1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages/chain letters on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!.." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "..I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. [07734]
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large/small gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large/small gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the petfood aisle,etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

Cute Guy
(sing to the tune of "Pretty Woman")
by Hope Moore
Copyright 1.21.99

Cute guy, walking down the hall
Cute guy, with nice butt and all
Cute guy
I don't believe you, you're not the truth
No one could look as cute as you

Cute guy, won't you excuse me
Cute guy, I couldn't help but see
Cute guy
That you look happy as can be
Are you sappy just like me

Cute guy, stop awhile
Cute guy, I luv your smile
Cute guy, could ja talk awhile to me
Cute guy, ooh ooh ooh
Cute guy, with the looks
Cute guy, say you'll look at me
'Cause I want you, if you'll treat me right
Come with me baby, be mine starting with tonight

Cute guy, don't walk by me
Cute guy, you'll make me cry you'll see
Cute guy
Don't walk away, hey
If that's the way it must be, it's not ok
I guess I'll go on home, it's not to late
There'll be tomorrow night, but wait
What do I see

Is he walking back to me?
Yay, he's walking back to me
Oh, oh, cute guy

Sitting
(sing to the tune of "My Girl")
Copyright 6.17.99

My butt hurts(3x)
Doo doodoodoo doo doodoodoo..

Ive got numbness
On my behind
When it's cold outside
Or when I dine

I'd guess you'd say
What can make me feel this way
Sitting
(Sitting)

Talkin' about sitting
Too Long

Answering Machines

From the HaHa Histarics column in Cinderella Magazeen
1/28/99

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
______________________________________________________________________________________

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
______________________________________________________________________________________

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
______________________________________________________________________________________

Narrator's voice: There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
______________________________________________________________________________________

"Hi. Now you say something."
______________________________________________________________________________________

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
______________________________________________________________________________________

Japanese man: He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
______________________________________________________________________________________

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
______________________________________________________________________________________
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."
______________________________________________________________________________________

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
______________________________________________________________________________________

"This is not an answering machine..this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
______________________________________________________________________________________

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
______________________________________________________________________________________

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
______________________________________________________________________________________

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
______________________________________________________________________________________

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
______________________________________________________________________________________

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
______________________________________________________________________________________

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
______________________________________________________________________________________

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right..real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you..

The Barking Sheep and the Blond
3.9.99 Cinderella Magazeen

There was a blonde that got tired of all the blonde jokes so she died her hair brown. She was driving along the road when she saw a farmer and his flock of sheep. She thought that the sheep were the most beautiful animals in the world so she stopped and asked the farmer, "If I can guess how many sheep you have in your flock can I have one?" He thought that she would never guess it so he said, "Sure." Amazingly the blonde said, "273" which was the correct answer. The farmer, amazed that the woman should guess the right answer, told her to go pick the sheep she wanted. After choosing the perfect sheep she was walking off with it and the farmer stopped her and asked, "If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dogback?"

The Blonde and the Potato Sack
3.9.99 Cinderella Magazeen

There were three girls riding in a car, a Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde. They were speeding away from the bank they just robbed. The Brunette was driving. When the cops started chasing them, the redhead and the blonde started screaming, "GO FASTER! GO FASTER! THEY'RE CATCHING UP!" The brunette sped up, and they lost the cops just long enough to jump out of the car, grab the bags of money, and run up a hill towards an abandoned barn. They ran into the barn when they heard the sirens of the police car. The redhead suggested that they hide in the empty potato sacks. They threw the bags of money in the corner and hid them in a pile of hay. Then they climbed into the potato sacks. A few seconds later the police came into the barn. They looked around with their flashlights. They were just about to leave when one of the bags moved. One of the cops said, "Let's check the bags." The first police man kicked the first bag. The Brunette was inside. She said, "Meow! Meow!" The first cop said, "Just a cat. Nothing to worry about. Try that bag over there." The second police man kicked the second bag, the one with the redhead inside. She said, "Meow! Meow!" The cop said, "Just another cat. Try that other potato sack over there." The first cop kicked the third bag, the one with the blonde inside. The blonde said, "I am a potato!"
-compiled by kloey

The Blonde and the Brooklyn Bridge

3.9.99 Cinderella Magazeen

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet." So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

50 Actual Newspaper Headlines
.Humour Me. From Girly Magazine 3.19.99

{collected by actual journalists}

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired

Test

NO CHEATING! That will take all the fun out of it. Have a pen and paper handy before you read any further. As soon as you read a question, write the answer right away. Make sure to answer questions 1-10 before moving on..NO CHEATING! Read the following questions, imagining the scenes in your mind, and write down the FIRST thing that you visualize. Do not think about the questions excessively.
* * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * *
1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. Who are you walking with?
2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?
3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house. Describe its size?
5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
6. You enter the house. You walk to the dining area and see the dining room table. Describe what you see on AND around the table.
7. You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is a cup. What material is the cup made of?
8. What do you do with the cup?
9. You walk to the edge of the property, where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What type of body of water is it?
10. How will you cross the water?
* * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * *
This has been a relational psychology test. The answers given to the questions have been shown to have a relevance to values and ideals that we hold in our personal lives. The analysis follows:
1. The person who you are walking with is the most important person in your life.
2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems.
3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems. (passive/aggressive)
4. The size of your dream house is representative of the size of your ambition to resolve your problems.
5. No fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not to drop by unannounced.
6. If your answer did not include food, people, or flowers, then you are generally unhappy.
7. The durability of the material with which the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with the person named in number 1. For example, Styrofoam, plastic, and paper are all disposable, Styrofoam, paper and glass are not durable, and metal and plastic are durable.
8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude towards the person in number 1.
9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.
10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life.

Two Digits for a Date
(to the tune of "Gilligan's Island," more or less)
5.10.99 Dragon kiss* Tee Hee

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date
Two digits for a date

Main memory was smaller then
Hard disks were smaller, too
'Four digits are extravagant
So let's get by with two
So let's get by with two'

'This works through 1999'
The programmers did say
'Unless we rewrite before that
It all will go away
It all will go away'

But Management had not a clue
'It works fine now, you bet
A rewrite is a straight expense
We won't do it just yet
We won't do it just yet'

Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell
For zero is less than ninety-nine
As anyone can tell
As anyone can tell

The mail won't bring your pension check
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight
But minus thirty-two
But minus thirty-two

The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, it's for sure.
And reading every line of code is
The only certain cure
The only certain cure

[key change, big finish]

There's not much time
There's too much code
(And Cobol-coders, few)
When the century is finished with
We may be finished, too
We may be finished, too

Eight thousand years from now I hope
That things weren't left too late
And people aren't then lamenting
Four digits for a date
Four digits for a date