energy, I will only undertake it deep in the center of my fortress, and get plenty of sleep before applying the results.

There is a reason why the spell book of the last Evil Empress is available to me. If I came into possession of it through any means that involved defeat of its power, I will use it as a doorstop only.

Instead of going through the trouble and risk of stealing a 200 MT nuclear device and ransoming a city for the billions of dollars I'll need for my Ultimate Diabolical Plan, I'll simply open a evangelical tele-ministry. That way I also get a bonus Fanatic Legion that will obey my every command, should I ever need such a a thing.

If I come into possession of, or manage to assemble the Ultimate Weapon, I will immediately use it at full power in direct pursuit of my goal of world domination. No warning shots across the bow, No "This is only a fraction of my weapon's potential!" grandstanding. I will also refrain from using the Ultimate Weapon for simply offing the Hero. If it's really the UW, the Hero's efforts will come to naught anyway.

No Ultimate Incantation that requires sacrifice of a Virgin is worth the trouble of a) securing such a rarity and b) relying on a quality that is so easily cured by an amorous Hero or Heroine in less than a minute of stolen time.

If my superweapon can be controlled by computers or other electronic/electrical means, then there is no need for there to be only one set of controls right next to the main power source. A fake set, directly connected to a multi-amp circuit, will occupy this location.

While it may be tempting to use an Ultmate Weapon or Spell with a rare, almost impossible to exploit, Tiny Flaw to accomplish my goals, if many Penultimate Weapons or Spells with no such flaw can achieve the same effect, I will employ them instead.

I will not use area-effect, mind-altering spells as a long term solution to civil unrest. a) They wear off, or eventually the subjects gain or breed immunity, and the population I made to love me will grow to hate me. b) Outsiders not falling to the initial spell will quickly become suspicious at my subjects' mindless happiness and obeisance, and try to do something about it.

Fortress Construction

If I ever have real reason to install any type of self-destruct mechanism, it will only be triggerable at the heart of the device/ship/fortress and it will implode from the outside rather than explode from the inside.

My Command Center will have a heavily guarded room at the bottom of a 100 story subterranean shaft that will contain a sophisticated bus-sized computer with a fake encoded plan, no external link, and no real function whatsoever. The real command center will be a satellite-linked laptop on a card-table with a folding chair at the top of the elevator shaft, behind a door marked 'standpipe valves' accessible through the unlocked janitor's closet.

If at all possible, no exhaust ports will lead directly to the heart of the reactor core. If that is unavoidable, all such exhaust ports will have closeable reinforced blast doors every other level and alternate routes of venting in case of emergency.

All my computer systems will have uninterruptible power supplies. All my circuitry will use breakers or fuses of the appropriate tolerances.

It is never necessary to store explosive materials and/or fuel anywhere near my central control or commuter complex. If for some reason such a situation should come about, they will not be in the same room as the central computer. They will be in a concrete bunker protected by blast doors and fire prevention systems. The same goes for the vats of toxic waste, acids, and super-cold liquids.

All non-instantaneous deathtraps (drowning pools, trash compactors, gas chambers, etc.) in my Fortress will be isolated from the communications and power grids.

I must assume that deathtrap manufacturers' brochures base their Estimated Time to Kill (ETK) on tests using non-heroes (and moreover generally test only the minimum ETK). Therefore, Heroes trapped in one of my non-instantaneous deathtraps will remain there a minimum of several times longer than its ETK, and even then will be treated as potentially dangerous until any remains are incinerated.

All deathtraps will have only one way in or out -any way out leading to an even more cunning deathtrap that works faster.

Alliances of Evil

I will never enter into an alliance I am not sure I can betray if I need to. I will always assume my new allies have this same condition.

When it is time to unite all the diverse underworld organizations into a single cohesive crime syndicate, the meeting with all my fellow under-bosses will not feature the elimination of the vociferous objectors and intimidation of the rest. It will feature the deputization of the most powerful that I can control easily and the elimination of the rest

Gender Non-specific Evil Miscellany or Good Advice for the Evil at Heart

My planned assault on the rebel base will take place after my assault on the rebel base.

If my objective is world domination, I will not be tempted by tantalizing opportunities for absolute power, which invariably backfire. If my objective is absolute power, I will consider settling for world domination.

