The Horsey Wife

A SENTIMENTAL FOOL. Displays a minimum of six 8 x 10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.

EASY TO LOCATE.  She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.

UPHOLDS THE DOUBLE STANDARD.  Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast but recoils when you need a shave.

OWNS ONE VACUUM CLEANER and operates it exclusively in the barn.

A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, providing the party is given by another horsey wife.  Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.

ECONOMY-MINDED.  Won't waste your money on permanents, facials or manicures.

A CULINARY PERFECTIONIST.  Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies your TV dinner in the microwave.

A MASTER AT PACKING.  Can load four small children, two large dogs, three bags of grain and a week's worth of groceries into the front of the pickup and still be able to drive fairly well.

OCCASIONALLY AMOROUS, but never leaves lipstick on your collar.  At worst, a slight trace of Chapstick.

EASY TO OUTFIT.  No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques.  You can find all she wears at your friendly men's store.

POSSESSES A PERFECT SENSE OF TIMING.  Seems to almost deliberately have a horse colic whenever your boss comes to dinner.

FEATURES A SELECTIVE SENSE OF SMELL.  Bitterly complains about your sickly-sweet pipesmoke while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.

UNMISTAKABLE IN A BATHING SUIT.  She's the one with the tan that starts at the nose, ends at the neck and picks up again at the wrists.

A DEDICATED CLUBWOMAN, as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in it's name.

HAS YOUR LEISURE AT HEART.  Eliminates grass-cutting chores by converting every inch of lawn into pasture ( which, in turn, converts itself into mud.)

A MASTER AT MULTIPLICATION.  She starts with one horse, adds a companion and, if it's a mare, she breeds it.

KEEPS AN EAGLE EYE ON THE BUDGET.  Easily justifies spending six hundred on a saddle but croaks when you blow ten on a tie.

AN ENGAGING CONVERSATIONALIST.  Can rattle on endlessly about the latest dewormers and the pros and cons of castration.

IMPOSSIBLE TO EXPLAIN TO OUTSIDERS (especially the in-laws.)

SOCIALLY AWARE.  Knows that formal occasions call for clean sneakers.

A MOVING FORCE IN THE FAMILY.  House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country and farther away from your job.

EASY TO PLEASE.  A new wheel-barrow, custom boots or even a folding hoofpick will win her heart forever.

SHOWS HER AFFECTION IN UNUSUAL WAYS.  If she pats you on the neck and says "You're a good boy!" believe it or not she loves you.

**I don't know who wrote this, someone sent this to me in a letter years ago.  If this is yours, please let me know so that I can give you proper credit.  Thanks.**