What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin

Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the poop out of you.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes

Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

Whats the smartest thing a man can say? "my wife says"

How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? When it's time
to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?  His wife is
good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather?  Nothing can be done to change either
one of them.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?  One can be
terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just
having a baby.

Why don't men often show their true feelings?  Because they don't
have feelings.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A dog only takes a couple of months to train

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?  E.T. phoned home.

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."

How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One - men will screw up anything.
B.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? - did it ever happen??

What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

 What did God say after he created man?
 "I can do better than this."

 How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
 We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.