If I can't execute the Hero immediately, I can take the time to completely - and I mean no finger, toe, or tongue wiggling - immobilize him.

One of my close advisors will be a prolific hack novelist. If my plan matches or mimics any of his plots, it will be summarily rejected.

I've murdered tens of thousands in cold blood. If I can't ice the sad-eyed puppy too, I don't deserve the job.

If a messenger interrupts me during a meal, meeting, bath, or romantic encounter, I will first assume he has a real, urgent reason for doing so. He'll be executed only if the interruption was indeed pointless.

If I must fight hand to hand, no matter how I outclass my opponent in skill and finesse, I will fight dirty and get the job done as quickly as possible.

Total commitment is essential: if I discover that I have not truly and completely gone over to the Dark Side, I will immediately cease all world-domination efforts until that last morsel of Goodness can be expunged.

The "safety" switch on my personal blaster and laser sword will in fact be a "reverse" or "overload" switch.

If I cannot take the time to create and remember a nonsensical 12 digit password with numbers, symbols, and alternate cases, I might well keep my Ultimate Plan in an ASCII file on my desktop.

Any captured-and-released or -escaped Hero will have numerous tracking devices of several levels of detectibility installed in his effects, vehicles, and person, at least one of which will have been ingested with his last food or drink. Even so, I will never fail to put up a serious effort to track or intercept him by other means as well.

If my Evil Offspring is corrupted by the forces of Good, I will not try to attempt to bring him back to the Dark Side. I will give him up as a lost cause, eliminate him if he goes against me, and find a suitable Evil protégé somewhere else.

I will exploit my subjects, but not to the point of destitution, decrepitude, or desperation. I'm Evil, not Stupid.

If I need to detain the Hero for more than two minutes, he will be summarily strip-searched, relieved of all personal effects and clothing (especially belts, vests, random jewelry, and shoes) and given the regulation blaze orange disposable prisoner jumpsuit to wear. The Hero's effects will be carefully analyzed and items such as ring-lasers, belt communicators etc. will be destroyed or deactivated, booby trapped, or otherwise compromised if they are to be returned.

If reputable prophecy dictates I will be defeated/killed by a certain person or event, I will not waste time trying to eliminate him or prevent it. I will enjoy my power for all its worth, as long as I can, meanwhile devoting reasonable energies in a search for new prophecies that will get me out of the first one.

I will always keep a few Useless but Loyal Advisors on the payroll and in proximity to both help my enemies underestimate me and provide a few extra bodies between the enemy and myself should my defenses be penetrated.

Mind-controlled or love-potioned subjects will be left enough free will that they do not have to be specifically ordered to perform useful actions such as enabling my escape, administering medical help, or otherwise coming to my aid.

My Secret Police will be instructed to concentrate on Genuine Threats To My Reign. They do not need to waste time and resources investigating/persecuting every last disgruntled peasant, unless it's a slow day and there's really nothing else for them to do.

Instead of killing, imprisoning, or brainwiping the witnesses to my mistakes, I will instead apply equivalent, if not greater effort toward avoiding mistakes.

In the event of failure, I will consider the possibility that my enemies are proficient and intelligent before assuming incompetence or betrayal on the part of my advisors.

If there is any doubt about whether or not my enemies know something, I will act on the assumption that they do know. Unless it is important to my plans that they know, in which case I will make sure the information is leaked to them from an unimpeachable source.

I will encourage general promiscuity, restrict access to birth control, and provide the best in STD research/prevention and pre-and post-natal care. The resultant population will be more satisfied and complacent, and will fuel my war machines, production, dressmaking, and general fun.

Tips for Evil Geniuses and Scientistsor: How not to be a Deranged Evil Genius or Mad Scientist

I will not experiment on myself.

I will not transplant my mind into the Hero's brain when my test monkey is still in the laboratory.

None of my super-weapons will have a "reverse" switch.

My secret lab/lair will have excellent ventilation, automatic sprinklers, and halon extinguishers handy at every bench.

My glass flask holders, test tube racks, and bunsen-burner heated apparati will be anchored to the floor or wall, not balanced precariously on a wobbly table.

Any ability enhancing formula that has potential degenerative or addictive effects may be suitable to use on the Controlled Masses, but not on myself.

