if u got something funny by all means E-Mail it me i will give it the once over
TEN THINGS Men Know About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts.
Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q. What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
A. You have to beg a woman to blow your dick.
Q. How is a woman like a laxative?
A. They both irritate the shit out of you.
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A. It's Braille for "suck here".
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.
Q. Why do women have tits?
A. So men will talk to them.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A. You come in one and go in the other.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence.
and finally...
Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your
house and car with them...
USS Lincoln
This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a U.S. Naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to
avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your
course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship
in the United States Atlantic fleet.
We are accompanied by three destroyers,
three cruisers and numerous support vessels.
I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or
counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
A Deep-sea Diver is 40-feet under water.....
when he spots a guy with no scuba gear on.
He takes out a waterproof board and writes
"How can you stay down here with no diving equipment ?"
The other man takes the board and writes
"IME DROWNING YOU STUPID CUNT"
THREE COUPLES GO CAMPING........
but one couple forgets there tent.
It is decided that the men will sleep in one tent,
and the women in the other.
At about 1 am Jake wakes up and nudges Mark.
"Look at this hard-on ive got".
Ime going over to the other tent to see my wife straight away.
Do you want me to come with you, asks Mark.
"Why the fuck would I want that asks Jake"
"CO's THAT MY DICK YOU'RE HOLDING"
MARTIN IS IN BED WITH SARAH........
but he cant get it up.
she says "well do something.............put your toe in."
He does this and she rides his toe.
A week later his toe is itching.
He goes to see the doctor,
who says "you seem to have syphilis of the big toe."
"Wow I bet that's rare," says Martin.
It is," says the doctor, "but not as rare as the women that was in this morning
WITH ATHLETES PUSSY."
KEITH WALKS INTO A RESTAURANT..................
and orders a bowl of vegetable soup.
The waitress points to the man at the next table and says,
"Sorry that gentlemen had the last bowl."
Keith orders a cup of coffee and, as the waitress goes to fetch it,
the man at the next table gets up to leave.
His bowl is still full.
" Are you going to eat that ?" asks Keith
The other man offers him the bowl.
Keith starts to eat, but halfway down he finds a dead rat
and pukes the soup back into the bowl.
"Yeah," says the other man, "THAT'S AS FAR AS I GOT, TOO."
TERRY AND GARY ARE HAVING A DRINK............
"When I die," says Terry, "and I am lying in my coffin, Ide like them to say,
that I have been a wonderful father and a great husband."
Gary replies, "I'de like them to say, "I THINK I SAW HIM MOVE."
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses,
mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch
TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."
A little while later, a man sat down next to the old cowboy and asked, "Are
you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian"
It was the 2nd grade teacher's birthday and every child was giving her a special gift.
Anna's mother owned a flower shop, so Anna gave the teacher some beautiful flowers.
Robert's parents owned a candy shop.
Robert gave the teacher a wonderful box of assorted candies.
Then it was little Johnny's turn.
Johnny's dad owned a liquor store! So Johnny brought a big box for his teacher.
When Johnny handed the box to his teacher, she noticed that the bottom of the box was wet.
So she put her finger on it and tasted.
Is it wine? the teacher asked. No, its not wine! Johnny replied. She tasted it
again. Hmmm. Is it some sort of liquor? Nope, its not liquor! said Johnny.
She tasted it again and was puzzled. Well, Johnny, I give up.
What is it? Johnny was excited.
Its a puppy! he said.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce.
The long walks we used to take.
The long drives.
The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend the weekends with him.
Oh, and the advice he used to give! Too bad much of it was wasted because I was relatively young when he died.
If he were alive today and passing down his gems of wisdom you could bet I'd be a better man. Some pearls he'd given me I've never forgotten.
I would accompany him on his daily walk, and he would point out various things worth noticing.
"That tree there is a Japanese elm. They grow fast; " or "During
the Great War I fed every wayfarer that crossed our doorstep."
Those things were well and good, but the thing I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice came as we were weeding his garden. We were working around the potato's when he paused, looked me in the eye and said,
"Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your dick look smaller."
MURDER MYSTERY?
There once was this case in a hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients
always died in the same bed and on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of
their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that
it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery...why death at 11 AM?
A world-wide team of experts was formed and they decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.
So on the next Sunday morning few
minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the
ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some
were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off
the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11
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Jose, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life
support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Actual Job Application...
This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted to
McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and
funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it
notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU
HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50
LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do
you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
A chicken and horse are best of friends.
One day while they were out in the field the horse slips into a mud pool and cannot get out.
