The Funny Pages

I Wish I Was A Bear

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could get used to that.

And another thing, before you hibernate,
you're supposed to eat yourself silly.
That wouldn't bother me either.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.

Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up.
He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat.
He likes it.

Oh, I wish I was a bear!!

How To Impress A Woman

Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

How To Impress A Man

Show up naked, bring food.

I made myself a snowball, As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas, And a pillow for its head.
Then last night, it ran away, But first -- it wet the bed.

The Brain

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked.

The patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they've been used."

A Letter Home From Scout Camp

Dear Mom,

Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it
was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of
our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We've all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

Have to go now, we are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Camden

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

ARE YOU REALLY YOU?

My Grandma says I've Daddy's nose.
Before I came he'd two I s'pose?

She always adds, "And what is more,
You've Mother's eyes" - Did she have four?

They say I've got my mouth and chin
From Grandma's husband: Benjamin!

He died before I came, you see -
And must have willed them both to me!

I understand about my hair,
For Daddy's head is kind of bare.

But what I'd like to really know
What puzzles me and tries me so,

Is - Am I just some odds and ends,
Parts of my relatives and friends?

Or do you think that it can be
There's something left that's really ME?

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following note from Santa carefully to understand the changes affecting the Southern United States.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209 renegotiated my contract. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with my local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

These differences include:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have a empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen " when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off." The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus (member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

A minister was in a bad area of the country, income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, and the air conditioning didn't work. People simply wouldn't come because of the heat. And being so poor the church didn't have the money to pay to have repairs made. He decided before he resigned that he would take a quick trip to gather his courage for telling these folks goodbye.

He went to Las Vegas and had just enough money to attend a cheap magician show. In the show the man was hypnotizing folks - making them act like chickens and monkeys. He was impressed. He met with the magician and asked him if he could teach him how to do this hypnotism thing.

The man gave him a quick course and he couldn't wait to get back to his church. His first Sunday back, he told his congregation that he wanted to tell them about his trip. He took out a watch and chain, and, as he swung it back and forth, he talked softly as they went into a hypnotic trance. He then stated: "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20.00 in the plate. They did. He had the church's roof fixed that week.

This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again. Taking his watch out he says I want to tell you some more things about my trip. This time he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate." They did. He got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.

His third Sunday, he got to thinking. I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money. Pulling his watch out he starts the swinging again, and as he is softly speaking he starts thinking. I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more. He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive that his hands start sweating and as the watch slips from his grip, he yells: "Crap!"

Took him two weeks to clean up the church!!!