What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.

Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: "Push ... Push ... Push!"
Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further."
Sign in a veterinary's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Did you hear about the new baby camel that didn't have a hump? ... His parents named him Humphrey.

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"

Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing.

A mom dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup"

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he/she had no guts!

What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.

What do you call a person with lepersy in a bath tub? Stew.

  What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
 Frostbite.

 Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
 Because they have big fingers.

 What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?
 Chocolate chimp cookies.

 What's a cat's favorite breakfast?
 Mice Krispies.

 How does a lion like his steak?
 Medium roar.

 What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
 French flies.

 What do cats like on their hot dogs?
 Mouse-tard.

 What's the difference between a porcupine and a luxury car?
 The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

 What's the definition of mixed emotions?
 When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

 What do elephants use for tampons?
 Sheep!

  Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?
 He's all-right now!

Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

How do you describe the average cannibal? A guy with a wife and ate children.

What do you give an elephant with diarreha? Lots of Room

Two men walk into a bar. You would think the second one would of ducked.

Why politicians don't enjoy the game of golf ... Because for them, it's too much like their work -- you know, being trapped in one bad lie after another.

What is a plumbers favorite flower? ... Draineeums.

What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River? ... WET rocks.

What does mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes.....

Whatdaya call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef. Whatdaya call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. Whatdaya call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he ain't gonna come anyway...

Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner and his wife gave him a cold shoulder?

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin' Catholic.

What's the worst part about eating vegetables? Those dumb wheelchairs.

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count. And those who can't.

What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.

What do you do with a dog that has no legs? Take him out for a drag.

Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

A pork pie walks into a bar and the barman says sorry we don't serve food in here.

What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield? His butt.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

What do you get when you put a canary in a blender? Shredded tweet

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay then they would be bagels.

What's clear and smells like carrots? A Rabbit fart.

What do you call a missing parrot? A polygon.

What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly unsaturated.

How is a divorce in West Virginia like a hurricane in Florida? Either way, you lose the trailer.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
 "Dam."

 How do crazy people go through the forest?
 They take the psycho path.

 What do you get from a pampered cow?
 Spoiled milk.

Where does a one armed man shop? At a second hand store!

What Happened to the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off!

Did you hear about the Barbie doll; it's called Divorce Barbie. She comes with all of Ken's stuff.

What do you do if you see a person having an epilepsy attack in a bathtub? Throw your laundry in quick!

Sign on gate at the pig farm: "No Porking in Driveway."

What do you call a chicken crossing the road? ... Poultry in motion.