The horse struggling to be free calls out to the chicken “Help, help.
Go and get the farmer and tractor to pull me out of this.”
So the chicken runs down to the farm in search of the farmer, but the farmer is nowhere to be found and the tractor is also missing.
So in a panic the chicken jumps into the farmers BMW and drives to the rescue.
When he gets to the mud pool he throws the horse a rope and says “grab hold of the rope and
I’ll pull you out with the BMW.”
The horse does this and is soon free.
A few days later they are once again playing in the field, when the chicken falls into a mud pool and gets stuck.
“Help, help!” cries the chicken, “get the farmer, get the tractor, get the bloody BMW.”
To this the horse says “hold on, hold on, wait a minute.
You know what I think I can straddle this pool.
” Which he did “OK now if you grab gold of my tackle you can pull your self up and I can walk you out to safety.”
So the chicken gets a firm mouth full of horse dick, and the horse pulls him to dry land.
The morel of this story being.
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Late one night a burglar broke into a house where he thought no one was at home.
He quietly walked into the living room and suddenly heard a voice say,
"Jesus is watching you."
He froze in his tracks; but after hearing nothing else for a couple of
minutes, he slowly crept forward and instantly heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
Frightened, he frantically shined his flashlight in the direction of the
voice and saw a bird cage with a parrot inside.
Cautiously he asked the parrot,
"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," replied the parrot.
Breathing a huge sigh of relief, the burglar asked the parrot,
"So, what's your name?"
The bird responded, "Clarence."
"What a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar.
"What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said,
"The same idiot who named the Rotweiler Jesus."
Little guy sitting at a bar.
When this big guy walks in and knock's the little guy of his bar stool.
And says
"that was a karate chop from japan".
The little guy gets up and sits back down, a few minutes later
the big guy knocks him off his stool again and says
"that was a judo chop from Korea".
So the little guy gets up and leaves.
A few minutes later the little guy comes back,
Walks up behind the big guy and, {{{{BAM}}}} knocks the big guy out cold ,
the little guy looks at the bar tender and says
"That was a crow bar from B&Q".
Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly
there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his
fore arm and the beeping stops. The others look at him
questioningly.
"That's my pager", he says.
"I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings.
The second man lifts his palm to his ear.
When he finishes he explains,
"That's my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."
The third man feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna.
A few minutes later he returns with a piece of
toilet paper extending from his butt.
The others raise their eyebrows.
"I'm getting a fax," he explains.
A father decides it is time to have the talk about the birds and bees with
his eleven year old son. So, he summoned his son and said, "Son I have to
talk to you about the birds and bees."
At this the boy got all excited screaming, "NO! NO! I don't want to have
this talk! Please don't make me!"
"Now calm down." Replies the father. "Why don't you want to talk about
this?"
"Well Dad, I been having these talks for the last five years.
When I was six you told me there was no Santa Claus.
At seven you said there was no Easter Bunny.
At eight the Tooth Fairy was a lie too you said and so on.
Now if your going to tell me that adults don't fuck, I won't have
anything else to live for!"
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.
"Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit
and a cup of fresh coffee?"
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something.
"A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich?
Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines.
"No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the
cafe and buy him a burger supper.
"Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or,
how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"
Once more, he declines.
"Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well then," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces,
his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations
of "WOW"! were heard.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says,
"Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed
25 pounds at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes
his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had
him circumcised."
There is a town in Herts named Tillit,
There is a pub in Tillit named the Cockwell Inn,
Lucy Lykes is the landlord of the pub.
Lucy's address is:-
Lucy Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Tillit Herts.
CHINESE PROVERBS
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
******
Man who run in front of car get tired.
******
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
******
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
******
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
******
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
******
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
******
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
******
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
******
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
******
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
******
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
******
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
******
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
******
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
******
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
******
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
******
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
******
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
******
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
******
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS
Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like,
"You know sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys.
But I've never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills.
She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies.
Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said,
"Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous body toning?"
Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch... do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much,
smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?
That is my idea of a perfect day.
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell.
When they arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.
The first guy says Its gotta be the booze, Ime always drunk The Devil
decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing but shelves of
every kind of alcohol you could dream of.
The guys thinking, Yeah! Look at all this alcohol! and runs into the room.
The second guy says, Its the women I could never stay faithful to my wife.
The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest-looking naked
women that you have ever seen And, he would be the only guy in there for 100 years.
He couldn't believe it.
He goes in and the Devil shuts the door.
The third man said Its gotta be the weed, Ime always tokin up The Devil
opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot tall, icky,
sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death weed.