My high-energy sealed test chamber will only be activatable from the outside by the combination of my hand and retinal print. If someone has relieved me of my hand and eye to get them, I'd rather be dead anyway.

If I can splice genes to create a 60 meter long killer cockroach, I can also insert in said creation a susceptibility to my custom formula of Raid, which I can carry in a convenient key chain mace canister.

Experimental monster creations will not only have one immediately lethal vulnerability only I can exploit, but until my Diabolical Plan is ready to implement, they will also have an addiction to a material only I can supply, without which they will die in a day or two.

I will always have an open airplane ticket to New Zealand on hand in case my current project escapes my laboratory, starts mutating beyond control, or starts talking back to me in a belligerent fashion.

I will personally select the brain to be used in my life-creation experiment.

If I need one liter of my secret formula to implement my Diabolical Plan, I will produce ten liters and store the other nine safely in different caches.

I will always carry the antidote on my person. But it will be in a vial marked 'poison reserve.' The poison reserve will be in the vial marked 'antidote.'

If I am working on an optical mind control device, I will remove all extraneous mirrors from the lab and wear polarized contact lenses at all times.

I will test the strength, power, and weaknesses of all monsters I create. Better to pull back and send two monsters next time than lose one due to simple poor planning.

Experiments requiring a human test subject shall be performed on kidnapped anti-social bums who live alone in large cities, not someone who people will notice the disappearance of, like a female student at the local high school.

If I really must have a teenage girl to perform my experiments on for some reason, I will not choose the buxom cheerleader whose courageous and handsome boyfriend is captain of the football team. Instead, I will choose the mousy quiet girl whose only likely boyfriend is the nervous head of the Dungeons and Dragons club, who I can probably co-opt if I need to.

I will remember that any robot/device/mental power that can be remotely controlled from ten feet can, with sufficient preparation, effort, and/or energy, be remotely controlled from 100 miles or more.

Feeding of Ravenous Caged Beasts will be taken care of my reduntant, automatic Beast Feeders or, if the compound is well sealed by me, extraneous underlings. No underling (espacially one with a girlfreind to impress) will ever be given the keys to the cages.

My Android Armies will be capable of independent action not rely on a central brain for coordination. Further, they will have logic-loop rejection procedures to prevent paralisis by "Everything I say is a lie" type statements.

If I have underlings who follow orders literally (AI or robotic guardians, brainwashed minions, etc.), I will make their orders as clear and specific as possible. I will specify IN ADVANCE that orders such as "Kill everyone in this room!" or "Allow no one to enter or leave!" automatically include the proviso "Except for me." Also, they will be directed to ignore orders that would harm me. It would be undignified to die because I got frustrated and sarcastically said "Kill me now!"

After unleashing the computer virus which will inititate my Diabolic Plan and bring about the downfall of the free world I will ensure that the original copy of the virus is deleted from my hard drive, and destroy all hard copy notes on the construction of said virus.

Advice for Aliens and Monsters on the Rampage.

Inoculate before invasion.

Don't terrorize around nuclear power stations.

No matter how pretty the girl, leave her alone. Almost guaranteed your anatomies, much less your biologies are not compatible.

If your planet desperately needs women, chances are you can get them without invasion by simply offering job and pay equity.

Don't route all power through the Mothership.

Don't climb tall buildings to evade capture unless you can fly from the top.

Don't lay your eggs in a major metropolitan subway system or stadium. Find a nice secluded cave.

If you can outbreed your enemies, don't go for the brute force takeover.

Conduct all planning sessions in your own planet's toungue. A group of non-humans speaking English are just asking for intelligence intercepts.

Eat the prisoners. It solves many later problems before they crop up. If you CAN'T eat the prisoners, why are you invading?

The pre-invasion scouting efforts should include time spent at a regional office of Greenpeace. Examine the list of life forms COMPLETELY WIPED OUT by the locals. If any resemble your forces, especially the warrior caste, pick another planet.

Invade a kindergarten first. If you can't handle the house-apes, you have no business invading the planet.

A large enough group of human prisoners will invariably contain one person willing to sell out his own mother to survive the invasion. AND/OR one person willing to sacrifice his mother to trick you into trusting him until it is too late. If your technology or internal politics cannot easily deal with this problem, pick another planet. (Or eat the prisoners, see above.)