The stoner cant believe it.
He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to
the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him
One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three men.
He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out.
He's got an empty bottle in one hand,he's completely naked,
hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke.
Ill never drink again!, he says.
The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to give him a
second shot at life.
The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even
faster than when he went in Ime gay! he screams.
The devil decides that at
least he learned not to cheat on his wife and gives him another chance as well.
The devil then comes to the third door, He opens it and nothing has changed.
The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was 100 years ago.
The devil asks him if he learned anything.
The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek and says "You got a light, Man?".
Gravity-Defying Tequila
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city.
He's downing tequila shots left and right.
He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out.
The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that.
He was more surprised when, ten
minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and
sits back down next to him.
The astonished guy asks "How did you do that?" I just saw you jump out that
window and we're hundreds of feet above the Ground!"
The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either.
I drink a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila make me slow down
right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, drinks it, goes to
the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the
guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet.
A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila.
He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps.
As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him,
"You're really a cunt when you're drunk, Superman."
An old man walked into a crowded doctor's office.
As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked,
"Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
"Because" replies the receptionist.
"You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of strangers.
You should have said there is
something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further
with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear" he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly.
"And what is wrong with your ear sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and, in the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine.
Understandably, this was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home, and then showed it to him.
He looked at it and calmly handed it back to her without a single word.
She finally asked him, " Well, what are we going to do about this?"
Dad looked at her, thought about it for a moment, and then firmly replied,
"Well, for starters, I don't think you should spank him."
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her.
So she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose.
" The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room.
" Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me".
So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vely bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease.
Worse case I ever see.
Dat why you not haf sex."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is
when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse."
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket,
where she selected a quart of milk,
a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out,
a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.
He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled, looked at the four items on the belt, and, seeing
nothing particularly unusual about her selections, said: "Well, y'know, that's right.
But how on earth did you know that?
The drunk said,
"Cause you're uglier 'n shit."
Why do lesbians have red noses?
Carpet burn.
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he had found a dead cat.
"How do you know it was dead", she asked.
"Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't
move."
2 newly weds on there wedding night...
shes a virgin and shes shaggin him to death
there shaggin for hours
and he has to stop cause its sore so he goes down stairs in the kitchen
and he s lookin for the cream to cool it down
and he sees a glass of milk
so... he dunks his balls and dick in it
his wife come up behind him n says,,,, ooohhh thats how u fill it up
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.
It read:
"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain
needs which you are no longer able to satisfy.
I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that
by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant.
I'll be home before midnight. -- Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this
letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy.
Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the
fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
A big heavy set housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen
floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Mike! I'm
paralyzed! I can't get up!"
He comes in, takes one look, and says, "Stand up, you silly old bat.
You're kneeling on one of your tits."
On a cross country trip a plane runs into a terrible storm.
The passengers are screaming as the plane gets pounded by wind, rain, hail and lightning.
They are certain the plane is going to crash and that they'll perish with it.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't
take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair.
If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman.
Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat.
As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt.
She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane.
He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die.
Are you interested?" Eagerly, she shakes her head and exclaims, "Yes!"
The man hands her his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."
Girl & her boyfriend go to the pub.
When it's the girl's turn to buy a round, she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful
new drink hesimply must try.
She returns with the usual half of lager for herself.
For him, she has two glasses.
One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.
Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's,
hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice.
" He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.
First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.
Then he takes the lime juice.
T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.
T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the color of fresh lime juice.
T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge.
T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear "Blowjobs revenge!"
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH :
1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3. a. You can legally kill yourself
b. You can legally be killed
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen
is your capital.....
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still
you've never seen your neighbours.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame
the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN :
1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your
country.
3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4. You are either
a.like the Dutch, just less efficient
b.like the French, just less romantic
c.like the Germans
5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and
they make fun of you.
7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders
10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Give them a second chance :
1. Oktoberfest.
2. Oktoberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
6. Mercedes.
7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail
in any other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10. Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH :
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican
Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex
with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the
morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on
Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street
humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody
seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN :
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour
ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing -
its fairly spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about
killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight
clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity
ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their
skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN :
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no
civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000
years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK :
1. You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture
most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2. The police is even more corrupt than the criminals they are
supposed to be chasing.
3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the
thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around
wretching their stomach contents up at the sight.
4. Old women can sport moustaches.
5. Young women can sport moustaches.
6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in
a zoo.
7. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of
the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8. You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to
let everyone else around the world know about it
9. Ridiculous bureaucracy.
10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.
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